This American Life #588 - Blood and Water

[Deleted]

Romance with you, definitely. But with Rafi, I don't really think I ever quit trying till I was removed from the situation and realized how crazy it was that I was with him through that. It really was the cliche cycle of abuse. Where the abuse happened, then he was all sorts of sorry, was the perfect husband, was less perfect and then it was abuse again. It was really manipulative.

[Deleted]

[ He laughs, a little sadly ] Yeah, you're not a quitter. What would you say to anyone who thinks they might be in your position now?

[Deleted]

[ She pauses in thought ] For me it was about failing, I didn't want to fail. Have the confidence to move away from the situation, it gets better. Think about if you had a daughter, would you want your daughter with someone like that? Or a son, even. You should want the same for you. And confide in someone you trust. Find a Nick.

[Deleted]

[ He laughs more genuinely this time. ] You hear that? Go with his kid brother, that's the advice. Anyway. To get back to the story, eventually things came to a head. Can you talk a little about how that was for you, what you did and how he reacted?

[Deleted]

I don't know. [ She hesitates, her voice confused ]. It was just bitter. Because I left and I left with you.. not that way, but you took Naila and I. It was just angry and bitter, aggressive.

[Deleted]

It was hard. [ His voice wavers as he goes on ] I... even when you see the truth, you don't necessarily feel it, not deep down. My most urgent feeling was that Naila and Freya needed to get out of there, I wanted to shield them. But then it sank in what I was protecting them from. My best friend, my brother, my idol since forever. My parents didn't take it well either.

[Deleted]

No, they didn't. They said I was lying. Then, like you said, Newbury is a small town. So everyone knew and everyone had an opinion.

[Deleted]

Now might be a good time to mention that my family were the only Muslims in Newbury. I never really noticed that growing up, but boy, did I feel it then. Lots of murmurs about how it was to be expected, about Islam's view on women. Which no one was very well versed in, obviously. So you had people calling my whole family terrorists, then you had people calling for Freya to be burnt at the stake for lying. Not much in between.

[Deleted]

[ Freya speaks with difficulty, her voice wavers ] I'm sure it was different but at the same time similar for you.. there was no one but each other. I had my family, but they had moved away. The Khans were my family, and I lost them. I lost friends too. A lot of people were surprisingly team Rafi and I felt a lot of guilt.

[Deleted]

[ Nick speaks quickly and firmly, barely giving her a chance to finish ] It wasn't similar. My brother failed both of us, but I was a spectator to his failure, you... [ he pauses, exhaling heavily ] you suffered the full force of it. I was disappointed-- no, devastated, that my parents took his side, but knowing what he'd done made it easy to walk away from all of them.

[Deleted]

No, he really failed both of us. In different ways, but very much so. What do you say when Naila asks? She doesn't ask much anymore, but when she did I'd change the subject.

[Deleted]

[ A long pause. ] You know, she doesn't ask. Never mentions any of my family to me. She must pity me.

[Deleted]

Maybe she knows better. She used to ask where dad was and I'd reply something like, [ voice gets high ] 'you know what I want for dinner? Ravioli. What about them Yankees?'

[Deleted]

We should talk to her about it. Maybe when we tell her about the adoption.

[Deleted]

[ She awkwardly laughs ] that's a little t-m-i.