-- the way i loved you

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2nd APRIL 2008 PERGRAM, TENNESSEE      claire couldn't help but sigh dramatically. "freddie, we've already organised it all! you've had all year to visit your dad and you choose to go to new york on spring break?!" she had her bossy voice on. it wasn't intentional, she'd actually been trying to curb her bratty behaviour, but it was hard when freddie was screwing up her carefully planned spring break in a single afternoon. he already had that quietly stubborn set to his mouth, that told her he wasn't going to give in anytime soon. it was amazing that after a year together, she had picked up so much on freddie from his body language. he so rarely spoke his mind, but usually you could tell from his face what you were going to get from him, and today she knew she was in for a fight. claire hitched her backpack higher on her shoulder, a movement that would usually warrant an offer to carry it for her, but today he hesitated. the stubborn ass, she huffed, flicking her hair over her shoulder. "you can't just pull out now, freddie, you have a car remember!? we've already worked out the travel arrangements, and dylan's parents won't let him take their car anymore, so we need you." this wasn't exactly uncommon for the two of them to disagree. they were a pair of equally stubborn people, but this argument was lasting unusually long for them. at this time it had spanned about 7 hours and 8 classes and still no resolve in sight, he wanted to go to new york, she wanted to spend her spring bring at the lake with all their friends. neither was willing to compromise and neither was willing to go their opposite ways and spend their vacation apart. "i don't see why you can't just go in the summer? i could come too, we could have a proper vacation and do some site seeing and you could stay with you dad for longer then a week! i don't know why you're being so stubborn.." she pouted. it was selfish to say that he'd usually cave by now, so now claire was just repeating the same arguments she'd fronted him with during their morning english class and lunch period.      tagged freddie beaumont      notes retro!      music wind back wednesday

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Guilt ate at him, no matter how powerful his resolve. She was right, he made a bad judgement call, he shouldn't have waited so long to tell her he was going to New York, he shouldn't have agreed to go at all. They had made plans, not just the two of them, but with other people. People who had relied on him to haul them there and back. But this was important. Grace was going to New York, she wanted to see their father, she wanted to see the big city. The overprotective brother in him immediate jumped on it and refused to let her go alone. He definitely missed his father, but this was mostly about his sister. Even their mother had told him he was being irrational, that their father would protect the girl with his life, but still... There he was, a hand running through his already ragged hair, jaw clenched, silently brooding over the petite blonde's words. She was right, but the internal war was still tipped in favor of going to New York.   "Normally, I'd be right by yer side, I want t'be, but I've made an obligation that I gotta stick to. Can't ya understand that?"   Only his obligation to her, to her friends, seemed to fall secondary this time. Normally, he would've reached for her, grabbed the bag off her shoulder with one hand and wrapped the other around her waist, pulling her against his side while he pressed a kiss to the top of her head. This time... he wasn't doing any of that. This time, when his hands finished fussing with his hair, they were stuffed in his pockets, further displaying how closed off he was to the entire conversation.   "They're mostly your friends anyway. Maybe... it'll be good to spend some time with them without me tagging along."

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it was all she could do not to squeal in frustration and stamp her feet. by all accounts she had grown out of that kind of behaviour approximately 12 years ago, but sometimes that's what freddie drove her too. it was only rarely, but he had a habit of spoiling her so completely and conceding to her every whim so often that when he did dig his heels in she couldn't help but want to throw a tantrum. was that a healthy relationship? probably not, but they were still kids. his ability to spoil her yet still keep her in line was part of what she loved about him. his steely silence wasn't something she loved. it made her nervous, and her nerves made her angry. there was nothing she wouldn't tell him, no secret she wouldn't trust him with, but when he wouldn't share with her even the little things she couldn't help but be upset.      claire knew that the part that was upsetting her the most though was the fact that he was completely missing the point. the trip was less about her friends, vehicles and numbers and more about a chance of weekend together - alcohol laced kisses, sunkissed skin, lazy days on the shore and most of all zero parental supervision. and with every moment he maintained the stubborn set to his mouth and shoved his hands deeper into his pockets, her fantasies of a perfect, romantic spring break were dissipating by the minute. "the only obligation you have is to yourself," she pouted sullenly, arms slung across her chest, upset that his obligation wasn't to her. at 16 years old, he was her world, it stung that she wasn't his. "i want you tagging along..." she added softly, trying to tempt him "i love it when you tag along.." she teased in softer, sweeter tones, biting down on her lip, arguing wasn't going to get her anywhere, maybe charming him could turn the tables in her favour.      notes this is probably terrible      music triple j

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Even with his youth, Freddie wasn't as oblivious as most other guys their age might have been. He had grown up too fast, by no fault of anyone else - he had chosen to grow up too fast. He had taken the role of older brother seriously from the second he laid eyes on his tiny baby sister and from that moment on, he had aged himself much beyond his years. He knew when he upset her, he could see the transition through the day from excited to disappointed to frustrated to now... perhaps a combination of all three. He knew that his actions had consequences. This time, having to let her down was one of them. Yet, despite all of this, he truly showed his age by his roll of eyes and disconnect from her. Instead of offering sympathy, compassion, he was offering her... nothing. Excuses. He couldn't entirely own up to anything.   "In a perfect world... yeah, maybe, but everyone has obligations, Claire. I can't just ignore 'em."   He sighs, just another sign of his mounting frustration. He cared about her, he loved her, as much as any teenage boy could possibly love their high school sweetheart, but he had never been fair to her. From the day they started dating, Tara and Grace had continued to preoccupy so much of his time that it was more unfair than he realized. They went on dates, they hung out at school, they hung out between his shifts. To him, that was perfect. Then there were those times when Tara had her heart broken and he chose to console her instead of watch a movie with Claire. Or when Grace started going to after school clubs, he would post-pone their after school plans to drive her to and from. To him, these were just things he had to do. To her, they meant watching her be let down time and time again. Something that weighed heavily on his shoulders every time.   "If I could be there, I would, but no amount of poutin' or arguin' is gonna change that I can't. I'm sorry. Y'know I'm not doin' this to ruin your plans."

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She couldn't begrudge him his responsibilities, she knew that although she often pouted when he cancelled their plans or made her wait that it was really a side of him she should be thankful for. freddie was a southern gentleman, he never backed out on his word nor his promises. he put others before himself, he was chivalrous and selfless to a fault. a spoilt part of her wished that perhaps she was the object of such attention more then she was. she wasn't proud of her pettiness, but there was something about freddie's selflessness that usually brought out the best in her. today was not one of those days. when claire and freddie clashed, they brought out the worst in each other, which was just another aspect that she was not proud of.      God, she loved him, but he pissed her off so much. she knew he hadn't intentionally planned this, he hadn't planned this at all and that was half the problem. "fine." she said with dangerous finality in her voice. she wasn't going to change his mind, not when it came to grace, not when it came to his father. she chewed on her bottom lip, curbing words that she might regret later, knowing that she was never fair to him when she was in the heat of the moment. she let go of his arm, hitching her backpack onto her shoulder again. "have fun in new york" she chimed childishly.      notes this is probably terrible      music triple j

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Listening to her concede made him feel all that much more guilty. Not a single part of him viewed her as selfish or petty, he didn't see her as some immature girl stomping her feet, he didn't think poorly of her at all for feeling the way she was. Instead, he felt selfish, cruel, completely insensitive to her feelings. He hated that he hurt her and he hated that he was so unwilling to apologize for it. When the stubborn side of him came out, it was always with a powerful vengeance that he couldn't shake for hours, sometimes days. Hopefully, this wasn't one of those days instances because he really hated spending their last few hours together fighting.    He swallows and looks down at the ground, counting to ten before deciding what to say. An apology is on the tip of his tongue, he's almost ready to grovel and tell her that none of it mattered, that he would cancel all of the other plans he made and go with her. She deserved better than what he was doing. When he looks back up at her, his resolve has been reaffirmed, his jaw tight for several moments before he can manage to actually speak up.   "It's just one trip, you're going to have fun without me and we'll make up for it in the future."

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Her defeat left a bitter aftertaste in her mouth, like a mouthful of vinegar when she thought she was sipping sweet tea. loving freddie was like a rollercoaster ride, he was sweet and doting one moment, stubborn and dismissive the next. she hated that she loved him so much that she made excuses for all his shortcomings and she hated that he did the same. she wasn't sure if this was really what love was or if this was just one of many things that might one day lead them to a break up. they were so opposite, yet so similar in all the worst ways, she wasn't sure if they brought out the worst in each other or the best. who could be sure? today certainly wasn't their best behaviours.      But it only took a split second, before her pouting and sulking turned and she bit her lip as she listened to his words. she wasn't going to have fun without me, but the promise for the future sent shivers down her spine. she knew that their future held a lot of questions that neither of them were ready to consider or discuss, but a childishly hopeful part of claire always let her heart skip when lofty future plans were made. the idea of them both in the future, with successful careers, children and a picket fence made her smile. "i don't want to have fun without you..." she whined in a childish voice. "and i don't want to have to wait years to get you drunk and alone in a lakeside cabin" she teased, with a small grin catching the edges of her lips.      notes this is probably terrible      music triple j

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Instead of pulling her into his arms the way any good boyfriend should have, he frowned and continued to stare at her with the mild combination of confusion and frustration. In his mind, one spring break to a cabin with a bunch of people he didn't care about made no difference. He wasn't friends with them, he wasn't really friends with anyone else but Tara and Claire. Even then, he wasn't entirely sure Claire counted considering they were romantically involved. Everyone else in school were just people he occasionally passed by. The most contact he really had with anyone was when he had given a couple people rides home when it rained or they were too drunk after a party. He was that guy. The always reliable, quiet guy that sat at the back of the class and worried about being everyone's dad more than bothering to be their friend. So this trip, it didn't matter to him. Claire mattered to him so he had agreed to go without hesitation.  A smile almost found it's place on his lips, but it's gone before it can fully manifest. This argument, no matter how light-hearted she was trying to be, was going to drown him, the way all of them did. Even if they made up before they went their separate ways for a week, he would spend every day of that time dwelling on it. The way he said things, what he did or didn't do, why he felt the need to do it to begin with. That was the kind of person he was, fueling his own anxiety no matter how trivial it may have been.   "It won't be years. It's just one trip. We have the entire summer to spend together and that's not even two months from now."

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Summer seemed like it was a lifetime away. the few short weeks til spring break seemed to be dragging on for a lifetime, so summer seemed like an eternity. how could he even look that far ahead? but that wasn't the part that was annoying her the most. it started as a bubble, an irritated thought that seemed to spread and build as their conversation wore on, despite his usual moods that waxed and waned, he was never usually so dismissive of her. she could forgive him for his ignorance, a blindness that all men seemed to be affected by from time to time, but this wasn't just ignorance, this was blatant. her irritation turned to annoyance and that annoyance built into upset and that upset was evolved into an anger. every time he shoved his hands deeper in his pockets to avoid touching her, every time he turned his eyes from hers when she tried to meet them, and now in the way he frowned at her despite her sweet talk, despite her flirting.      She made a move to reach out to him, but he avoided her once again and her movement died mid air, the sweet, teasing voice that usually made him sway her way died in her throat and her heart sank from her chest to the bottoms of her boots. she was seventeen after all and despite her AP classes and bright wit, she was still a victim to insecurities, especially at the hands of the boy that usually dotted on her so eagerly. should she have applied logic to the situation, she might have come up with a different conclusion and ultimately saved them an argument, but all she could think of was all the possible scenarios where her red blooded, all american boyfriend wouldn't want to spend his spring break with her dressed exclusively in bikini's without an once of parental supervision. summer? he was blowing her off until summer? without a hint of regret or an ounce of hesitation. the insecurities that grip every 17 year old girl from time to time wound it's way around her heart and squeezed tight, making her almost breathless at the thought. "fine. see you next summer" she pouted, "and i'll find another way home." she added, hitching her backpack higher on her shoulder and stepping back, creating a space between them before she turned on her heel and hurried away across the school car park.      notes ugh why do you put up with my shit writing?      music jjj

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Another sigh, heavy with the burden he felt obligated to bare. On any normal day, he would have caved to her pouting, he would have walked away from the fight simply to avoid the conflict, but today was different. The were equally matched in this argument, both feeling their views were the most important. So he had to contain himself, keep himself grounded and shy away from the need to touch her at all times. If he brushed her cheek, kissed her forehead, grabbed her hand, then those tiny gestures would turn into a soothing caress and a swift mumbling of an apology and a promise that he would break any plans to be at her side. Wasn't that how relationships were supposed to go? He was sure talk of their future would sway her, convince her that this wasn't the end of the world. If they had a lifetime to make things right, what did one week matter? It didn't work and that left him clueless how to proceed. So instead of turning to his default apologetic state, he adverts his eyes and waits for her to steer the conversation once more.   Shit. That wasn't at all what he had expected her to do. Her words hit him right in the gut, startling him out of his concentration on the grimy tires of a beat up truck a few yards off. Being the dumb ( boy was he dumb today ) boy that he was, he doesn't have a comeback for anything she's said. He was torn between letting her go --- since he saw her as being overdramatic --- and chasing after her --- since she was Claire and none of that other stuff mattered when it came to her. Yeah, he had fucked their plans up, but how badly had he fucked things up between them? "Claire, stop!" His choice was obvious, but he wasn't sure if his efforts would be fruitless. He's making quick work of striding up a few feet behind her, just close enough to talk without having to yell. "C'mon, lemme give ya a ride home. Spring break ain't the end of the world. Ya really gonna hold this against me?" No matter how genuine his effort, he still couldn't process what the problem was.

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Unfortunately, while claire had inherited her mother's long legs and svelte frame, she had also inherited her father's eyes and her father's temper. that notoriously short fuse and fiery explosion that would smother her common sense and logic of any situation. it fuelled her negativity, and all the insecurities her high achieving had bred into her. she stomped across the car park, ignoring his calls, a whirlwind of angry thoughts rushing through her mind. why didn't he want to spend time with her? why didn't he like her friends? why couldn't he just do this one thing for her? didn't he love her enough? why didn't he invite her to new york? was he embarrassed by her? didn't he want her to every part of his life? why didn't he have the same drive she did to want to be with him all the time? her thoughts tumbled into a spiral of ridiculousness and pettiness, but she couldn't help herself. she was so used to having him cave, for him being that perfect gentleman that she couldn't begin to comprehend being told no.      Freddie was only a few paces behind her, still trying to capture her attention and talk her down. part of her was glad he hadn't just let her go, there was still some of the freddie she knew all to well, too chivalrous not to offer her a lift home, too sweet to let her walk away from their conversation upset and angry with him, upset at the idea that this little argument could come between them. she paused, letting him catch up but not turning to meet him, her eyes downcast, hands shoved in her pockets, giving him the same treatment that he had just offered her. "what, freddie? what do you want me to do?" she mumbled.      notes yuck      music mtv