burn you up .

[Deleted]

Everything was steeped in a sense of unreality. This had been the case since the split, as his relationship with Athena was the only thing Julian had ever been certain about in his life. Stripped of that certainty, it had been easy for his parents to guide him to the path they had already laid out for him since birth, a small nudge had him taking on each responsibility like it was inevitable. As such, he had been able to almost sleep through his own existence, getting up each day like an actor eternally performing the same role. The problem was that this had gone on for so long, that actor had managed to forget who he was before he was cast. Not that Athena seemed all that more certain. Hearing her suggest that she would leave the podcast she so loved, that she wanted him back, that she had split with Jack... these were all normal and probably healthy life decisions, but Julian couldn't help but feel uneasy about them. If she could change her mind about those things, what was to keep her from waking up one day and deciding that, actually, maybe she wasn't into him after all? "Work really hard on for what? So we can pretend it's like the good old days? So we can maybe be happy, until we aren't and you get bored and drop me again? You act like it's so easy, but either way I'm being expected to perform."

[athena mccarthy]

Athena straightens up and fishes her fingers around the stems of the wine glasses. The tension was piling up and she felt her mind imploding from the pressure of it. She rises, her barefeet moving silently on the hardwood and back to the kitchen counter. Julian began to ask questions she couldn't find answers for. He brings up her short attention span and she rolls her eyes. She can never face reality when it gets hard and she's giving an example of her behavior now. She pulls another bottle of wine from the fridge and opens it, pouring herself a hefty glass and leaving his empty. “Why are you here?” she takes a large sip, “isn't this something you could have figured out by yourself? If you want validation, your mom can point you in the right direction.. since it's her approval your after.” She focuses on him for a second until pulling her gaze, “what do you expect me to tell you?”

[Deleted]

What was he doing? What was the point in abandoning everything and heading over here if all he was going to do was defend his miserable lifestyle to the one person who could make it better? Julian watches as she silently collects the glasses, wondering if he's about to be dismissed. It's unlike Athena to be quiet and it unnerves him. Was this how he made other people feel? He feels an urge to fill the silence with any possible thought, which is definitely something he had noticed other people doing when confronted by his boundless silence. He didn't much like this taste of his own medicine. Finally she speaks and she asks the question he had only just been asking himself. Not that he had managed to think of an answer. Watching her drink makes him crave more, something she must have known would only make him more reticent to engage. He hasn't answered her by the time she raises his mother's approval, and though he's keen to defend himself he doesn't take the bait. Too much of a lawyer for that. Instead, he gets up and follows, leaning on the counter opposite where she's stood. "You don't have a joint, do you? I need to quiet some of these thoughts in my head."

[athena mccarthy]

The air stills and it kills her. Her plump lips purse as he comes closer and she lifts her wine glass back to her lips - hiding behind it like she was going to be told off. She's preparing spitfire when he leans over the counter and opens his mouth, but can't help but grin at what comes out. “Give me a second.” She lifts a pretty wooden box from her bookshelf and sets it on the counter. Pulling up a chair, she opens the box and picks out a fluffy bud. This is what she needed. Not the joint itself, but the process of creating. It was the perfect form of fidgeting to keep her hands and mind busy. She places it in the shiny grinder - which looks more like an antique silver box - and moves it back and forth a few times. Pinching the remnants, she lays them on the paper. She rolls it tightly and seals it with a lick of her tongue. “Here,” she sets it in front of him and lifts a lighter from her box. “Shut your thoughts.”

[Deleted]

Somewhere deep down, the version of himself she knew best was stirring. Dampened down though it was by the anxiety and confusion he was presently plagued with, there was an increasing part of him that just wanted to get high, drink some wine and curl up on the couch with her, like they did when they were teens sipping his mom's expensive bordeaux. Of course Athena can provide, and he can't help watching her as her delicate fingers grind and place and roll the fragrant plant. "You've still got it, " he says with a grin, leaning over and taking a swig from her glass. The smell alone transports him back, making it easier for him to deal with the situation. As she flourishes a lighter he gets a waft of her perfume, something new that suits the more mature version of the girl he loved so much. "Thanks," is all he says, picking the joint up and going to light it. He goes to ask her if she wants him to step outside, but then remembers her nimble fingers disabling the smoke detector in his dorm room, the smell clinging to the two of them and everything else in that boxy little room. He lights and takes a deep inhale, holding it for a few seconds before steadily exhaling. "Better already."

[athena mccarthy]

She smiles at his remark and shakes her head. “I've actually gotten better. Feel how tight that is. It's pure,” she thinks for a word, raising a finger when she has it, "Architecture.” The process has chilled her out and for a moment, their conversation is put on pause. She sits back in her chair and polishes off her wine. “I've always been surprised you don't smoke more. You're really the perfect combination.. I like you normally, but it makes you silly instead of serious,” she takes the joint from him and holds at the inhale. “You know,” a grassy smoke pours from her mouth, “I think Suzy or whatever her name is, she'll be fine. ”

[Deleted]

He's easing into the situation now. Feeling his shoulders relax, and the tension he hadn't even known was there ease from his back, he feels more loose than he has in forever. Pulling up a chair, he slumps into it, passing over the joint. A short laugh leaves his lungs as she compels him to admire her skills and he nods his agreement, before dwelling on her question. The truth was that he associated it so strongly to times with her that he hadn't been able to maintain the habit, but he was sick of sounding so forlorn about their relationship. "Swapped it for a coke habit. Mandatory as soon as you start working in law." It wasn't actually true, though he had occasionally partaken. It had felt cliche. He starts laughing again as she gets Louisa's name wrong, incapable of feeling anything but mirth at this point. "Have you seen her? With those looks and that bank account, she'll land on her feet." It felt easier to talk about the consequences of his decision without admitting that he had already come to one. Exhaling heavily, he feels yet more tension ease out of his uptight body. "I think deep down everyone knew I would never be over you, even my mom. As pissed as she'll be, there'll probably be some relief in the inevitability of it all... If not now, I'd have wound up running away with you twenty, thirty years down the line." He grins at her, raising a brow. "However long it would have taken for you to stop acting up."

[athena mccarthy]

She crinkles her nose at him, “of course you did, posh boy.” She pours another glass. Her finger tips are starting to get number and soon enough, she'd be getting sloppy. Things were picking up and getting lighter. He was laughing at her instead of looking at her like he was a wounded dog. Had she seen Louisa? Of course she had. She was the perfect woman. Beautiful, tanned, freckles, smart. She'd been comparing herself and Louisa since the moment she'd heard about her and had her on Instagram. Athena smiles, knowing that she was always a worry on his mother's mind. While Juliet would have loved her when she was just a McCarthy, but now that Athena had racked up a resume she was out of the question. “My parents still love you,” she passes him the joint, “and I'm always going to act up, but I'll always love you too.”

[Deleted]

Just beyond the window the streetlamps splutter on, New York twilight creeping in earlier and earlier these days. If he didn't have a joint smoldering between index and middle finger right now he would be panicking, frantically checking his phone to see if he had somehow been rumbled. As it stood, he could shrug off any thought of where Louisa might think he was, aware of the fact that he could tell her practically anything and she would have no choice but to go along with it. Poor thing. He shakes his head at her assertion. "Parents never like me," he says, and if it had been anyone else, it would be true. Athena brought out a warmth in him that had extended to her parents, who no doubt struggled to place the surly man their acquaintances spoke of with their daughter's agreeable teenage boyfriend. She says she loves him and he stops dead, the words penetrating even his foggy mind. It's been so long since he heard her say it and it has an odd ring to it, a familiarity mixed with a complete lack thereof, like a familiar nickname uttered by a perfect stranger. The words get stuck in his throat, sentiment never having come easily to Julian. "I can't believe you just dropped the 'l' bomb."

[athena mccarthy]

Athena leans against the counter and her index finger twists a piece of blonde hair. She's feeling lighter and more playful, doubly loosening up as Julian does. Glimpses of their teenage selves manage to scratch through the grief and angst. The drink and smoke makes her feel less insane and more untied from the pressures of her life. She wants to bottle up this feeling and store it for future use. “Mine do. They ask about you all the time,” she defends him. Her parents did genuinely ask her about Julian. Piper and Cassius saw the good in him so clearly and they were as taken with it as she was. Whenever he came into conversation, her mother would say something like, that Julian, he's going to be special. I can just tell. Always the optimist. “Oh.. I thought I'd already mentioned it?” Athena pours herself another glass and splashes more in Julian's. “It's cold, isn't it? We should take a bath.”

[Deleted]

As Athena reassures him that her parents did in fact like him, Julian feels a warmth in the pit of his stomach that he hadn't felt for years. He had truly forgotten what it was like to care, about anything. Taking a sip of her wine as he passes her the joint, he takes a few seconds to get a grip of himself. He wants to text Cassius, to send Piper flowers, something. He makes a mental note to do just that after he takes Athena out on an official first date. Or should he do so before? It's not like he was asking her to marry her.... finally, a distant thought of Louisa wearing his grandma's engagement ring floats into his head, and he forces all thoughts of dates and weddings and flowers right back out of it. "I like them too," he says, laughing at he hears how stupid he sounds. Always with the simple statements. Athena reaffirms her love with a casualness that would usually enrage him, but now it makes his heart swell. He nods at her suggestion, slipping back into his usual mode of silence more out of contentedness than sulkiness, for once. Before he can stop himself, he leans in and kisses her softly, red wine stained lips meeting across the counter. It's a different kiss to how he had kissed her a few weeks ago, when all he'd wanted was to rip her clothes off and throw her down on her bed. Finally he pulls away, "Je ne peux pas vivre sans toi," he murmurs, reviving his old habit of lapsing into French when what he wanted to say was too embarrassing to say in English. Still, he forces it out. "I love you."

[athena mccarthy]

Slim fingers pinch the joint - which is getting short and slimy. She laughs when he says he likes her parents. It'd be hard not to like them, they were perfection. But she understands why he would like them. With a life full of people who expected and wanted from you, her parents were people who didn't seek personal gain. It was something that she'd always appreciated about them. They lacked judgement and were supportive, which made her a stronger person. Athena raises a palm to her cheek and rests her elbow on the counter. He nods and she's ready to hop off her chair and run the bath. But then he kisses her gently and her eyes flutter shut as she melts into it. It's warm and heavy, different than their kiss weeks ago. He pulls away and speaks in French, to which she leans back and smiles. “I don't... oh. I love you too,” she repeats after him, her hand warmly caresses his cheek and she presses her lips to his again. “Come, follow me. Do you want bubbles?” she slips her hand into his and tugs him toward the bathroom.

[Deleted]

The atmosphere in the room has loosened so much that it feels as though it's an entirely different place. A warm glow replaces the harshness of the earlier natural light, laughter is spilling from her lips where once only difficult questions had been. It was easy to pretend that everything was different, that they had never split up and that this was the place they had bought together, a place they had built a shared life. "My mom mentioned you too, by the way," he says with a wry little smile, thinking of all the times Julia had made some sly dig at his long gone ex. In fact, Julia talked about Athena more than she talked about her supposed favorite daughter in law, and almost as much as she spoke about her own daughter. Deep down, Julian felt that maybe she respected Athena in a way. After all, she herself was no weak, fawning wife... perhaps she saw more of herself in the golden girl than she would care to admit. He takes a sip of his wine. French had a comforting alienness about it, and the fluency taught to him by his mother made it an easy retreat. But what good was spilling your heart out to someone in a language they couldn't speak? In a way, they had spent their entire teens doing just that, Julian's affections expressed through action where Athena was so much more adept at words. Despite that language barrier, they had made it work. Being led by the hand, he slips his arms around her waist when they reach the bathroom, nuzzling into her neck from behind. "I want what you want, baby." He pauses, the image of Louisa smelling perfume on his skin entering his mind. "Nothing too fragrant."

[athena mccarthy]

Athena tips her golden head at the mention of his mother, “did she? All kind words, I'm sure of it.” If this were to actually happen, it would kill Juliet. Athena encouraged the wild in Julian, she wanted him to let go and relax. It seemed Juliet wanted him to be rigid and prepared for what may hit. Right now, she was that 'what'. Juliet was probably having nightmares about this. The warmth of his breath on her neck drives her wild. She leans back into him and lifts her head to kiss him again. The bath runs hot, the steam fogs the mirrors and makes her skin feel sticky. She pours a little too much bubble bath in and the bubbles begin climbing in soft white peaks. The faintest smell of sandalwood drifts into the humid air. “Close your eyes,” she kids, her fingers easing her lazy clothes off and her feet kicking them the direction of a laundry hamper. “Would you go grab the wine?” she asks as her feet dip in then jump out of the water. Too hot. She rests her legs on the edge of the tub and turns the cold faucet on.

[Deleted]

Julian leans down to kiss her, the din of water hitting the ceramic coated tub drowning out the distant sounds of city life below. In this moment everything felt different, it was as though a weight had lifted. Through the lens of a life shared with Athena, many things seemed so much easier than they had before. The job he loathed? Transformed into a tolerable passtime, somewhere he could while away the time, flex his skills, before returning home to the comfort of her. His mom went from an omnipresent dictator to a small source of amusement, his drinking a sociable hobby rather than a brewing problem. He had forgotten how bright it was to live in her light.  His request goes ignored as the room is filled with deep scents, a perfume that would be sure to sit on his skin. Oh well. Doing as he's told, he reluctantly parts from her, glancing over his shoulder with a sly smirk as she drops items of clothing to the floor. Returning with topped up glasses, he runs his eyes over her bare skin, heat rising through his body. "Here," he says, rolling up a sleeve and sticking his arm in the scolding depths to stir in the cold water. It hurts but he doesn't show it, instead leaning in and kissing her bare knee. "Should be ok now," he says, having dipped his numbed hand back in. "You're such a water baby, I'm surprised you didn't stay in LA and live by the beach."