. give up the ghost

[Deleted]

For years people had tried to work out what it was the golden girl saw in the sullen boy. Many of their male classmates had thought it was just luck, that how long they had known each other gave him an unfair advantage. The girls thought it was Athena's way of rebelling without actually rebelling - he may have looked like a bad boy, but ultimately he was as privileged as the rest of them. Julian himself had never figured out what it was she saw in him, so he never trusted it to stick. As she speaks something inside him eases, the relief of being understood by her making him wonder if maybe they had a future after all. "It's alright," he says, meaning it for the first time. "I should have faced up to it sooner." He kneads the pastry, his arms cradling her lithe frame as he does so. "God, imagine if I was married right now," he says, a small shudder passing through him.

[athena mccarthy]

They really did balance each other so well. Athena tried to keep Julian out of the shadows, while he kept her from burning herself on the sun. While she had no regrets about what she'd done with her life, there were a few bad choices that Julian could have guarded her from making. But maybe that was meant to be. Feeling needy for his touch, she rests herself against him and watches as he works the dough. "It stood no chance. My jealous rage would have scared her away," she thinks of the girl. Too sweet for this to be fair on her. "But this apartment might be better if you were "

[Deleted]

The dough eases into shape as he forces it onto the counter, folding it in on itself and rotating it in a rhythmic motion. Eventually it's firm and smooth and he senses that it's time to stop, experience having taught him that it was better to slightly under work it than over. He laughs at her comment about his place. "I knew you'd hate it. I like it, it's low maintenance." He reluctantly moves away from her, running the tap and nodding for her to wash her hands. "Plus no one can read anything from it when I'm on work calls. Now, what do you want to do while that rests?"

[athena mccarthy]

She smiles, "it's the lighting. It's dull." He moves away and she feels cold, as though her blanket has been taken from her. She suds up her hands, the soap and water remove the bits of dough that are clung to the creases. "They can read that you like the colour grey," she comments, drying her hands on a towel. "I'm not sure, what do friends do? Do you want to play a game? Or watch a show?" she thinks and looks around his apartment, "maybe we can finish decorating? Put up those pictures?"

[Deleted]

He follows her lead, lathering up his hands and rinsing them clean. He leans against he wall as he dries each hand off, considering her suggestions and feeling no inclination to follow any of them. He didn't like TV, he had no games, and he liked the pictures where they were, though he was sure she was joking about that one. "You have more experience with friends than I do," he points out, chucking the tea towel on the counter. He years for more wine but resists. "How about you let me judge your dating profiles? I can give you honest feedback."

[athena mccarthy]

She watches as his face turns bored as she runs activities off her tongue. He was always so hard to please and being reminded of this makes her smile. "That's true," she opens his cabinets in search of a glass. Everything is so tidy and organized. She pulls a glass and fills it with water. "I'm off them," she takes a long sip of water, "but here, let's reactivate a couple just for kicks." For a minute her fingers tap at her phone. Pulling up and reactivating a couple of dating profiles and then handing it to him, "grade me."

[Deleted]

A frisson of joy passes through Julian as she mentions that she's off apps, though he knows she must be inundated with men propositioning her on just about every other medium possible. He stays leaning against the wall, watching her as her fingers glide across her phone-- he hopes she goes back to deactivating them once this is done, kicking himself for making her revisit them. But the thought fades as she pulls one up, handing her phone over. He scrolls, letting out a low whistle. "Alright. It doesn't really matter what you've put down, those pictures are hot."

[athena mccarthy]

Connection with someone is what she really missed. Bumping into them at a bar and feeling that immediate tension... that sort of thing didn't exist anymore, and she wasn't sure when it would. She found it difficult to visit those moments on a dating app. In truth, ever since Julian reentered her life she'd found it hard to take anyone else seriously. Fleeting moments of passion only lead to boredom and her missing him. She feels her cheeks grow hot, "they're old. You can tell because the bikinis and I haven't been anywhere tropical in over a year." She finishes her water and sets the glass in the sink, "show me yours."

[Deleted]

"I bet you've never once swiped right and not got a match." He pours over the profile, a glimpse into a version of her that he didn't know at all. He knew her as his girlfriend, and he knew her as his ex, but this was a whole world that he shuddered to think of her being a part of. The idea that you could reduce her down to a few photos and a couple witty replies seemed ludicrous, but then, it did feel like her. He hands her phone back, shaking his head. "You seriously think I'd be on a dating app? It's hard to brood online."

[athena mccarthy]

"Never swiped right once," she lies with a grin. She pretends to read him. Her eyes narrow and her brow furrows, but she knows full well that he's not the type. He'd get all the matches, but struggle to fake it through a conversation. She takes back her phone and takes a second to look at the tan model looking back at her. Cringey - she stuffs it in her back pocket. "I'm glad you don't, it'd be harder to put myself in your business" She leans against the country and feels as her heart pounds, a tension growing as she looks at him. "You're making this hard," she tears her gaze from him and turns to the sink to splash her face.

[Deleted]

He takes comfort in the obvious lie, letting out a short laugh. The thought of having to put himself out there on a dating app, selecting pictures and holding inane conversations with people with whom he had nothing in common... it would not be an exaggeration to say that he would much rather die alone. "I was engaged and you interfered, what chance does a random girl off the internet have?" He smiles as he says it, knowing full well that she couldn't interfere if he didn't so consistently allow her to. "What can I do to make it easier?"

[athena mccarthy]

She smiles and forces a laugh, "ohhh, random internet girls have a way of getting into hearts." Athena always had this thought that he would be taken away and swept off his feet the way that she could have never. She knew it was selfish and unfair, but it almost died when he'd been engaged. She shrugs and pushes her hair out of her face, "maybe if you hadn't gone all Patrick Swayze with the pastry, it might not be so bad." She wipes the drips of water off her face with her sleeve, "but you can take your shirt off, or kiss me or anything that falls between or after those things. I think that'd make it easier."

[Deleted]

All girls that followed Athena felt like junk food by comparison. A quick, easy hit, with no lasting benefit beyond satisfying that initial hunger. But he imagines every man who meets her must feel that way, that it's less to do with them and everything to do with her. He shakes his head as she speaks, and for once decides to act impulsively. He pulls his t-shirt up and over his head, scrunching it up into a ball as he closes the gap between them. "Come here," he says softly, using the balled up t-shirt to pat down her face. Once dry, he leans down and kisses her. "Better?"

[athena mccarthy]

She blames her neediness on Covid, it was too easy to blame her want to be touched on a rule that left everyone six feet apart and masked. But it was all Julian. She wanted his hands on her no matter the condition on the outside. And for whatever reason the lack of alcohol made her more susceptible to her need for attention. She half expects him to put her down, but instead she's watching him take his shirt off and move his sculpted body closer to hers. Her hands lift from the cold marble and pull him closer into her. She tips her head to press her lips against his. "Worse, actually," she pushes her lips against his again, "I miss you all the time. In a really unfriendly way."

[Deleted]

Even now her hands feel warm against him and he laughs a little, her inner warmth radiating out of her and making her a terrible candidate for pastry making. Her lips are so pillowy soft under his that he's relieved she kisses him again, since he missed them in that brief few seconds apart. He pulls her against himself, wrapping his arms around her and letting out a sigh. "I don't know what to do with you. Or myself, even," he admits. Knowing that logically he should keep his distance - and not even just because they were in the middle of a pandemic - but because it was heading down a road he knew to be full of twists. "We should probably have gone no contact a long time ago."