McCARTHY, Charles D.

[Deleted]

CAUSE ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE VAMPIRES, AND ALL YOUR STORIES ARE STALE
AND THOUGH YOU PRETEND TO STAND BY US, I KNOW YOU'RE CERTAIN WE'LL FAIL.

______________________________________________________

FULL NAME: Charles Donovan McCarthy.
NICKNAMES: Charlie.
AGE: 23.
BIRTHDAY: 12/25.
CURRENT CITY: New York City, New York.
HOMETOWN: New York City, New York.
EDUCATION: College educated.
OCCUPATION: High School History teacher.

FACEBOOK NAME: Charlie McCarthy.
TWITTER HANDLE: CharlieMcC.
INSTAGRAM: CharlieMcC.

FATHER:

Bruno Rothschild (deceased).
Crawford McCarthy (adopted).

MOTHER:

Evelyn Rothschild (deceased).
Cavell McCarthy (adopted).

SIBLINGS: Florence McCarthy.
EXTENDED: N/A.
PETS: N/A.

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If you ask any given teacher why they got into teaching, you’ll get one of two answers: ‘it was my calling’, or ‘I fell into it because I couldn’t think of anything better to do.’ I’m safely in that second camp. I was in my second semester at Ithaca, no more aware of what I wanted to do than I had been when I started— actually with less of an idea. Studying History didn’t leave me with a lot of obvious professional options outside of academia and museums, and so I naturally went into teaching until I could figure out what I really wanted to do. I’m still figuring that out now, a year later.

Teaching isn’t so bad. Long vacations, and it’s much easier if you pay the teenager next door to do your marking. I do get in trouble for that, as well as for the stash of alcohol in my desk, the flirting with that cute senior, the times I’m too hungover to teach and stick on a DVD instead…. but I do get on with the kids, and they respect me enough to put a little effort in, so I get by. Given the low pay and the high levels of adolescent attitude, people aren’t exactly lining up round the block to teach, and it’s that relative lack of easy replaceability that I work hard to maximise to the fullest extent. My proudest moment was probably carrying out a parent-teacher conference entirely in rhyme… my least proud moment was definitely leading a McKinley High Gangham Style Youtube video. Swings and roundabouts.





You say the word ‘orphan’ and instantly people conjure up Dickensian mental images. Tattered clothes, scarce food, sadistic social workers. But I wasn’t born in Victorian London. Funnily enough, I wasn’t born an orphan. But my parents were pretty special people - born with plenty of money and no need to work, the two had fallen in love over their joint obsession with thrill-seeking. Extreme sports were their first love, and it was mere weeks after I was born that they returned to their adventures. They died in a plane crash in the Swiss Alps. Unluckily for me they had few eligible relatives, with those capable of doing so being unwilling to take me in. Luckily for me, I was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed toddler, and as such as adopted almost as soon as I entered the system.

I grew up in a nice suburban neighbourhood, taken in by an elderly couple who had begun to regret their childlessness later in life. They also adopted a girl, younger than me and with no physical similarity whatsoever, though our shared birthday and reluctance to part from each other quickly earned us the nickname of ‘the twins’. It was a childhood of bedsheets thrown over tatty armchairs as a makeshift fort, campfires and s’mores, homemade lemonade stands. If I had any underlying about the early loss of my parents it never made itself apparent - not even to myself, which would kinda suggest that it wasn’t there. It’s hard to miss something you have no memory of having. Besides, at the point of my parents’ death I was an only child, and I’d never trade Florence’s presence in my life for theirs. Is that harsh? It’s probably harsh, but I can’t imagine life without her.

"Mr McCarthy is the kind of guy you want to hate because your girlfriend and her friends are always going on about how hot he is, but he really doesn’t give you room to hate him. If you need the grade to stay on the team, or if you’ve had a rough weekend because your kid cousin beat you on Black Ops, Mr McCarthy understands and cuts you some slack. I say this from experience. To be honest I don’t think he even does it to be popular, because he’s pretty happy to tear you a new asshole for no real reason when he’s pissy or hungover. He just doesn’t give a fuck, teaching isn’t where he wants to be and you can tell. He’s not one of those young guys with a vision - he drills the events we need to know for tests into our heads, and kinda lets everything else go. He’s cool."

^{Daniel Oliver, STUDENT}

"Charlie needs to get a grip. We’re the same age, we started out in this profession at the same time, and so I know him pretty well.. he’s lazy. Totally lacks commitment. He’s so laid back he’s practically horizontal, and to a certain extent his relaxed attitude sits well with the kids. Really, how could it not? He’s allergic to marking so he barely ever sets homework, and we all know he’d rather pull teeth than quiz the kids on the curriculum. He’s always making them act things out and taking classes out of the classroom, to the point that sometimes other members of the faculty think he’s some sort of maverick. The truth is he’s improvising, because the man’s never so much as glanced at a lesson plan, nevermind written one. I’m all for alternative means of teaching, but I don’t think what he does qualifies. I like Charlie - it’s hard not to - but charm alone won’t keep him in this job much longer."

^{Christina Dane, COLLEAGUE}

"Charlie! Best man at my wedding, best man in my life. He’s the only guy I’d share Skittles with as a kid, and that I did speaks volumes to the strength of my character, as well as my respect for him. I’ve known him all my life and his, and he’s one nice guy. Non-confrontational, but at the same time you know he’d have your back, right? Never any drama with Charlie. Amicable break ups, plenty of friends, just a nice guy. Only remarkable thing about him is his sister. It’s totally obvious that they aren’t related - he looks like a fucking Nazi wet dream, and she looks like an expensive prostitute. The kind politicians use, y’know? Exotic. But yeah, they’re inseparable. I’ve seen him dust out of the best fucking party super early, just because she has cramps or some shit and doesn’t want to be there. Everything, everywhere, they’re together. They have exactly the same taste in food, she wears his clothes, he rescues her from bad dates on the regular. Maybe it’s an adopted thing, but they’re pretty dependent on each other. He practically held a nail gun to my head the one time I dared say she was hot."

^{Freddie Caines, BEST FRIEND}

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CLASS SCHEDULE

To: Charles McCarthy <[e-mail]>
From: Catherine Govney <[e-mail]>

Hello Charlie,

Further to our conversation this morning, please respond attaching your class schedule for next week for me to approve.

Kindest Regards,

Catherine

RE: CLASS SCHEDULE

To: Catherine Govney <[e-mail]>
From: Charles McCarthy <[e-mail]>

Hi Cath,

No probs. Please find attached.

Best,

Charlie

RE:RE: CLASS SCHEDULE

To: Catherine Govney <[e-mail]>
From: Charles McCarthy <[e-mail]>

... There was no attachment. Please resend ASAP.

Kind Regards,

Catherine

RE:RE:RE: CLASS SCHEDULE

To: Catherine Govney <[e-mail]>
From: Charles McCarthy <[e-mail]>

Hi Cathy,

Apologies, my bad! I'm also sorry that this is a couple days late, I've had some IT issues as my sisters' dogs have done their business on my laptop, thus causing me many a headache. I have a suspicion that she made them do so intentionally as she's been complaining about how much work I've been putting into my class schedule whilst at home.

I have also been unable to connect to the school's intranet after a student had the unbelievable gall to hack my account and look up porn on school property, thus getting me locked out of the server.

I also apologize for the fact that this only covers Monday and Tuesday - as I hope you can appreciate, I do prefer to handwrite things to avoid the possibility of files getting deleted electronically, and unfortunately I have misplaced Wednesday through Friday. I will send this to you as soon as I find it.

Do let me know if you have any changes that you would like to make.

Best,

Charlie

File Attached:

RE:RE:RE:RE: CLASS SCHEDULE

To: Catherine Govney <[e-mail]>
From: Charles McCarthy <[e-mail]>

THIS MESSAGE WAS SENT WITH HIGH IMPORTANCE

Charles,

I will require a full and proper lesson plan for each individual class next week, and I expect this by first thing tomorrow at the absolute latest. These lesson plans must include a formal lesson title, a lesson objective, means of reaching the objective, and a means of determining the success of this class in relation to reaching its objective. It must also include plans for homework, when this homework will be due by and when the students can expect to receive a marked version back.

Failure to produce such a document by 9am tomorrow morning will result in disciplinary action and could result in the termination of your position.

Please do not hesitate to get in touch should I have failed to make myself abundantly clear.

Regards,

Catherine Govney
Principal, McKinley High School

RE:RE:RE:RE:RE: CLASS SCHEDULE

To: Catherine Govney <[e-mail]>
From: Charles McCarthy <[e-mail]>

C,

... Roger that.

Charles McCarthy
History Teacher, McKinley High School

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ALIAS: lex.
AGE: 22.
PLAY-BY: liam.
MEMBER GROUP: NY.
INSPIRATION: no.