vice.com/article/nickkhan/i-asked-two-of-my-exes

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Over the last twelve months, I've had four girlfriends. Two significant ones, each lasting six months and then three months respectively, then the other two less than that. I understand this is a lot of girlfriends to have had in such a short amount of time, and that plenty of you are probably scoffing at the idea of me calling a three month long relationship significant. The conflict of opinion over this can be easily explained by one fact: I am a relationship addict. The word addict gets thrown around casually these days, doesn't it? It was actually my best friend, August, who first levied this accusation against me. He thinks I'm addicted to commitment, that I can't casually date without falling in love. I don't disagree that I fall in love easily, but an addiction? The Oxford dictionary defines addiction as "the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance or activity." Is being in love an activity? Could the chemical cocktail that makes me feel like I'm in love with someone be a substance I'm addicted to? A cursory internet search threw up only a few very sketchy websites, leaving me to do my own investigation. This meant one thing: sending those two exes a questionnaire so they could do all my research for me. In the interests of keeping things interesting, I also sent it to my current girlfriend, whom I've been seeing for two weeks now. ELENA, 3 MONTHS Elena and I were never very alike, most notably in the romance department. I'm a very affectionate guy and I'm all about PDA, about rushing to say I love you, the big romantic gestures most people gag over. Elena was definitely the kind of girl who gagged over them. Seeing as she was about as far away from a commitment-aholic as could be, I thought she would be the first person to agree with August's assertion. On our breakup she said she assumed I'd dated since, but also said that she doesn't think it's a problem. "This smells like August," caught red handed. "I've never thought about it without prompting." So what now that I was prompting? Elusive as ever, Elena really gave me no solid responses. Despite agreeing that our short-lived relationship was a significant one, and admitting that there was still some confusion over our break up, she had no regrets. "You're fine, Nick," she said, and even though it was a typed response to a generic questionnaire I could hear her sighing it. Needy of me to ask, I suppose. Though she didn't say anything to this effect, quite the contrary really, reading Elena's response made me realize something that I think is at the heart of the problem: it's very me-orientated. Despite big romantic gestures and copious outpourings of affection, my relationships tend to be all about me. CORINNE, 6 MONTHS Corinne has always been a difficult one. My best friend since childhood, when we made the decision to take our relationship to the next level it was the first time I'd treaded softly. Having said that, once I was in I was in, and despite the fact we kept it secret from most people, our relationship was probably the most meaningful I've ever had. Unlike Elena, Corinne is much more relationship orientated. So what's the difference between us? As she admits, "I enjoy the times when I'm single, but yeah, I do prefer sharing my life with someone." If I were to answer the same question I'd say something along the lines of, "I fucking love relationships, can't get enough of them." Again I'm struck by how unselfish Corinne's reply is compared to mine, by how she talks about sharing her life. I think that's the key difference in our approaches. Corinne has always been a total sweetheart, and an extremely easy person to fall in love with, even if you aren't like me. When asked what she'd say to my current girlfriend, she summarised me as being "flawed like any other, but also that you have a good heart. I'd tell her that she'll laugh a lot, that she'll have someone who speaks out for what he believes in, and who will be supportive of her. I'd tell her that though you can be stubborn sometimes, you do remember the little things that count, and also that you're a family man and an excellent cook." I mentioned that she's the sweetest person alive, didn't I? Here she's laying out in plain terms why someone might want to date me, despite my emotional incontinence. It's clear what she values in a relationship; support, laughter, strength of character, a good meal. I don't feel like I was those things to her enough, but that's besides the point - again, she's looking for a partner. So what am I looking for? If it's the kind of mutual support and companionship as laid out here, why do I move from relationship to relationship? When I think about the things I like in a relationship it's not so wholesome; sex on tap, getting to call someone my girlfriend, having someone I can devote my attention to and express my affection for. Of course if they're funny or kind or fun that's great, but I get those things from my friends. Maybe that's why Corinne and I lasted relatively long-- it was the first time I blended the two. PARIS, 2 WEEKS I met Paris at the airport, because I'm the kind of guy who'd think it's ok to ask a girl out at an airport and she's the kind of girl who didn't mind being asked on a date at the airport. Whilst I haven't said the big three words to her yet (even I won't do that until at least a month in) things are going good and I like her. I don't mind saying that here on the big bad world wide web. Still, I put to her what my exes had to say about me, for her reference. I pointed out that neither girl regretted dating me, but that Elena advises her to "Let him be the clingy one", and that Corinne thinks I "can move from attraction to attachment too quickly sometimes." What does she think? "It's a weird thing to get testimonials from ex girlfriends. I'm not bothered by your openness, or even how many girls you've dated in the recent past. I do think you're emotional and it does make me wonder how it'll pan out, but I'm trying not to think too seriously about this just yet." Nothing says casual early days of a relationship like having your beau write about you for a website, right? Asked if I have a problem, Corinne said, "when you commit too easily, you don't always allow the relationship enough time for the trust to develop that you would need when the rush of that new romance fades, and you're left to deal with the messier and more mundane sides." True. Despite my openness, I can admit I'm not great at followthrough on early promises. "I think love and relationships aren't always easy, and it doesn't have the chance to last unless you have that base and are willing to do the work to keep it going." In short, I think it's fair to say that my attitude to relationships isn't a wholly healthy one, even if I don't think it's an addiction. Speaking to Elena and Corinne makes me think I fall somewhere between them - I enter relationships more seriously than Lena does, but I don't approach them as a partnership the way Corinne does, and as a result they're not built to last.  Still don't know why I'm so fucking needy, though.