atwood, zelda s

[zelda atwood]

zelda atwood . twenty-two . austin, texas . screenwriter .................................................. scents hay, horse manure, pinesol, my dad's orange scented gojo grease soap, my mom's floral scented perfume, herbal essences shampoo touch thick horse mane, goose the labrador's shedding coat, the hurt of a hay rash, wood splinters, combing your fingers through grass, Zadie's pinches noises the windmill, Zara's snorting laugh, goose barking, the crackle of my clavicle when i fell off the tire swing, wind blowing through the hay field sights dad covered in dirt and sweat after a long day of work, zippora's face when she saw her school crush, zara's face when aaron's party (by aaron carter) came on mtv, zadie's face when i thought i was funny by cutting holes in her shirt a la mean girls memory sitting up in the treehouse our dad built, licking on banana popsicles with my sisters. with my head resting on my oldest sister's lap while she sang the same five words to backstreet boy's i want it that way. a swarm of cabbage butterflies float through the air, zadie grabs one in her fist and i cry. when she tells me to shut up i climb down and run to tell on her. my dad tells her off and she doesn't speak to me for a month. scents campfire, axe body spray, curious by britney spears, isaac's sweat, aussie hair spray, lilacs, the smell of weed wafting from zadie's room touch a stinging tongue after my first beer, the pain of a pair of heels, the warmth of my first kiss, the discomfort of boob sweat, the clash of awkward teenage sex, the pain of a strong handshake at my first job interview noises the creaking of the porch when someone walked on it, isaac's laugh, the pounding in my chest every time I talked to joel, the whimpering of goose when he dislocated his hip, my loud sobbing when we had to put him down, the sound of the lawnmower at 6am on a saturday morning sights the way isaac looked at me, the way joel does, my dad's greying hair and laugh wrinkles, my mom's smile when zippora announced her pregnancy, my parents sadness when I showed them my bus ticket to dallas memory getting much too drunk at the last christmas dinner of my teenage years, also the first family event where mom and dad have offered me wine. which i drank much too much of. my cheeks are hot as i play with my food and my mom tells me off for doing so. i get out of cleaning up by sneaking off to the backyard, to lay on the dead grass and look at the stars in the clear sky. everything feels like a cloud of drunk and i'm not that lonely, despite my boyfriend being in cancun with his family. after a half hour i go back inside and slump on the couch next to zara and her new husband. scents old beer, dog farts, fresh laundry, cologne, replica's jazz club, lavender bushes, rain, chlorine touch running my fingers through blonde hair, the sticking of my thighs on the leather seats of my car, silk bed sheets, warm husky fur on a cool morning, three dogs and two people under silk sheets on a humid morning, the blisters on my feet when I trick myself into fitting into a pair of smaller converse, the pain of getting my first cavity filled noises howling dogs, catching joel singing in the shower, my neighbour cannonballing into his pool, the inaudible chatter of my nephew benjamin, the noise of new york traffic, the significantly less noisy austin traffic, clapping at gigs, the crumpling of paper sights a published script, the cannes' red carpet, blonde highlights, rescuing riggs and quixote, crammed subway trains, sleepy boyfriends, smeared mascara, the disappointment on my family's face memory sitting in my once full but now empty austin home, crying into my dog's thick mane as his rests his chin on my shoulder. feeling very alone, very scared, very vulnerable. afraid of losing identity through change, afraid of putting all my eggs in one basket and afraid of being smoked out. above all, unable to shake feeling pathetic. .................................................. auld wives bear's den tight pants eagles of death metal big nashville star shakey graves dancing in the dark bruce springsteen honey bones dope lemon 7:30AM slothrust how we be sinkane rock n roll printz board twigs and stones siskiyou you're dead norma tanega .................................................. what to do when you're not confident about your current life situation and need to get it out in the air, but a therapist is too expensive and the next best thing (your sister) has banned you from her life because you tripped into the arms of her moody cynical ex-husband? make lemonade smoke cigarettes to keep your hands busy and smoke a lot of dope to keep the anxiety at bay. i once unloaded all my problems onto this fifty year old woman at the bar, she looked a lot like adrianna from the sopranos, the best hair i've seen in ages. within two minutes into my public anxiety attack she plucked my drink from my hand, downed it and said, "sweetie, you think you have problems? i get off with a hair brush while thinking about the fedex guy." the fact that someone was worse off than me calmed me down until 3am, when i woke up drenched in sweat and thinking that i don't buck up now i would have a similar or worse fate. the first step is addressing the problem: was there a mistake made? when was it made? when i was fifteen or when i was twenty-two? am i making it right now? am i romanticizing the mess? am i imagining there to be a mess? potential mistake: joel marston. when?: past, present. romantic imagination?: this is where it's tricky. my family isn't speaking to me, minus two members. when i'm with him, i don't think about it. but when it's just me, it's all i think about. is it worth it? i don't know. do i trust it? i don't. the biggest issue is change, but the second greatest is trust. i don't trust any of it. the man, the move, the change. how to fix it? ignorance, right now. putting it off until someone forgets what i'm supposed to be doing. eventually they'll stop asking and i'll disappear into the background. which is as terrifying as change. i don't want to change. ..................................................

ciara , cami morrone , resident