. set me free

[Deleted]

Heavy bass reverberates through Xander's car, making the steering wheel vibrate under his fingertips. Since Ellie had disappeared to a friend's house almost a week before, Xander had engulfed himself in music, hoping to drown out the impending threat of his own loneliness before it could materialise. Sat at a traffic light a block away from Lily's complex, a middle aged man shoots him a dirty look from the car beside, apparently of the opinion that blaring techno could be better described as 'unbearable noise pollution'. It was an opinion his neighbors shared, but at least for them they were used to it. Ignoring the look, he pulls into the car park, parking up and pulling his phone out for a look. No Ellie in amongst the slew of notifications. No Lily either, which was more surprising. Why hadn't Ellie said anything, or maybe Carmen? Or had they, and Lily was reserving her ire to share in person, since they had prearranged dinner plans for this evening? A sinking feeling settles in his stomach, dread making his fingers move more slowly than usual as they glide across the screen. He pulls open Lily's messages, swallowing thickly as he types.  In the car park. Having a cigarette so no rush.

[lily mccarthy]

Be out in a sec! The tips of Lily's fingers gloss over the keys, tossing her phone on her dresser before ruffling her hair in the mirror. Nostalgia cloys her throat when amber eyes finally find their match across the glass, dragged through memories of a honeyed past and barefoot nights. A ghost coming back to haunt her, the swoop in her stomach when their gazes found one another on the coastline. It had felt like fate, then; and Lily was nothing but persistent when it came to her intuition. It's why the walk to his car is full of stuttering trepidation now, the erratic pulse of her heart she tries to calm under the pressure of her palm. Steadier, by the time she's sliding across faded leather and fiddling with the radio. "Those can still kill you, you know," Lily chides softly, a callback to her high school nagging. Always the good girl who did it right. Always the good girl who got played before the same eyes she caught in the side-view. Older now, smarter, stronger. "Ready to go?" Still tied a little too close to her past.

[Deleted]

There's the spark from his lighter in the dingey underground car park, a cigarette that he wished was a joint hanging from his lips as he lit it. A deep drag helps to settle his nerves, though not by much. It felt like a modern reboot of an old 90s film, one of the especially lazy ones where the core plot remained entirely the same, but the characters had iPhones and made pop culture references. If this was history repeating itself then he was the author of this lazy reboot, too uninspired or weak willed or maybe even just too stupid to change the script. He felt sick, seeing a filled out, older version of himself in the wing mirror, knowing that actually he hadn't changed at all. He exhales a plume of toxic smoke as she arrives, making her appear like a glamorous magician's assistant as it clears around her. "Shit, really? I thought they fixed all that years ago," he says, looking at the cigarette and chucking it out the open window as if in horror. He took the opportunity to look at her properly, something he had taken to doing on their sporadic meetings since their first chance LA encounter. It was hard to believe that this was the woman he had once taken for granted, her honied skin, her hazel eyes, always radiating that same warmth he knew so well. "You're really beautiful," he says, the words slipping from his mouth unintentionally, his tone a little sad though it seemed she didn't know why.  And she really didn't know, he could see that now. A small shred of him is relieved, and that same shred of him is inclined to continue on as normal, to see how long he could spin this out before she inevitably found out the truth. But no, it was time to rework that old script after all. "Hey, Lily," he starts, reluctance making it hard for him to find the words and then to say them. "Do you mind if we skip dinner? Maybe get takeout at mine?"

[lily mccarthy]

"Re-marketed as Juuls, same results unfortunately." The brief reminder of change pulls Lily's brows together in memory, tone light but heart taught with the past. If she glanced in the rearview she'd be half ready for desert storms and unending summers, the callous grip Xander always managed to make so soft. But this is Los Angeles, all palm trees and lost promises, and she's reminded at the age that weathers away when they really look at each other. The hints of loss tinged at their surfaces. It's unsettling, turning to fiddle with the air conditioning vent and clear her mind. Lily barely hears it, after that. So forlorn that something spins in her chest, turning her amber eyes from the windshield glare to study him. "Thank you," she eventually murmurs in return, the hint of confusion lost at the edge of her voice. Wrong, she hears somewhere distantly. Something is wrong. So she holds to each passing second, breath drawing in shallow and soft. Slowly pulls the key from the ignition when he asks for a change of plans, shifts again, curls her body to face him full on and serious. "What's wrong?" Lily asks immediately, cutting to the chase because she still knew him, after all these years. The scars and the betrayal and the wavering tone he used when he spoke the truth. She'd known it was too good to be true.

[Deleted]

The line between familiarity and unfamiliarity had once seemed so stark. Not now, not with those big doll eyes squinting at him, reading his face in the way that only Lily McCarthy could. Memories flooded back to him, moments he had been spending time with her in Albuquerque having just left Ellie in New Mexico. She could sense his duplicity, could read his dishonesty like subtitles as he fed her line after line. It had been stupid to imagine any other outcome than this. But he'd been able to. The grace with which she'd carried herself from that very first encounter, that was new, and that made it easier to think that she was a different person now. With that, it had been easier to pretend he was too, though only the former was actually true. "Hey," he says, his hand easily finding hers when she pulls the key from the ignition, his fingers softly curling into hers, brushing against the keys but staying there. He lets out a heavy sigh, glancing at her before looking away, back to the steering wheel. Why was this so hard? At one point he would have been able to convince himself that he'd done nothing wrong, but at least he wasn't now as stupid as he once had been. "It's not that bad." He wants to insist on driving away. They're on her territory, it'll be only too easy for her to slip out the car and out of his life, for forever this time. That thought hurts, but if Xander's honest with himself, he knows he owes her that option. Another sigh, but this time he forces himself to look at her. "I haven't been entirely honest with you."

[lily mccarthy]

If there was one thing that Lily McCarthy had learned the hard way, it was that trusting blindly often led to terrible things. With the exception of her living situation, she'd kept her friendships tight and curated, wary of who wanted her to get ahead, or who plainly wanted her. The stepping stone to her brother or object of misplaced affection, she'd become adept at reading people much more quickly. No longer naive to the desperation of escaping New Mexico, Los Angeles had settled on her shoulders, vapid but bright. It's how she knows, now, that there's an inevitability here. A playbook she can all but thread from his mouth, gaze cast to the way his hand encloses hers. Her fingers pulse in his once, an acknowledgment, looking up as he looks away. "Hey," she murmurs back, choosing to take in the slope of his shoulders, the rigidity in contrast to their lax hold. The keys tighten in her palm, next line he spits rattling in harmony in her head. "It's never good when you start like that," Lily briefly reminds him, because he's said it before. Hasn't changed so much after all, almost childish in the way he shirks away. Lily half feels the pen in her hand again, scribbling lyrics through sobs at the Owl Cafe with dust coating the windows. Her throat closes on instinct, half ready to escape the car but knowing that the least she could give is a chance. Loss made you lenient, sometimes. "Tell me, then. Honesty's really what you've owed me after all this time."

[Deleted]

There were moments between being asleep and awake that Xander could pretend his brother was still alive. As he drifted, his eyes heavy, he would be able to summon Raf in a way he never could when fully alert; his voice, his mannerisms, what he believed he would say to him if he could. Xander would have whole conversations with him, processing things in a way he used to be able to do when the man was alive and was able to give him advice. He cherished those moments, aware that they weren't real but relishing the ability to forget that for a few moments at a time. Of course, he would always wake up, and with that he would know the truth. This moment felt so similar to that, the sweet imaginary world in which he could keep this secret slipping away from them as she responds to him. His hand falls from her's, and he feels so much sadder than he thought he would. "No, it's not," he agrees, letting out a short laugh though it's not funny. He exhales heavily, regretting starting down this road though he's too far down to stop. She speaks and he feels a frisson of irritation. What did he owe her? So he didn't tell her he had a girlfriend, so what, it's not like anything had happened between them... but he had wanted it to. Trying to resist the temptation to let himself off the hook, he forces himself to look at her, forces the words out of his lips before he can stop them. "I moved here with a girl. My girlfriend, actually, who I live with. I'm sorry, I should have said sooner."

[lily mccarthy]

Deja vu. It's soft but it's violent, dread so familiar in her throat that Lily half expects to look out the window and see his family home in the distance. Like they were in high school all over again, staring numbly at her palms as the world tipped around her. Those feelings had been so poignant, then... young love, burning quick and bright and sharp. Even years later she remembered that sting. But they're different, now. Not together, not really anything...Lily finds little definition in this car, shoulder pressed against the headrest when his quiet laugh sounds to no response. Honest, is the word that finally settles when he speaks. Honest, and too far gone, and still the same all these damn years later. "What did you want from me, then?" It's all she can think to ask suddenly, brows pulling together in confusion, controlled anger flashing behind her eyes. "You wanted me to go to your home and what, see your life with her? Is she there?" Nervous hands shake through golden strands of hair, half tempted to shove her way out of the car. "You're so...I don't...what the hell did you expect here, X?"

[Deleted]

On paper, this should have felt easier than their first go around. For one, they had been in a relationship at the time, and so the betrayal had been so much deeper. Not just any relationship, but Lily had been his first love, which had only served to make his betrayal all the more severe. Second of all, he'd done it before, and you would think that practice would take some of the sting out of it. However, despite all that, Xander felt sick to his stomach-- so much more so than he had as an idiotic teenager. He can barely bring himself to look at her, the shame is so all encompassing. But she doesn't leave, and he takes a morsel of comfort from that. "I don't know," is all he can say in answer to her question, having asked himself that same question. "I don't know what I wanted," he says, and it's true-- he had no idea what the end goal was, he'd asked himself every day what the best result would be but had only known that he wanted her in his life in whatever way he could swing it.  He sighs heavily, leaning back in the chair and shaking his head. "No, she's not there... do you really think I'd bring you back to meet her?" he manages to look at her now, though the faint threat of saying who his girlfriend actually is makes him feel sick, more sick than he already felt. "She left a week ago when she found out we'd been hanging out," he says, having no idea how that slice of honesty would go down with her. Her final question lands heavily, and he takes a moment to gather his thoughts and respond honestly, finally meeting her eye. "I don't know what I expected. I loved being around you, I love your company... I didn't want to lose you again, but I didn't want to jeopardize my relationship either. Not when you seemed to be doing so great without me."

[lily mccarthy]

Lily hates how it still hurts. Even with zero intentions, limited direction, surface flirting kind of evenings when the hours dipped late, something lingered in the press of her heart. Shame, maybe, of going through this again. Of thinking that they could be something better, form a friendship, rewrite the past and work to something that resembled an understanding. It hurt to be wrong, darkened gaze focused intently on the glove compartment in front of her. "It's your place together, you don't think I would have put all the pieces in place?" Lily's voice pitches louder, mouth closing at her outburst before nodding once in recognition. As she should have, she almost says, but catches the bitter remark before it flits off her tongue. He's still the same confused boy she's always known - it was her mistake to believe that he'd changed completely. "I am doing great without you. It's been years - we could have been friends, if you'd just been honest. Talked to me. Instead you've left your girlfriend out of everything, shrug off the family questions..." Lily's hand hovers over the door handle, eyes still searching his. "I was trying to get to know you again, y'know? And it’s like the same shit all over again."

[Deleted]

"I wanted you to put the pieces in place," he says, and it's only as he says it that it dawns on him what an insane idea that had been. Xander had wanted to show and not tell, had planned on bracing her before they went in but letting the tiny studio apartment speak to his sins so he didn't have to. Pictures littered the small space so obviously inhabited by a couple; photos of him and Ellie at beach BBQs, of Ellie sprawled on his lap on vacation in Thailand, photobooth snaps of them grinning, then laughing, then kissing, all stuck up all over. It seemed a cruel idea now, but at least then he wouldn't have the admission that his girlfriend was who his girlfriend was caught in his throat. He studies her face and can see there's genuine hurt there, which makes him feel like shit. Part of him had thought she might shrug it off, but clearly, the pain from an old wound didn't fade so easily. He feels bad not only for lying now, but for lying then, feeling the shame of his past afresh. "I know you are, and I'm really, truly happy for you Lily," he says, meeting her eye, though he looks away as she mentions his family. He stiffens at the accusation, an instant defensiveness creeping in to his posture and his tone. "I did talk to you about my family," he says firmly, looking straight ahead through the windshield, refusing to acknowledge the elephant in the room even to himself.  He sighs, nodding at her question. "If it was just some girl maybe I would have told you from the get go," he says, not allowing himself to wonder if that was actually true. "You have gotten to know me, it's just that I'm still me, which is to say I'm still a fucking idiot. I'm really sorry Lily. I want so badly for us to be friends, but I've fucked it all up. Again."

[lily mccarthy]

"That's fucked up," she spits, almost lost for words at the possibility. What would he have expected? Her to take one look at the life he'd hidden from her again, be talked at until she relents or breaks down, and then beg him to take her home? It's infuriating to an alarming degree, nails digging crescents into her palms as she shakes. At least he'd had the decency to tell her where she could still escape. Step out of the car and leave him deftly in the past. And yet she waits. And doesn't really know why until he lies. Again. "You haven't, but that's fine. We all process trauma differently. You wanted to be there for me, I wanted to be there for you. That conversation line is there, but that's all it is now." A hesitant breath pushes through her lips, chest tightening under the height of his gaze. Lily doesn't know if she wants to scream, or cry, or throttle the person in front of her. She just knows that sympathy, or an inch of hope, is the last thing she wants to offer. Her palm curls tighter on the door handle, wordlessly flinging it open. "Carmen said something, by the way. So thanks for at least owning up to it yourself this go round. And that offer still stands, if you do want to talk about your brother. But we're not going to be friends."

[Deleted]

He groans, knowing she's right. But at least in that scenario the whole truth would be out, one crushing moment that would limit his need to talk. Because Xander was not a talker at the best of times. Even coked up with his closest friends, he would be the one to fall quiet and let everyone else talk shit at him, nodding along and sipping a beer. "You're right," he says, just as he would on those coked up nights as one of his friends ranted about the moon landing being obviously fake, though this time he meant it.  She says he hasn't talked about it and though that's true, frustration bubbles up inside him like bile. Even as she offers that solitary line of communication, even knowing it to be a lifeline for any semblance of a friendship between him, he doesn't want to do it. Increasingly he feels his anger bubble up, and he places a hand on the steering wheel, gripping it tighter as she speaks, his knuckles fading white. He doesn't say a word, not trusting himself not to say something he'll regret. But then she's leaving the car, and all the emotion built up in this interaction bubbles over as he too gets out of the car, slamming the door behind him. "My brother is none of your fucking business. When are you going to get your head around that?" Speaking about Raf, even indirectly, makes him start to unravel. "Your dad died and that sucks and I'm really sorry, he was a good man and it was too soon. My brother was thirty and he was shot in the fucking face. Every time you try to equate your grief with mine I feel further away from you Lily, that's why I didn't want to fucking talk about it, but you don't give a shit about how I feel, you just want to feel good about yourself."

[lily mccarthy]

Lily she thinks she would have cowered, before. Watched the anger unfurl and shrunk smaller in her seat, let it overwhelm both of them until she burst into tears and begged for everything to be good again. She'd been so naive, lost in the tide of young love and stilted promises. Convinced that they'd figure it out, over time. Now it's years later and she's tired but strong and this isn't love that's being woven back into this car. It's a dam breaking, it's cold words, it's the rush of California balm that soothes her tumultuous soul until all she feels is sadness. For Xander, for their history, for the rush of words that should hurt her but instead just hint at something more. Lily drifts quietly around the car, closing their distance before reaching to brush along the curve of his jaw. "I wanted to be there for you, that's never changed about me. If it makes you feel better to make this all my fault, go on. But grief's incomparable. There's not an inch of me that's going to feel good when it comes to losing something or someone. And I think you know that." It's low but steady out of her mouth, feeling right enough to settle her mind once her palm slips away. Taking a step back as wind drifts through the car park, arms crossing tightly over her chest. "I think I'm gonna go now."

[Deleted]

His unacknowledged grief bristles under his skin, threatening to consume him from within. In truth it had been therapeutic to spend time with Lily, because she was a taste of the past. Spending time with Lily, it was easy to slip into old feelings, to let himself emotionally regress. It was easy to believe he lived in a world in which his brother was still there, was only a text away. As soon as he dropped Lily home the spell would break and the grief would creep back in, only for him to smother it all over again. His words hang between them and he has to look away. She reacts with kindness and it's too much for him, his breath catches in his throat and he has to force a deep exhale. Her touch makes him half flinch, but he looks at her, his eyes finding her's. "I know," he says, because he does know, she doesn't have a malicious bone in her body. He can't speak, his voice feels strained and all he wants is to go home and smoke a bowl, maybe even play Playstation until the hurt dies down. He wants to hide.  But he stays where he is, only nodding as she says she wants to leave. "I'm sorry," he repeats, knowing it's extremely far from being enough. "Not just for lying, but because..." he sighs, glancing up before making himself look at her again. "I'm sorry I'm not ready, I can't talk about it. I don't deserve your friendship, even if I had been upfront." He wanders back to the car, getting in and flicking the radio back on, hoping to drown out his thoughts.