tessa jennifer wilson née brown
- twenty-nine , queensland , international aid & development workerLittle girl and big dreams. When I was small I built a world with my brothers. We didn't live in a town or a city, we couldn't get cable. We had miles of hills and our imaginations. We thought we could be anything and when you think you can be anything you just go for it. Tyler wanted to be a cowboy, and Terry a firefighter, which I think are things boys typically want to be at some point in their lives. I really wanted to be a superhero and up until a few years ago, I thought I was doing an okay job at being one. My little girl dreams felt impossible once I left my imagination and came to New York. I think at some point we have to let go of the imaginary and grasp at reality. I just didn't expect reality to be so shit.
A Milli - Lil WaynePlayed during a formal my sophomore year of university. I had a close group of female friends that year, who I've now mostly fallen out of touch with. We had this ridiculously perfectly choreographed dance to this, complete with a lot of hand movements and funny faces. Everytime I hear this one I can't help but busting out a move. My heart hurts just remember how hard we laughed out ourselves.
Don't Go Breaking my Heart - Elton JohnTristan and my first song. I'm not an outwardly gushy person, even a wedding was a stretch as far as PDA goes. So I chose this because it was so light hearted we could have fun with it along with everyone else. Funny enough, as cringy and cheesy as it sounds, when we were lipsyncing and flailing around to this it felt like we were the only ones in the room. No one could make me smile as bright as Tristan did. We were both grinning so widely I thought our lips would split. Ironically enough, we did go breaking hearts.
Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic ZeroesA song that dominated my playlist when I first moved to America, it has a feeling of nostalgia and loneliness with it. Though what stands out more, is the fact that this is always what I sung to Forrest to get him to fall asleep. I know all the words, so it worked better than any lullaby I didn't know. Now when I hear it I just get sad. How silly of me to relate home to a place when home was more who held that place. Home is a person.
Classic Murray Hill 2 bedroom apartment with 1.5 baths featuring great closet space, large rooms, high ceilings, soundproof windows, built-in shelving, and French doors. Modern bath has a glass-enclosed shower. Windowed kitchen has Viking appliances and a Bosch washer/dryer. The apartment has been remodeled and restored to create 2 true bedrooms with classic prewar touches throughout.
In other words if you're going to spend 75% of your day enclosed, this is the way to do it for just over $1.5 million. And for New York, that's cheap.
My lovely, handsome Forrest,
Mommy has gone away and it doesn't have anything to with what you did. Sometimes mommies or daddies need to go away for a while. Sometimes daddies need to stay to help you grow. I love being your mommy and I will always be your mommy, I'll always be with you in your heart. But I've had to go away and find my place in the world, I have to find what else I am. I know this may not make any sense right now, but I know one day you'll understand.
Remember that I love you and that I'll always be thinking of you.
Love, Mommy.
Tessa and I were neighbours before we were friends. I remember thinking that she always looked like someone filled her water bottle with vinegar. When she addressed her little boy she was soft and sweet, you could tell she was a natural mother and she loved him as a mother should. But when I saw her by herself (which was rare, she was always with Forrest), she looked like she was thinking hard about a grudge.
I was right about that. When I started spending time with Tess, it became clear that she was a very unhappy woman. Though it took almost a year of knowing her to understand why she was depressed. I think she felt as though she married a lie and was living a false identity. I remember her with her head in her hands and saying, "this just isn't how I imagined it." I don't think she imagined being a family woman. She wanted to travel, and to do more good than sitting around minding her kid.
As a mother myself I so judge her for leaving her son. I could never abandon my own baby. But then again, I'm aware depressed people are selfish people. I don't blame her for leaving Tristan. You know I only met Tristan a year into them living in that condo? It was a weekend and even then he was in a rush. He always showered his family in love when he was present and I think that's why it was so difficult for Tess. A man who she loved when he was around, but he was barely around to accept that love. I'm divorced, so I understand difficult men. I always assumed Tristan held girlfriends on the side, but I'd never tell Tessa that. That'd break her heart.
Tessa was just an unfilled woman. I won't lie that I encouraged her to leave Tristan, but I never though that she would just disappear.
- Rebecca Macloed
It's been eight months and two weeks since I left my family. Forrest is almost four, I don't know if I'd recognize him. Babies change in such an amount of time. I thought I would miss him less than I did. Does that make me a bad person for thinking that or a good person for feeling that miss? I thought it was the right thing but now I just feel like I'm a bad person for doing it. But then maybe it was the right thing, maybe I needed to leave in order for things to move forward and to realize how good I have it.
If anyone asks what I did in the first seven months, I think they'd think it was silly. Silly is a kind word. I worked on farms in Columbia, they'd probably more think I was a dumbass white girl. But I needed that community, I needed that sense of importance that you can't find in New York. I think for a while New York was the centre of the world and now my mind has been realigned, I see the smaller people again. I've never been a selfish person, I don't know how I've become so selfish these past four years.
I've been back for over a month now, working in a small office for a small non-profit company. I don't make much, but that isn't the point and that's never been the point. I've been scared to go to that area that was home. When I'm in Manhattan I get such anxiety that I'm going to run into Tristan or both of them together. I'm afraid of the look he'll give me. It was there when I left but he mostly thought I was joking. But there was that small percentage of him that looked like his heart was being ripped out. And I really don't know what I'll do if I see him with his heart hanging out. I'll run, maybe.
Going back is inevitable. I'm a bitch for leaving but I'm even more of a bitch for staying away.
