. last flowers

[Deleted]

"We'll have to follow each other on Instagram," she laughs, knowing it takes up half of her feed from the last year. It seems like a gentle enough middle ground, unsure if she owes him an explanation when the break had been so final, so silent. Briefly, she wonders if he ever thought how much it would hurt her too, though in the face of grief she didn't think that far until he was gone. She also wonders how to tell Jake this has happened, shifting in her seat and catching a stray piece of hair in her fingers to twist nervously. "It was fun, actually. Nursing school was tough but we were all goin' through it - nice to have people to commiserate with after studying for hours." She rolls her eyes at the long nights, not too different from the night shifts she gave herself before switching to days. It seems like a daydream compared to Theo's descriptions though, offering a smile at both him and the server before thanking him for the order. "Yeah, about twenty minutes north of the hospital. No idea what area or neighborhood that puts me in, but seems kind of suburban? Pretty quiet, lots of shops with organic stuff. Just...convenient here, too. Don't have to drive miles and miles for specific things - it's a lot of change."

[theo lovett]

"Sure kid, what's your handle?" As if he hadn't stalked it as soon as Alli had broken the news. He swipes open his phone, being sure to hold it at an angle towards himself in case his recent Instagram searches would prove embarrassing. Sure enough: @dollytherealgirl is the first result when he taps the search bar - what an ex extravaganza. "Is it Stella Dunn or have you updated it? You're honestly the only married person I know, you'll have to bear with me as I get my head around it all." This was dangerous, he knew. Opening up a portal for himself to stare into a life that could have been his, should have been his, if it hadn't been for one asshole's choice to drink and drive. Bitterness was such a novel feeling for Theo, and one he did not want to become too acquainted with. "You always were an overachiever!" On more neutral ground, it's easier to conjure up genuine pleasure at her success. "That's good to hear, this can be a pretty dicey city if you're in the wrong spot. Promise me you'll call if you ever need anything, ok? I keep crazy hours so honestly any time, and I'll introduce you to my friends, we can show you the ropes." He runs a hand through his hair, relieved to find it has dried out for the most part. "We're in Koreatown... well, a couple of us still are. I've got a spare room too, so seriously, anything you need, let me know."

l 

[Deleted]

"Still pretty fresh for me too, even if it's already been a year now. It's Stella Dunn Palmetto," she recites, inviting him into the publicity of her current life. Curious to see what he deigned to share on his as well, reflexively clicking the 'follow back' button when it appeared and scrolling through everything she'd missed. "Are you seeing someone?" She asks curiously, flipping her phone to display the dark haired girl that seemed to permeate his feed. As if it was Pandora's box, not a natural progression of years and growing up without one another. There wasn't room for jealousy, too much space to fill within their reunion. So she takes to the lofty questions, nodding along to his offer because she knows it's an honest one. Theo'd always been the first one to volunteer to help out no matter the request growing up; it was sweet to see he hadn't changed in that aspect. "I'd love all of that, honestly. One thing they don't always tell you about the program is how lonely it gets. I was in Oregon before this and it was a lot like Alaska, but without all my people. So that got kinda rough for a little while." Her eyes drop back down to the menu, wavering between an appetite and the stirring nerves in her stomach. "What's it been like, living here? It's so different."

[theo lovett]

He taps the name into his phone, relieved when she pops up before he has to type Palmetto. He hits the follow button, though resists the urge to scroll down, leaving his phone on the table to fade to black. That was something he could obsessively pour over in the privacy of his own home, hopefully buzzed and maybe with Cleo to help him dissect every shot. Stella asks a question and he furrows his brow, his mind going to Dolly though the second she shows her phone he smiles. "No, that's Elyse. She's my roommate. She works at the same hospital as you actually, I'll have to intro you guys." The drinks emerge and he clinks his glass with hers. "I was seeing someone but it didn't work out." As she speaks his heart hurts, hating the idea of her being lonely in an unfamiliar space. "Well know you can always call me," he reiterates, wanting her to know it was true without pushing the point too much. "Ah, it's been great. I was in San Diego at first, so LA wasn't as much of a shock to me as it probably is to you. Helps having a tight group of friends, and obviously I moved here with Ollie, so I've never done it alone. It's really impressive, you know. Brave of you."

l 

[Deleted]

It's strange, to see the course of someone growing up in a space that wasn't physical. His chosen moments, ones she'd be sure to flurry through after one too many cocktails, seeing the changes and growth over time. Images of their own history existed on relics of old social media profiles, or the hard drives still tucked in her desk at home. Briefly, Stella has the urge to text her mother to dig one up, instead straightening her shoulders before twisting her phone back around. "Bunch of saviors in that apartment, huh?" She starts, before her expression drops at his confession. "Sorry to hear that." God, what else is there to say in that moment? It feels awkward to console him and even more improper not to, choosing to waver in the stretching silence until the waiter thankfully swoops in. Stella orders the first two appetizers that look appealing to her, a hefty swig of her drink forcing her to carry on. "It's a big leap, for sure - but I'm usually in the hospital so much anyway, sometimes I forget where I am. LA's a little different, but a 12 hour shift feels the same anywhere, really." Stella shrugs, then smiles at the compliment, swinging her feet underneath the table. "Tell me about your friends?"

[theo lovett]

Watching her finger glide down her screen, Theo feels suddenly and uncharacteristically self conscious. It was a long running gag between his friends that all he posted was gym selfies, and whilst he was proud of his progress, seeing it fresh through Stella's eyes made him cringe. He wished he had posted more of what he'd like her to know about; karaoke Fridays, or lawn picnics at Dolly's insane property. He's sure it looks very LA to her, and he doesn't want her to think he's changed, not if it's a change into a more vapid person. "I'm not very good at posting." Watching her face as she reacts to his news, he feels a twinge of disappointment. He knew his dating Dolly was news back home, his aunt had told him what effective kindling the relationship been for sparking a wildfire of gossip, but it looked like it hadn't got to Stella. It's not surprising, she hadn't been much of a gossip when they were kids, but still. He took it as confirmation that she truly hadn't been keeping tabs on him, and though he'd hardly been an obsessive stalker himself, he feels illegitimately disappointed. Though he smiles as he orders the steak, nodding along with what she's saying. "I believe it." He's not talking as much as he usually does, spending more time turning words over before he shares them, wanting to leave a positive impression. She asks a question that makes it easy to, his smile broadening and his shoulders easing as he replies. "Oh they're great, really great. There's Ollie, obviously, we lived with Elyse... she's a nurse, same hospital, like I said. Ollie moved out so it's just the two of us now, we actually need a new third, if you know anyone! But yeah, Ellie's great, sweet girl. LA born and raised so she showed me the ropes when I moved to town. Then down the hall is Lily and Cleo... Lily's busy a lot lately, but you'll never meet a warmer person, and she's so smart. Crazy talented. Cleo's basically girl me, maybe more dramatic. She's from Anchorage too! But she works late in a restaurant so we probably hang out the most, especially since I've been single. She's been keeping me from moping too much." He finally takes a breath, leaning back in his seat, taking a gulp from his drink. "How about you, though? Still see the old crew?"

l 

[Deleted]

She wants to pry, be nosy and ask about his ex and what happened, but the space between them was as vast as it was narrow. It wasn't her place, and she'd always felt comfortable in knowing where she could stand and where she could leap. Steadfastly above the gossip of high school, at some points required after she got together with Jake, she'd never been one to give in to those types of conversations. It kept her out of the loop at times, aloof in the circle of popular kids, but it gave her the time and space to accept those that seemed genuine enough to keep her up to date without being cruel. Her thumb flicks as she double taps a photo, unafraid that it's from weeks and weeks ago. "No real way to be 'good' at it, anyway." Little air quotes bend her slender fingers, smile eventually mirroring his as he speaks about his friends with genuine affection. The same kind that shined on her for so long, skin warming in the memory. "Did we know Cleo at all?" Stella questions, tipping her eyes up to the skyline to skim her close memory of the town. It was bigger than most though, unsure if the middle schools even blended into the same high school anymore as the population grew. When her gaze floats down his drops with the mention of the break up, her instincts desperate to ask more but choosing to settle into his question instead. "A lot of the same, yeah. Jake's kept that core group of guys, still play pick up hockey games on the weekend if he's in town. Brooks and Penny finally got together, Faith moved away, Dree got really into importing matcha and now owns a shop there. Nina's same ol' same ol'." The breath catches before her next phrase, steeling for his reaction. "I'm sure everyone would love to see you, if you ever felt up to visiting."

[theo lovett]

The evening is so warm, it's settling around them like a blanket. Being in California still felt like a vacation to Theo even after so many years, maybe because Alaska had become a more foreign place to him when his parents had died. But Stella threw that off, or actually, heightened that feeling - sat here, a slight buzz settling in on his empty stomach, it was easy to imagine they were on vacation here together, having never split at all. She says there's no way to be good at posting but he doesn't believe her. Stella did everything with an authenticity that was as endearing as it was undeniable, and Theo knew from experience that her Instagram was brimming with thoughtful insights into her life that were glossy without being showy. At least not intentionally. "I met her in hospital, but only briefly," he says, noting how much his heart swells at her use of 'we' to mean them, Stella and Theo, a combination he hadn't allowed himself to think about for years. It was easy to think of Anchorage as some hicksville small town when you were in LA, but in truth, it was actually more insane that he had met Cleo in the city of two hundred and eighty thousand people. It's an intentional decision to not mention Lily's surname too, not wanting to flex his life too much, though he was immensely proud to call her his friend. All would come out eventually. The download about his old friends is bittersweet, the idea of them playing hockey without him providing the bitter whilst the other updates are sweet enough to distract him. "Importing matcha? No fucking way," he says, laughing. "Good for Brooks and Penny though. Destined for each other, how many times did we say it?" Her next comment hits him hard, and he's visibly sheepish. "I go back sometimes, but Alli lives on the other side of town, and I assumed everyone just kind of... did their own thing."

l 

[Deleted]

"Really? Small world - even smaller that there's so many hospital ties," she murmurs, glossing over the slip of her tongue. It wasn't hard to slip back into some semblance of the past, so authentically compatible from day one that it's been all these years and it could have been yesterday they were together. If things had been different she knew they would have been, a fact she isn't sure she should be steadfast or guilty about. Especially with Jake, who she did love with all her heart. Over time, Theo had become less and less a topic of conversation. Their friend group would still bring it up at times though, eyes brightening as she laughs through her explanation, nodding her head to their childhood friend's rash tendencies. "To be fair, the teens are loving it. Very trendy but..." she looks left to right, as if she'll offend those around her. "I kinda think it tastes like dirt." Her excitement flickers at his stilted response, caught between the curiosities of the friends of his she may meet here, and the ones back home that wondered at times where he'd gone. It tampers even more when she realizes he's been around, making an effort to not see the other part of his family that still existed in Alaska. "Well, next time let us know. We'd all love to see you, really." Stella drops her gaze to her lap, absentmindedly folding the napkin in her fingers to busy her hands. "Dree may have bad taste in drinks, but she throws a mean dinner party. Give her an excuse and she'll be ordering decor before you can blink."

[theo lovett]

An involuntary eyebrow tilt at her saying it was a small world. That had been exactly the words he had used when his aunt had told him about Stella and Jake's wedding, after she had jokingly braced him for the news with a common meme format at the time - "Are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?" It turned out that he hadn't been, and if he was being honest, that was the second he had subconsciously decided he wasn't going to search his old gang out. She leans in conspiratorially and his heart soars, her little button nose scrunching as she confesses her distaste. "You are so right," he says, laughing, his heart hurting with this glimpse of the girl he remembered so clearly. It had always been conspiratorial between the two of them, and she had always been so cute it was almost infuriating. He can still read her. Though she's polite and fundamentally sweet natured, he can tell he's said something that disappoints her. "I will." It feels ridiculous now not to have visited at all, guilt making him more candid in an attempt to bring her back around. "Honestly? I was more badly impacted than I thought, and..." it's hard to admit this, though usually confessions came easily to him and it was secrets he had a bad time holding in. "I felt a little bit replaced." The waiter brings food over and he thanks him, ordering another round of drinks to boot. It gives him a few seconds to reformulate his thoughts, and he reaches across to give her arm a squeeze. "I was an idiot, I'm sorry! Please don't think I was mad at you or anything, I really wasn't, it was all in my head. And my head wasn't right, obviously."

l 

[Deleted]

That was the thing about young love - that's what it was. Young. They knew each other so steadfastly because they didn't know it could hurt otherwise. Too trusting to know what it was like to be betrayed, too expressive because they weren't taught to stay guarded. Under those long Alaskan suns they'd found that silly, unfiltered type of love that tilted into their drinks in Los Angeles, the giddy laughs that raced between her brash confession and his honest agreement. Until he'd left, she'd never really felt alone. Then, for a while, it was all she felt. It's hard, then, when he murmurs the truth seconds later. Replaced. Stella has enough within her to avoid flinching, or reaching out for him. It was what everyone said over time, about her and Jake. He'd slotted in too easily, fit the same mold...but it was different. They had something different, thought echoing round in her head as her gaze traces the cocktail rim. "It's ok - we all did the best we could. But we always saved a spot for you, just in case." She steadies her gaze before looking to him, trying to convey the honesty she knew not only her, but their friends, felt. He would always be welcomed back if he wanted it; the pain just started to ebb, over time. Stella's gaze flickers briefly over to the waiter, offering a polite thanks before placing her palm over his grasp. "Don't be sorry, Theo. We all understood...understand, even. You needed your time, and your family, and we gave you that. Doesn't mean we'd love you any less if you never showed up again - it is nice to see you though, all the same."

[theo lovett]

Hacking off a huge chunk of steak, Theo takes the time allowed to him by chewing to think over what she's said. Looking at her is such a trip; her same familiar features, reconfigured ever so slightly by age. Still every bit the girl next door, but her innocence had matured to a kind of demureness, a slight chiseling of her cheeks that accentuated the beauty she had always had. It was easy to look back and wonder if she was as pretty as he remembered her being, knowing nostalgia could be the most flattering of lights, but seeing her, he'd actually underestimated it. She was a knockout.  Polite, too. His parents had loved that about her, and so had he, but her reluctance to engage in gossip had sometimes felt reserved, almost stiff. He gets a sense of that now, ever so slightly frustrated that she's not meeting his confession with one of her own, or maybe even just telling him to get over himself... She's being honest, but politely so, and he feels something he'd forgotten he used to feel: he has no idea what's really going on in her head. Was it really okay that he didn't visit them at all? Of course they'd say it was, but he knows some of them would give him shit for it once they'd eased in. "You've always been so forgiving," he says, hoping it sounds like a compliment.  "It's nice to see you too. I'll do the rounds next time, promise." Usually Theo was a stream-of-consciousness conversationalist, verbalising every little thought that came to mind, especially when he was excited. But he's unusually quiet, guilt stealing this enthusiasm away. They had been such a close group and he was stupid to let it go, to get so distracted by the bright lights and the big city. As much as he loved LA and loved his friends here, he had to admit that LA was actually a pretty hostile place beyond that safety net. It was a fast moving city and if you lost your footing not many people would stop to pick you up. "I'm kinda worried about you here, y'know. It can be rough. Do you know how long you'll stay?"

l 

[Deleted]

Stella had always wondered what she'd say, if she ever saw Theo again. After wading through the feelings of loss, of sadness, of anger of guilt...everything she'd known had mellowed out. Even now, feeling the pang of his flattened compliment, all she could do was wrinkle her nose, a slight frown to her lips. He'd been out of her life for over 8 years - did he expect to be berated for something she'd put behind her? She flicks her eyes to her wedding band, murmuring "I don't know what else you'd expect me to say. Your parents died...holding anything against someone in how their life changes after something like that is just poor form." It wouldn't be right of her to say she'd been angry with him, to rub salt in the wounds she knew would never heal quite correctly. Much like patients he'd dealt with, or little lives going through unimaginable surgeries, the scars would always be there to pick at. They just faded a little better if you didn't. Stella offers a smile at his promise, wondering the sincerity for the first time in her life. A lot had changed, after all - she could clock it in the way his features had hollowed out, the way Theo carried himself, youth and maturity coexisting in these years of their 20's. It was fascinating how different their places could be right now even, scooping up a clam she'd ordered as she contemplated his question. "Three month contract right now, option to extend another three if everything goes well. Sounds like I just got lucky to run into you, then...though I can hold my own pretty well. Parker said I'm on my 'independent streak', whatever that means," she grouses, rolling her eyes. "Just thought it would be nice to see a few more things before Jake gets deployed, or kids or whatnot."

[theo lovett]

After he's said it he realizes what a stupid thing it was to say. You've always been so forgiving. What did he know about her, really? His experience of her was of a small town teenager with limited life experience, and that was coming from someone who was in the exact same boat. What did he have in common with his teenage self? "And we were kids," he adds, voicing his thoughts. The dead parents card was one he had hated playing and had never intentionally used to his advantage, no matter how tempting it had been. But he supposed to Stella he was still the boy whose parents' had died, that version of himself suspended in amber the day he left, not by his leaving but by his refusal to visit.  He finishes his first drink as his second is placed in front of him. "Well Parker's a tough critic so there must be something to that." Three months that could become six... independent streak... there's a thrill buried in what she's saying that Theo can't help but want to dig at, though he knows it's wrong. Who got married and immediately upped and left their husband for months at a time? Spurred on by the potential for martial strife and deciding not to let himself dwell on the fact she even alluded to the idea of kids, Theo's mood is lifted and he's back to his enthusiastic self. "Sounds smart to me, I only ever meant to be here for like six months myself but here we are... Are you working tomorrow? Wanna go to Erewhon? Maybe drive down to Malibu?"

[Deleted]

"And we were kids," she echoes, smile solemn as she squeezes his arm again. That was all she knew of him, aside from the sweeping updates they'd gleaned at this wild reunion. The boy who'd been wrenched from her clutches, a true love of her life. Stella refused to discern if he was the love of her life, too many variables there for the simple way she'd settled. Settled. Internally she winces at the word, shifting to look out at the views so he can't read her internal debate. She was happy, she was doing what she wanted right now, she had a bright future ahead. The mantra echoed in head enough times to quell the churning doubts, schooling her expression before turning back to her second drink. "He's an older brother, I think it's in the manual," Stella eventually laughs, sipping again before taking a few moments to eat. She forgets sometimes, in the hospital. The long hours and sometimes high energy, falling into bed only to wake up the next morning realizing she'd skipped dinner. She eagerly pops a slider into her mouth, hand coming to cover when it dawns on her that was way too big of a bite and flicking one finger up at him to wait as she eventually swallowed. "My eyes were way too big for my mouth there," she admits, while also having contemplated his question. "Off for the next two days...spending $150 for 6 items and driving down to the beach doesn't sound bad at all...I got that right, right? Expensive grocery store and coastline?"