. show off

[lily mccarthy]

"I felt like I had to," Lily snips back, glass trembling in her hands as they finally hashed something out. It's as soothing as it is terrifying, wincing as her own actions are clearly brought to the surface before her. The picture it paints isn't pretty, but in the end neither had played this well. Been clear with an intended outcome, expecting something, only to watch it singe and burst into flames. "Because I slept with a guy and the next day you iced me out. Because I never knew what you were thinking, and I could justify you loving me as much as you hating me. Because I couldn't get answers from you, so why not assume the worst? I didn't want you out of my life, but neither of us were acknowledging what that fake relationship was doing to us." Her eyes drop from his as her reflection pools in her wine glass, tucking the hair behind her ear, blaming the impending buzz for her brash actions and quick tonge. "Because as much as it did for my publicity...our publicity...it stopped feeling entirely platonic a while ago. And I think we both know that."

[isaac mcavoy]

Zac can see that this isn't easy for her and his defensiveness softens. Listening to what she's saying, the knife that she had inserted in his stomach is twisting, discomfort making his shoulders rise ever so slightly. But there's relief too, that he isn't the only one tying himself up in knots over this, that he didn't imagine all the loaded silences and lingering glances. "You can't have ever thought that I hated you," he says, his palms open and facing her as he implores her to see sense.  He wants to ask what the fake relationship was doing her but her final sentence stops him dead. Swallowing thickly, he wonders how best to respond, his brain going a million miles an hour as he tries to process what she's saying in the first instance, unable to know where to begin in answering. Just as he opens his mouth to respond the alarm on his phone blares. "Dinner's ready." He turns from her, busying himself with oven gloves and opening the oven door, a plume of garlicky steam enveloping them. As he puts it down, he turns back to her. "Can we eat? I just need a minute to think."

[lily mccarthy]

"It didn't seem like you liked me very much," she murmurs, softening at the openness of his stance. She can't pinpoint the myriad of emotions that whirl through her, teetering on an edge they'd be unable to back away from once they tipped one way or another. Falling or not, at least she'd find solace in getting some answers, even if she was pushing him to the brink. Is this even fair? The thought drifts through her mind one too many times to ignore it, but for once she thought she deserved to be selfish. Because in the grand scheme of things it wasn't good for either of them. Cataloging the pinch of his brow and the calculation in his eyes, as if he was sorting through the right thing to say, Lily knew that whatever they'd agreed to had led to this moment. Dancing around one another, her foot graceless in its formation, catapulting them out of sync. She turns her head sharply to the side when the alarm goes off, momentum deflating in the simmering air. "Yeah," she agrees, though she's suddenly lost her appetite. "Can I help with anything?"

[isaac mcavoy]

Not waiting for a confirmation, he sets about plating up. "No, no, you go outside. I've set the table." He hadn't just set the table, he'd lit candles, left out mosquito spray, managed to move a few of Joe's smaller house plants onto the table and arranged them in a way that was semi aesthetically pleasing in a very rustic way. He'd tried. Though when he'd finished and stood back to survey his handiwork, he had been struck by the thought that all of this was only going to muddle things further. But he had left it, and now he was glad he wouldn't see her reaction when she saw it. With very little artfulness he plates up creamy mashed potatoes with kale strewn through the velvety mix, carving the chicken and laying thick slices across the potato. He's relieved that it still looks juicy. Finally he adds some tenderstem broccoli to the plates, pouring a moat of buttery, tarragon-heavy sauce around the neat little piles.  He takes the food out to the breezy New Mexico evening, placing the plates down on their respective placemats. "I'm no Gordon Ramsay," he warns, though she knows this, as she knows so much about him. The whole time he'd been repeating her words over to himself in his head, chanting them, processing them, carefully turning them over as he decided what to do with them. When he finally sits across her and clinks his glass with hers, his full of kombucha as promised, hers with fresh wine, he's resolved that there was not much point in lying now. "I've thought about it," he says, starting to cut into his food, piling up a little slice of each component on his fork. He eats the bite, chewing carefully. Without looking up, he speaks again, matter of factly. "It's pretty obvious, to me at least, that I'm in love with you."

[lily mccarthy]

"It's pretty obvious, to me at least, that I'm in love with you." Holy shit. Lily's fork hangs in midair, trying to catch his eyes that are steadfastly downcast. Her heart lodges itself in her throat, mind going haywire because she'd never expected something so direct. Had she just wanted the confession, confirmation for her peace of mind? Had she wanted a chance, the ability to be something more? Had she wanted an ultimatum, something easy to turn down? Gently she places her fork back down, gaze drifting to the balmy New Mexico landscape as she wondered how much she'd overthink this all. So she chooses not to. Throws caution to the wind, future possibilities be damned. One night, one moment, one chance. Quietly, Lily opens the palm still sitting on the table, vulnerable and inviting. "Me too," she finally voices, refusing to dig further on how she defined it. Because she did love him, if she thought about it simply. And it had to stay simple, because her hand was already trembling and her heart was racing so hard it hurt and this moment was going to change them irrevocably whether they wanted it to or not. "I’m scared of what that means for us."

[isaac mcavoy]

After he'd said it the panic sets in. The words hang in the air between them and he wants to fork each one, scooping them back into his mouth so he can swallow them down and they can go on as they always have. Finally he looks up at Lily and she looks like she's been tased. She breaks their gaze and his heartbeat quickens, he starts bracing himself for a rejection that he is certain is about to fall from those perfect lips of hers. He feels bad but mostly for her, knowing that letting people down wasn't something she was at all naturally inclined to do.  Don't worry Lils, please don't feel bad. I'll get over it. He's ready to say all of the above, to reach out and give her shoulder a gentle, reassuring squeeze. His protectiveness of her shone through any other emotion he might have had for, something he was determined to maintain.  But that's not what comes. It's his turn to freeze, his mind now turning over those two little words. Me too. He doesn't know what to feel, relief and surprise flooding through him though his stomach is still tied in knots. "It doesn't have to mean anything." He reaches across and takes her hand, giving it a tight squeeze. It sounds like a typical Isaac denial, but he looks at her properly, trying to convey his sincerity. "Really, it doesn't. We don't have to act on it, we don't have to tell anyone, we can make a decision to carry on as we always have."

[lily mccarthy]

She wishes it was all a little more cathartic. That grand expressions went exactly like the movies portrayed, tied up all the loose ends and made the world all hazy and sweet. But she'd been burned one too many times to understand that reality existed on an entirely different plane, and that this confession wasn't simple, or an answer to everything they were looking for. She was acutely aware of a few things but simultaneously felt terrified, shoulders locked tight and fingers threading their way through his to ground herself. "I know, I know," she rushes out, eyes finding his in their panic. She doesn't regret saying it, even more settled in her decision once she finds his gaze so steadfast. But it’s not the answer to it all. A deep breath shudders through her lithe system, imperceptibly blinking back forming tears. "I just...know a few things. I can't lose you right now, and there's...a lot, about this, that could force that. And I'll think about all of those little scenarios, because that's who I am." She can't tell if it's the unease or relief of something so heavy coming off her lungs, but a sharp laugh breaks through her lips. "I can't believe we did that."

[isaac mcavoy]

It's not lost on Isaac what an inappropriate setting this is for him to offload this information. He should have been able to anticipate this inevitability, and he should have chosen one of the closing nights to confess. Maybe thrown in a fancy dinner, a bottle of wine that hadn't already been opened... her own brother's place was not particularly proper venue, but then he had truly not anticipated this possibility. Her unravelling is visible and it makes him want to laugh, though he resists. "Lily," he says, trying to capture her attention through the panic, "relax. It's nice to be loved, isn't it? You don't need to freak out." He's not entirely convinced she feels the same intensity as he feels, but he's grateful not to be shot down so he doesn't challenge it, not yet. He lets her hand go, returning to his meal and eating quite cheerfully. "It's kind of inevitable, isn't it? People always said I would be in love with Joe if I wasn't so aggressively straight, maybe this is the closest I'll ever get."

[lily mccarthy]

It's nice to be loved, isn't it? Yes, it probably should feel nice. Not like her system's going into shock, words all but an echo in her ears. Lily's not even certain why this is her body's innate reaction to something that's supposed to be sweet, supposed to be nice. Even his words, though comforting, do little to quell her panic. The magnitude of her choice, their choices, spilled out across the barren landscape she finally came to remember as her brother's house, and the irony in that recognition was like a cold splash of water against her skin. Of all places! Lily stifles another laugh, one less manic, wine tipped back into her palms until she felt them settle and still. Finally able to breathe, roll her eyes at his mention of her brother, driving it all home again. "Well, I'm the ultimate cliche. Brother's best friend, always off limits. We're the plot of every romance novel out there," Lily quips back, settled enough to pick her fork back up and continue eating. She offers her compliments before staring at him for a few more seconds, sly smile creeping onto her face. "So we love each other. Huh. Simple as that."

[isaac mcavoy]

"It's a shame you weren't more original, actually. Wouldn't it have been less cliche if you were a lesbian, or better yet, ugly?" Words are spilling from Isaac's mouth and it's pretty obvious he's talking without thinking. The original confession had spilled out of him before he'd had time to fully consider the impact, and he's playing catch up now, eating as a means of buying time whilst he tries to formulate a plan.They eat in silence for a while, before Zac leans back, one bushy eyebrow quirked as he considered her carefully.  "We always loved each other. I'm saying I'm in love with you," he repeats, painfully aware of the gulf between the two statements. He had never doubted that Lily loved him, she showed that every day. But being in love was a completely different thing, something he had only ever experienced once before, with Chloe. But did it really count when it was a first love? Youth had made him naive and reckless, and she had been there when his father died, which had caused him to form a trauma bond. Whatever the case, it didn't feel like this.  "If you feel the same way, say it. Don't if you don't."

[lily mccarthy]

"Why is it me that has to change?" Lily questions, raising one of her brows to the best of her ability. Countless different scenarios wouldn't have led them here, years down the road and scrambling back from the knife edge she'd placed them upon. Their midnight calls, their shameless tour press, that voicemail...god, she should have known it all along. She'd chosen him before, and though she was steadfast in her reasoning back then it had slowly started to waver after such close proximity. It's why she knows her next words are so important, now. The clarity that she'd demanded, suddenly thrown back on her. If she set value to everything, it was bad news. Her brother, the biggest obstacle. His history of infidelity, something that had affected her so deeply in the past. When she knew she'd been in love, as youthful and egregious as it became. Their issues with trust - it all screamed run. But then she weighed his unwavering support during her tour, the close bond they'd only seemed to deepen, the late nights when they weren't talking that felt so empty. His honest confession now. Lily rests her elbows on the table, chin set on the hands she folds over one another, gaze wary but warm. "I know I love you. I think I've been falling in love with you. Does that...is that ok?"

[isaac mcavoy]

Zac gives her an 'are you crazy?' look, before replying with as straight a face as he can muster. "Because Joey and I are the main characters, obviously." His plate his finally cleared and he takes a long sip of his kombucha, wishing he could pull a Jesus and turn it into wine. Being vulnerable was not something he was used to, having spent most of his life avoiding it whether that was through the premature ending of friendships, his penchant for dating younger women, or by being blackout wasted. But he was Isaac 2.0 now, and he owed it to himself to follow through on the conversation. Though what she says next isn't what he wants to hear. He takes a deep inhale, holding it for a few seconds before he exhales, trying to expel the tension that's built up between his shoulders since she spoke. It wasn't fair of him to expect anything else. His lack of loyalty, his inability to stay sober, these weren't easy things to overcome. Actually, she shouldn't overcome them. "Maybe you should try not to." Hearing himself, he cringes. "I don't mean to be a martyr. It would just be better if you didn't, wouldn't it?"

[lily mccarthy]

Lily's eyes widen, stretching to match the incredulous look he'd managed to pull. "What are you looking at where the main characters aren't the love interests? You two really should just marry each other." The joke doesn't fully hit, Lily cringing as she realizes they're actually having a conversation about them. Their future, as much as they're trying to avoid looking that far ahead. The last of her wine disappears down her throat at the thought, buzz heady but sweet in the midst of this conversation. Funny, that at so many points in their lives the situation would have been reversed, sobriety such a touchy but consistent topic in their lives. It's why she's not surprised as his features shift, withdraw; Zac had always been the first person to count himself out of a situation, no matter how fleeting or important. "It would, but that's not always how it works, is it?" Lily asks, staring at the tiny tattoo on his hand she'd never asked about. Always something new to learn between them, conversations never too long or meaningless. "Did you try not to, with me?"

[isaac mcavoy]

The situation isn't playing out the way Nora Ephron would have it, but for some reason he can't stop the crooked grin that's crossed his face. Propping his chin up on one hand, he considers her, watching her with an intensity he rarely bothered with when it came to anyone else. "Maybe we should." He's distracted by her, by the way the corners of her lips turn upward, by the way she tucks her hair behind her ear. It's all he can do not to laugh. How obvious his love was now, how stupid he had been to take this long for his head to catch up with his heart. "You've never been one to take the easy road." He takes her plate and places it on top of his own, making a mental note to resist the urge to refill her glass. There was a risk he was living vicariously through her, using her as a proxy for every time he wanted to drink... she'd be passed out before long. Instead he produces a cigarette from the pocket of his Thom Browne burgundy sweatpants, lighting up and looking out at the red desert beyond. It feels good to be being honest. "If I'd known I was I would have tried to resist. But you know me, resisting temptation isn't my strong suit."

[lily mccarthy]

"I'll be the flower girl," she supplies, slipping back into the ease they often shared with one another. Light when it needed to be, serious when it had to be; the shifts had always happened so naturally they'd barely taken stock in what they said. Aside from now, where even with their lighthearted jokes something deeper stirred in the undercurrents. The haze of the wine could coat it for a while, propelling the confidence and thick honesty she'd been too nervous to explore. "I'm going to say something crazy, don't freak out," Lily rattles off, eyes darting to the clatter the plates make before finding him again. Tracking his movements once again, the ease with which he withdraws a cigarette from his pocket. So different from the sharp chaos when he was using, or the languid despondence when he was withdrawing. Now it was just him, here, being truthful with an intention she knows he means; her heart glows in her chest at the though, spiraling until her lips burst back into a smile. "First, do you have another one? Second...ok, this sounds silly, and I'm not trying to make it sound like an invitation. But how do you know you're in love with me when we've never like..physically done anything?"