Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2019 21:22:53 GMT
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 "how do you do it? how do you avoid getting hurt?" If I had a dollar for every time Zara had asked me that question... it doesn't get any easier to answer. What she means is how do I avoid catching feelings, how do I go to bed with guys who don't text the next day or who're already in relationships with someone else. The going to bed with them is easy, to be honest. I think I was sixteen when I first realized how easy it was-- you don't even have to be very pretty, god knows I was a tomboy with a bad haircut and a worse attitude. But if you're direct with men, you get results. Tell a guy you'd like to fuck him and you can start the countdown to him being between your thighs. At least, that's how I've found it to be. The second part of the question is the bit I struggle with, and that's the bit that she really means. Of course Zara could fuck anyone she wanted, little Miss America. But she loses something of herself every time she does. I've tried to coach her into not caring, explained that men are trash and using them for their dicks is rightful retribution for the centuries we've been used. But she can't help herself, she'll get her heart involved, and that's her undoing. I don't know why I'm not like that. I like sex too much, maybe, or I'm too pigheaded. I really don't know. It frustrates me that more women aren't like me, because it creates problems for me that they're not - either people think I'm faking it, or worse, they see my attitude as a challenge. Man, I fucking hate that. No Danny PencilDick, you're not gonna change this fundamental part of my personality. Get a fucking grip. But I remember when Zara walked down the aisle. I remember how she looked at Joel, but more than that, I remember how he looked at her. No one's ever looked at me like that and I don't think they ever will. That stayed with me, that look. I envied it. I was so happy for her, honestly, truly I was, but I felt sick with jealousy. Then he shacked up with our baby sister and I remembered that men truly can't help themselves: they are trash." β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯  "It's a very hard thing to describe. Hearing that your ex boyfriend tried to kill himself, it has a funny way of leaving you speechless. Even me. I feel weird calling Holden my ex because we were never exclusive, not really, but it still was so real... we shared a life, we just happened to fuck other people sometimes. He made a huge impact on me, more than I realized at the time. The worst thing is that I wasn't actually surprised. Shocked to the core, because you never see it coming, you never think that today will be the day. But not really surprised. The signs were all there. Maybe that's what it was, the signs were so ever-present and numerous that it felt like it would never go that far, that if it was going to it would have by now. I still wonder what it was that pushed him over the edge that day. I wonder because I've never asked. I was supposed to visit him in hospital, I'd booked flights and everything. But I couldn't do it. Seeing him in a hospital bed with all the marks of his ordeal... it was too much to think about, and I pussied out. It's the worst thing I've ever done. I live in fear now of every unknown number that flashes up on my phone, of every time I lurk him on Whatsapp and see that he hasn't been online for hours or even days. I used to love his lack of interest in social media but now I hate it, because I want to know what he's doing, where he's at, how he is, all the time. But I can't ask, not after I fucked up like that. I wake up in cold sweats having dreamt that he didnβt pull through, or that he tried again and succeeded, it's really fucked me sideways. One thing's for certain: I'm never dating anyone ever again. Caring like this isnβt fun.β β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ π£ π π³ π¬ π― π¦ π± π’ π°  β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ SCHOOLMATE - "Zadie, ugh. Of course I remember her. All those Z-named Atwood girls, they were so annoying. The guys at school were always ranking them and arguing over which was the hottest, it got so fucking annoying. Zadie fucking loved it though. She acts like the ultimate cool girl, you know the type. Acts low drama, makes a big thing about loving junk food, hating girly things, being one of the boys. She was desperate for male attention if you ask me. Always flaunting herself, flirting with anyone with a pulse, fucking boys in the back of their cars and bragging about it. It was just all so cheap. She brands it up as some feminist statement, but I don't know how spreading your legs furthers the cause." BEST FRIEND - "Oh baby Z. We should all be more like her. Honestly, I don't know how she does it. Everything rolls right off her, her confidence is bulletproof. She doesn't give a fuck about much, I've never seen anyone care less about how she's perceived. It can be annoying, not just because she's brash and rude and can run roughshod over others, but because it gives people the wrong idea. She's the most loyal girl I've ever met in my life. She was the person who'd tell bullies to back off the weedy kids, cussing them out in front of everyone. She was fiercely defensive of her friends and family, still is. I think because she's so strong she feels some sorta obligation to intervene for those who're less so. I'm my best self around her, I couldn't love her more if I tried." EX BOYFRIEND - "I wish I could call Zadie a slut and move on. I mean, she is. I don't mean that in a harsh way, she's very proud of it. I can't get my head around her. I don't want to do her a disservice and say that it's all a front, because its' not, she really doesn't catch feelings the way other people do. But I don't know why not. There's some level of defensiveness in there, she's a commitmentphobe for sure and it goes beyond just wanting to be free. She's very scared of being hurt. There were moments she'd show vulnerability, but they were so fleeting you'd miss them if you blinked, and she'd double up the bravado for the next two weeks to compensate. It was exhausting. She's built up such a persona and whilst it was completely genuine once, she's backed herself into a corner - if she abandons it now she'll seem like a fraud, but it's stunted not to change. She's too stubborn for her own good." β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ . β₯ TOP @brothersbrewery POST OF 2018   "When my bff Georgina and I started up our digital agency, Thrive, I don't think she knew quite what she was signing up for. 'Cause I may be what she considers fun and chill outside of work, but when it comes to running a business? Oh man, I have such a hard on for Excel it's not even funny. Honestly, it kinda came about because I'd left Frisco without anything to go to, and she was working in some shitty temp job, lending a hand with her boyfriend Benny's brewery whenever she could. Then that sorta took off, and she asked me to help out with the social side of things, since she knows I've done a few business accounts before. Six months down the line, we've got 5 lovely clients and three girls working with us... I live in fear of us being sued for discrimination, because I love our little harem. Sure, some clients can be annoying. They either think they're social media experts 'cause they've got an account, or they're luddites and don't think they need one. It's fine, when the sales start rolling in they change their tune. I love my job." |
lex | charly jordan | visitor |