Hayward, Carmella I.

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......................................... CARMELLA ISABEL HAYWARD . 23 . FILMMAKER . NYC ........................................ _____________________________________ _____________________________________ Director Edit; Yelling to the Sky There comes a time in every girl's life where she has to decide what kind of person she wants to be. At seventeen I was nowhere close to deciding my path. Besides growing up and not knowing my father, which honestly didn't and still doesn't bother me as much as some people might think, I hadn't suffered too many terrible life experiences in my life thus far. I was fairly untainted, I guess you could say. And in life, I coasted. I lived comfortably, I had a great social life and school was easy as I had all the most basic of classes. I often felt pity for all the young women I met that had to buck up and age twenty years, just to survive. I was always looked out for growing up, even when it wasn't needed, as one would be able to see if they ever came across my older brother during one of his many smothering moments, eyes wild and his paranoia embarrassingly on full display when I tell him i’m going out of town for the weekend with friends. Archie is the epitome of overprotective. He means well, he always has, and I do love him with all my heart because he does take care of my mother and I, but he can be completely unbearable sometimes. I hated the way he always spoke like he knew what was best, and that he took it even further by always dissecting almost all of my decisions just to explain how wrong they were. And when I started dating my first boyfriend Tommy, he never hide how pissed he was, and how idiotic and naive he thought I was being. Tommy was a charming, shaggy haired, full sleeved drop out, driven by his desire to bless the world with his rock music talent. I knew he was a bit rough around the edges, but he always told me that every day I remained in his life, I was changing him for the better. And I believed him. I fell hard and fast, a young love I believed would last through the years. But the first night I came home with a concussion, left eye swollen shut, rainbow bruising littering my skin, and bones aching so much so that I thought that if I took just one more step, i’d shatter into a million pieces... things changed. I now lived in fear. Archie was in jail at the time, but every Thursday i’d visit him. It was the summer, late July, but I piled on the clothes and applied the makeup, desperately trying to cover up the physical mistakes that were plaguing my body. Mentally, I attempted to push everything into the back of my mind, and I even calmed down the tremor in my left hand. But the moment I sat down in front of him, the moment our eyes met, I didn’t even need to open my mouth before he saw right through my facade, practically losing it and bringing me to tears. When he was released, he made good on his promise of keeping me safe again when I found Tommy beaten nearly to a pulp in his living room, and his place looking as if a tornado had torn through. Crumbled on the floor, Tommy begged me to call an ambulance, playing on my love for him and he supposedly for me, yet the apology he gave was clearly more out of fear for his own life than any sincerity towards me. Standing there, it was the first time I could fully acknowledge just how messed up I had become in the past year. I didn’t want to be this person, this fool, allowing another individual to corrupt her mind and body in the ways in which Tommy had. To make her constantly feel guilty, dirty, worthless and helpless. I couldn’t be this weak person anymore, and I finally found the strength to tower over my abuser and tell him so. And when I was done, I walked right out the front door, leaving him to a fate I have no care to know about, even now. Soon after I changed schools, made different friends, took an interest in photography and storytelling, and began carving my own path. I’m a survivor. And that’s what this film is about. Surviving, living and knowing your own worth. _____________________________________ ......................................... LIZA . KASSI . RESIDENT .........................................