freddie:

[freddie beaumont]

FREDERICK JAMES

"I CAN BE QUITE SARCASTIC WHEN I'M IN THE MOOD"


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[freddie beaumont]

A DREADED WAKE UP CALL. 10 missed calls from Mother. 5 missed calls from Fave Sister. 3 missed calls from Unknown Number. It's a series of vibrations that stirs me from a deep sleep. The surrounding room is dark and my eyes burn as they slowly begin to open. It's safe to say I'm still catching up on sleep from the weekend prior in Vegas. The burning of my eyes makes me realize I must not have been asleep for very long. The phone on the bedside table illuminates the room softly with a dimmed light. I pick up the phone, briefly remembering that the vibrating sound of it was what woke me. The screen reads 4:24AM and upon the notifications are dozens of missed calls and text messages. Before I'm able to read a single one, the device buzzes inside the palm of my hand. Incoming call from Mother Pressing the green button, I place the phone to my ear. I'm not even able to get a word in before my mother begins to speak. The words come out so fast that I almost barely understand her. "Oh Freddie, you've picked up. Thank god. Your sister and I have been trying to reach you...we've just gotten in the car, we're heading to Mount Sinai." "What's going on, mom?"  "I'm sorry to wake you up, but it's your father. The paramedics are certain he's having a heart attack. An ambulance took him to the hospital, they left ten minutes ago. We've been trying to collect ourselves...I'm just..." "It's okay mom. I'm here. I'm so sorry. I'm getting dressed but I'm on my way. I'll meet you guys there, okay?" "Darling, I'm so scared... But okay, I'll see you soon."  I hear the the nerves and emotion in my mother's voice. She sounds like she's been crying, as she sniffled every other sentence. She hangs up and my lights are on immediately. Shuffling out of bed, I throw on things that are closest to me. Not a care in the world on if it matches or if it's remotely clean. I knew my father's routine pretty well now considering we were coworkers. He would get up at 3:30 every morning and go to the gym for an hour. He must have woken up like normal and felt off. Thousands of images and thoughts are running through my mind. Was he going to be okay? He has been stressed with work. What could I have done to help? Maybe I shouldn't have taken off to Vegas, did that add more stress? Selfishly, I also think about what this holds for future me. Was my father going to step down? Does this mean that I have to step into a role I'm not even sure if I'm meant for? Panic rises in my throat as I'm putting the last bit of clothing (shoes) on. My phone was thrown in the chaos of me scrambling around, so I'm searching for it now. It was shuffled somewhere in my sheets and at least I'm able to look more closely at my notifications. My heart drops instantly as I see that they've been trying to reach me for the last thirty minutes. I shake my head, disappointed. Even though I was the world's heaviest of sleepers. "Fuck."  It doesn't take me long to get to Mount Sinai. Gigi gave me directions to where they asked our family to wait. Take a few right turns, then a left and there's  few chairs for us, some vague instructions. My father was being taken for a series of tests and that was the latest update I had received. The smell of the hospital overwhelms me. The time on my lock screen now says 5:09AM. Their are various beeps, loud noises and people in every direction as I maneuver through the emergency department. Finally after being unsuccessful with my sister's horrible instructions, I stop at the nurse's station. "I'm looking for my father, William Beaumont?" The nurse is young, a petite blonde, cute honestly and she stands up quickly. Maybe she can see the panic all along my face. "Here, follow me," she beckons as we go down a narrow hallway filled with rooms. "His room is this one, I think he's still in testing but your family is waiting inside." I look at the closed door, the Room number 17 and then back to the helpful nurse. "Thank you." My mother is pacing between two chairs in the small room. Gigi is seated in one chair, holding our mother's hand as she continues to walk back and forth. The opening of the door stops her in her tracks and she looks to me. I think she's a little bit disappointed that it's not a doctor or nurse with updates, but her features soften when she realizes it's me. "Freddie, oh I'm so glad you're here." We meet each other in the middle of the room, as she drops Gigi's hand and her slender arms wrap around my neck. "They just took your father to the cardiac catheterization lab, I think is what it's called. They believe he has a clot and want to put in a stent in. He just went back." I nod my head as I listens and process her words.  "I'll go get us all a cup of wonderful hospital coffee. I'll be back."  It's been over two hours now. The clock on the yellow hospital room wall states that it's 7:15AM. The room feels suffocating but a doctor just came to update us. Procedure was successful, my father was in the recovery room. He was going to spend about an hour there and then we'd be able to go visit him. "I'm going to get some fresh air." I let out a breath I didn't even notice I was holding. My mom is blotting her tear stained face with a tissue as I step out of the room. The cold air feels good as I inhale, letting them out and seeing the coldness of outside upon my exhales.  It's a familiar face I see coming towards me that stumps me. At first, I think I'm maybe seeing things. Once they get closer though, I know I'm not. "What are you doing here?" It's blunt, my words aren't harsh though. But it's the first ones we've spoken to each other in over a month. He doesn't answer me yet, but pulls me into a hug.    "Caesar called me. And so did Gigi. First time I've heard from her in months too, so don't say anything." Tate's hands go up in defense.   "He's okay. Just got out of surgery, Doc said he had a heart attack, but is expected to make a full recovery. Just going to have some restrictions for a little bit." Tate seems just as relieved as I am. Yeah, we both had a lot of issues with our respective fathers but neither of us wanted them dead. "I know it's only 7:30, but I know a place where we can get a drink. Come on."

[freddie beaumont]

SOME INTERVENTION I’m smiling, still buzzing from the excitement of my vacation and the extended work visit in LA, as I’m let off the elevator to my parents penthouse in the Beaumont Hotel. My skin more bronzed from the last time my parents have seen me and I’m expecting a comment from my mother on taking precious care of it. The door closes with a click behind me and I’m surprised to see my mother sitting down with her legs crossed. The living room that was usually loud with conversations - my mom and sister laughing while my father read the paper or some book was filled with silence. Her arms are also crossed against her chest. My father is standing behind her with his hand rested on top of the chair she's perched in. “Sit down, Frederick.” Everyone is staring at me, including the house staff. Georgina is the only one who won’t make eye contact with me. “Um, okay. Good to see everyone too,” my tone is of annoyance but I still listen and take a seat on couch across of the three of them. “What is this? Some intervention?” The words come with a narrowing of my eyes. When I was in Cabo, I received an interesting voicemail from none other than my mother. I assumed it was triggered from a conversation with Aisha. The pair have a standing brunch or late lunch date, with Aria sometimes tagging along. I always know which ones she attends because my mom blows my phone up with several pictures of my daughter. Which is really cute, I won’t lie. I don’t hate it. But those two together? That takes me to another level of anxious. It’s dangerous. My father opens his mouth as if he’s going to speak but he closes it. I feel my heart beat increasing by the second. Silence surrounds us as I see the wheels turning in my mother’s head. She's calculating what she wants to say, she’s always been the definition of ‘think before speaking.’ I’m suddenly concerned that maybe one of the hickeys Jane scattered along my chest are in their eye sight, getting a sense of exposure as I’m under their scrutinizing eyes. I remind myself that I’m wearing a pullover sweater, there’s no way that they can see. “We thought maybe with you being a father..you’d stop being so…” my mother’s voice trails off and is filled with so much emotion. “irresponsible.” Tears brim those gorgeous blue eyes as she blinks them slowly down her cheek. “I’m just a little confused here.” “Staying out in LA longer? Broadcasting that you’re having all sorts of casual sex? On the internet? The bikini top around your neck was not the kind of image your daughter needs to see.” “Excuse me but no one will be showing Aria any of those pictures. They better not. What the fuck?” The anger builds inside me, unsure where all of this is coming from and why this is suddenly coming to a head. Why now? “Language, Freddie.” Is the first thing and only thing my father says. I roll my eyes. Gigi is still looking anywhere but directly at me. I try to scan her face, to see if this will get her to finally glance at me or offer any information on what’s going on. A new picture of Aria is hung in the corridor of my parent’s home. I can see it from where I’m sitting on the couch. “Seriously what’s going on?” I’ve reached my limit of not understanding. “You can talk with Aisha about that.” “So what now you’re sending her to spy on me? She gives you all of the insight you normally don’t get, over lunch?” “One word and all of this could go away, Freddie.” She spits the words out so fast that Gigi gasps beside hers. So maybe she didn’t know what all of this little intervention entailed. My sister finally peers at me, her eyes that are identical to our mother, looking just as bewildered as mine probably were. There it is. The threat. “And you’re on that track right now.” They’ve scolded me once or twice before, but this felt different. As if I wasn’t getting the full picture. Something was missing here. “I’m not with Aisha, you know that right? We’re not together?” It wasn’t because of my lack of trying. Or maybe it was. We were constantly hot and cold that it gave me the biggest headache sometimes. But she was an addiction I could not quit. The push and pull made me crave her more. It’s those words that bring a light of anger in my mother’s eyes. One I’ve never seen from my normally calm, collected mother. “You’re not being a good father. You’re constantly away, throwing away some valuable time with your daughter and the mother of your child. I won’t stand for it anymore, Freddie.” There went another spurt of tears down that pristine face. “Wow.” She just shoved a giant knife in my back. Of something that I already felt insecure about. Not being enough, or good enough for Aria. “You need to talk to Aisha. If she’s going to speak to you after your little rendezvous. And for your sake, I hope so.” “Well I’m done with whatever this is.” I’m standing up now, the shock impairing my vision as I feel my heart rate at what feels like its maximum. “Thanks for the little intervention but I’m going home now.” Six strides and I’m out the door, I hear my mother and father yelling my name as I slam it shut. Back is pressed up against the heavy door, I allow myself to let out the largest breath I didn’t even know I was holding in. “What the fuck just happened?” I mumble to myself as I put my card against the elevator key pad. Hoping my legs would take me to my destination given that my mind was so shattered.

[freddie beaumont]

BUT THIS TIME, I LET YOU BE I forgot to wish her happy Mother’s Day. I don’t think she’s ever going to let me live that down. I don’t blame her either. To be fair I even forgot to wish my own mom the same. It was a crucial mistake I’ve made though, in trying to win myself back into her good graces. I haven’t fucked anyone since Jane. So March. The people closest to me would find that to be insane and if I spoke the words out loud, they’d say I was bullshitting them. I liked casual sex. No strings or feelings attached. I have fond memories of that night in Malibu, fucking Jane until we both were spent. And I don’t regret it at all. Never have when it’s come to our mutual understanding. It’s what came after that haunts me and makes my skin crawl. My mother called it hiding away from my responsibilities, until everything finally came to a head. Aisha was pregnant again. It was in that moment, I felt myself age ten years. Sitting down with my parents after I finally heard the news, the two of them encouraging me to make this situation better. Drinking with Caesar and Tate, it settling in that things had to be different going forward. It all needed to be more..permanent. Aisha wasn’t going to react well to that push her father was giving me. She’s been different towards me. Is it the pregnancy? Is it all of my actions before she told me she was expecting another child and I was the father? We weren’t together, still aren’t but I’ve hurt her. The lying, the refusal to be more up front, all sorts of communication issues. But there’s always been something there. A push and pull, from both ends. This time it’s more of a push, and I’m pulling away. Maybe that's what she wants, to push me completely out of her life, only to play a father figure. So I keep pulling, becoming further from her grasp. Uncertain that there even was something between us at all. Maybe just a lot to sexual tension that we’ve relieved enough. I don’t know.  Every time it’s my turn with Aria, I pick her up. Letting myself in was something we’d already discussed, it was allowed on these days and I loved when Aria came rushing into my arms, excited to see me. Just the scene in front of me is what has surprised me. It’s been several occasions, just different scenarios. But the same segment burned in my mind now. Oliver or whatever his name is, can’t really remember and don’t care frankly, is speaking with Aisha, her body is relaxed and she’s giggling - at whatever he’s said to her. They stop at the sight of me, the indifference so obvious once more on her face when sees me. I saw her laugh, actually laugh. The sound of it startled me. Only because I realized it’s been ages since I’ve heard it with my own ears. She says it’s nothing. He’s the “help.” But it has to be the reason she’s been…off, right? Or maybe I’ve lost it all. Even if I’m so confused myself. She can do what she wants, see whoever, she’s single after all. But that has really bothered, and troubled me. I signed up to take on this important project in Chicago.  I was honest with her that it could take a bit of my time, she didn't believe me. I know she didn't. Not a huge surprise either. Probably thinks I'm fucking the entire city region of Chicago. Instead it's actually a big fuck up from the manager, but potential for me to redeem myself to my father. And to give me a little bit of some space, to shove away these feelings I’ve never struggled with, and to hoping they’re resolved for good. We will see what comes next.