. everything now

[Deleted]

Finn can't remember the last time he shaved. Scratching at coarse stubble that was too long to really be classified as stubble, he caught a glimpse of himself in his son's bedroom window. It was a tired, hairy, older version of himself that met his eye in the pane of glass, more tired looking than he expected, despite his whole body being racked with exhaustion. Though he thought he remembered this from the first time round with Savannah, it seemed so much worse now, apocalyptically worse, and whilst he had thought himself much too young at the time she was born he realized that this time he was much too old. Still, looking down at the finally sleeping Oliver made his heart balloon in his chest, his breath caught in his throat as the baby's little ribs rose and fell with his gentle, sleepy breathing. Sleep or no sleep, he was elated. As was inevitable, now that he was finally free to crawl into bed and nap himself he longer wanted to. Used to exceptionally early starts for work, it being 6:30am seemed positively late to Finn, and he decided he was going to impose his love of mornings on his sleeping ex wife. After three loud knocks on her bedroom door, he let himself in without waiting for permission, dropping down onto the free side of her bed with a thump. "Get up sleeping beauty, I'm ordering McDonalds delivery," he said, nestling down in the bed and putting an arm around her waist. She still used the same shampoo as she always had and the smell was intoxicating to him, a rush of nostalgia and affection in one. Truthfully he knew he shouldn't be here, in her bed, cradling her like she was still his, but he was feeling self-indulgent. "Don't tell me you don't want a McGriddle."

[jada carson]

For the first time in the two months since baby Oliver was born, Jada finds herself in a deep sleep. Her mind is dreamless, and unplagued by horrifying nightmares of still babies in their cots (as it so often had been lately). For the first month and a bit, it had been almost exciting to wake up to tend to the newborn. It was a duty that she'd been proud of and she reacted to enthusiastically to the 3AM wails. Though as time carried on, month two brought a less enthusiastic and more zombie-like version of the excitable mother. She found herself lifeless when she rose from bed in the early hours of the morning. But still, when shifts were brought up she never thought she would get through a night. And for a few days she didn't, she woke up to cries and possessively watched the baby monitor during the night. But here she was now, on hour eight of sleep and not showing signs of letting in. Here she was. Her eyes flutter open as her door is pounded on and her sleepy frame jumps awake, tired eyes watching as her scruffy ex-husband invites himself in. She groans and pulls the feather duvet over her head, her body disappearing under the covers as he plops next to her. "Nooo, why?" her voice is groggy and cracked, eyes squeeze tightly as rest against his weight, the warmth of his body radiating through the layers of sheets. Jada groans again, her elbows pushing her forward and resurfacing her head on the pillow. Her hand wipes her tired eyes and she yawns softly, "I don't want a McGriddle." Cat-like eyes look up at his tired face, and she still finds him handsome even with circles under his eyes. Jada turns so he's facing her bare back, and she pulls the covers over her shoulders, hiding away the lace undergarment that ties around her chest. "Ten more hours, okay?" she presses her face into the pillow and clutches the bed sheet.

[Deleted]

Having her under the covers and him cuddling her over them reminded Finn of all the times he used to do this to Savannah as a kid, unable to see her nestled in her blankets without wanting to bundle her up in them for a hug. Like every fresh parent he was aglow with excitement for the years to come, but simultaneously depressed by how quickly he knew it all would fly by. He could see the same contradiction in Jada's face every time she held Ollie and felt how much heavier he was, or when he managed his first real, non-reflex, smile. It was exciting and terrifying and somehow having done it before made this not one tiny bit less exhilarating. That was in no small part down to who he'd chosen to set out on this adventure with. Feeling guilty for waking her up but not enough to endure his wakefulness alone, he held his head up from the pillow, as if craning to hear. "What was that? Ten nuggets? Jesus Jada, at this time?" he said, dad jokes in full force. Leaning back he got his phone out to whip up the delivery app, fingers sliding over the screen as he added nuggets and burgers and McGriddles galore to his order. The way Finn consistently over ordered would make one think he'd been starved as a child, or at the very least morbidly obese in the present, but it was mostly indecisiveness. "You can have an hour," he said, leaning over and kissing her on the top of her head, "but then you're pigging out with me. We can watch the baby monitor like it's ESPN, I know how much you love that." With that he got up, off to watch TV until the food came.

[jada carson]

Jada buries her head into the pillow like a teenager being called to wake up from school. "I'm going to kill you," she croaks, reaching backward to push him away. There's a winning sensation when he leaves, though she knows that she won't be falling back asleep. She's always been an early riser and a light sleeper, this morning would have been an exception to her habit. The olive skinned brunette lays cozy in the queen sized bed, her arms bringing the covers tight around her like a cocoon. Her eyes are closed tightly, but her mind drills her with impossible what-ifs. Why is it that when you're trying to sleep the worst thoughts seem to crawl into your mind? Debt. Childlessness. House fires... did I put batteries in the fire alarms? She manages to stay in bed for fifteen minutes before emerging from the cream walls of her bedroom. Her long legs dressed in an old pair of running shirts and her torso in an old shirt she picked deep from a drawer. She moves in front of the television and plops into the chair diagonally from Finn, too sour from her early wake-up to join him on the couch as she usually would. "I was having the best sleep," she mentions, resting her head against the arm of the chair and tilting her eyes at him. "I'll hold this against you tomorrow," she tosses a pillow his way, but overshoots and the pink fabric flies over his head.

[Deleted]

Flopping onto the couch, it wasn't until his body hit the plush cushioning that he remembered how tired he was. Aches filled his arms and legs, lethargic from his seemingly endless lack of sleep, his eyes itching to close. Turning the TV on but dropping the remote without changing it from whatever rubbish was playing, he turned to his side and let sleepiness crash over him like a wave, eyes closed and the noise of the television dying out into a faint background hum. But like a guard dog, the second he hears the padding of her feet he's up, alert to the noise. He relaxes when he sees it's only Jada, her beautifully tanned, long limbs impossibly lithe in her loungewear. She was every bit the model, whereas he felt every bit the slob, wearing a faded Pixies t-shirt and sweats. It was a wonder what she ever saw in him. Clearly she was wondering the same, her sour expression letting him know that he was far from forgiven even before the pillow was flung his way. Laughing, he sat up properly, holding both hands up in surrender. "C'mon. Be flattered, I couldn't stand to spend another waking minute without your company," he said. "Also, your son's been a total fucking nightmare tonight. Even by his own Satanic standards. I was gonna call the hospital to tell them there's been a mix up, he couldn't be mine, but then I remembered his mother..." Getting up with a grin, he squeezed her shoulder as he passed. "I'll make you some coffee. Sleep well?"

[jada carson]

It was that time of year the sun started to sleep in a little later, and it was just now that yellow light was starting to pour through the wooden blinds that stood half closed behind her. It illuminated Finn's features, complimenting him with a golden glow and making his tired eyes seem less tired than they must be. It would be so easy to fall back into their old routine of love. Where the goosebumps that rose with the cold morning air could have so easily melted away with a cuddle on the sofa. But Jada kept a tough facade, more than her usual act this morning. Her morning puffiness going beyond raccoon eyes to stiff interactions and flying pillows. Thick brows press into a deep frown, "did you just call me the devil?? After, 'don't tell me you don't want a McGriddle'?" She impersonates him as best as possible, even going as far as pulling her brown hair to her chin to fake a beard. "No," she says bitterly, withering from his touch and hugging a pillow to her chest, her gaze focusing on the television. "Nine hours wasn't long enough, you should have left me for a week," she lifts her head to watch him pop the filter in the coffee machine. "He was that bad?" her hard exterior begins to wane, the dim light makes his dark circles darker. "I should have told you that there's valium in the cupboard above the stove. Pop one in his bottle."

[Deleted]

Baby bottles and big, powder pink packets of wet wipes littered the coffee table beside him, the very same coffee table he could remember racking up lines of coke on with alarming familiarity. Back then it would have been mostly empty liquor bottles, though like now, he would not have slept yet. How strange that this should be so much more the domestic scene, now that they were divorced and had been for some time. She had been right to shake him off, just as she had been right to refuse to make a baby with him the old fashioned way, though both times he had felt very strongly to the contrary. He laughs easily at her impression, uncanny in its accuracy. "Well, I'm not gonna believe you don't want one until one's right in front of you... you're right, I'm the serpent and you're Eve, I'm definitely the devil here." Bare feet padding into the kitchen, he sets about making a strong pot of coffee with her favorite beans, which he of course grinds fresh. "Nine hours," he repeats, emitting a low whistle. "Shouldn't have admitted to that, all my guilt has been replaced with bitter envy." He makes two big mugs of swirling dark coffee, feeling more human just from the smell. At her question he only glances up to look at her, letting out a short nod. Ollie was very much the light of his life, but Valium would not have gone amiss. He walks over, handing her the coffee, "here. Liquid forgiveness, gulp deep."

[jada carson]

These were impossible circumstances, or at least, she thought they were. Five years ago this wouldn't have happened, this she was certain of. If they'd followed the same path hand in hand, there wouldn't be a baby in a crib or any sense of happiness. Jada was a believer in there being a time for everything and though she believed things happened for a reason, she also thought that people made their own fate. Such was her decision to divorce Finn and years later ask the truest man she knew to have a baby with her. A baster baby, that was. "I don't think I can be that greasy at 7AM," she cringes, though knowing full well that she won't be able to resist the warm smell of fast food when it's set in front of her nose. "Nine hours straight, I fell asleep to Iron Fist and never woke up till you" she teases, taking the mug of coffee with both hands. "Thank you," she presses the ceramic surface to her lips and taking a sip. Jada lets out a sigh, and her feet kick out over the arm of the chair. "World's best cup of coffee. I'm not mad anymore, I'll even tuck you in when you go down for your nap." She sips happily, looking at the tv and then back at him, "is this you starting your day?"

[Deleted]

"You're not truly living if you can't allow yourself to eat a burger at 7am," Finn said, forever the one to lead her down the path to ruin. Easing himself back down onto the couch, he wilfully ignored her dig about Iron Fist. Despite maybe appearances, he put a lot of himself into his work and felt strongly about its merits, and really, Iron Fist was the closest he had come to failure in recent times. He had decided that this was penance for his mistreatment of Jessica, the fixation with her porn star past and his inability to treat her with the same respect he had so easily found for his two former wives. Though he wouldn't admit it he was a deeply superstitious man, feeling always that every negative action would come back to bite him on the ass eventually. He wasn't sure what good he had done to deserve Ollie, but for once he had resolved not to question his luck. Taking a long sip of scorching coffee, he leans back into the couch, setting his feet up on the coffee table, crossed at the ankle. He can't help the grin that crosses his face as she praises his coffee, glad to be let off the hook. "I'm on paternity leave, my days bleed into my nights bleed back into my days. Not so different to a shooting schedule, actually." How much he was missing work was another thing he wouldn't admit, not wanting her to feel any duty to take over, or to have any suspicions that he wasn't all about Oliver. "I'm not gonna nap, it's Sienna's birthday so I'm making an appearance for Sav's sake, and after that I'll hopefully sleep right through. I'll take that valium, if you're not going to use it to drug our baby."

[jada carson]

"Well, tonight's your night off. Feel free to get wild, I'd love to jump on your bed at half past six in the morning," she sips her coffee with a cheeky grin. She felt she knew what he meant about days and nights running with no sense. The past two months had slipped away from her like sand between fingers. Their brand new baby was not so new, and he was growing into his baby wrinkles more each. The other morning she found that he had outgrown a onesie and she whimpered with sadness. Time was running fast and even when she tried to relish each moment, it didn't slow down. "Is it? Wish her happy birthday from me. Did you get a gift?" The black coffee is bitter on her tongue and she feels warmth coming back to her body. Her voice is much less congested than it had been minutes ago, "the bottle's all yours, babycakes." She glances back at the tv screen and watches it with hollow eyes - infomercials and morning news were all you were going to get at this time and she considers streaming something but the idea of effort turns her away. "I also have an exciting day ahead. First, I'll eat a deluxe pancake sandwich. Then, I'm going to Spa Carson. Where I'll get a personalized body wash and shampoo. Then, there'll be a guest appearance by Oliver Carson-Grayson. We'll share a bottle, of course. Then maybe a nap, if we're lucky. We might go for a carriage ride on his five star stroller. Share another bottle. Hopefully later in the evening he'll be milk-drunk enough for a full nights sleep and I'll see you then."

[Deleted]

The reality of the fact he was going to have to face this party without having had a wink of sleep was starting to hit him, and he groaned inwardly at the idea. He hated looking rough in front of Sienna, a hyper-critical woman at the best of times but someone who would take great delight in his suffering especially, particularly on her birthday. It was obvious that his ex-wife thought his and Jada's arrangement strange-- obvious, because she'd said so to his dad, his brother, his daughter, even Finn himself. "My gift is not bringing our beautiful baby boy along to steal all the attention," he said, meaning it. "But I'll gladly wish her a happy birthday from you, it'll be a nice opportunity to subtly bring up your age difference." He laughs easily at her rendition of her plans, feeling strangely jealous. Just as he's about to speak the door goes and he jumps up to get the food, shoving too many notes into the teenager's hands as he takes the huge sack of junk food off her. Though obviously grateful she seemed a little bemused, and Finn wondered why they even offer the option of early deliveries if they were only going to judge those who took them up on it. Still, he didn't care, throwing the bag down onto the coffee table and fishing out a quarter pounder with cheese. "Mmmm," he said, taking a huge bite and wafting the burger in her face, "delicious. I'm gonna eat until I'm the same size you were a mere two months ago." As he speaks he glances down at her figure, smooth curves that seemed ungodly on someone who'd given birth so recently.

[jada carson]

She laughs and shakes her head at him, "awh, don't do that. I'll pick some fresh flowers for you to bring and forget I said anything." The other ex-wife had never been particularly fond of Jada. And during the fresher years of her and Finn's relationship, she'd understood this. Jada was a younger woman and in a handful of ways, she was who Sienna had been a decade ago. It was natural of her to dislike Jada. But at the last few months of her marriage, Jada had become emotionally reckless. There was an awkward, mutually-drunken confession of love and hate in the woman's bathroom at a party. In which, the ex-wives shared a hug and a few tears. To still have Sienna hate her now felt a little like betrayal. She watches as Finn beelines it for the door. She didn't even hear the bell go off, "you must have some sort of McRadar." She grins, her almond eyes looking up at him as he tears open the wrapping and takes a hefty bite. "You are a savage," she lifts her leg and pushes him away with her foot. Setting the coffee down, she replaces it with a sandwich and tears the paper delicately. "You better rub some more of that grease on your face for some faux pregnancy glow," she smirks, taking a bird-like bite out of the sandwich and setting it on the table next to her.

[Deleted]

The image of Jada picking fresh flowers for Sienna's birthday was one that perfectly encapsulated her. A pacifist, a people pleaser... most younger women marrying a successful man would be happy to brag to his ex-wife, to flash the showy engagement ring whenever she could and highlight her youth. Jada was never going to be that person. First of all, he had known they would have to choose a ring together, as she wouldn't want anything flashy. But secondly, Finn had never heard a single bad word about Sienna fall from  her full lips, not once. It was one of the things he loved most about her. Sensing Jada's discomfort, he gave her shoulder a little squeeze as he got up to get the food. He watches her eat with a grin. This was another thing he loved most about her. She didn't feel the need to try and be one of the boys, to tear into food and play up to some idea of being chill that women sometimes did for men. Jada was still very much herself, even when they were married, and that was impressive. "It's not that I'm savage, it's that you have freakish self control," he said, polishing off the burger and opening a box of nuggets. He leaned back on the couch, flicking the TV to the camera trained on Ollie's cot. "Look at him. You'd almost think he wasn't a little Hitler."

[zelda atwood]

She smiles at his remark about her self control, her slender hands picking up the sandwich and taking a slightly large bite to prove she was wild as wild could be. Other than her parents, Finn had be witness to see the most change in Jada. Though she had always been sweet but stubborn, she had definitely been more of a headcase in her early twenties. Looking at him with his exhausted face as he bites into another American delicacy, she thinks that in their past life together they'd both been much more glam. It seemed they'd both taking life's hint to halt and slow down. She turns her head to the tv, the baby boy lays silent with his eyes closed. For a moment she worries, suddenly feeling that she needs to check if he's still breathing. But when she rises, she changes her mind and instead joins Finn at his feet. "Not just anyone can pull off that sort of pattern, she takes sip of coffee, "we really do make nice looking babies." Jada curls her knees to her chest and watches the screen. The brunette yawns, turning her head to look at Finn and resting on her knees. "Look, I'm impressed but you're either going to eat yourself into a food coma or until you burst."

[Deleted]

Shovelling up ketchup with a perfectly crisp nugget, Finn continued to shovel food into his face. A compulsive person, it was stress that had made him turn so heavily to party drugs at one point of his life, just as it was exhaustion that made him overeat. Worry manifested itself as an insane need to work all the hours of the day, and happiness made him indulgent-- it was after Jada had agreed to marry him that he finally succumbed to buying Savannah the Hermes bag she has been begging for, despite knowing that she had chosen her moment with total intention. Still, exhaustion was the most manageable of his conditions, even if it meant eating himself into a good coma. Unconsciously comforted by her presence on the same couch, he put the box down. "Stop worrying," he said, nudging her leg with his foot. Sitting up, he went over to sit next to her, slinging an arm around her shoulders and pulling her against him, even with her knees pulled up. Releasing her from the half hug, he ran his hand over his tired face, stifling a yawn. "Fuck it. I'm gonna tell Sienna I've been up all night with the baby, she'll understand. I just wanna crawl into bed and pass out for the day... then you can make me dinner."