. lost in yesterday

[Deleted]

The valium has helped him to return to an even keel, giving him a little bit of a barrier between himself and everything happening physically around him. His body feels more slack and the ache from his at home weight training has eased. Amelia is bundled up in a blanket in his arms and the blanket feels amazing against his skin, soothing. He's still not hungry and he keeps an eye on Oliver, forever afraid that he'll choke on his food one day. He feels a little dozy and he holds the baby out to her, even with her lap already full of food. "Can you hold her a sec? I need a glass of water," he says, hoisting her over before Jada can answer. Stood at the kitchen sink, he downs a couple glasses of water straight from the faucet, barely pausing for air. He returns, forcing himself to straighten his head out. "Sorry, here, I can take her back."

[jada carson]

Jada moves the food from her lap to make room for Amelia. Taking her in her arms, she dabs a soft kiss on her forehead. It's okay, she stands and sits the baby on her hip, let's wake up and get a bite. She sets her in her high chair and takes a container from the fridge. Could you get Ollie a drink? she asks as she pours the container in a pot to warm it up. She watches Ollie from afar, he's so transfixed in the television. Usually she tried to keep them away from screens, but it was desperate times. Here we I. I swear, Amy, this is gourmet stuff, open wide.

[Deleted]

Finn didn't know how Jada made parenting look so easy. Every so often he'd get a surge of claustrophobia, a sense that it was all too much and he had to step away. Being on his own with the kids on weekends could be particularly intense, and he'd bonded so much with his brother because he'd had to lean on him so much. Jada effortlessly took and shushed the baby, and he felt all the more guilty for being so useless. He poured Ollie out some apple juice, making sure to dilute it with water. "Here you go champ," he said, going to the living room and placing it in front of his zombified son. Champ. He really was becoming his father. He slumps down next to the kid and allows himself to be pulled in to the world of Monsters Inc, glad to not be watching Netflix. "I forgot how good this movie is."

[jada carson]

Amelia opens her mouth wide and Jada makes a noise like an airplane into her mouth. Her own mother was a good mom. She was always there, always patient and a role model. When Jada thought about how she parented, she often referenced her mother. When she'd find herself in tears over a stubborn toddler, her mother would talk her down. It's great, isn't it? Pixar is watchable. Amelia finishes her last spoonful and Jada cleans her face with a warm cloth. She lifts Amelia and sets her down on the rug in the living room. Here Ollie, come play dinosaurs with Amy, she pulls a bin full of plastic toys and sets them in front of the two. If you like this, you should see Monsters University. It holds up.

[Deleted]

Something feels unresolved and he knows it's feeding in to his sense of unease. He wants the children to go to bed so they can have it out, but he also wants the comfort of their company, and to avoid making things any more uncomfortable. Oliver looks up at him as his mom encourages him to play with his sister, and Finn can see that he really just wants to sit and watch the movie. "C'mon buddy, you can still see Monsters from the floor," he says, lifting him up off the couch and placing him next to Amelia and the bucket of dinos. He crouches beside him, looking up at the TV. "See? If anything it's a better view." He gets up and walks to the kitchen, starting to fill the sink with warm water so he can clean up.

[jada carson]

The children bring a stillness. Ollie is patience with his sister and shows her his favourite toys. She rolls them in her chubby hands and when she puts it in her mouth, Oliver tells her calmly not to. Jada steals the blanket and wraps it around herself. She returns to the couch and nests herself among pillows. She hears the sound of dishes clapping against each other in the background. She knows it isn't real and that something remains unsaid, but it feels like it's working. This could have been the nature of their family, this beautiful simplicity.

[Deleted]

By the time Finn returns to the living room, he's returned to feeling more like himself. He grins as Oliver explains which different dinosaurs are which to his baby sister, having a calm, patient aura that he certainly learnt from his mother. The argument that they had had when Jada said she was pregnant for a second time felt like a hundred years ago, he felt like a different person to the person who had suggested maybe they not go through with it. Why had domestic life been something he'd spent so much of his life resisting? Finally he's hungry, and he picks up some of Oliver's scraps and starts to tuck in.  "Sorry," he says quietly, out of earshot of the kids.

[jada carson]

Jada stretches out on the couch and lets out a big yawn. Though she was spending less energy, she felt herself growing more exhausted during these lazy days of quarantine. She pulls at the blanket and watches bickering monsters on the screen. Finn apologies and she trades him a soft smile. We're all tired and cranky, she justifies. No one had been in this scenario before and they were blind when it came to handling it. Jada was a natural homebody, but Finn was filling his days going back and forth from place to place. Are you okay?

[Deleted]

Tensions were bound to arise in such a highly strung environment, and Finn was actually surprised by how easily the four of them had managed to settle into something of a normal life. He felt bad for Oliver, not only because he was trapped inside and couldn't really understand why, but because it must be confusing to have your parents apart and then suddenly back together again. It made his heart hurt to think of how they would have to return to their separate lives, how Ollie would have to go back to the weekend vs. week day routine. He felt for him, but he also felt for himself. "I'm okay," he confirms, believing it only once he's said it. "I popped a valium so I'll probably head to bed soon, but let me know if you need me to stay up for bath time."

[jada carson]

She twists a piece of brown hair in her index finger. Regular life seemed so far away. It'd be different if there was an end date, but there wasn't. The uncertainty of it kept her from feeling comfortable in Finn's home. Moving around in the familiar home with no title made her thirsty for dignity. Aware of how rigid she's become, Jada attemps to soften her posture toward Finn. No bath time, she declares tiredly. Maybe in the morning, but I think everyone could use an early ish night.

[Deleted]

Finn nods. It was incredible how much motherhood had transformed Jada. Well, mainly through amplifying traits she already had but that had probably grown rusty over the years of their early relationship - who needed patience when you could get anything at a snap of your fingers? What was the point of empathy when you could fake it by flooding your system with recreational drugs? Speaking of, Finn would kill for a joint right now. "Are you okay?" he asks, kicking himself for not doing so earlier. He leans a little closer, glancing over at Ollie to make sure he's still deep into his dinosaur chat. "Let's put them to bed early and have a smoke. Up on the master balcony, for old time's sake."