Post by nadia berdugo on Sept 29, 2015 7:31:54 GMT
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 ............................................................................... twenty-three. model/artist. nyc ...............................................................................   "I was seventeen and Joseph Moretti was one of those things that comes at the worst time disguised as a blessing when it's really a curse. He wasn't bad when we met. No, he might not have been a model citizen but he was never bad for me. That came later and unexpected. He stole cars for chop shops and other shady things, but he did it with his brother which turned it into a family support issue I couldn't really judge him on seeing as to how I wouldn't know what a functional family was if it bit me in the ass. Hell, Joseph Moretti was my family at one point in time. Things went south when his brother got killed. He started drinking, it moved onto heavier things, and I had already been becoming dependent on doxypin to help me stay awake longer for my own private reasons. I loved him. It wasn't like I didn't hesitate to take that next step, but I wasn't the smartest girl when it came to morals or love. The cocaine came first and then, later, the heroin. Somewhere in between that Joseph became Satan Incarnate. I kid you not I changed his name to Lucifer in my phone several times as the drugs changed him into something ugly. He was a mean drunk, but fuck if he wasn't a psychopathic drug addict. Physical abuse is not something someone understands when it's from someone they love. I certainly couldn't fathom why in the hell Joey started trying to kill me when he flipped out and, trust me, I tried. It was illogical now that I think about it. A drug addict trying to understand another drug addict's enraged logic. I should have left, but we were in deep with one another and I didn't know what to do without him. Isn't that fucked up? Joey ruined me in so many ways and I still consider him the love of my life."  "I can´t tell you if I would have not become dependent on drugs without Joey because I was already on that road with the doxypin. It was a crutch plain and simple. I don´t feel bad about it even if it made me the worst person I could ever be to those around me. I won´t say I wish I could re-do things or that the drugs didn´t do what I wanted - needed - them to do. I did some of my best artwork while I was high. It made the raw feelings of abandonment and disgust that pitted deep in my gut. It kept the nightmares I had but didn´t understand go away but it was brief and I couldn´t cope without them.¨  ¨Rehab wasn´t my idea. When Joey went to jail for grand theft auto, I was lost. I had no clue what to do. I guess he was a crutch for me too. It was my brother´s idea. He had tried before, but it always ended in he and Joey fighting and me staying. With him out the picture my brother had the perfect opening to fix his broken sister. I´d like to say I went willingly, but I did not. I was awful to him. Resentful that he got to live with a loving parent and I got left behind. So what that our dad had come for me after? Eventually, he got me in a program. It was rough, but when I came out I no longer had Joey and all I had was my brother. I was dependent on him in a way I wasn´t with Joey. I needed him as the angel on my shoulder, as my moral support, because god knew every day I was thinking what it would be like to just take a pill or shoot up. The modeling came when I moved to New York. I was scouted by someone on my way out of my art class at NYU. They thought my prior drug use put me in the category with Kate Moss like being addicted to hard drugs was a badge of honor. At first, I took the job to have side money because I had honestly had an idea to relapse, but I kept seeing my brother´s annoying fucking disappointed face and I couldn´t do it. So now I´m a recovering addict of two years surrounded by people who would just love to eat me alive because if I´m not doing this I don´t know what I´d do except get lost again.¨ .................... .................... |
cailyn, daniela, famous (coding @ rae) |