cohen, holden t

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Suicide Notes .......................... To my brother, Ezra, It's taken my four pieces of paper to try figure out what to say. I've accepted the fact that there are no perfect or appropriate words to say I'm sorry. I could have been more there for you, in a time that we were both struggling to find identity, I was the one would should have stepped up to be there. I think growing up we both imagined that things would turn out differently. Maybe in our dream world we'd still be sharing memories and being idiots together. I wish that I hadn't been judgmental while you were trying to do the decent thing for mom - even if that thing went against beliefs that I thought we'd shared. For the record, I think you handled reality tv with a lot more dignity than any of the Kardashians. If I could do it again, I would have your back. I'm sorry. I know you'll be angry with me for a while. But maybe one day you'll forgive me and remember the better times - like when I pantsed you during middle school prom. Love, Holden .......................... To my best friend, Harper, I know things have gotten out of hand the past year. I haven't been the friend I promised I'd be. But please find peace in the fact that it never was you and the problem always had to do with me. Leaving New York the way I did was a desperate thing. I thought I could solve problems by moving, but in truth that only fixed things for so long. In some ways it was the best thing I could have done. I don't think you would have sought fulfillment the way you have if I had still been there. You're a force of natural and you need to know that I'm proud of you. So proud of you, I think about how well you're doing frequently. There's only one Harper Alcott. I'm sorry for being a shitty friend. And I'm sorry for leaving now, I think it's best. Know that I'm happier and be happy for that - even if it's difficult. Keep being the strong, fucking whirlwind you are. Good things are to come. Love Always, Holden .......................... To Katie, There are few things that I have been certain of, and one of them is you. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for this and I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. In a perfect world, I'd be with you. I've always loved you. You are my best friend, my best lover. I've always looked forward to you, you turned my world upside down. I wish I could have found the strength to hold you the way I wanted to or tell you how much I loved you. I was afraid of how toxic I felt. I know you'll feel like you could have changed this and changed me. Please know that this has always been the inevitable, this is how it was written and there's nothing you could have done to change circumstances. Don't blame yourself. You are one of the most special people I know, and have too much to lose, you can't afford to waste your time. Love Always, Holden .......................... To Penny, I know you've always felt like a messenger in the drama that our family has had to endure. You were young when it happened, and I think that you felt you became lost when everyone else was swallowed in both hate and sorrow. You need to know that you are our glue. You are the key to our family and our reminder that we are family. You are the strongest, kindest and most beautiful person I know. I am so glad to have you as my sister, please never doubt the power that you hold. I love you so much, Pen. I'm sorry for this. You will come out stronger. Love forever, Holden ....................................... Date of Admittance: October 21, 2016 "Patient has overdosed on Methamphetamines. Risk for reattempt is high. Patient unwilling to acknowledge communication." Date of Discharge: November 30, 2016 "Patient responded well to medication and actively took part in 4 week program. Released with promise of attending therapy weekly." Date of Readdmittance: December 15, 2016 "Patient has reattempted suicide by cutting wrists. Risk factor: high. Patient is unwilling to acknowledge communication." Date: January 2, 2017 "Slow progress. Is willingly taking medication. Unwilling to attend day program." Date: February 28, 2017 "Patient has made significant progress. Attending therapy sessions, taking medication, and regularly exercising. Fitting into routine. Would like to monitor further, as risk factor though low is still an issue. Scheduled for possible release March 6, 2017." ....................................... Date: March 05, 2017

ciara | nathan niehaus | san francisco