solomon, noah a.

[Deleted]

full name noah abraham solomon. date of birth 17.08.88. home town boston, MA. current city new york, NY. education           •     MIT graduate, class of 2010.          •     major - computer science & engineering. occupation app developer. ________________________________________ ________________________________________ ________________________________________ A year ago, my life changed completely. I mean I need to be careful about how I phrase this, because it was a tragic situation, but a tragic situation that improved my life immeasurably... A girl I'd slept with years ago had died. It was sad in an abstract sorta way, in the way that anyone dying young is sad. But I didn't know her at all, we'd literally met that night and not stayed in contact. In any case, she must have got the measure of me, because when she found out she was pregnant she didn't bother to tell me. Truth be told, back then I don't know how I would have handled it, given that I was only twenty at the time. But yeah, after Florence died her family reached out to me, since she'd told them with all confidence that I was Anya's father. Forgive me for this bit, but I kinda didn't believe it. It's a fucking lot to take in! And I was worth a lot by this point, so it seemed... anyway, a paternity test proved it beyond doubt: Anya was mine. You'd never deny it now. Maybe it's just my imagination, but she's picked up so many of my mannerisms, and she's adopted so many of my phrases. She garbles them, though, which makes for the cutest thing ever. She's nuts. She spends the majority of her life insisting she's her favorite tv or book character, or sometimes pretending she's just a random animal, like a shark or a tiger. Tell you the truth, I was sort of drifting before she came along. Now she's the only person who matters. ________________________________________ TUMBLR, NOAH SOLOMON IS AN ASSHOLE.   Before you banshees get your panties in a twist, let me explain. I wouldn't usually do something like this. It's not classy, it's not clever, and it's usually pointless. But there are so many dumb bitches on this website quoting Noah and posting gifs of his interviews and just generally licking his ass that I couldn't stand it anymore. Let me make one point abundantly clear:     Noah Solomon, creator of Tinder, is a total misogynist. If that surprises you, just sit back and think about it for a sec. What's Tinder all about? Looks? So he's superficial, obviously. But I'm here to tell you that it goes deeper than that. I know this, because I dated that motherfucker for six months: from late 2012 to mid 2013. Those last couple months? He was engaged. To a girl from high school. But more on that later. Noah started out as a total sweetheart. I can't tell you how modest he was about his success-- embarrassed about it, even, and it was charming. He was charming. He'd take me on these cute little dates and they were actually thoughtful, and you know what? He was shy. He never once seemed full of himself or like he wasn't being genuine. He's such a good liar he should think about acting, because he was definitely acting the whole time, and I was sucked right on in. He'd surprise me with little gifts, except they weren't just flowers or chocolates or any of that shit. They'd actually be really fucking thoughtful, like a first edition of a book I'd talked about, or a trinket that apparently reminded him of me. Sentimental things. I mean, this asshole introduced me not just to his parents, but his grandparents, bringing me to Friday night dinner and pretending to cringe over how cute his family thought we were. Let me repeat this: he had a fiancee at the time. Not just that, he had a whole string of girls on the go. If there was one thing he was really guarded about, it was his phone... also his daughter, but that wasn't weird. The phone thing was weird. I mean he literally wouldn't let me touch it. I thought it was just down to his whole app development thing, like wanting to keep his ideas secret... then he was in the shower, and I answered a call. Turns out he'd been seeing someone else, as well as having a fiancee. I'm not going to go into the details because I don't need to. Just know that as soon as I tugged on that thread, you don't even want to know how much this whole lie of a life I had been living unravelled. He'd talked endlessly about how much he loved and missed Anya's mom, and it turns out he'd only met her one time. One time! Everything was a bare faced lie. I know it sounds like I just got played, and I did. But I can't explain eloquently how much he had everyone going. I have four incredibly overprotective brothers, and all of them trusted him and thought he was legitimately obsessed with me. I thought his only flaw was being more into me than I was into him! Imagine thinking you're madly, deeply in love, only to find out the person you're in love with is a total fiction. He was playing a role. I know this because as soon as I confronted him, the role evaporated into thin air and I saw him as he really was for the first time. He laughed in my fucking face. You want to know what his exact words were? "Can't believe how long it took you to figure it out. Can you make sure you take all your stuff with you? My wife'll be home soon."  Tumblr, you don't have to believe me. I really, truly, deeply wish that it wasn't true. But please stop posting about this absolute asshole like he's the best thing since sliced Jesus, because he broke my heart. TAGGED:  personal, noah solomon, rant ________________________________________ ________________________________________ FRIDA 2 GO HUR ________________________________________     "Oh my god, Noah is such a creep. You know he actually asked me out once? Like, not even as a joke? It's like, has he even seen himself. Does he even know who he is, and who I am, more importantly. Like I would go out with a mathlete. Of course I told everyone about it, and literally laughed in his face. He must get off on humiliation for even daring to look my way. Ugh, makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. He probably has a shrine to me, even now." KELLY THOMAS, 2005.     "I fucking hate Noah Solomon. High school was a period of my life defined by bad life decisions, so the only good one I ever made was shooting him down in front of our whole class. The worst decision was fucking marrying the asshole. But it's that classic story, isn't it? Class geek becomes the superstar entrepreneur, slobbering former jocks cleaning his car for small change. I'll admit I was smitten. Though he remained as dorky as fucking ever on the inside, Noah grew into himself... the beard helps. I thought he was hot. And yeah, obviously his wealth made him hotter. But he made me sign a prenup, and I got absolutely fucked by his lawyers in the divorce. After the humiliation of being fucked by him. He cheated on me with girls he met on his own stupid app, with Anya's nanny, with the housekeeper... Jesus, I don't know who he didn't cheat on me with, the dog probably got a piece. Honestly, you'll think me a bitter old psychopath, but I think he planned the whole thing. I think it was all an elaborate ploy for revenge from when we were sixteen. He's a psycho, I hope he rots in hell. " KELLY THOMAS, 2014. ________________________________________ your name alexandra. play-by aaron taylor-j. your most recent work blaaah.