Khan, Freya E

[Deleted]

freya elizabeth moreau-khan twenty-five . newbury native . brooklyn living . social worker by day . psychology student by night ________________________ the cycle of abuse tension building: stress begins to grow from the pressures of daily life, or other points of conflict. The victim may attempt to reduce tension by complying with abuser. incident: verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse(in our case, all four) occurs. This includes anger, intimidation, threats, and other forms of abuse. honeymoon: the abuser apologizes, shows remorse and often begs for forgiveness. They may shower the victim with love and affection, and promise that the abuse will never happen again. calm: the relationship enters a period of calm, where the abuse stops or slows. The abuser may continue to ask for forgiveness, or make positive gestures, but these tend to reduce in sincerity over time. repeat the love of my life All those quotes about having children are true. I hated being pregnant, but the moment my daughter was born I was deep in love. I had more butterflies flying around than I've ever had with any boy. They've never let up either, every time she's around I'm so dizzy with affection. Naila made life bearable and worth living. She gave me a reason to not only wake up, but a reason to be happy. It might sound heavy, but on those dark days she gave me the will to live and continue. I'm always paranoid about raising her like a best friend rather than my daughter. Like you always see those out of control kids and their mothers are crying after them - confused why their kids are so rotten. I've never had to discipline N, she's never thrown a tantrum or gotten into trouble. She's the most mellow kid... I'm holding my breath for the day she goes off like a bomb. In short. She's perfect... but ask in five years if I've fucked up yet. wiping the slate clean I hate to say it, like I really hate to say it. But I have pitied myself more than once of these past few years. It's embarrassing because I've never been that type of person. I was always the kid who fell and pushed myself right back up. Scratches and bruises, I never cried. My poor mother thought I didn't feel pain. I have always been a strong person, until I wasn't. When it was happening, I kind of felt that I liked being a victim. Of course that's fucked up and not actually true. But the state of mind I was in was confusing. Even when it was over I wallowed. I grieved so much over an impossible and toxic relationship; when I look back on it now, I'm looking at a different person. It was like when I was married to Rafi, I climbed into this pathetic, miserable, self pitying woman. My therapist suggested that I focus the energy I use hating past-me to better future me. It sounds easy, but it's not easy at 3am when your thoughts turn darkest. But I'm trying. I told Nick in 2017 that it was the year of... oh fuck, what was it. Self-discovery, or focus, or just a year of trying? Something like that. And it was the year of us (Naila and I). We moved to New York, I got a job, started a career (night school - it's a start), and I definitely was more me than whoever I have been for most of my twenties. I feel like I've already hit rock bottom, so there's no where to go but up. Right? Even if it's a slow incline. nick As time passes I'm feeling slightly more flowery. It's a slow bloom. More like seasons within years than weeks within seasons. Brighter as each day passes, that shadow of pity shrinking. I think I owe a lot of my recovery to that voice that says, "you can do it", and that also literally picked me up from rock bottom. Not really an angel on my shoulder in a metaphorical way, but an actual angel dressed in a mustache and a bro-ish wardrobe. If I were ever to win any sort of award (unlikely), I'd probably thank Nick first. Thank you Nick, for digging me out of a mess I surely would have died in. Thank you Nick, for encouraging my move to New York and to helping me enroll in school. Thank you Nick, for subbing in as dad when Naila's real dad sucks. Have I mentioned I'm trying to count my positives rather than negatives? I count Nick five times in my list, because apart from my Naila and maybe my parents (mostly out of requirement), I am most thankful for Nick. I almost feel responsible for him, and not in a pitying kind of way but more in a nurturing and affectionate. As he has become my rock in so many ways, I think it's only fair that I try to be his. Though I know he has good friends (more like great), I fucked up his family. I think it's right that I step up in that department, though I think it would have happened regardless. Nick's always been the easiest Khan to get along with, I know he's a forever thing. schedule 7am be woken by Naila crawling into bed. Whine a little about how early it is but get up anyway. 7:15am be pressured into letting 5 year old dress herself. Regreat it immediately when child emerges in a tutu and rain boots. 7:30am breakfast - oatmeal and berries 8:30am drop Nail at school 9am work at Mount Sinai Hospital 12pm brain almost implodes due to stupidity of coworkers 3:30pm "I literally cannot wait to finish my PhD" 5pm pick up Naila from after school sitter 6pm surprise! I haven't had time to pick up groceries. Nick's for dinner. 7pm thank Nick profusely for babysitting Naila 8pm class at NYU, accompanied by coffee 11pm fall asleep on sofa

ciara . vika bron . resident