. looking too closely

[kendra santisi]

Home. Was that where she was? Kendra could barely define it anymore, barely even keep her eyes open as she touched down in Los Angeles. It had been a whirlwind of countries and shoots and sleepless nights, trying to predict timezones and sync phone calls from different continents, remembering just how much slipped away every time she was gone for this long. Forever an imbalance of work and life, never more clear than when she heard the news. Fourteen hours too late and a flight ten hours too long - Kendra couldn't have slept if she tried. Not even now, the silence stifling between her and her driver as she opened her Messages app. She'd typed something out to Joe the moment she heard, but an I'm so sorry," felt so trite, and any phone call or voicemail would probably go unanswered. So it sat there, unsent, their bitter history unfolded in the last however many messages exchanged. She'd read over them so many times and it was still easily the hardest part about this whole thing. Having someone that used to be her friend, stare at her like she was a complete stranger. The disinterest hurt worse than the hate. Kendra sighs quickly under her breath, messily tying her hair up once the car pulled around and avoiding a last glance in the mirror. It didn't matter how tired she looked or how long she'd been gone; the moment she stepped through Zac's door, she was no longer worrying about herself. And when she finds him - palms pressed onto the kitchen island, marble as blank as his reflection - she couldn't have if she tried. “Hi,” Kendra finally breathes, lips pressed to the curve of his shoulder. “I'm so sorry.” At least she could say it to someone.

[isaac mcavoy]

Philip Glass is playing from Sonos speakers, filling the glass lined room with music. It's hauntingly melancholic and Isaac knows that this isn't healthy, feeding sadness like this, but he feels too hollow to listen to anything more cheerful. Anxiety for his friend floods him, anguish over the thought of how he must be feeling. Isaac can remember the day his dad like it was yesterday and not almost fourteen years ago, the phone call, the look on his mother's face as she hung up, his grandad being the one to tell him... he was a different person before that day, and he hoped Joe wouldn't be as profoundly changed by grief as he was. Staring listlessly out at the twinkling lights of the city below, he prayed to whatever God there was that this wouldn't break his best friend. Of course he's disappointed about the tour, too. It felt like failing to be back in the city so soon, after all the goodbye parties and lingering farewells. But he was glad to be. Checking his watch, he guessed that Kendra would have landed by now, would maybe even be on her way. He thought about going to find his phone but before he does he hears the door, followed by the sound of her footsteps on the hardwood floor. "Hi," he replies, wrapping his arms around her tightly and taking a deep breath. It's a tighter grip than usual but not as tight as the one he'd had the day they left for tour, when he'd been bracing himself for a long stint apart. Her presence brings him real comfort and he keeps on holding on, breathing in the scent of her perfume and trying not to cry. He holds himself together. "I am too," he says, feeling like he can't accept sorries on Joe's behalf. Finally letting go, he doesn't let go completely, still holding onto her though it's at arms length now. "Thanks for coming," he says, looking at her for a moment before kissing her. Breaking away, he looks around the room, noting how pristine it looks, obviously not having been lived in for a few weeks. "There's nothing in but beer, I was thinking of ordering takeaway. Are you hungry?" He's not but he knows he should eat, not having done so for hours. "You feel like you've lost weight."

[kendra santisi]

Everything still felt familiar, something that almost bothered her because she hadn't expected to be back so soon. Kendra had mentally prepared for tour buses and random city drive by's, now caught up in an embrace that had pulled a little bit tighter only weeks ago. Not that she wasn't happy to see him - the circumstances just weren't what they planned for. When they finally pull away she lets out a shaky breath, fully expecting him to mimic it. So much would be left unsaid or even barely understood, knowing he'd experienced this before. Knew a pain she couldn't describe, wordlessly tracing the circles under his eyes before her lips press soundly against his. “Of course - got a flight the minute I heard,” she replies, easing onto the countertop before dropping her eyes. “Have you heard from him?” is her next question, almost afraid to toe the line but knowing she needed to nonetheless. Even if he thought very little of her now she'd still always respected Joe and knew that his family meant a lot to him. Again that unsent text burns on her phone, now buried in the pocket of the bomber she'd tossed over an old Cat's Cradle t-shirt. Pulling at the fabric her gaze tips to the ceiling, the hint of a smirk on her lips. “I've been gone as long as you were, is it really that drastic?” She kisses him once more before hopping off the counter, grabbing two beers out of the fridge and the bottle opener out of the drawer. Wondering if she would have forgotten where that was if they tour had gone to plan. “Not really, but we could do Chinese? The second I see those dumplings you always get I may change my mind.”

[isaac mcavoy]

Despite barely leaving the state, exhaustion pulled at Isaac's limbs as though he had been on a yearlong tour after all. His emotions had always taken an immense toll on him, positive or negative, sending him on a rollercoaster of ups and downs that compounded his ever-present anxiety. He had no idea why anyone put up with him. Still, he couldn't afford to add self-loathing to the list of his burdensome personality traits, and so he persevered, pretending he was totally comfortable in all his interpersonal relationships. That Kendra would drop everything to come back and be by his side was hugely comforting, but he felt undeserving of such consideration, being such a colossal asshole. Of course it didn't help that the brief time he had spent in a confined space with Taylor had been fraught with awkwardness, an awkwardness Joe felt no obligation to alleviate. He felt guilty for dragging Kendra back here, but he also felt guilty for being with her at all. Not that now was the time to dwell on it. It was easy to forget, to exchange his angst for appreciation when she was around. "Not much. He's been quiet, much too quiet," he says, mentally making a note to call him again soon and try to force more out of him. "Have you? Don't be offended if he hasn't replied, I'm sure he'd still appreciate hearing from you," Isaac says, believing it. Whatever resentment Joe had developed towards their relationship, he was sure it would seem petty and irrelevant in the face of something like this. "Mmm... though I'd have to see you without this to fully confirm," he mumbles, grinning into the kiss and tugging on her shirt. It was a real thrill to see her in their merch, as narcissistic as he was sure that was. He takes the beer from her gratefully, taking a swig straight away, nodding along to the Chinese. "You have to call, they always give us extra when they hear it's you. Plus you really have lost weight, I don't wanna break you.. you know we're gonna have to make up for lost time."

[kendra santisi]

Despite this being her routine for years now, Kendra knew this adjustment back to life outside of the sets would be hell. She'd admittedly been on more of a tour than the band at these past few weeks, filling her schedule to the minute and rushing from flight to flight, country to country until she'd gotten too far away and out of touch. It was her coping mechanism of sorts, forgetting everything else but her next confirmation and where she'd rest her head that day or night or that quick 20 seconds. She was dedicated to a lot of things - her job, mostly, but Isaac had now found himself on that list. Despite the fallout she was sure it'd created on that tour bus, despite her general apprehension at the beginning as this all unfolded and people caught on. Flying back from Chicago had been one of the most impulsive things she'd done - second now to this flight from Tokyo, suddenly remembering how tired her eyes were before she blinked it away. “I didn't know what to say,” Kendra replies honestly, showing him the half typed message on her screen before she realizes their conversation history is still there and clicks it off. “Nothing ever seems right.” To be honest she's surprised Zac isn't in Arizona at this moment, but grief is difficult to navigate for anyone. Not to mention someone that's dealt with the same loss. Her heart falls suddenly before she manages the hint of a laugh at his statement, rolling her eyes soon after. “And to think I thought you'd appreciate this!” Kendra conveniently leaves out it's from the show she met Taylor at, looking up the number of their go-to place on her phone. “It's because I perfected the phone sex voice I now won't be needing right away. Guess actual sex will have to do for now.” Kendra falls into a mock pout before the line clicks and she rattles off their order in said voice, pacing into the other room as she ends the call and settles on the couch. “I may be skinny but I still eat like a teenager who hasn't been fed in 3 hours.”

[isaac mcavoy]

Isaac's eyes glance over the screen, immediately spotting a few negative words. Before he can read much Kendra's pulled her phone away and it's for the best, anything he did read would play on his mind ad infinitum, and besides, he knew how Joseph felt about his relationship. Still, he frowned shortly at Kenny. "You should message him," he repeated, firmly believing that she would regret not saying anything the next time he saw him. He took a sip of beer, mulling it over. "Keep it short, just say that you heard and you're sorry, that he's in your thoughts." He thought back to the messages he got, though of course most were delivered by his mother, since it hadn't been such a cellphone heavy age. "Don't try to relate, or say that it gets better, those are the worst things to hear." He swallowed thickly, his throat feeling dry. It was horrible to be on the other side of this, both because he knew how much Joe must be suffering, and because it felt like scratching an old wound, one that he knew would never really heal.  He manages a grin at her statement, though his eye line settles on the shirt. It wasn't a new one, they'd been through regular redesigns of their merch courtesy of their talented friends, and he was pretty sure he could date this one. It would have been back when he was still with Chloe, and she with Taylor... god, how things had changed. Slipping an arm around her waist, he nuzzles into the back of her neck as she speaks, "you can call me from the next room. It might be fun, is it too early to get into roleplay?"  She slips from his grip and he lets her go, following her into the next room. Lifting her legs up, he sits down and pulls them down on top of his lap, his preferred seating arrangement. "It's genuinely offensive that you aren't fat," he said, agreeing. Philip Glass is still playing and he points at the air, tiling a brow. "Is this too intense? I could throw on some Taylor Swift to lighten the mood."

[kendra santisi]

She hates that he knows exactly what to tell her to say, Kendra's fingers quickly typing out the message and hitting send before she could think any further. It was a place where she couldn't put herself, her family intact no matter how estranged or distant she may be. It was impossible to fathom that she could lose one of them in the blink of an eye but it happened every day, often to people who didn't deserve it. Like Joe now, or Isaac years ago - this was something that probably never truly healed. Kendra takes a sip of her beer and squeezes his hand softly, the whisper of a “hey,” on her breath once her eyes caught his. A wordless we don't have to talk about it on the undertones. “Thanks. I do feel better about saying that." And it's honest, knowing that she cares for just about everyone in (or out) of her life. Even Alessia in an estranged way, though her embittered ex best friend was probably cursing her to hell right now she'd still wish her well if she could. Congratulate her on her success, do something, even when she tried to stay calm about the entire situation. It was a gift as much as it was a fault, tugging on the edge of her t-shirt once the dial tones sounded in her ear. It's enough to shake her thoughts away, smirking once his lips find her neck on a shiver. “Tonight it'd probably turn into sleep talk after 10 minutes,” Kendra responds, already feeling the exhaustion pull once she's settled on the couch. She rests her head briefly on his shoulder until it becomes too dangerously comfortable, afraid she'd fall asleep at any moment as she nudged him with her foot. Thank god she'd ordered a Coke with their delivery. “Are you sure you don't want to join Taylor Swift's tour? This is like, the third time you've brought her up to me lately - is your ultimate goal to get me in her girl squad? ” Her eyebrows raise in question before she realizes it may be too early to joke about tours. At the very least it's a sore spot, one she deftly avoids as her gaze lingers on the city sprawled out across the windows. “I like it...it's just strange, to be back here so quickly. I thought we wouldn't be for a long time.”

[isaac mcavoy]

It was in moments like these that Isaac felt selfish for abandoning his medical degree. Not that he would have single handedly cured cancer and saved Joe's father, but at least he would have felt like he was doing something. The feeling of helplessness in the face of his father's death was the driving force behind him wanting to study medicine, and now that helplessness was back. What was the point of anything when it could all end so suddenly? Kendra squeezes his hand and it stirs him his fatalistic thinking, her voice as soft and sweet as honey. Maybe there were things worth living for. "It's fine. It's difficult to know what to say, I know. Even I don't really know what to tell him." He thinks about it for a moment, but all he can think about is how comforting Chloe had been in the years since, how even now she had called on the anniversary and made sure that he was okay. He'd have to do that for Joe.  Impossibly comfortable on the couch, her legs a reassuring weight in his lap, he cupped her ankle. Laughing for the first time in ages, he shrugged, "you caught me. I've actually been angling for an invite to her squad for ages, I thought you might be my ticket in." Why did he keep mentioning Taylor Swift? It was probably because Alessia reminded him of her in some way, the blonde scorned. It annoyed him that Alessia and Taylor felt so present in his relationship with Kendra, it was something he couldn't shake, no matter how hard he tried. "I know," he says quietly, following her lead and looking out of the window. It was bittersweet, sweet to be together, bitter for the circumstances. 'Me neither. I'm still glad you're here though," he repeats, looking over at her. He wants to lean down and kiss her, but that'd mean moving, and he's much too comfortable. "What do you want to do tomorrow? For once I actually want to get out of this apartment."

[kendra santisi]

“It must be different for everyone. Painful in the very least," she murmured, feeling his grip pulse back in her fingertips. Pulling him back from an edge, doing the little she could do. She couldn't comfort Joe, couldn't reassure him or Isaac that everything would be fine because she didn't know and couldn't relate. Casting her gaze back down to their hands Kendra knew that being here would have to be enough. Especially knowing he could get as lost as his best friend, dwelling on memories and decisions he'd never be able to change. The sound of his laugh pulls her back, an immediate comfort she didn't realize she'd missed so much until she ached to hear it again. “She did say she can make the bad guys good for a weekend," Kendra quotes, offering an eye roll and hand motions in dramatic effect. Pretending that she didn't remember that Les was in one of her music videos, determined to not let it sour any of their memories. For a moment Kendra wonders if he ever regrets dating her, looking to him when he steals a glance outside. She'd taken the brunt of the isolation but his career depended on a dynamic of people. She could avoid Alessia; he couldn't avoid Cat's Cradle if he tried. Biting her lip, Kendra notes the sincerity in his tone and feels a little better, weaving their hands back together again in this comfortable tangle they'd created. “I am too, even if I know you'd rather still be on tour," she says quietly, raising her eyes to think when he mentions the next day. She hadn't had an open schedule in weeks, the thought almost foreign of a day completely unplanned. “Grab a few things from the farmer's market and head to the beach? The Ivy? A brewery tour? We can pretend we love hiking?" Kendra rattles on as she sips her beer, unsettled on her decision. “Half the city is probably going to Coachella, we can avoid the crowds."

[isaac mcavoy]

LA lies out below them, twinkling lights in the darkness. Isaac used to hate this place, its falsehoods and its endless summers, too warm for his Canadian blood. Moving here had been a necessity after rehab, both to be close to Alessia and to be further away from bad influences on the east coast, a crowd that he still struggled to keep his distance from. Somewhere along the way he had fallen for the city. He laughs again, "do you think I'm a bad boy?" It's a laughable idea, though he supposes he isn't without sin. Still, bad boys were supposed to be bold, roguish, daring. Isaac was anxious, co-dependent and flaky-- honestly, he had no idea what she saw in him. But he was glad she saw something. Her slender fingers thread between his and he feels a deep pang of affection for her. The truth was that he had suspected she might like the idea of him more than the reality, that the recovering drug addict who spent most of his life on tour might not have been her dream come true. But she was here at one of his darker moments, saying just the right things, offering more comfort than she knew. It was a lot for someone so young and he was grateful. "I don't think I would," he says, looking at her meaningfully. He sinks deeper into the couch, mulling over the options she's given him, feeling them out. Eventually he offers her a weak smile. "I think we should go for a hike. It'd be good to get out there, get some fresh air. Though you're right about Coachella, maybe we could wander around the deserted streets and pretend we're in a zombie movie."

[kendra santisi]

Kendra rolls her eyes at his response before pausing a moment, thinking it over as she fiddled with a string she'd pulled on her t-shirt. “If you want to be part of Taylor Swift's hit list, I'd say yes," she eventually replies, dodging an honest answer. There were two sides to that argument - he wasn't the typical lead singer stereotype, unattainable in that arrogant way. But he wasn't without his faults either...their relationship all but defining that now. Dancing around the same circle until it suddenly became inevitable. She should have seen it coming, the night he kissed her. She was surprised that she didn't. More surprised that they remained now, genuinely happy to be back together after a few weeks apart. It settles her, though her brow quirks when he mentions the tour. “Really?" she murmurs, eyes rising to meet his. His gaze is heavier than she expects and the breath catches in her throat, eventually looking away to shuffle through the magazines on his coffee table with a groan. “I was kidding when I said that," Kendra whines, unearthing a new issue of Vogue Italia that stops whatever else she was thinking. Her head tipped back in ecstasy, naked curves melded against someone else's frame, his lips poised at her neck... Kendra stares at her cover for a few seconds before letting the pages fall open on her lap, thumbing through the salacious editorial she felt like she'd just shot a week ago. “Have you always subscribed to these?"

[isaac mcavoy]

He notes her avoidance of his loaded eye contact. That was probably a good thing. Isaac was a man prone to getting deep into his feelings, so in love with the idea of being in love that he often made himself believe things were heavier than they were. He experienced all emotions on the maximum setting-- that is, until he didn't. Then he would drop the object of his affection so casually it was astonishing, easily moving on to the next new thing. Though he didn't fully understand this facet of his personality, he was strangely glad that Kendra wasn't playing along. Still, any comfort he's feeling turns icy as she picks up the magazine. There it was, the behemoth. The band's manager had dropped it on Isaac's lap as a cruel joke, one that only Taylor seemed to find funny. Sat on a tour bus pining for home, the magazine had made him feel sick to his stomach, the image of her spread out across its glossy pages one that made him want to throw it out the window. But he hadn't, he'd held on to it, as she now knew. Turning cold, Isaac pulled away from her, reaching over for the remote control and idly turning the TV on. "Nope, I don't. Someone gave it to me," he says, not looking her in the eye.

[kendra santisi]

Manipulative. It's what Aish had said when she'd been berating her. Issac was manipulative, she was falling for it, end of story. It was always confusing to hear that, especially with the way he looked at her. Until she realized he'd stared at Alessia like that, Chloe like that... all in, no chips left on the table. It's startling enough to force her gaze away, silently evaluating until her fingers hit the glossy pages and he tenses in recognition. Ah, there it was. The open tell of familiarity, trying to catch his eye as Isaac pulled away from her. If he was good at being in love, he wasn't good at hiding his annoyance. “You're mad," Kendra murmurs, not a question, the television screen flickering in distraction. She eventually steals the remote and puts it on mute, shifting her whole body to face him as she waited for the truth.

[isaac mcavoy]

Kendra's eyes search his and he feels almost vulnerable. Most women accepted his attentions willingly, but here was his girlfriend, the pretty brunette searching his face for some kind of tell. He looked away, afraid that she would find whatever it was she was looking for. Focusing instead on the Food Network, he tried to feign indifference. "Mad about what?" he asks, sounding as defensive as he was. He only looks away from the vivid red velvet cake that was on screen when it's muted, though truthfully he had no need to hear the recipe anyway, being hopeless with any and all domestic tasks. Forcing himself to look at her, he tries again to seem casual. "What?"

[kendra santisi]

Her arms cross heavily across her chest, eyes rolling to his casual defiance. Kendra had been in the business long enough to know when she was being lied to, or tiptoed around, even, feeling Isaac shift from hot to cold in the blink of a moment. Her fingers subconsciously rub the spot on her ankle his hand had been at before, the warmth all but forgotten as he deftly avoids her stare. Barks out something defensive, confirming what she inevitably knew. She probably could have called it the moment the proofs appeared in her e-mail. “This, you're mad about this," she holds the magazine in the air, a photographic affair she could have cared less about emotionally. She'd flown back to LA for a reason, hadn't she? “Did you want a warning?"