. looking too closely

[isaac mcavoy]

Isaac looks back to the screen, feigning benign indifference to the lady meticulously explaining how to nail buttercream icing. He avoided looking at the magazine as it lay open in her lap, as he had avoided looking at it since the first time he saw it. He felt the images were well enough burned into his brain. She holds it up and he forces himself to look at it, trying to make his eyes glaze over but unfortunately taking it all in. "Why would I be mad about it?" he asks, looking away as soon as he could. "A warning about what, you doing a photoshoot? Feel like that's a bit redundant, given that it's your job."

[kendra santisi]

Kendra had long disassociated her work from her personal life, knowing what to play up for the cameras and keeping it as surface as she could. Occasionally it toed a thin line, as evidenced in the glossy photos spread wide on her lap, but even then she couldn't recall a moment where she'd stepped past any personal boundaries. Nothing that especially deserved this icy reception, eyes widening at his response before carefully rolling once he looked back at the television screen. Imperceptibly she tugs her hair out of her pony tail only to redo it again, a sudden sense of frustration building so quickly that she couldn't keep her hands still. “Well good, because I shoot the second half of this next week" she finally responds, a lie, lips curling to pour out the details before the buzzer silences her. Saved by the bell. “I'll get it," Kendra murmurs, thanking their favorite delivery guy before methodically unpacking everything in the kitchen with a sigh. She suddenly wasn't hungry anymore.

[isaac mcavoy]

Petty though it was, the thought of bringing Alessia or Chloe up crossed Isaac's mind. It was a hideous part of jealousy, that desire to spread it around, and ultimately he knew it would only make matters worse. Still, the refreshed image of her in that magazine, nude in the arms of another, made him want to throw the remote at the plane glass window. "What?" Zac asks abruptly, unable to disguise the panic in his voice. He looks over his shoulder as she makes her way to the door, not as excited about the prospect of eating as he would have been ten minutes ago. He follows her into the kitchen, getting them both another couple beers as she put the food out. "You mean you're shooting again, or they're releasing another round of photos?"

[kendra santisi]

She doesn't know why she does it. Makes up some shoot just to bate him further, playing on that intrinsic fear that they both felt. That there was so much built up against them, that this wasn't supposed to last. Even if she felt completely comfortable Kendra was always on guard, waiting for the second shoe to fall. She knew he had to feel the same, the alarm in his voice apparent as he trails her to the kitchen. Was he jealous, or afraid that she'd gone out with the guy after the shoot? That it'd all become too heated and she'd blurred any boundaries for a good photo? It's unsettling to put herself in that position, avoiding eye contact as her palms wrapped around the chilled bottle. Relenting, the tiniest bit. “I think behind the scenes stuff, all digital. I didn't really ask."

[isaac mcavoy]

The mere suggestion had made Isaac's throat run dry. He busies himself to try and cover his obvious discomfort, though his shoulders feel tense and he can't meet her eye, instead focusing on spooning food from one container into another like it was the most difficult task in the world. Her flippancy irks him and he can't help but show it, his movements getting erratic and his tone clipped. "Weird, Ale never did two rounds. But then her rates were insane." Ah, there it was. The gotcha moment, the saltiest of salty replies, an eye for an eye. Placated by his pettiness, he took a long sip of the beer and turned on his heels, heading back to the couch without waiting for her.

[kendra santisi]

Kendra should have expected what was coming. Idling too close, the tension all but visible as she leaned against the counter beside him. Guilt mixed with the incredulous notion that he wouldn't fess up what he felt, gaze quickly rolling at the height of his shoulders. She knew she wasn't playing fair at her own game, palm sliding to the marble surface until she pulls away when silverware clatters to a stop beside her. Then he says it, and it's no longer a game at all. Kendra's eyes widen and flick toward Zac, his retreating form, anger mixed with shock keeping her anchored to where she stood. “Did you really just say that?" she finally calls out, barely even remembering what she grabbed before she's in front of him again. “Want to call me a second-tier fuck while you're at it, or do you need to wait until someone else is on the cover of Vogue before I don't quite make the cut?"

[isaac mcavoy]

Now that he's out of her line of vision it's an effort for Isaac not to smirk. His unease with the shoot had intensified to resentment over the last few weeks of them not being able to clear the air, and petty though it was, getting a dig in gave him a momentarily sense of satisfaction. Loosening noodles with his chopsticks, he switches the TV over to ESPN, shovelling food into his mouth. In a flash his beautiful girlfriend is stood before him with a face like thunder. "Oh shut up Kendra, I didn't say that..." he starts incredulously, acting as though he had no idea what she was getting at. As she finishes speaking he looks at her, letting the question hang for a moment. "...What's that supposed to mean?"

[kendra santisi]

“Cut the bullshit, you know exactly what you said," Kendra snaps, sick of him trying to play a part she saw right through. If he'd wanted to hit where it hurt he'd done it well, the chopsticks she clutched in her palm all but breaking under the weight of her fingers. It was one thing to bring Alessia up in passing, but this? Her heart gives an unexpected tug, tearing her gaze away to calm the frustrated tears that had bubbled to the surface before settling on the coffee table across from him. “I don't have another shoot, that was a bullshit lie on my end. But you comparing me to your ex-girlfriend? My ex best friend? I'm not your fucking consolation prize for that not working out."

[isaac mcavoy]

Called out on his bullshit, Isaac sighs, leaning back onto the couch. Now that the initial thrill of getting one up on her had started to fade, guilt crept in to replace it, and he knew the two of them would remember what he had said-- probably more than the shoot, in the end. He opens his mouth as she starts talking but closes it again, wanting her to get it all out. It's no small effort and frustration of his own starts to bubble up under the surface, but he's the grown up here, he knows this is his own mess to sort out. "I didn't say that," he repeats, though this time more softly. He tries to make eye contact with her, ducking his head to try and get her to look at him. He's relieved that there's no more photoshoots and it allows him to calm down a little, his frustration making way for yet more guilt. "I'm not comparing you two, of course I'm not. You're not my consolation prize any more than I'm yours, we're in the same boat here."

[kendra santisi]

A shaky breath betrays her, Kendra’s gaze focused on her hands tangled anxiously together on her lap. The ghosts of their past would forever be too close for comfort, never more prominent than when wielded in a fight against one another. An easy out if needed, something that troubles her even more when he leans down and she immediately turns her head to the side to avoid him. “Then why bring her up?" Kendra eventually whispers, flicking her eyes back to him in question. She should feel guilty for stoking the argument in the first place but her remorse was voided at the mention of Alessia’s name. After everything, she would always hang over their heads. As would Taylor. It’s a shuttering thought, one that courses through her as she retreats back to the kitchen in silence. “Are we both equally as fucked up for doing this?"

[isaac mcavoy]

Zac puts the takeaway carton down on the glass coffee table in front of him, his appetite gone. Kendra avoids his eye contact and that's when the remorse sets in. More than just guilty now, he wishes he had kept his stupid mouth shut. Not only would she remember that he had done this, it felt like an open invitation for her to do the same to him one day, Taylor an easy opportunity for retaliation. "To be a dick, obviously," he admits, giving up the innocent act. "Baby, come on," he says as she walks back to the kitchen. "It was just a stupid comment, I didn't mean anything by it. Don't get melancholic, it's fine, people move on, we moved on. It's not a crime," he says, following behind.

[kendra santisi]

Kendra nods her head to acknowledge his honesty, idly lingering by the kitchen island as one too many thoughts poured through her head. She was angry and upset and felt guilty on top of everything, trying to sort through her emotions to keep her mouth under control. But she's so tired and his proximity's put her on edge again, still refusing to look his way in her childish attempt at defiance. “People don't do what we did," Kendra finally murmurs under her breath, palms slick against the beer bottle she takes a generous pull from. “I get it, it's not technically wrong. But...I just.. " she trails off, sullen in her mind before her shoulders lift harshly to her ears and drop on the edge of a huff. “Feel like that'll happen again. Another fight, and Alessia's given you the best blowjob you've ever had, or Taylor's better with his tongue. It can get really fucked up."

[isaac mcavoy]

This was not how he had seen this evening going. Running a hand through dishevelled hair, frustration ate away at his patience. Somewhere inside himself there was a little voice he knew so well, a narrator that had been with him since he was a teenager, one that had only ever been successfully quietened with the use of narcotics. But it was back, whispering one mantra over and over: this is your fault, you're not good enough. Trying to shut it out wasn't easy, not with his girlfriend so upset with him, her delicate features making her look like a sad doll. "That's because people aren't like us," he said with exasperation, though he could hear how douche-y it was. He sighed. "What I mean is, it's a unique situation, isn't it? There's no guidelines for this... David Bowie and Jimmy Page dated the same girl, they still seemed cool with each other." He's grasping at straws and he knows it. The momentum of their early days had kept them going without thinking, never settling long enough to dwell on the wrongness of their actions. Isaac had the album and Kendra had more shoots than she could feasibly manage, when they were reunited it was all about lust and laughter and there had been no place for guilt in their rose-tinted world. As she talks he feels struck by shame, sorry to have inspired such thoughts and so justifiably. "I know. I can't promise I'll never say anything like that again... I can promise I'll try not to, I promise I don't mean them and won't ever mean them, and I promise that when you say something I'll try my best to let it go. That's all we can do."

[kendra santisi]

“This isn’t the 70’s and I’m not a 15 year old groupie," she adds defensively, tucking her palms deep into her jacket pockets so he couldn’t see her hands curl into fists. She didn’t know why she kept arguing but then again, she couldn’t remember a time when they’d actually argued before, so caught up in the fleeting moments together that reality had yet to crash in. But here it was now, suffocating her, very much wanting to be back in the past. Kendra finally turns to look at him when he starts speaking again, mind stilling in his honesty. She hadn’t expected him to say that, so used to shouldering or shielding herself from blame that she’d all but concocted the speech in her head. Instead her hand slips out to find his, testing the well worn grooves within the slender grasp of her fingers. “That’s all we can do," she finally repeats, testing out honesty of her own. “But I cant say that won’t always hurt me."

[isaac mcavoy]

He's said the wrong thing, that's obvious from her response. Isaac has to stop himself from adding that he's not a rock legend and that the comparison was purely theoretical, but he's wise enough to keep his mouth shut. Besides, she was right. There was much more betrayal between them, betrayal that seemed to be in an endless feedback loop: he betrayed Alessia, she betrayed Taylor, he betrayed Taylor, she betrayed Alessia... at least Taylor had been unfaithful to her. That at least gave Kendra justification, but then it didn't justify her moving on to his bandmate, did it? The whole sorry mess was too much to think about, and so he hadn't. Until now. When he talks it's with the clarity that rehab afforded him. Endless therapy groups and the Narcotics Anonymous meetings that had followed instilled that in him: Admit, Acknowledge Harm Done, Avoid Guarantees. He felt institutionalised. Still, she was at least looking at him now, and when she speaks he feels some relief. "It hurts me too. I can't believe I said it, I'm a fucking idiot Kenny. Especially after you've come all this way... can you forgive me?"