elyse olivia:

[elyse condon]

THE AESTHETIC.

                        * TAKE YOUR TIME TO BLOOM. BUT LIVE IN THE MOMENT.
                     * YOU SAY YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH ME, AND I SAID ME TOO.
                                                  

[elyse condon]

HOW TO FALL OUT OF LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND. It doesn't happen. If anyone has any advice, please let me know. Because right now, I'm just faking it. I act as though anything Theo does, doesn't affect me. And do you know how hard that is? Sure, I still play the part of his best friend..but inside it's killing me. There just wasn't another way to keep him.  He made it abundantly clear that he couldn't go down this road, or whatever it was that we were feeling towards each other. It was strong. I felt it, and I still feel it. So add that on to being why it's so hard to pretend like I have no feelings towards him. But it does something to a girl when their best friend rejects them. Thousands of insecure thoughts float through my head. Am I not pretty enough? Does he not like that I'm on the curvier side? Is it because I post my body too much on social media? And of course the big one - what do they have that I don't have? My stomach turns with nerves and my heart skips a beat when we lock eyes, or he brings me home my favorite dish from the mexican place down the street we're obsessed with. He's a great guy. Nice, sweet, beyond attractive, the type of person who'd do anything for you. We're polar opposites. Where as I struggle to make friends, and if I do, I keep them close because of my trust issues.  Of course I regret saying something. I ran every single scenario in my head on whether it was right or wrong to proclaim my feelings towards Theo. This was one that I dreaded. The rejection. I knew it was something that could happen though, I'm not as naive as Ollie makes me out to be. For some reason I just thought it would be the other. He'd feel the same, end things with Dolly and want to figure out this chemistry between us. Yeah, things are ended between him and Dolly because of me. My mistakes. There's just no us. No Theo and Ellie. And I know he has to somewhat resent me for it, even if he won't say it. Instead, here I am pretending as though I've moved on.  But at night, I replay our kiss in my head a hundred times. The feel of his lips on mine, the way his hands reached for my jaw as our kiss almost turned to more. Now I settle for a hug, an occasional snuggle on the couch and a "I don't know what I'd do without you, Ellie, you're my best friend."  So. where do I go now?

[elyse condon]

MOVING ON AND GETTING OVER something I should've done months ago. Cleo gives me the text that the coast is clear. It means that I have a limited amount of time to move all of my belongings out of a place I called home for almost four years. My heart is pounding as I unlock the door and get a smell of Theo's cologne mixed with a vanilla candle. Jack and Spencer follow me into the apartment and head straight for my bedroom. I take a few deep breaths in the kitchen before I join them. I'd been keeping my bedroom door shut and locked for a few months now. It was unlike me, I usually kept it open in case Theo wanted to sneak in during the day or night. He was always welcomed. Now, it was locked. Just like my heart.  I had been gathering boxes for a few weeks. Just as soon as I figured out what would be my next move, literally. I didn't want Theo to accidentally catch a glimpse at my big plan. The grand finale to my feelings for him. I was tired of sitting in the same room as the man who broke my heart. Watching him lust over someone was happily married, or so I assume. Then I realized that's what I was doing. It was so pathetic of me. And jealousy was a nasty feeling. I was waiting, hoping and wishing that he'd change his mind about me. After months, those silly dreams have turned me bitter. Sour and hateful towards someone who obviously was not going to cross the line we once staggered close to. I wanted to get back to who I was before I admitted my feelings. Confident, fun and someone who would never let a man dictate her feelings like so.  The boys have started disassembling my bed by the time I'm out of my thoughts. Jack brought his truck for the big items - my bed, dresser and two night stands. I decided I was leaving anything else that I purchased for the apartment. My future roommate had everything else covered. The coffee pot, margarita glasses and other various items would stay where they were meant for. It doesn't take long for the boys and I pack up the entirety of the room. I was so thankful for these boys. Jack was my best friend Megan's boyfriend and Spencer was a friend I had made from the Emergency Room. They dropped everything to help me leave this now hurtful environment.  I'll give my key to Cleo. I'm silently leaving. And part of me wants to see how long it's going to take Theo to realize how that I'm gone. He's preoccupied, so I know it's going to be a while. I don't know how it's going to affect him, but I don't care anymore. I give my bedroom one last stare. The empty room gives me mixed emotions. I should've done this months ago. It's hard to close the door, but I do it. The breath I was holding escaping as it shuts for the last time, by my hand.  "You ready to go, Ellie?" Jack hollers from the hallway just as the door shuts. "I'm coming!" My eyes close and I take in his scent for a final time. "You're doing this for you, Ellie. This isn't healthy for you any longer." I convince myself one more time. But I'm moving on and I'm getting over him.