. pensándote

[rosie de la cruz]

CURRENTLY: AT RAUW ALEJANDRO (MAIN STAGE)

ROSIE

I barely got to see you. An interesting thing to say to someone who he hadn't invited, but then again he often dabbled in checkers when she stuck to chess. Finding ways to incite...something inside her, be it anger or curiosity or lust. Beni operated easily in those emotional spaces, so unafraid to speak his mind because even with consequences he'd be given an answer. Something definitive, Rosie's greatest hurdle to jump. Opting for riddles or vague references, now poised with a question so direct there was no other option. Yes or No. Her gaze sweeps quickly over the crowds still pouring out before she finally. nods in affirmation. Because he'd had to know that she would be here, Nora this oblivious piece between them. Diagonal on his boards, all over on hers, Rosie settling back on her perch before signaling for Nora to join her. She liked this silly imbalance, as impractical as it left her, legs back to kicking in the wind. Tugging another Modelo from an ice bucket someone passes with she quickly twists the top off, bottles crackling against one another in celebration. “A proper cheers, then - to seeing you be a little serious.” Rosie's face nudges up in a cheeky smile, sip familiar on her tongue as she washed it down. Still aware of the hesitance between them, gently keeping her distance from the top of her trunk.

[benicio otero]

CURRENTLY: At Rauw Alejandro (MAIN STAGE)

Benicio

It’s rare for him to see her like this, too. Carefree, unplugged from her devices, living in the moment. It should suit her that Rosie comes alive backstage, back where all the control is, not at the center of attention for once. She said she needed to make herself happy and it seemed that was going well, but Benicio only saw himself left out of it, rendered a witness rather than a participant. Which made him wonder if he was hindering her in the first place. It’s bittersweet to watch her dance and let loose, finally, which he had been trying to prod out of her for months, only granted after a few drinks and one too many requests. That it took his passes and a backstage right under his nose, but never with him. Made an audience member to her, reminding him he could never truly reach her. Even when right in front of him. He has to look up to her from her new height, an easy cheers of chilled bottles clattering between them, Nora closeby talking to another artist. “Oh did you like that?” he asked with amusement, swallowing some of his drink. A new facet of him uncovered, a secret relief that she was still interested in such discoveries. “I would invite you to more shows to come see, but I think you would say no,” he teased, tugging on her dusty boot. She was more at ease this way, feeling in control, knowing she could leave any time. And from this height it felt like she was an altar at which he worshipped. “You like it better when I don’t pay attention to you? Is that the secret to your heart?”

[rosie de la cruz]

CURRENTLY: AT RAUW ALEJANDRO (MAIN STAGE)

ROSIE

It still amused her that for a minute, they'd fully swapped personas. A rare scenario where she'd been carefree and lax, content with the flow of the day and curious about the rest of the night. One where Beni had been more in control, a little tense, only letting go when nothing further could go wrong. But the music had stilled, and the deafening crowd was ebbing, and even with the tin still ringing in her ears the spell was slowly reverting. Retreating to calm and quiet, pressing her foot into his palm when he grabbed it. “You didn't even invite me to this one,” she reminds, magic fading into those familiar nerves she often felt with him. Always unsure where he'd go, when he'd try to push, pulling the bottle back to her lips as she contemplated. “Million dollar question, isn't it?” Another infamous dodge of hers, peering out above his head as the crews hastily rolled the cases away. Readying for another artist, a different team, but leaving them curiously alone. Rosie studies the artist wristband bracketed on her wrist, assuming it was the reason for the space as she mumbles amidst the breakdown noise, voice cautiously honest. “I still don't know, Beni.”

[benicio otero]

CURRENTLY: At Rauw Alejandro (MAIN STAGE)

Benicio

He couldn’t know what was going on with her anymore, and there was nothing more maddening than that. She had become a fixture of his weekends, Benicio looking forward to their dates, their conversations, starting an internal almanac of all things he learned about her. A chance encounter months ago, two obvious opposites in every way—languages, personalities, histories—twisting into something with sharp edges, haunted by lingering exes and touchy boundaries, but stubborn with a strange persisting hope. “I didn’t,” he confirmed with a slow nod, lips pursed in consideration. “I wanted to but I didn’t think you would come. I didn’t expect to see you,” he revealed, a rare moment of unprompted honesty to dispel any notions she might have that this was all some ploy, some scheme to reach her. To be fair, he’d told Nora to surprise him and she did, withholding the reveal until his most important day, caught wholly off guard and already writing off any hopes by the time he saw her. “You always surprise me.” He rolls his eyes at her deflection, mimicking her signature one with a smirk and quick pat to her shin. The princesa safe in her tower over him, reminding him of the dragons and knights guarding her castle. “I don't know how to act around you,” he confessed, leaning up against the trunk, hands innocently folded beneath his chin staring up at her. "I still don't get you."

[rosie de la cruz]

CURRENTLY: AT RAUW ALEJANDRO (MAIN STAGE)

ROSIE

It was as if they'd picked up that liminal space they'd been left in at Nora's, still hovering in a doorway across from one another and wholly unsure what to say. Rosie'd never be one to admit that it had been the quiet she'd had to get used to, when they stopped talking. Dialing back her efforts at work had given her time to realize that silence stretched, Beni often filling the quiet with random anecdotes or phrases muttered under his breath in clipped Spanish. Always asking, questioning of her time and where he could fill in the gaps. It's why she doesn't completely believe him now, head tilting down in incredulity. “You had to have known there was a chance.” Because Nora meant her, the link originating from her personal end. If he pulled there, Nora would tug here, Rosie now smack dab in the middle of another conversation where she couldn't find words. If right ones even existed, sometimes feeling so stilted and awkward, unsure of what to say. As cool as she came off at times, indifference her preferred facade, her own feelings baffled her sometimes. Feeling that same strange hesitance, the lingering edges break-ups she could barely even call that. Instead her eyes drift further over the festival grounds, smile hollow and soft on her lips. “I wish there was an answer key to hand over, but I'm just me. Aren't we all just trying to figure it out as we go?”

[benicio otero]

CURRENTLY: At Rauw Alejandro (MAIN STAGE)

Benicio

Knowing anything when it comes to Rosie is a stretch. “Did I hope? Yes,” Benicio concedes easily, dark lashes fluttering with a weighty blink. Always the fool to admit as much, steady to the same draw as a moth was to a flame, enamored with its own demise. Always a resounding yes to the possibility of seeing her, ready to synthesize the opportunities himself if he had to, only realizing the weighty implications afterward when the magic wore off. “Did I expect? No,” he balanced earnestly, the corner of his mouth twitching with the try of a smile. It felt like a battlefield that he had already laid himself out over, revealing his intentions and desires, simply waiting for her to make up her mind, settle in the place where he could hope to share space. “Did I know? Never.” It’s a gamble trying to keep her near, but he realizes he’s tiring of the game, always feeling like he’s practicing moves on a field she won’t even show up to. She’s right, there’s no answer and he’d be a fool to wish otherwise. But if there were, would she? “If you’d let me try,” he relented to her point, shrugging away from the trunk she rested on, realizing his insignificance from this perch of hers. He clears his throat after a hearty pull of his drink, looking up at her. “You want me to be serious right now or no?”

[rosie de la cruz]

CURRENTLY: AT RAUW ALEJANDRO (MAIN STAGE)

ROSIE

There's no satisfaction that comes with being right, Rosie drowning the unsettling feeling in another sip. Unsure why her first instincts would lead her to push there, resist her, a minefield of missed cues and her general apprehension. Knowing it would be better if she could commit to saying no, making a definitive choice to at least keep them out of the dark. But something had always made her hesitate, good times tugging at her scales, reducing her to silence that hindered any kind of progress. For better or for worse, they just were. And Rosie was unsure it anything would change tonight. Not until he stepped away, feeling a shift the second something settled in his gaze. Rosie anchors her hands back to the edge of her tower, eyes curious on his as if she needed a moment to contemplate before relenting. “Go on.”

[benicio otero]

CURRENTLY: At Rauw Alejandro (MAIN STAGE)

Benicio

It’s cautious permission granted, perhaps only afforded by her temporary height advantage or the buzz of backstage pulsing through them. It’s an invitation laced with warnings, the underpinnings of another flavor of finality. There’s only so much he can do to prove his innocence, to disarm himself when she’s already looking down at him, refusing to show his palms another second, nothing left to hide. “I’ve never met anyone like you before,” he declared, scratching at the back of his braided head. Leaning against her tower and speaking up to her like a village boy courting the princess restricted to her fortress. However, the towers in this story were of her own making. “You’re the only girl who’s ever made me feel crazy for liking you,” he laughed in realization, the gestures and hours spent in waiting, wanting. As if he were the only one to hold his breath when she walked past, to hope that she graced him with her presence. The novelty of her attention had yet to wear off, if anything made stronger upon the realization of its scarcity now that he could discern, watch it shift from obligation to option. “And you’re so good at avoiding everything when it becomes real.”

[rosie de la cruz]

CURRENTLY: AT RAUW ALEJANDRO (MAIN STAGE)

ROSIE

It isn't what she expects, at first. Rosie waits for his tone to drip with anger, to be cut to the quick with overflowing frustration. Instead he takes her words and delivers them back in his own way, choices poignant but unspecific. As if he'd take them back if he had to, chest tightening in frustration both at herself and with him. A taste of her own medicine, biting her tongue until he finished just to double down on his efforts. “I don't know why my real and your real can't coexist. Just because I don't...I don't know, yell, or cry, or know exactly what I want at all times doesn't mean I live in some alternate reality. We've always known we're very different people.” It's an echo of a fight they've had before, bracing for a different outcome yet expecting much of the same. Waiting for him to push, and her heels to dig further. “I was pretty honest, the last time I saw you,” she adds cooly, that night dutifully acknowledged. Wondering if it held weight in his grievances against her, bottle set silently aside so she could devote her full attention to wherever this may lead.

[benicio otero]

CURRENTLY: At Rauw Alejandro (MAIN STAGE)

Benicio

If Rosie's beauty affords her anything, it’s assumed innocence from her actions. It must be rare that she’s called out for anything, too propped up by society to feel any wrongdoing. Benicio is equally disoriented by her oscillations as he is by her stubborn refusal to acknowledge the habit, conceding little if anything, ever. Wondering the root cause was a fruitless endeavor, convinced they simply brought out this puzzling but alluring difficulty from the other, a product of their glaring differences yet overcome. “But I don’t know what your real is,” he admits, laying it all out there, still at odds with the harsh edges of his frustration. It had been a while since a girl brought this out of him, and he isn't sure he likes the shadow reaches. “All these months later I still don’t know how you felt about me.” Where they went wrong, when it toed a line she wasn’t willing to cross and how many warning signs he had missed along the way. Was it just him, her ex? The types of questions undiscerned by heartache but still haunting nonetheless, little scratches on the psyche one can’t help but pick at. “My sister told me we were seeing each other,” he mentioned sedately, tipping his drink at her with a pointed glance. “News to me.”

[rosie de la cruz]

CURRENTLY: AT RAUW ALEJANDRO (MAIN STAGE)

ROSIE

It's never been her intention, to be this unknown. This guarded, a careful selection of intentions and promises that never quite hit their mark. It's why it hit harder than expected when it's acknowledged, because they're both looking for the why. Was it the longstanding thread with her ex that had thrown everything off-kilter? Had she walked so far down that road, thrown herself so far into that life, that she was still trying to find her way out? The answer was as elusive as her own words, shifting nervously against the metal edge she remained on. “I liked you,” she settled on, eyes furtive in his direction. “But I wasn't ready to commit to anything and you were everywhere. It never felt...easy for me, to let you in. Sometimes it was overwhelming - and I know that's who you are, you're direct and passionate and unafraid. But that is...a lot, for me.” There's no room for false pretenses now, Rosie slipping back down to the ground to negate her advantages. It felt unfair, wincing at the inevitable before rolling her eyes. “What am I supposed to say? 'Hi, nice to meet you, we actually alternate between fighting and sleeping together and sometimes grab dinner when I rearrange my schedule?'”

[benicio otero]

CURRENTLY: At Rauw Alejandro (MAIN STAGE)

Benicio

He’s losing her, it’s only a matter of when. Always digging himself out of some pitfall in her path, trying to keep up as she bolted in the opposite direction. Unable to match what was given, or simply unwilling. Sealing herself off from discovery, shining light only on the parts she could control or hide behind. So of course any confrontation felt like a personal affront, someone prodding for weaknesses in the walls she’d thrown up. An attack to her was an advance to him—both wielding their own gauges of intimacy, differing tolerances for frustration. It’s not the first time being told he was too much. Too boisterous, too energetic, too eager; born of impatience, tenacity, fervor. It was usually what people liked about him, what made him memorable long after first impressions. It’s what swept up hard, fast relationships with consuming finales or loose-stringed ends that never quite cut off. “Are we doing any of those right now?” he asked, amused. Seeing her for the second time in nearly two months, the underhanded tactics it took to flush her out of hiding. She’s back on ground level and he knows she’s itching to run, better make it fast. “What do you want from me, Rosie? I give you space, I give you quiet. Then you show up here, somehow to see me and avoid me at the same time,” he pointed out, incredulous and finally at the end of his rope being jerked around by this beautiful, infuriating vanishing act of a woman. “You only want it on your time. Just admit you like torturing me.”

[rosie de la cruz]

CURRENTLY: AT RAUW ALEJANDRO (MAIN STAGE)

ROSIE

She was scared. It’s what it all cycled back to, a phrase so vulnerable for her she’d rather bury it further than admit it to him. She’d been afraid to change herself, to open up, to make any differences in fear of upsetting the balance of life she’d worked so hard to create. But it had happened anyway, path forward shrouded in uncertainty, and this back and forth was the only thing familiar she could sink her teeth into. “I was being polite,” Rosie clips, watching him run between the lines of her words. Making assumptions she didn’t intend, that familiar urge to defend herself clicking back into place. She’d come along with no intentions, deciding last minute to put herself back into his orbit in a show of appreciation for the opportunity. It was foolish of her to think it could end any other way, eyes widening toward Nora in unspoken communication. “And I did just want to say thank you, but the real answer is tonight I just wanted to have fun, and now we are fighting again, and I think that’s just who we are. Too different to be anything good.” It’s as evasive as ever, a cop out she takes to step away from him and end the conversation she was unwilling to have in the first place. “Dont worry - it’s not you, it’s me.”

[benicio otero]

CURRENTLY: At Rauw Alejandro (MAIN STAGE)

Benicio

He’d rather her be honest than polite, but it’s too much of an ask for the girl with a curated smile and scripted life already on a precarious balance. It’s why the aspect of a job change upturned everything, sent her into a spiral he only got to hear about after the fact, still held at an arm’s length when she needed support most. He always wondered whose shoulder she cried on, whose arms she sought instead, even with Nora in their periphery. In trying to invite out her bravery by demonstrating his own, he had only scared her right back behind the castle walls. “Are we fighting right now? I thought we were just having a conversation,” he defended calmly, hands clasped together behind his back, studying her as she popped at the seams. The girl who problem-solved for a living but fled when problems arose in her own life. In the heat of the moment Benicio had forgotten about the stage around them, avoiding Nora’s gaze because it was probably the last time seeing her, too. Too different to be anything good. He pursed his lips, looking away with a mechanical nod, surprised by the blade of her honesty. Unfortunately it was too late for her to start now. “It is you,” he snapped quickly, harsh tone setting into his dark features. The strange rise of a slow, building temper, something he rarely indulged. “You never stay to finish the fight,” he pointed out, why it felt like it was just one long rollover disagreement. It should be them versus a problem, not one another. “So go, adiós. Run away like you always do.”

[rosie de la cruz]

CURRENTLY: AT RAUW ALEJANDRO (MAIN STAGE)

ROSIE

The world’s slowly shrunk in on them and this moment, Rosie cataloging it for what it was worth. A fire lit, an opportunity stamped out, a relationship forged on curiosity and differences, now spitting into ash around her. The way shadows split down his face harshly from the stage, eyes darkening like she’d never witnessed before. There’d been a shift between them suddenly, and it hadn’t been a good one either. It is you. It’s low and eviscerating and she could leave now but Rosie knows somewhere she deserves it, eyes meeting his in quiet defiance. Giving him his peace to say what he needed, to have hit what needed to hit, heart beating wildly as he all but sent her away. Fully expecting the outcome, stares held in silence before she finally called over her shoulder. “Nora, let’s go.” Disappearing from his life as quickly as she’d fallen into it.