. only just begun

[Deleted]

Stood next to one of the biggest, most ornate Christmas trees he had ever seen in his life, Julian wondered if it was too soon to go back outside for another cigarette. Given that he had returned from the cold a mere five minutes ago he assumed it probably was, but boy, did he want to. Though his tux was tailored to fit him perfectly, he felt deeply uncomfortable, gripping the tumbler of whiskey in his hand with such force that he was concerned it might smash into his palm. At least then he'd have an excuse to leave. A girl he had gone to school with was animatedly talking at him, oblivious to his lack of interest in going down memory lane, her pretty brown eyes wide with surprise that he was there, his features fixed in a forced and unconvincing smile. "But you never come to these things!" she had said, and she was right. Conversations like this, people like this, surroundings like this... despite growing up with it, Julian detested it, and wished he was alone in the bar downstairs from his apartment. There are plenty of familiar faces in the room, most notably the hosts, Athena, Caesar and Cassius. He'd nodded at the latter, smiling a little at the mild look of surprise on Cassius' face, watching as he whispered something to Piper. There were statuesque blondes as far as the eye could see, and he'd spotted Aisha and Tate having a whispered argument by an eight foot nutcracker, and even the notably brunette Charlotte, looking more like her mom than ever before. There were people from school, like Cassandra here, then there were clients, distant relatives of his own, people he remembered from his father's poker nights growing up. There was one face he had yet to spot, and it was the one he yearned to the most... despite appearances from her parents, cousins and friends, Athena junior was nowhere to be seen. Even in this room full of beautiful women in floor length gowns adorned with sequins and silk, he knew that if she was here, she'd have stood out enough for him to spot her straight away. Maybe she was wearing a disguise. Maybe she had decided not to come. Unfairly feeling stood up, Julian excused himself, heading to the cloakroom. "Here, thanks," he said, handing him the numbered card and a $20 bill, drumming his fingers on the counter as he waited for his overcoat.

[athena mccarthy]

Athena has trapped herself outside the entrance. With a hand rolled joint perked between freshly manicured fingers, she's found what she thinks to be the most interesting people at the party – the help. A young man pulls his uniform tie loose and stretches his fingers through his hair, explaining that he has no clue why he's even in school – he hates his major and he's in too deep to backpedal. Athena grimaces and tells him that she hated school too. That she hated the track she was going down until she took a sporadic route, that now gets paid for something that doesn't feel like a job. Her eyes are heavy and she giggles a bit, maybe he could start a podcast about how dispassionate he is about his major in physics. Millennial problems are hot right now. It's not that funny but the weed and girl in the velvet crimson dress make them laugh. Her phone buzzes and she glances down at it. There's two texts that say “where are you?”, one from her mother and the other from Aisha. Tugging at the bold plunge of the strapless dress, Athena takes one last hard suck on the joint and holds it in as she passes the rest off. She coughs her goodbyes and disappears into the building. The beachy blonde catches her reflection in a mirror on the way in and fixes her loose waves to one shoulder. She shrugs off her camel coat and struts her long legs forward to the coat check. A familiar shape leans off the counter. It's the same familiar shape that stood up at her last live show. Athena leans over the marble counter top and cocks her head at Julian. “Hi,” her pillowy lips pull into a cheeky smile. “Are you coming or going? You can't be going.”

[Deleted]

Distantly, the Carol of the Bells begins to play. Not one for saccharine show tunes, it was one Christmas song that Julian rather liked, its ominous churchiness stirring something of a reaction within the usually apathetic man. It's not enough to make him linger, though, not as his heavy wool overcoat is being handed to him by the pimply teen manning the cloakroom. It's an hours walk from The Plaza to his Meatpacking apartment, but it's one he thinks he'll make, enjoying the weather and the opportunity to clear his head. Before he can leave he wonders if he ought to say something to someone, to his mother, or Cassius, anyone. It seems rude not to, but somehow rude to do so, like he was announcing his boredom. Before he can come to a clear decision, a familiar voice floats from across the marble. It's as familiar and as warm as the first mulled wine of the season, and the rich crimson of her dress echoes the drink too. Julian smiles. "I've done my time, I'm afraid," he says, stepping to one side to let an irate lady check her coat. Instinctively he leans down and kisses her cheek, nodding politely at her dress. "You look beautiful." He had repeated this gesture with multiple women this evening, so much so that it felt strange to actually mean it. It was hard to look at her, harder even than it had been at the podcast. In that auditorium he had found it easier to hold on to his anger, to let bitterness reign. In this environment, one they had battled together for so long, and with her so tantalisingly close... he wanted to be mad, to be rude, to be dismissive, but he couldn't bring himself to. Better just to leave. "Please tell your parents they've excelled themselves, and extend my apologies that I couldn't stay longer. I really am sad to miss out on the festivities."

[athena mccarthy]

Athena had spent most of her day preparing for the McCarthy Christmas Party. It was her and her mom's yearly tradition to have a morning at the spa, having their faces and bodies massages and their nails clipped and painted. While the mother and daughter duo usually arrived together as well, Athena had a last minute fuck up on the recording end of her and Nick Khan's podcast, so was arriving fashionably late and barely put together. Not that she needed much - a twist of a curling icon and a quick bare faced neutral smokey eye and Athena was ready for the runway. She pushes her coat toward coat check with a smile. "No you haven't," a cheeky smirk takes hold of her attempt at a pouty face. "Do I?" The blonde does a slow twirl, a too expensive diamond bracelet reflects the chandelier above and her hair falls gracefully out of place. Athena's could charm her arch nemesis and make even the most unlovable person feel adored. She shakes her head at him, "oh, don't be sad! You're not missing out." She takes the ticket from coat check and hands it to Julian, "can you hold on to this for me?" Before he can deny her, she slips it into his pocket, "come on, at least two drinks."

[Deleted]

Julian adjusts the glasses he'd only started wearing a few months ago, glad for a prop to fidget with. He felt like a fraud in his Tom Ford tux, but Athena wore the Plaza aesthetic well, the thick velvet fitted to her curves as though she was born wearing it. Glossy locks fell around her shoulders with effortless glamour, her cheekbones catching the light and her tanned skin making her look almost at one with her golden surroundings. He knew that to strangers he must look similar, that they were often considered a handsome couple. But somehow it felt fake when he did it, like every second he spent in this penguin suit a portrait of him was rotting in an attic. He didn't feel much more belonging when he slummed it, what with his Ivy League education and pretentious name, but at least that felt honest. In a dingy bar no one looked at him twice, whilst here, they looked at him and mistakenly saw a reflection of themselves. Of course escape is starting to seem unlikely. "Only if you don't mind going home coatless," he said, not moving as she slipped the ticket into a silk lined pocket. "I've had at least two drinks, you're late," he said, in clipped tones that sounded depressingly like his father's. Carol of the Bells has given way to Andy Williams' Sleigh Ride, and he feels like the soundtrack change was inspired by her aura alone. The jaunty tune fits her perfectly, her beaming expression making his seriousness seem silly, as it always had. Teenage pictures of Julian were comically gloomy, all with the exception of those that included Athena. Suddenly, he would be all dimples and laughter, a version of himself reserved solely for her. "One drink."

[athena mccarthy]

"Oh, Jules!" she says softly to his stern voice, her palm reaches for his cheek and she pinches gently, "don't be so strict, Mr. Buchanan!" She thanks coat check a bit too graciously and glances over her shoulder at a mirror to make sure she was acceptable looking. "One will turn into two and then three, then four, then floor," she looks over her shoulder at him as she walks away, her eyes expecting him to follow her lead. These McCarthy parties had gotten slightly more ridiculous as the years went on. They grew more lavish and she began to know less people. While a family event at first, it had gained more than a few strangers as she years passed over. People who knew her and who she didn't care to act like she knew them in return. She passes a bored waitress and swipes two glasses of champagne, "this doesn't count," she passes one to Julian and sips at the other. "Caesar promised me reindeer, and I swear if there are none!" she makes an empty threat. Athena gazes at the crowd, her heels rising as she presses onto the tips of her toes and looks for the most familiar face. There. She catches them. Cassius McCarthy with a plate full of h'orves and Piper nodding politely at a stranger's conversation. "Guess who?" she clasps her hands over her father's eyes and grins, passing a wink over to Julian. "That couldn't be... oh daughter of mine?" she removes her hands and he turns to pull her into a hug. Releasing hesitantly, he holds her shoulders and looks into her exaggerated pupils. "Are you?" Her face turns serious and she nods, "oh, no no. Never for an event of such extreme prestige.. why? You want some?" They exchange similar grins, and Athena watches as her dad's eyes raise to Julian. "Oh, dad. You remember Julian?"

[Deleted]

Before he could think better of it, Julian handed his coat back to the amused clerk. Of course he wasn't leaving now. "I don't need a ticket, I won't be long," he said, waving it away, though he spied the boy slipping it on to the same hanger as Athena's. He didn't share the same optimism. Was that even an optimistic thought? Following her through the crowds, he felt intensely uncomfortable now, sure that everyone would be taking note of their reunion after so many years. "I don't like champagne," he says flatly as he's handed the glass, taking a long sip of it anyway. As engaging as he found Athena, being seen with her in such a public way caused him deep distress, the prospect of his name being on their lips making him desperately want to turn on his his heels and leave. Once more his escape plans are thwarted by a McCarthy, though this time it's Cassius. It was too much. Suddenly feeling like a teenage boy picking up his girlfriend for prom, Julian had absolutely no idea how to play this. "Mr. McCarthy," he said finally, shaking his hand firmly. Piper joined her husband, her beautiful face pulled into a bemused little smile. He'd forgotten quite how stunning she was. "Mrs. McCarthy," he said, leaning to kiss her on the cheek. "You look beautiful," he repeated, again meaning it. So as not to seem like he was hitting on her, he turned back to Cassius, his tone determinedly even. "My father is around here somewhere, he would love to see you. Mom too. They always love a McCarthy Christmas. Unfortunately I have to go very shortly, but I really appreciate the invite."

[athena mccarthy]

"Mmmm, neither am I," she takes a long sip, "I'm more of a tequila fan, to be honest." She watches as Julian backs into his shell, his voice steady and even. "It's quiiiiiite the event," she repeats and pretentiously sips on her flute of champagne. Piper loops her arm through her husbands, "we've seen them! They seem well, they're very proud of you. You've grown up, it's hard to believe. It doesn't seem like long ago that you two were building forts and having sword fights with pool sticks." The memory clicks in Athena's mind, "oh, do you still have that scar?" She remembers playing too roughly and splintering a pool stick over him. Though, she wasn't sure if her parents were aware of the event as the two of them had been so secretive about the trauma. They'd mopped the blood up with tissue and disposed of it and the stick in the neighbour's garbage bin. Her parent's attention is taken by a stranger and Athena steps off to the side. "Oh puppy, you look pale. How can we breathe some life into you?"

[Deleted]

Julian willed his parents not to make an appearance so as to avoid having to live through their shameless bragging about him and his siblings. Last time he had been faced by Athena's parents had felt so different, he was a tearaway, barely out of his teens and on the brink of losing control of his life. Now he was a lawyer, a fact he knew he should be proud of. Instead he longed to be that younger version of himself, the one who'd never be caught dead in a tux, who wouldn't drink champagne unless his life depended on it. The version of himself who'd be giggling with Athena out in the foyer, making fun of everyone walking past. He laughed briefly at Piper's memory, refusing to allow himself to think about it. "I still do that, just in courtrooms these days," he says with a smile, nodding at Athena's question. "I really ought to have had stitches, but you live and learn." God, if his parents could hear him they'd be so proud. Whilst he hadn't come close to the lofty standards set by his brother Tripp, Julian knew how to walk the walk and talk the talk, but he was relieved when the grown ups pulled away. "This counts as the one drink," he said, lifting the glass and downing it in one. Alone with her, or as alone as they could be in a room full of hundreds of people, he wondered why he'd followed her back in. Spurred on by his discomfort, he channelled it into strengthening his willpower. "It's been a pleasure Kitten, but I've really gotta go. If I stay here much longer I'll kill myself."

[athena mccarthy]

The little trip down memory lane isn't as nostalgic for Julian as it is for Athena. He's always been more serious than her, a personality trait that checked hers into place when necessary. Athena could be easily distracted and it was always Julian who pulled her back to her books. His study habits brushed off on her and she's sure she wouldn't have gotten her degree without his carefully executed study rituals. In return, Athena was playful. She had been good at bringing Julian out of his shell. Her sense of humour and pouty grin had pulled him into a state of bliss. Now it seemed that she'd lost that charm. Her stubborn ex-love is stiff and flavourless, exactly as his parents intended. She watches as he downs his drink. She's disheartened and decides not to fight him leaving. She nods and reaches in for a hug, "okay, don't kill yourself. Get home safe." She slips away and smiles, "I'm going to say hi to everyone and continue with these." Athena tips the rest of her drink into her mouth, "see you!"

[Deleted]

With Athena's toned arms around his neck in a loose hug, Julian is a little surprised by her lack of protest. Once upon a time she would have pouted until he changed his mind, pleaded, bartered and begged if she'd had to. But they had been kids, and he had been her boyfriend. What did it matter to her if he left now? Bothered and surprised that he's bothered, Julian weakly returns the hug, nodding. "Have a good one," he says finally, watching as the slipped back into the crowd, heads turning as she went. Collecting his coat from the attendant, who seemed vaguely disappointed on his behalf, Julian lit a cigarette as he stepped out of the grand hotel. Ignoring the doorman's offer of a cab, he started to walk down the familiar blustery streets, his back to Central Park as he walked towards his apartment or a tempting dive bar, whichever came first. As he walked he heard the distant sound of carol singers, saw a shabby Santa on a street corner. Every window heaved with gift suggestions and tinsel, every child seemed alive with the promise of advent... had he stumbled into an actual Christmas movie? If he went home and went to sleep now, would he be plagued by the ghosts of Christmas past? For once in his life, being Scrooge didn't appeal. Turning on his heels, he made a beeline back to the hotel, smiling at the doorman, grinning at the cloakroom attendant. "There you are!" his mother snapped, though he pretended not to hear, brushing past her. Grabbing two champagne glasses en route, it took him next to no time to locate his ex girlfriend, the bombshell making polite smalltalk with a man he didn't recognize. Julian cleared his throat. "Sorry to interrupt, but I have a message. It's from Buzz Killington, he's gone home and sent me in his place." He smiled at her, a genuine, wide grin. "Can you forgive me? I promise I'll be more fun."

[athena mccarthy]

She looks back and Julian is gone, swallowed up in the opposite side of the crowd. She half expected him to stay put, but Athena knows all too well that he's stubborn and likes his way. She's lost him and will have to bargain on fate to let them run into each other. Her night has lost it's excitement and she's disappointed. The people she's surrounded by are all hungry to make a good impression and the chat is pointless, no one is here to truly enjoy themselves. Athena's chest rises is a sigh and she heads to the bar to numb the impending small talk. The bartender has a candy cane in his pocket and is unbelievably cheery. Athena smiles and tries to make conversation, but the hoard of thirsty patrons distract him from her. He muddles together vodka, cinnamon, cranberry and ginger beer, then presents it to her as a Naughty or Spice. He doubles up the vodka and the first sip makes her tongue twist. It's then she's caught by Freddie Beaumont. Only she doesn't know it's him until he introduces himself. He's definitely handsome but like she thought - extremely young. Athena feels a bit silly leaning against the bar and listening to him try talk her up. She doesn't feel nearly as charming as she did ten minutes ago. But then there's a turn of events. The vodka burns her tongue as she sips at her drink, she slowly turns the ice in the rocks glass and replies to Freddie, "can you excuse me.. I have to use the bathroom." Athena fully intends to head to the kitchen and find the waiters, but she looks over and there's Julian. His smile is perfect as he grins at her, and the shock of it wipes the smile right off her face. "Oh my god, shut up," her eyes grow wide and she laughs. "What happened to you?.. did you find the waiters?"

[Deleted]

Whispers, imagined and otherwise, drift across the room as the two reunite. It wasn't that he didn't understand that their lives weren't that interesting to others, it's more that he knew just how uninteresting others' lives were, enough that even this measly morsel of gossip would spread around the room. Two ex lovers, childhood sweethearts, sharing a conversation at a gala. How riveting. He wondered if there were people in the room who knew more than they let on, not only tidbits from the podcast, but information leaked by their families. Did people know that they could have been parents? He assumed Aisha knew, and he knew that his siblings will have told their respective other halves. It made him want to leave all over again. But Athena smiles, and the desire dies on sight of those pearly whites. He's only vaguely aware of the glare he's getting from Freddie, pouring half the champagne from one of the glasses into hers, creating a bespoke cocktail. "Can you take this?" he asks Freddie, passing him the glass, genuinely mistaking him for waitstaff though he would recognise him if he looked hard enough, or cared enough. His brow furrows at her question, bemused. "What? No. I felt I owed you more tidings of joy. And you owe me some answers, I don't think you answered my question fully the other day. Do you want a smoke?"

[athena mccarthy]

Unlike Julian, Athena doesn't pay any mind to the opinions and thoughts of others. If she did, she would be a total wreck. Her family and friends had an understanding of her career choice, but others - especially those of an older generation - looked down on it. Last year she had stood and was talked to by a woman who voiced her opinion clearly - Athena was disgusting. Athena listened to why she thought such a thing, then laughed when she'd heard enough. In this crowd there were more people who thought of her poorly than positively. Sex podcast does not fare well on prestigious tongue. He dumps champagne into her glass and she grins, "mmm, hangover." Poor Freddie holds the glass for an awkward moment and then rolls his eyes, putting the glass on the bar and whispering a silent, fuck you, man, as he walks away. "He doesn't work here, you know. He's Aisha's future rebound!" She takes a fizzy sip of her drink and shrugs her bony shoulders, "sure, I'll have a smoke, but I don't know if I have answers." She takes the lead and pulls him out onto the cold patio. She immediately heads for the warm fireplace that stands in the corner. Her hand reaches into the bra of her dress and pulls out a joint. "I can't believe you came back, you're such a maniac," she laughs at the thought and bends down to hold the rolled paper to the fire. "Here," she takes a small drag, "it's candy cane flavoured."

[Deleted]

Though Julian devoured books like no other, he was not particularly astute at reading people. Studying Athena's face, he tried to see clues for her real reaction to his return, to his existence in general. He had seen that beautiful, room-lighting smile so many times, and he'd seen it fixed in place even at times he knew her to be miserable. It was an ability he completely lacked, his sullen features often reflecting exactly the level of distaste he was feeling. Downing his champagne, his eyes follow Freddie as he mutters under his breath, departing. As a teen he had started fights for much less, but now he could only grin. "Oh fuck, yeah," he murmured, watching the kid as he skulked off. "Beaumont. His dad's richer than my dad, hope he doesn't tell on me." Out on the patio, it's hard not to stare out at the vast expanse that was Central Park. Lights twinkled in the reflection of the water below, echoing the big candles in hurricane holders that were dotted around the patio. Tasteful, that's how his mother would describe it. "I'm a regular Steve-O," he said, painfully aware of how out of date his references were. He hadn't actually watched much TV since his teens, and even then he'd been made to by Athena. Laughing a little as she got out the joint, he shook his head at her, though he gratefully had a toke. "You're going to get kicked out of your own family production," he said, taking another deep drag before passing it back to her.