. regret me

[lily mccarthy]

"Y'all and your maple syrup," Lily shakes her head, the rare slip of a southern accent coming through as the night runs languid on her tongue. Unsure if the tumultuous emotions had tired her out or the blanketed haze that came with this return to easy conversations, tension all but lifted from her shoulders. It's strange how it happened like this, so fraught with feelings before only to push through a pane of glass and feel content with them all again. Maybe it was the fresh air. Maybe it was the champagne. Maybe it was the notion that she could have one night. One day at a time, keeping her mind locked in on the present and not years from now, staring down the barrel of a future she could write irreparable scenarios for. No, right now she looked to him, breaths shallow but steady, and knew that there was something unexplainable there. Far past words, quiet laughter at the shift of his body and the trail of her fingertips on his wrist before he stood to fix the record. Unfolding herself from the chair, Lily reaches for the bottle in the wake of his confession, unprepared for the cloying sweetness that engulfed her tongue when she polished off a sip. "This is so bad," she can't help but mutter, gloss glistening on the rim as she inspects the label. It takes her a moment to refocus, the true champagne brimming at her surface, eyes hazy and bright as they rise to his again. "To sign our death warrants?" The joke hits first, Lily's smile fading from one of humor to something subdued but warm, stepping closer yet again. "You're serious, huh?"

[isaac mcavoy]

The record player crackles into life, the characteristic drums kicking 'Joey' off. Appropriately. Grinning at the coincidence, his eyes find hers in time for her to squeeze them close with disgust at the fake champagne. "There are nicer ones that just taste like apple juice. None are actually good though, and none are anything close to the real thing." Alcohol free beers were the lesser of two evils, bearing more similarity to their boozy equivalent, though they also felt lacking. Just as many vegetarians found pretend meat off putting, drinking fake beer made Zac want a real one all the more, so he tended towards out and out alternatives over poor substitutes. He can see it in her eyes and he envies it. Not drunkenness, just a pleasant haze, a softening of life's hard edges. Sobriety made everything viscerally real and at times it was too much, made him claustrophobic in his own skin, desperate for anything that could represent an escape for it. Meditation was his new drug of choice, but he'd be lying if he said it was half as satisfying. "Don't get me wrong, I know you're not his property. I'm not asking to court you like it's the 1700s." Another half-grin, "he'd only say no anyway. So I'm not going to ask for permission, but I might preemptively ask for forgiveness." The atmosphere has softened, thank god. "Anyway, you've still got to give me the full tour."

[lily mccarthy]

"You should have warned me, we could have gotten something else." Lily stares at the bottle once more in disdain, committing the offending thing to memory. "Is it even helpful, at all? I can see it being nice for being part of an atmosphere but I don’t know…I feel like if I was using it to not drink the real thing, I’d just slowly start to crave it again." It’s close to an obscure metaphor she refuses to chase, suddenly hazy and light with the gentle, compounding thrum of her buzz. It helps further diffuse the tension from earlier, though guilt still settles on her skin. It almost feels unfair to not be sober around him; though never pressured, she couldn’t have imagined doing most of her tour partying every night. It had been exhausting enough - the thought alone triggers a yawn, palm smothering the hint of a smile before it drops. "What, no dowries?" Lily jokes, close enough to reach for his hand once again and lead him to the outdoor stairs. "C’mon, my room’ll be up here."

[isaac mcavoy]

"Who am I to ruin your fun?" She continues and as always she's attuned to sentiments he hasn't even expressed to her, somehow managing to read him like a book. He's not sure when they transitioned from acquaintances to actual friends, straining to remember a time when she was just his best friend's little sister, a sweet kid he liked but had no personal connection with. At some point their familiarity had built until they had become fully fledged friends, and somehow that had become this. "Sometimes it's fun. Wedding toasts, that kind of thing. Times where a Capri Sun wouldn't hit the same." "You tell me, think he'll pay me to take you off his hands?" The rest of the house looms over them, holding that intimidating emptiness that serves to throw more attention on the few pieces of furniture dotted about. It's hard to imagine what it'll look like when it's done, though he has no doubt that it'll be impeccably finished and unmistakably Lily. "Straight to your bedroom? Lily McCarthy, you're full of surprises."

[lily mccarthy]

"You don't ruin my fun," Lily clarifies, mind adrift but words steady. Her eyes trace the silent descent of a loose leaf into the pool, cerulean lights capturing the ripple of the water just so. Much like a cascade of decisions and moments had led them here, now, memories poignant in her head both bad and good. Her face screws up at the mention of a wedding toast, then loosens into a laugh at his choice of drink. "If someone put a Capri Sun in my glass for a wedding toast I think I'd be pleasantly surprised. Even better if it's a Cherry Coke, though that would be a bit of an obvious fake." The stairs curve gently upward to the second floor of the house, casting her gaze about once more before the shrug of her shoulders jostles their grip. "Maybe if he decides to disown me first, yes." Though they were able to joke about it now, Lily wasn't sure how she was going to explain to her brother what this was. Complicated, unpredictable, new but not? She's quietly thankful Zac's mentioned having that conversation, setting it to the side as they reach the expansive landing. "It's completely empty, kind of lacking sex appeal...though I could have mentioned this as a fun addition," she motions to the hot tub, dormant and likely freezing from misuse, but a feature she at first laughed at, then imagined all the benefits. Flicking open the lock Lily steps in, revealing the blank canvas before her. "I love the skylights," she starts, chin tilted upward to the paned glass sloped on the ceiling. "And the space. There's a master bath I'll probably have to get redone, and a closet to renovate but...it'll be fun work. I'm excited to figure it out." She continues her light moderation as they walk through the rest of the home, voice quick when passionate about a particular idea or reference in mind, subdued when she isn't quite sure what her plan is. Last door saved on purpose as they end up back downstairs, pushing it open to reveal a small but cozy room, large floor-to-ceiling doors serenely illuminating another way outside. "Music room, I think. Can't exactly put a studio in here, but I don't know...the house is amazing but when I saw this little space, I knew this was supposed to be mine." Her eyes cut quietly to her left, arms crossed as she leans against the doorway. "When you know you know, right? Anyways, this is her."

[isaac mcavoy]

There was something quite strait-laced, quite goody-goody about Lily that if he was really being honest, Isaac had initially found almost off-putting. It had taken time for him for the familiarity to build, a familiarity that finally made him realize what he had mistaken for her being uppity was really her being moralistic, just as her brother was, though she was less direct about it. Both of the McCarthys had an incredibly strong sense of right and wrong and unlike most people, they really held themselves to their own exacting standards, something that was as admirable as it was sometimes annoying. But it's this that leads Zac to believe that she means it when she says he doesn't ruin her fun. He trails behind her as she gives him the grand tour, dutifully taking in the features as she points them out. "It's really beautiful, Lil. Can't wait to see what you do with it." Stood in what was to become her bedroom, he couldn't help his mind wandering to thoughts of them here together, her head on his chest as they looked up through the skylight on a sunny Sunday morning, his arm around her. He banishes the thought as he follows her back downstairs, nodding along to her vision. "You don't need a studio, not with Joe's. Besides, you're practically soundproofed here anyway." He leans on the doorframe to the opposite side of her. "You're making me want to move now, showing me up."

[lily mccarthy]

It's strange, growing up. It's easy to define that she is now, staring serenely at the carefully constructed walls and open spaces that constituted her home. Looking back to someone who had appeared one day in her life, drifting on its edges, before slowly coming into focus. Whether but sharp, worrying force or sweet midnight confessionals, Isaac had become more than her brother's bandmate and a silly crush on a burgeoning rockstar. He could hurt her now, easily. What was more terrifying is that she could now do the same. "Just for fun, then," Lily decides, slipping back into reality as her gaze flickers up and down at the sudden lack of distance. Shaking her head with the huff of a laugh, muttering "I can't be this close to you right now," under her breath as she uncrosses her arms and backs out of the room. Black Diamond Bay drifts from the record player when she returns to the empty living area, steps light and to the beat as she spins back around with a flourish. "That was her! For the record, I like your house, it has all that light." Funny how she won't have to go to swim in a pool because she had one now. Grown up. "If you do move though, maybe try to make the house tour a little more uneventful?"

[isaac mcavoy]

Watching her twirl in front of him in her very own living room, Zac is filled with an open and abundant pride in her achievements, matched only by his secret thrill. After all, if she was taking this huge leap into shifting the staging of her life, why shouldn't she be open to reviewing the roles of those people she shared it with? Cleo would no longer be her roommate, the twins and Elyse no longer her neighbours. Zac did something he rarely allowed himself to do these days, and he dared to dream that he might get a new role too. Bob Dylan adds a levity to the situation, cutting through any remnant tension. It's the kind of atmosphere he'd usually want to drink through, both the joy and the awkwardness an easy excuse for a beer, but her enthusiasm is so infectious that the craving doesn't last long. "I think you could be closer." Despite himself, he closes the distance between them. "I think I will move. Too much history i that place." Before he can think, he's holding his hand out to her with exaggerated formality. "First dance in the new place?"

[lily mccarthy]

"Maybe in your new spot TMZ won't know your gate code," she jokes, mind flashing briefly to the latest time she'd been caught out at his. Remnants of their fight still on her tongue and headache crisp and clear, she'd slid on her sunglasses just in time for the telltale shutter of a camera click, adding to the impending doom she'd felt once she finally slid into the car. The straw that inevitably led to silence and rebuilds, now standing here. In a new space, with a new future. Even when she rolls her eyes, sliding into a quick curtsy before grabbing his hand, this dance feels less heavy than the one they'd shared at Chloe's wedding. Less heavy than they'd felt even an hour ago, tugged effortlessly into his frame. Swaying to the beat, pushing down the sour deja vu and the cloying awareness of their proximity to enjoy the moment. The house, them, this, the familiar notes of his cologne as she shifts to rest her head on his shoulder. "What a year," Lily breathes, the hint of a laugh low against his t-shirt before she pulled back to look at him. "If someone told you we'd be here right now at the beginning of this year, would you have laughed? Be honest."

[isaac mcavoy]

"That would be the dream. Never in this city, though." Ah, the illusion of privacy. Zac remembers when he hit a level of fame that required gates to keep papparazzi out, something he had never desired for himself. Though his initial move to New York had been a huge culture shock, not a day goes by that  he doesn't miss the anonymity it afforded. Whilst LA advertised itself as the home of the rich and the famous, he felt more conspicuous here - TMZ tours barrelled around his neighbourhood, tourists from Florida (why was it always Florida?) leaning heavily out of the windows to take blurry photos of his gate to post on Facebook. In New York, he could go down to his nearest bodega in the middle of the afternoon and no one gave much of a shit. With her hand in his, he too gets flashbacks to the wedding. His ex wife's wedding, where he danced with Lily, telling her he loved her whilst his date - now girlfriend sat just feet away. Even he has lost the ability to be surprised by his own audacity. She leans against him and his heart swells in his chest, threatening to burst through his ribcage. "You worked hard for it." Inhaling the scent of her shampoo and perfume, a combination he could never get bored of. He ponders her question. "No, because I'd have wanted to believe it." They sway in time with the music and Isaac knows this is one of those moments, a minute he'd like to freeze in time and be able to revisit over and and over. "I've been set on you for a while now."

[lily mccarthy]

"You have a funny way of admitting that sometimes," Lily argues back, eyes light but honest as they flicker between his. Chest tight when she realizes how much depth she can find in the icy blue gaze she held, one that not too long ago had seemed so lost and empty. A year of sobriety, a year of her album release...a year where their relationship had sloped, picking up proximity and half truths until it settled on the delicate edge they danced on now. She'd be lying if she said she wasn't happy with the current outcome. But she was also still wary, rooting back into the memories of their dance at the wedding, Hazel somewhere in the distance witnessing everything that transpired between them. Hazel. It's enough of a memory to pull away when the song ends, eyes drifting back outside as the album gently transcends to the next song. Undecided with what to do with her hands, Lily crosses them over her chest that's still buzzing with champagne. "I guess I do, too. But I'm glad I...um...I'm glad we didn't hook up on my tour," She admits gracelessly, tongue clumsy in an effort to find her point. "I think we'd be in a worse place, if we had. Maybe we could have avoided tonight, but I don't know. I think we needed to get away from it to make sure those feelings were...real. Or bigger? Does that make sense? I'm kind of starting to really feel that champagne now."