burn you up .

[athena mccarthy]

Hot water rolls over her shoulders and Athena presses her forehead against the glass of the shower. Athena had spent her day in the same clothes she woke up in, dividing her time between Netflix and pouring over documents her lawyer had sent her a week ago. Reruns of shitty New York based sitcoms proved to be a good distraction against the chaotic mumbo-jumbo that sprawled across the sheets. She'd run over a few lines with a highlighter, wrote “explain???” in the columns and for the most part, called it a day. The water pushed her anxiety back but didn't wash it away, and by the time she wrapped herself in a towel, she was worrying about something else. The ring of the door made her jump and her fingers pressed against the buzzer, letting him in. She does a quick sweep of her apartment as she makes her way to her bedroom. She combs her papers into a neat pile, lifts a plate into the dishwasher and pulls her door close, but doesn't shut it. “Hi,”" she shouts when she hears the door open. She pulls a tank top over her head, “that wasn't half an hour.”" She expected him to be early, his desperation coming off urgently and as though he were already on his way when he texted her. Athena's tanned legs slip into a pair of pajama shorts and she pulls the scrunchie from her hair to her wrist. “Sorry baby, I haven't had a day off in forever,”" she presses onto her tip toes and reaches for the top shelf, “I thought I could get away with being a dirtbag.”" She struggles to find the wineglasses with her fingers, “are you okay?”" Grabbing a bottle of white wine from the fridge, she begins to pour, “you want one, right?”"

[Deleted]

Julian has left his apartment before he has even the slightest hint of an address. The mild evening air fills his lungs and he breathes it in greedily, claustrophobia having suddenly set in whilst he texted Athena from his apartment. Since their encounter his life had changed, had started to take on a sense of unreality. He looked at his expensive suits and felt sick when he thought how much they had cost, though at the time he had accepted it easily as a justifiable and easy expense. His law degree mocked him from its framed place on his wall, the wedding invite lists Louisa had dropped off felt like nothing more than a comprehensive list of people he had lied to. He had never particularly bought into the life that he had found himself living, and yet somehow the realization that it was quite so fraudulent had left him reeling. Sat in Gramercy Park in a t-shirt and sweats, he tried to get a grip of himself. For a man who was well known for his apparent stoicism, this slip of control was overwhelming. Still, as soon as he feels calmer he gets a text from Athena, which sends him racing to her apartment with such haste that you'd think it was on fire. Too pumped up to fully think things through, he's buzzed in and before he knows what to do he's in front of her, breathless from the effort but also from the sight of her in nothing more than her pjs. This has all happened so quickly, from their slip up to this... and yet, she seems indifferent, casual. Watching her move to the kitchen, Julian realizes it's about time he said something. "Sorry." Inspired. She's thrown him by calling him baby, making his heart pound and his nausea intensify. He watches her pour and nods at the offer. It was strange, this all felt so urgent but now he didn't know what to say. Scratching his neck and standing awkwardly, he finally cleared his throat. "Are you sure it's ok that I'm here? I can leave, I realize I forced this on you."

[athena mccarthy]

Despite being in New York, her home is very Californian. The ascents are pale sandy tones and Saharan reds. Furniture wooden, plants are aplenty and the artwork is full of gentle linework and earthy silhouettes. Her apartment is small, it is manipulated to feel large and airy. In it, Julian sticks out. Even without a suit, he is heavy. His frame takes the spotlight and overwhelms the space. While Athena reads calm and carefree (with practiced effort), Julian reads tense. She can feel his anxiety. “It's okay,” she promises and hands him a glass. She takes a controlled sip; the wine is sweet on her tongue. “Did you want to sit down? Try not to judge me,” she nods toward the television, which obnoxiously plays Will and Grace. Athena keeps her hands busy by pulling a bowl from the cupboard and filling it with candied nuts. “Just a starter,” she puts the bowl on the coffee table and sits down next to him. Her knees curl up to her chest and she sips at her wine. “Where did you want to start?”

[Deleted]

In the days since their encounter, Julian's entire sense of self had been thrown into disarray. This had happened to him once before, years ago, when Athena broke up with him. Being in a space so belonging to and reflective of her was adding to his anxiety. The very ground under his feet felt fragile, like it might crumble away with one misstep. The fear of being back where he was all those years ago was overwhelming-- particularly to a man who was used to not feeling very much at all. "Thank you," he said politely, on autopilot,taking the glass. Throwing his head back, he downed it in one steady gulp, adam's apple bobbing.  Waiting for the rush of alcohol to ease his tension, he half smiles at the TV. Sitcoms all look the same to him and he has no idea if this is Friends, or How I Met Your Mother, or whatever else people watched. If he was anachronistic, Athena was a perfect part of her environment. Sat on the couch, he managed a full smile at the bowl of nuts he was presented with. "Gee, thanks Ms. McCarthy," he says in his best grateful guest voice, laced with a good humoured sarcasm. He shoves a few nuts in his mouth and leans back, struggling to look directly at her. "I don't know. I don't really know why I came."

[athena mccarthy]

Julian's anxiety brings her relief. She'd be so alone with her thoughts during the past few weeks and her mind had been jammed with the stress of them and the future. Athena was distracted in her everyday life. She'd be in the middle of a task finding herself numb and useless, forgetting what she had been doing. Her main priorities fell out of focus and her producer had ribbed her for being so out of it during podcasting. Athena was usually a pillar and her charisma was a force that couldn't be broken. But Julian's silence had made her feel empty and naked, a bit robbed of her dignity. Knowing him so well, she could assume he was a mess. But seeing it in the flesh was some sort of comfort. “I can still make grilled cheese,” she promises. The squeaky voice on the television fills the room and she reaches for the remote to turn the volume down. Athena swirls the wine within the glass and sets it down on the table. She's childlike with the way her chin rests on her knees, her sparkling eyes observing him. “Have I ever told you how many times angry boys have tried to sue me?” her finger flicks to pile of papers, “this is the fourth. It's kind of like a bad rash that flares up every couple of years. I didn't even have sex with this one. The episode he refers to isn't even him.”

[Deleted]

Disorientated, Julian couldn't get a read on himself. Was this a good thing? Was it the complete opposite? With his head swimming and his heart pounding he couldn't calm down for long enough to decide. He can feel his tension ease ever so slightly now that he had arrived, though. The walk over had made him anxious that he might be spotted, the streets of Manhattan feeling so crushed together that it seemed inevitable that he would bump into someone who knew Louisa, or worse, the woman herself. Not that walking the streets outside his apartment was a crime, though at this current moment in time it sure felt like one. With the wine starting to settle in and the volume turned down, he's able to ease the tension in his body by another few notches. He's at a loss for words and whilst it might just seem like the usual silent Julian from the outside, the fact is that his silence is usually intentional, and this is anything but. He's relieved when she speaks. Raising an eyebrow, he glances at the page littered with legal jargon. His current first language. "Do you want me to take a look at it?" he asks, smiling slightly as he sees she's highlighted certain points. "Though I can't say I don't empathise with him. It's hard not to read yourself into every cryptic anecdote."

[athena mccarthy]

She laughs and waves her hand at him, “no, it's okay." Her eyes glance back at the screen and she watches as Grace quips at Will. She finds herself letting her mouth run, not wanting to let the silence grow awkward. “It's just frustrating, how so many people can be loving you but one person saying you suck takes you down,” the wine glass is back in her hand and she's taking a sip. “I'm just tired.. I know I'm lucky to be so comfortable, but I feel like I'm just following this trail.. and it's really scenic, and pretty. I want to veer off of it though, and I don't know how.”

[Deleted]

He watches her full lips move as she speaks. More for a distraction than anything else, he picks up the documents and starts flicking through them. The odd passage sticks out but it's fairly obvious that this was filed by a hack and would very much end up an open and shut case. Without telling her this, he chucks them back on the table dismissively and forces himself to look at her directly. "Come here," he says, leaning over and gently putting a hand under her calf, guiding her to lie her legs across his lap like they used to. He listens to her silently, searching her face for anything that might give him more insight into what was going on in that radiant blonde head of hers. "You're probably less used to that than other people," he says, being someone more comfortable with being disliked than liked. "The podcast is probably something you can take a hiatus from, you don't have to completely shut it off," he says, though he deeply wishes she would. His eyes meet hers. "Unless you settled down. Might leave you with no material."

[athena mccarthy]

She watches as his leafs through the papers. She knows there is no truth to the case and that it would be over before it even started. It was just another sting to her month and something else to become manic about. She looks into his deep eyes and frowns. She can't get a read. Even as he coaxes her legs onto his, she continues to feel unwelcome. Her legs rest tenatively and she begins to chew her lip. “People would forget. They have really short attention spans,” she sips slowly and her fingertips tap on the glass. “I always pictured it ending. Not death by marriage, but not forever.” Her legs move off of his, “do you want another drink? I think I have a beer in the fridge, or there's spirits in the cart over there? I don't have mixers though... do you want to talk about your wedding?”

[Deleted]

He can feel her hesitation as her legs barely touch his. He keeps his hand on her shin regardless, feeling the warm skin under his palm, his thumb almost imperceptibly stroking her smooth skin. Her body language was so seldom this guarded with anyone and it stung that she was being this way with him, especially now. "And then they would remember when you came back," he says, confident that she was far from forgettable. Years of suffering had taught him that the hard way. "Well, all things end." Suddenly her legs are removed from his lap and it makes his sense of despair deepen, though he shows no outward sign of this. He shakes his head to another drink, going to get up. He is about to excuse himself, to explain that he's made a mistake and he had better be getting back.. somewhere across town Louisa was sat tasting wedding cakes with his mother, the Frenchwoman curling her lip with disgust at practically every option, no doubt. He felt guilty. But before the excuses flow, she asks him a question that winds him and he can only look up at her, visibly strained. "What about it?"

[athena mccarthy]

Her shoulders lift and fall in a moment, “I guess so. I'm just trying to look forward, I feel restless with it.. I'm getting more out of talking shit with Nick, which was supposed to be something casual.” She admits. The chat on Screwed was becoming strained, the topics shifting from one night stands and leaning into topics more serious - which she liked and was passionate about. But at the same time, her stress-free job was becoming only stress. Hands rake through her hair and she looks back at him. “You know,” she's exhausted with it and it's clear. She would love to sleep this dream away. “You don't want to do it, so why are you doing it? And I don't look good, your parents don't like me and you only like me 50% of the time, so why are you here? And the wedding, is it going to be a Runaway Bride but a groom, or are you going to wince through the whole procedure? And I like California, but you like New York. But Louisa, how embarrassing is that going to be for her when you bail out? Or how unhappy are you going to be when you realize that arranged marriages don't always work? What do you want to talk about?”

[Deleted]

She says she feels restless and it takes all Julian's resolve not to scoff. She was the most restless person he had ever encountered, much to his detriment. The timing of their relationship meant that they rattled through an ever changing backdrop of life events, from being children to troubled teens, drifting from school year to school year, change constant. This continued after they graduated, when they moved into their own place, when they saw the little positive sign on the pregnancy test-- and then it stopped. As life was wont to do, it had plateaued. Where Julian welcomed the respite, Athena had always been hungry for the next thing, craving change. She was the type of girl to start wondering what was for dessert halfway through her appetiser.  Even now she was restless. Questions tumbled from her lips, each one increasing Julian's anxiety levels until he felt he might scream. "You've got to stop," he says finally, his voice straining with barely-there control.  A very real sense of panic was tightening his chest, gripping at his lungs, squeezing the air out of them. The questions run on loop in his head and they all seem so equally valid that he doesn't know where to begin. Huffing, he tilts his head back and stares at her ceiling, trying to regain his breathing. "I don't know," he says finally, exasperated. He looks at her, his eyes wide with an uncharacteristically open sadness. "I don't know what to do. I've lived life on autopilot so long that I don't know how to turn it off."

[athena mccarthy]

Athena feels the questions tumbling from her lips and she can't stop them. It's like a drain has been opened and water is wooshing through with no control. She's going to overwhelm him and she knows it, but she can't help it. She needs to be heard, she needs her mind out in the open and her questions answered. Her eyes watch him as her mouth moves, her brow folds with growing concern and she finishes her wine. She was always the type to be eager for the next thing, while Julian took more coaxing. As teenagers she would plea him to do things and then pull at his hand when he'd reluctantly agree. This balanced them. Julian taught her to be less rash and more thoughtful, she helped him to be brave. “Oh,” she stops as he asks. Julian looks as though he's cracking open and when he breathes deeply, it's like he's trying to suck the tension out of the room. Athena reaches forward to grab his hand and pull him to her, her hands wrap around his. “I'll help you. I know you think I'm crazy and that I change my mind, but I'd never change my mind about you. I'll help turn it off.”

[Deleted]

Julian casts a glance at his empty wine glass, far from feeling as lightheaded as he would like to be. At work he never shied away from a difficult conversation, in fact, he thrived in them. Clients were often hesitant around him upon first meeting, used to smooth talking lawyers oozing charisma. Any concerns they had were immediately dispelled in court, where Julian's cool headedness, his politeness, his absolute grasp of whatever it was he was talking about at any given time, would prevail. He was good in those situations because they were unemotional for him, and he could study up in advance. There was no textbook he could read for this particular situation, no exam he could sit in how to fuck up his life less. And so it was, fucked. Athena is a different person once he's shown vulnerability and the change takes him all the way back to the good days of their relationship. He had forgotten just how much he could be himself around her. Her hand feels soothing in his, though her words only make him feel worse. "Maybe I don't want to turn it off. Maybe that's just too hard." His mind casts back to the end of the relationship, to a severance so severe that it caused him to close up permanently. As hard as this was, the thought of going through anything half as harsh as that again was harder. He looks at her, his voice cracking a little a he speaks, mortifying him. "I don't trust you."

[athena mccarthy]

For the most part, Athena lived her life flexing her free will. She considered the feelings of her loved ones and tried not to wrong them, but sometimes she even leaped those boundaries. But for reasons she could not understand, Julian was the opposite. It was easier for her to say, fuck it, than it was to do something that didn't feel authentic. But Julian was so used to following the rulebook his parents gave him, that he didn't even know what it was like to be authentic. So she's confused when he says that it's too hard to be himself and to toss that rulebook away. She wants to shake him. “I don't get it,” and that's all she can say. She's not even surprised when he says he doesn't trust her, she expects him to use it as an excuse. “To be honest, I don't think I trust you either. That's something we'll need to work really hard on.. but you know, I don't want to give you ultimatums. I just can't see you if you get married. ”