Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2018 7:05:21 GMT
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signatures  the light of my life   "What can I say without sounding like a cliche? It's true what everyone says, you've got no idea what being a parent is like until it happens to you. Honestly? I didn't know what being a parent was until my wife left me. Not that I knew that ahead of time. I thought I was a great dad, Forrest worshipped me, he used to light up when I came home... that's not being a parent though, that's being a buddy. The last few months have taught me that. Forrest is a fucking nightmare. He talks back, he can't sleep alone anymore, he won't eat his veggies and he knows how to hurt me. How could a child know how to hurt me better than a fully fledged adult ever could? I guess it's because he's a chip off the old block. It's true, you know, that you don't understand unconditional love until you've had a child. I thought I loved my wife, my mom, my step dad... I do, but it's nothing on what I feel for Forrest. I'd literally kill someone just for making him cry. But I can't. These last few months have been the biggest struggle of my life by far, but I'm grateful for them, because now I know my son and he knows me. Before we were buddies, zoo partners, wannabe basketball players. Now we're father and son, adversaries as well as best friends, at each other's throats as much as we're besties. I love him so much, I need him as much as he needs me, but I get it now-- I'm his dad. He needs me to be an asshole, he needs to be reigned in. Let me tell you, it's always sweet getting a hug from him, but getting a hug out of him after I've told him off? It's enough to make me want to cry. It's so fucking hard being a parent, but it's worth it. I don't know how Tess could have walked away." ... and the darkness  THINGS I MISS - her wicked sense of humour, her perfect body, her laugh, the incredible way her skin always smelled, the trail of perfume she'd leave in her wake, the warmth of her body against mine in the morning, her brilliant mind, her seemingly never ending ability to keep a conversation going, her generosity, her lips, the way she panted my name, how much my mom loved her, how much my son loved her, the soft sound of her singing as she walked around the apartment, her ridiculous accent, her cooking, her smile, her kindness, her softness, her humanitarian work, the way she'd inspire me to do better, to be more, her ability to charm anyone who spoke to her, her legs. more than anything i miss being able to look back on our wedding day fondly, it was the best day of my life and she took that memory from me. THINGS I DON'T - her moodiness in the mornings, how well she knew how to rile me, her messiness in the kitchen, her sulking, her ability to turn forrest against me, her tendency to imitate me when i said something stupid, her sarcasm, her bluntness, her backseat driving, her commitment to expensive scented candles, how easily everyone falls in love with her, how easily she fell out of love with me.  After two months of total despair, I found myself milling around a launch event, whiskey cocktail in hand and a fixed smile on my face. News of my situation at home had spread around the office and I could see it in all their eyes, the sadness, the pity they felt for me and especially for Forrest. Sincere though they were, it made my blood boil. How could Tessa have put me in this position? Every day found fresh challenges that I hadn't thought of, from making Forrest's favorite breakfast to trying to remember where we keep the spare batteries, and now this. The sting of public embarrassment, the degradation of having my team look at me and see me for what I was: a shell of a person. I know everyone thought I cheated on Tessa. Surrounded by beautiful young women, many of whom flirted outrageously with me through ambitiousness or plain tipsiness or I don't know what, I'm man enough to admit it was tempting. As my wife would be happy to tell you, I work away a lot.. or I used to. Brand trips, conferences, meetings in LA... Tessa seemed to think they were vacations I was taking with a horde of twenty-something babes, but it's fucking hard work, I didn't want to be away from my family so much. But yeah, the opportunity to cheat was there, but I didn't take it, not once. Sophie was one of the ones who kept things professional. Even drinking in a bar on the beach in Thailand, half cut, she would ask about my wife and son, always rolling her eyes at the antics of her coquettish colleagues. When she came up to me at that launch event, I fully believe she simply wanted to see how I was. It was me who suggested another round of cocktails, who wanted to get out of there, who dragged her to that hotel bar and finally, that hotel room. It should have been satisfying, finally getting to have some fun. It wasn't. It wasn't even a distraction, I felt so awkward as she started undressing, I didn't know where to look. Even with her warm skin against mine, smelling of a Le Labo fragrance all the girls in the office wear, all I could think about was Tess. It felt wrong, like trying something on that doesn't fit you at all. Eventually I accepted that it wasn't going to happen. Honestly, if I showed you a picture of this girl you'd have me sectioned, I don't know how I couldn't. But I couldn't. Sophie was my best friend at work and she's barely said a word to me since-- I hold Tess responsible for that too. I'm very proud to say that Forrest's favorite book has always been Where the Wild Things Are. His mom and I have had to read it so many times we can recite it from memory, I can't tell you how many times I came home from work to the sound it being reading it aloud. Though we didn't do much reading those first few weeks, about a month after she left I decided it was time to start trying to find our new normal, and that started with the book. Forrest wasn't as excited to hear it as he usually was, but he was open to the idea of pretending we were okay for a while. As many times as I've read that book, this reading was different. Specifically, one page was different. My heart sank to the pit of my stomach as I imagined Tess reading it and how much it must have resonated with her, how much she must have seen herself in Max on his little boat. I'd always loved Max but I hate him now, hate his smug little face as he sails away from the wild things... We don't really read that book anymore.  |
lex | will chalker | resident |