charlie . nineteen . nyc native . future small animal vet
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favourites
album .. and the war came, shakey graves
book .. the goldfinch, donna tartt
quote .. "roads? where we're going, we don't need roads."
band .. creedance clearwater revival
flavour .. cilantro
city .. boston
colour ..
pantone 626 Ctv show .. breaking bad
movie .. the princess bride
artist .. lichtenstein
emoji ..
food .. coconut ice cream
word .. 'sincerley'
scent .. cigars
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"
Charlie was born into chaos. Her father had had his first (that I know of) child - a child that was conceived while we were on the brink of getting married - when I was two months pregnant. I went through a lot of change prior to Charlie's birth. Caesar moved out, I sold our co-owned house and moved into a smaller, more necessary home. I was lifting boxes up the stairs when my waterbroke.
She was mostly raised by me. I fed, changed, and woke up at two in the morning for Charlotte. Occasionally she would spend weekends at Caesar, or he would drop in unannounced with his arms full of gifts. But Charlie was always more my daughter than his, and unless she was made to, she'd choose my company over his any day. That's not to say it's always been that way. I think age five to eleven she was truly desperate for his approval. She spilt so many tears over so many disappointments. When she was fifteen I met Jason and since then he's been her go-to father. Caesar pays some of her bills, as he owes her that much.
Charlie mostly takes after me, which is further proof of Caesar's absence. Always academically blessed, I don't think she's ever had to work hard for her grades. She flew through school, graduated two years early and was accepted into Columbia. She's even following in my footsteps in a way, as she's aspires to go to vet school. She's such a smart girl and so kind, so so kind. A great daughter, sister, and student, I'm so truly excited to watch her grow into her beautiful soul."
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"Lottie, Vegas in miniature. She looks, acts and sounds so much like her mother it's almost eerie, but then she was raised near single-handedly by her, so maybe it's not such a surprise. It breaks my heart to admit that. Contrary to what everyone - Vegas and Charlotte included - seems to think, I did love Vegas, did desperately want things to work out between us. But I was young and we were such different people, she was all drive and ambition and I was all lucky breaks and privilege. It honestly broke me when things started going badly between us, I was totally lost. That's what pulled me back to Daisy, not boredom or lust, but a genuine desire to see my best friend. Not that anyone believes me when I say that, either.
But Lottie. As much as I feel awful about not puling my weight, it's hard to regret it too much when she's grown into such an impressive young woman. Chip of the old block. Studious, independent, occasionally overly serious, she's so like her mom and I'm grateful for that. Seeing Charlotte bloom into the woman she is today is like seeing what Vegas could have been if she hadn't met me... but she did, and we've got a beautiful daughter to show for it. I'm really so proud of her. I know the family joke is that Aisha's my only child, but there's a picture of Lottie in my wallet right beside Aish's. Paying for school isn't much, I know, but it means a lot to me that she'd let me do even that.
I really hope that one day we can be close, that she'll find it within herself to forgive me. Maybe when she has her own kids she'll start to see how complicated it is. No matter what I've always loved her and tried to do right by her, and like with her mom, if it wasn't enough (and it wasn't) then that's my failing and I have to learn to live with that. Nothing would make me happier than to have all my kids get along with each other, I wasn't close with my parents growing up and I know my brother and sisters were a great source of comfort in light of that. My biggest fear would be that Lottie never forgives me, and that one day she'll get married and it won't be me walking her down the aisle. That thought hurts."
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five habits
one .. i crack my knuckles when i'm anxious
two .. when i'm thinking or working hard, i throw my hair into a pineapple-looking bun
three .. i huff a lot, for no good reason. people are always asking me what's wrong and honestly my chest just feels heavy
four .. my dog's welfare goes before mine. always. the dog is walked and fed before the day can officially start
five .. i talk to my mother on the phone once or twice a day. usually a text in the morning and a phone call in the evening
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"I've been having these really weird dreams about Oscar the dog walker lately. I hardly ever see him, maybe once a week when he drops Fezzik back home on a Friday. It usually starts with him dropping the dog off and ends with him on me, or me on him, against the wall or on the floor. Last time he came over I almost jumped him because the dreams are so vivid, I can't tell if I'm dreaming or in reality. I've even started subconsciously dressing in nice underwear and tidying up my room on the odd chance we'll fuck. But then he kind of starts talking and I realize that I don't actually want him that much, or maybe I want to fuck him more. I've started leaving him a bit of a tip on top of his usual pay, like I'm thanking him for getting me off last night. There's this line where if I do have sex with him I might stop having the dreams, but also if I do have sex with him I probably won't find a walker that likes my dog (and vice versa) that much."
