. regret me

[isaac mcavoy]

It was official: Isaac was one year sober. Despite all the positive vibes he had been putting out around his recovery journey, if he was really honest with himself it was a milestone he never thought he'd see. He's elated with himself as he turns the 6 month coin over and over in his hand, his sponsor giving his shoulder a squeeze as the group gives him heartfelt applause. It feels like a dream. Thanking them, the meeting wraps up and he shakes hands with and hugs a few people on the way out, genuinely grateful for this ragtag group of people-- without whom, he's so sure he wouldn't be here today. As he steps out into the cool LA evening, he starts walking in no particular direction, his feet so light he feels like he's floating. Well, what he thought was no particular direction... before long he realises he's walking towards Lily's apartment, and as soon as he realises, he knows there's no one he'd rather celebrate with. Still, not wanting to catch her out, he pulls out his phone and drops her a text. What are you up to? I'm 5 mins from your place. Feel like meeting me in the dinner down the block? a67063

[lily mccarthy]

For the first time in a while, Lily feels like her life is coming back together. After the stumble and fallout with Isaac her eyes had been opened wide, realizing how suddenly isolated she'd made herself. Unintentionally from her friends, now from one of the closest people in her life...she'd barely even taken stock in her daily routines, operating on autopilot to get things done or drift sleeplessly into long nights. Now, slowly but surely, she'd been getting a handle on things. Finally hired an assistant, resumed her long walks, listened to her friends frustrations and started to try to put in the effort. Zac was the last olive branch she'd been working on, thankful they'd come back from the tense standoff and ensuing silence they'd let bleed into their time apart. It's why seeing his name pop up on her phone can bring a smile to her face, wiping the sweat from her brow as she finished packing another box. yes! give me 10 just need to shower quickly. Lily unfolds herself from the floor, feeling the steady, light buzz of the two margaritas she'd made herself over the course of all the packing as she rinsed off quickly, tugging on a pair of oversized denim, white tank top and quilted jacket before shuffling into her Birkenstocks and treading the familiar path down the block to her favorite local diner. Her dark eyes scan the booths upon arrival, unashamed when she spots him and pulls him in for a hug when she makes her way across the worn, linoleum floors. "Going to take me much longer to get here pretty soon," she starts, sliding into the booth across from him with a genuine smile. "I bought a house."

[isaac mcavoy]

Dressed in a white tee and jeans, Zac wishes he had a sweatshirt on so he could pull the hood up and go as incognito as possible. Thankfully it's not far to the diner he and Lily have met at a hundred times before, awkwardness with her roommate making this place a more convenient rendezvous for the two. He slips inside without incident, occupying a booth as far away from the door as possible and sitting with his back to the restaurant. Without his having to order them, a Coke and a black coffee quickly materialise by his hand, causing him to grin up at the familiar waitress. "She'll be here in ten."  Forewarned, the server heads back to prep Lily's usual. With the punctuality he had come to expect from her, the girl herself arrives right on cue, pulling him into a tight hug and letting the smell of her shower gel and perfume engulf him. He grins as he sits back down, even more pleased than he thought he'd be to see her. Taking a deep sip of Coke and enjoying the caffeine rush, his bushy brows raise at her news. "Congratulations!" Genuine pleasure floods through him, happy for her in her next phase of life. "Maybe I can finally start visiting you again. Whereabouts? When do you move? Need me to help out?"

[lily mccarthy]

The tiniest hint of sharp chill rests in the air, Lily suddenly excited for the longer, cooler nights to come as she treads down the hill. The lights of the diner glow from around the corner soon enough, an immediate sense of calm rushing over her as she wandered in. After so much change it was nice to have a place of familiarity and peace, somewhere they were recognized but never bothered. Just two close regulars, enjoying their time and privacy. It's what propels her to act so casually with Zac, barely glancing twice around her and never even touching the menu as she meets his eye, tugging the cup of coffee toward her. The perfect balance for the drowsy buzz she had going, Lily empties a sugar packet into the depths and gives it a stir, excitement mirroring his as her smile grows larger. "It's just for me, so, door's wide open," Lily laughs, picturing the endless bustle of people she'd want to welcome in, dinner parties and decorating and a place to call her own. She blows quickly on the coffee before taking a sip, continuing on in an excited ramble. "It's in a little cul-de-sac off Sunset, lots of wood and windows and so peaceful...I have the keys now, just been packing some of my stuff slowly but surely and then have movers coming next weekend. Willow, my assistant...yes, found one of those too..has been helping with a ton, which has been so nice." She takes a second to breathe, looking up to take in his features with uninhibited appreciation before her brows pull together in question. "What brings you out this way?"

[isaac mcavoy]

Isaac finishes his Coke and has a fresh refill as Lily describes her new place, excitement lending her eyes an added brightness. In general she was glowing, a quiet levelling up that he had seen in himself and his bandmates when they were around the level of rising fame she was; more expensive haircuts, clothes influenced by stylists, an overall polish that seemed to seep into your pores by the time you became SNL guest levels of famous. She looked beautiful, more rested and collected than she had a few months before. "Sounds amazing. Seriously, I have a lot of time, I can help you drive your stuff over and unpack." A grin spreads across his stubbled face. "Told you assistants are the secret to a happier life." He leans back in his seat, his long legs stretching out to cross the divide from his side to hers as he slouched. Despite of a brief absence, and all the weirdness they'd shared recently, he found speaking to her incredibly easy. "AA meeting." He'd decided early on to go further afield for his meetings, living in the depths of Beverly Hills and wanting to avoid both the risk of running into other known figures, and the people who went along hoping to glimpse one. "Actually, we're both celebrating. They just gave me this." He reaches into his inside jacket pocket, producing the bronze 1 Year chip and sliding it across the table to her.

[lily mccarthy]

"You busy tonight? We can go see it...it's empty but-" Lily cuts off, smile beaming further at the basket of fries that gets delivered to the table. She turns to thank the waitress, earning a sly wink in acknowledgment as she settles in and grabs a few. The crunch, as always, is perfect. "I dunno. The charm's there, I kinda know what I want to do. Would just be fun to show it off." She can't hide the general contentment she feels right now, not that she'd even want to. Even this moment was filling her with happiness, nodding with a quick laugh at his statement. It also just feels good again to be back to this level of honesty, quietly putting her past outburst behind her as she listened intently. Looking back she hadn't realized just how run down she was, both physically and emotionally - taking some quiet time to process, heal and eventually sleep had done wonders, and she hoped that others could see her authentic attempts at trying. Like here, now, smile softening to something subdued but the pride genuine in the look she gives him. "Congratulations," she whispers, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. The other goes to the pocket of jeans, sliding his previous chip to settle alongside his new one. "Looks like this one's been upgraded."

[isaac mcavoy]

"I'd love that. I'm parked in your car park, hope you don't mind." They were both completely different people to the people who'd fallen out just a few weeks before. With the benefit of distance, Zac could see that he'd been erratic, impulsive, selfish. It had taken him time to realise he could still be an asshole even without narcotics to blame. "You've always had a good eye, I'm sure it'll end up looking amazing." It was a good fit for Lily to be moving into her own place, it made sense and he was proud of her to be doing so. It also didn't hurt that she'd be a lot closer to him than she was now, though he knows he shouldn't view that as such a win. He tucks in to the fries, relishing the salty crispness. It's not until eating that he realises how hungry he was, just as it wasn't until he saw Lily that he realised how much he'd missed her, despite all the late night phone calls they'd resumed. "Thank you. You're the first person I've told." She squeezes his hand and he feels the warm glow of pride, deep in his chest. "In fact, can you take a picture of me with this for my mom? She'd love getting it from you." He holds the chip up and grins like a kid being snapped on their first day of school. A gentle laugh escapes him as she brings out the chip's sibling, shaking his head. "Can't believe you still have that. Felt like such an achievement at the time."

[lily mccarthy]

"You'll just have to drive then," Lily shrugs, easing even further into the back of her seat. She's missed this a lot, eyes flickering over his familiar features, the sharp blue of his eyes and steady, shifting hands. As painful as it had been in the moment, there'd been something so charged in what they'd become. Lily feeling so heavy under the expectations of it all, of who everyone wanted or thought her to be. Something she was still trying to work on, but allowing herself to enjoy her time and company with less expectations or anxiety around it all. Warmth floods her at his admission, squeezing his hand once more before pulling away to grab her phone. "I'm saying it's your first birthday, if only we had a candle." In actuality she writes something simple but sweet, sending it off with well wishes on her own part. Over time she'd grown closer to Isaac's mom, sharing moments here and there he likely didn't even know about. Stores and worries and sometimes just general check-in's, she glances down eagerly to await her response before flicking her gaze back up to where the two chips sat. "It still is. Every day is one day further, y'know." A wash of guilt flickers through her at the last true conversation they'd had about this, weighing her words before saying them now. Offering support instead of doubt or apologies. "I'm really proud of you, Zac. Honestly. I hope you're proud too."

[isaac mcavoy]

Being fit to drive at all times was an unexpected upside for Zac, especially living in LA. When he first moved to the states he'd lived in New York and been accustomed to walking everywhere, though he wasn't sure how viable that would be these days. "Happy to." Briefly he wonders if he should shoot his girlfriend a text to warn her that he'd be back late, but he pushes the thought of it-- of her, from his mind. It's easy to forget when he's laughing along with Lily. Why should he have to tell his girlfriend he was hanging out with one of his oldest and closest friends? Despite himself he's pleased with the idea of his mom sharing in Lily's pride, of the two of them sharing in his achievement. "Thanks, Lils. Honestly, no matter what you might think, I couldn't have done it without you." He had shared her doubts with his group weeks before, who had set him straight; if he was getting himself clean to prove a point to anyone but himself, it wasn't going to work. So he had to let it go, had to understand where it was coming from and had to hold space for her doubt, since he had been the one to cause it in the first place. He waves the conversation away, picking the chip up and slipping it back into his pocket. "Anyway. What else is new with you? It feels like years since we were last here."

[lily mccarthy]

It's nice, for once, to say things have changed. For the better between them, Lily lacking the tenseness in her body and the nerves that often sat at the bottom of her throat, knowing his gratitude was authentic. Their general conversations she'd forged across the silence had been stunted but at least continual, fading into familiarity after a long, but cementing night with her now ex-boyfriend. It's what drops her features now, absently grabbing her spoon and stirring the coffee that no longer needed it. "Not much, aside from the assistant, and the move, and the break-up. The music stuff you know a lot of - I think I'll probably go in studio after everything's out of the apartment. End of an era," she sighs, thinking fondly of the memories there. It had been so different then, on the fringes of fame through her brother, now stuck with a spotlight shining brightly on her face. Lily mimics his movement, taking back the chip that she always transferred to keep close. Refusing to think further what it could mean, lips quirking back into a smile when a club sandwich appeared on the table in front of her. "I'm definitely never abandoning this place. It's actually kind of full circle...I wrote a lot of my first music in a diner back home." She tries to think of the last time she was there as much as she tries to place her and Isaac, browns pinched then softening. "Early June, maybe? They had a watermelon slushie I remember I had to try...god, that kind of is forever ago. What's been going on with you?"

[isaac mcavoy]

"You're churning out music at an insane rate. Don't you want to rest?" Maybe it was guilt talking, since he and the boys hadn't released anything for years. Covid, then rehab, then life got in the way. Sometimes he envied Lily's independence, needing just a pen and paper to do her best work, but then he knew he was nothing without his bandmates. For all his arrogance and his mistakes over the years, Zac had never fallen for the obvious trap of thinking frontman = sole talent. If his name and face were more recognisable than some of his bandmates, then he knew it was for all the wrong reasons.  It meant a lot to him that she would not only have his chip but have it on her person, something he had to assume she didn't do solely because she was seeing him. A warm glow settles between them as a chicken burger is slid in front of him, doused in Tabasco, just as he liked it. "I know." Isaac could be the top contributor to the Lily McCarthy Wikipedia if he were so inclined. For the first time since arriving, her question makes him freeze, a trickle of discomfort itching at the back of his mind. How to answer? "I'm so boring now. No new place, no new music, nothing to report." He focuses on the meal in front of him, taking a huge mouthful to occupy himself. 'It's so, so good to see you."

[lily mccarthy]

Lily shrugs, eyes drifting to the window outside as she tried to articulate her heightened pace of production. "I know it's kinda crazy, but it's been a good outlet too. They might end up on the cutting room floor in the end, but I'd rather know if they work or not." Writing had become its own catharsis during this time, lines and hazy musical scores an easier way for her to confront the situations at hand. In all honesty she knew these songs wouldn't go anywhere - too raw, composed primarily around the vast quiet and loneliness she'd felt. But it would be nice to have them somewhere to reflect on when she'd come a little further. Blinking out of her reverie at the sharp tang of Tabasco hit her nose, Lily flushes at his recognition. She's unsure if its embarrassment for repeating a fact about her life or something different entirely, choosing that moment to dig into her sandwich before addressing it any further. "Just a year boring - we'll take it," she eventually laughs after she swallows, admonishing him with a "Chew!" as he mumbles something with a full mouth. She's able to parse it out after a few seconds, face heating again under the warmth of the reunion and the humming tequila. "You too," she murmurs, eyes caught on his for a second too long before she turns back to the food. "Anything planned to celebrate your year?"

[isaac mcavoy]

She reminded him so much of Joey when it came to her work output, always pushing to do better, to test something before ruling it out, to try and work out the kinks in a song before scrapping it. "I'm very impressed, I just don't want you burning out. Maybe Willow and I will need to exchange numbers, make sure we can keep tabs on you." Another side effect of sobriety: having space and empathy spare to actively care about other people, a novel feeling. They eat in a (mostly) comfortable silence for a few moments, the food far better than it had any right to be. He laughs at her instruction, nodding along and taking his time to chew before he spoke again. "Oh you know... might treat myself to a kombucha, maybe even a Red Bull." He thinks for a moment. "We should pick up some Champagne en route to your place though--" he holds up a hand to encourage her to hear him out. "Not that I'll have any, but it seems wrong not to christen it. You can have a glass and I can live vicariously through you having a glass."

[lily mccarthy]

"I don't need you two conspiring, I'd never be able to get away with anything! I'm actually sleeping now too, which is helping. Well, kind of sleeping," Lily backpedals, motioning between them in recognition of their midnight calls. Not as frequent as before, but the steady consistency as the clock slipped away and they just talked and talked and talked with no agenda or second thoughts in mind were something she held onto dearly. Out of everything, it was one of the things she missed most when they were fighting. That and this proximity, head swimming with warmth and their closeness and the reality that she didn't wake up this morning trying to figure out where she was with everyone in her life. "You don't even like sweets either...do we need to get a fruit platter?" Her smile falters briefly when he brings up champagne, flashing back to Chloe's wedding and the dance floor and her hesitation. There's salve over the wound now, face scrunching in amuse to his continuation, quickly reaching for her phone again to look something up. "There's non alcoholic champagne now we could get for you. Keep the celebratory vibes going. We can pop them off the top deck...I have a top deck!" The glee washes over her again, tossing a few additional fries into her mouth and making a point to swallow before she speaks again. "How does it feel? One year clean."

[isaac mcavoy]

Insomnia, a curse they were both afflicted with. Zac feels a pang of worry at her saying she's over hers, though he knows it's selfish. Their late night calls meant so much to him, something he had discussed in therapy and in his groups, which led him to believe it was a significant contribution to his recovery. Not that he'd tell her as much, for fear of her feeling pressured into continuing them past their sell by date. "I'm happy for you. What's the secret?"  He scrunches his nose up at the suggestion of a fruit platter. She searches on her phone and he's struck by these small gestures, allowances for his addiction that were so commonplace but so loaded with concern for him. "Sure. Fake champagne it is." He didn't have the heart to tell her how bad the stuff was, she'd find out soon enough. Another laugh at her enthusiasm, and he gives her shoulder a squeeze. "You done good, kid!" Sitting back in his chair, he takes a moment to reflect on her question. "I don't know. It doesn't feel real, except for when it feels too real... apparently by this point I'll have healed some of the brain damage I did, so that's cool, right? Still can't really believe I gave myself brain damage... that's probably more believable from your perspective."