, . goin' under

[Deleted]

Just hours before, Julian had watched as Louisa sat opposite him at his dinner table, tears spilling down her tanned cheeks. Silence surrounded them as they sat across the reclaimed wood in his Meatpacking loft, the weight of what he'd just said making the air feel heavy. "I don't think this is a good idea. I think we need to call this off." Guilt twisted in his stomach as her eyes welled up, though he had barely opened his mouth to apologise when she flung herself into his lap and hugged him tight. Like a victim of Stockholm Syndrome finally shown the door, she was grateful to Julian for sparing her from marrying him, and despite it all, he was almost a little offended. Not now, however. Tame Impala's It Might Be Time plays softly in the background as he cooks, stirring a simmering pot of beef bourguignon, red wine smells filling his apartment and making him hungry. He had texted Athena just four words, It's done. Come over. A deceptively simple summarising of the situation, of course, but then Julian was not one for lengthy text messages. They could talk it all over with some wine and food. Dressed in the Smiths t-shirt she had gifted him in their teens, he opens the door to her with a smile that feels wrong, so rarely is it on his face. "Hi beautiful. Hungry?"

[athena mccarthy]

Athena finds her mind drifting as her friends ramble on about their holidays. She's imagining being a fly on the wall, watching as Louisa's eyes filled with tears and her lip trembles. Her friend Emily asks how her holidays were and Athena jolts into the present. She says they'd been good, and they really had been. She'd spent a lot of time sneaking around with Julian and it was fun, she'd felt like a teenager. She plays coy with her friends, sipping the remnants of her wine as they pry for details. "Just good", she feels her phone buzz and grabs her wallet from her purse. Her heels click on the marble tile as she makes her way through the building. Her stomach is filled with nervous butterflies. They'd been fooling around, exchanging 'I love yous' and waking up next to each other for months. But this was a step out of the shadows and into exposure. A glitter painted finger barely touches the doorbell before she's welcomed by a beaming Julian. She swings her arms around his neck and presses her lips to his, "yes, and thirsty."

[Deleted]

When Louisa had left she rounded up what belongings she had here, and it had made Julian sad to think of just how few things that was. His life had been so intertwined with Athena's that when they split it was impossible to say what belonged to whom, their apartment a culmination of a life shared from childhood. He had decided to walk away from almost everything he had ever owned, finding even a hand towel too much of a reminder of the woman who left him. By contrast, Louisa had picked up some sleepwear and an oil diffuser, as well as a t-shirt of his that looked better on her anyway. As she left she went to leave the engagement ring behind, but he'd reminded her that she'd need it-- and besides, he had no use for it. All thoughts of his soon to be ex fiancee disappear as soon as Athena's in his arms, as they always did. He lifts her off the ground as he kisses her, swinging her round and closing the door behind her. "Of course you are. Wine's in the fridge, I'll plate up," he says, nodding towards the kitchen. Stirring the rich stew and dolloping huge portions into bowls, now that Athena is here guilt starts to weigh heavy in his stomach, stifling his appetite. He knew she wasn't going to like what she was about to hear, so he decided not to make her hear it just yet. "How's your day been? What have you been up to?"

[athena mccarthy]

Her plush lips smile into his. This 'New Year, New You' bullshit was contagious and she couldn't help feel caught up in the bug. She could feel the negativity of 2019 slipping through her fingers and dissipating into the atmosphere. The jealousy that had plagued her sanity had let go and returned her best self. It really did feel like as soon as she flipped the calendar, her former self had been replaced by a glowier Athena. She smiles as she kisses him and thinks brightly of the year ahead. Oh 2020, you're already a treat. She slips from his grip and practically dances to the fridge. Wine glasses hook in her fingers and splash with wine as she pours them full. "That smells amazing,, she says as he dishes up and she cozies up to the candle lit table. She takes a sip of wine and stabs a piece of beef with her fork. "It was good. Just catching up with friends.. seems like everyone got into World War Three with their families over Christmas." The beef melts in her mouth and her eyes widen with delight. God, Julian was a good cook. She always thought she was okay, but he blew her out of the water. "This is amazing... how was everything?"

[Deleted]

If it weren't for how aggressively lacking in personality Julian's apartment was, it would have been easy to fool himself that they had never really split up. Where their place before was littered with trinkets from trips shared, little childhood mementos and photos from the past, this place was out of a catalogue, a show home that it was difficult to imagine someone actually living in. There were no personal photographs, no boyhood trophies-- in fact, the only thing that he had bothered to move in was his book collection, and the only thing he'd amassed were boxes and boxes of work documents. He moved through the place like a very rich ghost.  However, as soon as Athena arrives she brings life to the place, her very presence brightening everything she touched. "Grandma's recipe. She loved teaching me, since my mom wasn't ever one for cooking for herself," he says, ladling out the rich stew and trying to ignore his growing sense of unease. Sitting across from her, her skin made even more golden by the glow of candlelight, it hurts him to think that they can't throw caution to the wind and wear their relationship proudly. But it just wasn't worth the stress, not yet. He smiles at her compliment though it falters at her question. "Not bad, actually," he said, busying himself with his fork and avoiding her eye. "She seemed relieved."

[athena mccarthy]

There's a stake in her 2020 revelation. Something's not right and although it's taken her a couple of minutes, she's caught onto it. His reaction to her is affectionate and there's truth to it, she doesn't think he's lying to make her happy. Julian wasn't like that and even if he hadn't broken things off, she could read through his lies. There's a discomfort and an embarrassment to his movement. She finds herself frowning as she studies him and that anxiety of 2019 creeps back like a rash. "Your Grandma," she comments with a smile, remembering the sweetness of her, "I loved when she'd come over, I've never tasted better crepes.. ugh, the brie and chocolate ones." She takes another sip of wine and leans back. "You're not telling me something," she points at him with her potato speared fork, and shoves the potato into her mouth. "I don't like it, so you should tell me."

[Deleted]

Julian continues to push food around his plate, smushing stew into potato like a toddler. He had lost his appetite. Whilst most people took him for a cardboard cutout, Athena was deeply attuned to his every microexpression, able to tell when things were off. She had once known that he had been suspended from school simply from the way he had said "hello" to her when she came to find him outside the principal's office, even though he had worked hard to say it as offhandedly as possible. He suspected that she knew even before he had opened his mouth.  He smiles at the memories she's conjuring up and for that moment, it isn't so uneasy between them. He takes a swig of his wine and is about to elaborate on said memory, when she cuts him off, her infallible intuition striking once again. He's annoyed at himself for creating this situation, for slipping up and breaking up with Louisa before he had meant to, and then for telling Athena prematurely. Actually, the latter was the real fuck up... though he would be delusional to think that she wouldn't have known something was up within seconds. "I did break it off," he reiterated, leaning forward on his elbows and forcing himself to meet her eye. "The wedding is off. Like I said, she was pleased."

[athena mccarthy]

Julian's nerves starve him and the plate chimes as he pushes his food with his fork. But Athena becomes a glutton the more anxious she gets. She's stuffing more food into her fat mouth than she can chew and flushing it down with wine. How dare he sit there and pretend that everything was alright, when it clearly wasn't. What did he take her for? She feels wild and caged, her tanned cheeks flush with frustration. She wishes she could shake him. Or pretend murder him... kill him with wine glass, but just for a moment. "You're annoying," she shoves a forkful into her mouth and leans back as he leans forward. She glares back into his gaze and holds it until he looks away. "You're not telling me something and I demand that you tell me."

[Deleted]

Compelled by the sight of her shovelling food into her mouth, Julian forces himself to impale a chunk of beef on his fork, forcing it into his mouth. Chewing slowly, he barely registered the taste, only appreciating the excuse to do something with his mouth that wasn't allowing him to run it. He's attuned to her too, well aware of the storm of frustration lurking under her calm-ish exterior. Her cheeks tinge pink, her grip on her cutlery tightens. This was what he had been afraid of. "So I've heard," he says, having finally swallowed his food. He takes another swig of wine, hoping for some dutch courage. He's unable to hold her steely gaze and instead glances out of the floor to ceiling window, wondering if it might be worth trying to run at it. He takes a deep inhale and leans back, slowly exhaling as he fixes his dark eyes on her light ones. "We can't go public with the breakup just yet. It's Julia's birthday next month and she's throwing a big thing."

[athena mccarthy]

She sighs and lifts herself from the table. "Okay," she lifts her plate and scraps it into the green bin. She was trying to remain poised, but she can feel something bubbling up inside her. She lived carefree and though offensive, she did what she wanted without trampling over others - I mean, except for the odd ex boyfriend. The lack of choice Julian so often displayed always bothered her, especially now that it was effecting her. "Honestly, fuck your mom," she rolls her eyes and grabs her purse. "I'm going home. Call me when your off the boob and your balls have dropped."

[Deleted]

There's a stillness to Athena's reaction that made him uneasy. She had been like this the day they broke up, the time it happened for real-- so different to all the times they split in the heat of the moment, one of them spitting the words at the other as a weapon and not meaning it as a real solution. He watched as she cleared her plate, evidently losing her appetite too. "Athena..." he starts, though she interrupts with an outburst. He's taken aback. Less by her sentiment and more by the twinge of protectiveness he feels over his mom, a woman he would have previously gone as far as to say he almost hated. This argument was so like so many they'd had before, back when Julian had outwardly seemed like the rebellious one but ultimately remained enthralled to his mom. "Athena," he repeats, his voice firming up as he stands to follow her. "We don't have to keep having this same argument."