. shotgun

[Deleted]

RILEY First was when he was sick, I talked to someone about that. Then my mom, when she called me up to berate me and beg me to beg you to forgive me.

[tara scott]

TARA Could you imagine waiting on the results from a test that would tell you whether or not your son was going to live past two? If he were lucky, that is.

[Deleted]

RILEY Yes. Because I did.

[tara scott]

TARA But you didn’t. You never felt him kick, you didn’t spend months waiting for him. You didn’t take him home. You didn’t spend the first three months not sleeping because you weren’t sure if he was breathing, or what each and every little sound he made meant. You didn’t see how his little eyes looked for you when he was in anyone else’s arms. You didn’t fall in love with him, you weren’t excited for him to be here and to watch him grow up. You didn’t want to meet him or even acknowledge him. So no Riley, you don’t know what it was like to take him in one day, and wait a painful 24 hours to hear whether or not you’d actually get the chance to watch him take his first steps, or say his first words, or fucking live past two. So fuck off. Please.

[/br]

[Deleted]

RILEY I'm sorry you went through that.

[tara scott]

TARA Seeing as we’ve got 2 more minutes left of me going along with this nonsense, please tell me how all of that went for you.

[

[Deleted]

RILEY Ok. So I'm in Vietnam when I hear the news, and I don't know T, I just kinda... I don't know. It's hard to explain because I don't remember it that well 'cause I sort of blacked out? For weeks? I'd been in pretty heavy denial that any of this was happening, and when you actually got married I started drinking 24 hours a day. I'd literally wake up in the hostel, go from the dorm to the shower with a beer, people thought I was crazy. Eventually I got kicked out of that hostel I guess 'cause I was really drunk and reckless and I kept losing my shit at people? I don't know. Me and this girl packed up and I think she could tell that I was fucked up about something specific, not just a drunken asshole (lol she was wrong about that though, am I right?) and I really vividly remember being sat in this beach club as the sun went down and I was just crying and crying and crying and she was saying all this shit to me that just landed you know, like stuff about positive energy and how we're all connected. I felt a little less lonely and a little less like a piece of shit for a second, I remember that. I cried in her lap all night, with these people milling around us, we were literally in the middle of a party basically. Then I checked my phone and saw that he was fine and for a minute I really believed there was a God and that in some way I am connected to him, even from thousands of miles away.

[tara scott]

TARA I’m sorry you went through that, but I’m at least glad you had someone to help you with it. You felt connected to God, or Theo?

[Deleted]

RILEY Theo. Full disclosure, it turned out she'd put MDMA in my drink. But I still feel that.

[tara scott]

TARA Time's up.

[Deleted]

RILEY I really miss being friends with you.

[tara scott]

TARA I missed you so much while I was pregnant. I don't mean to make you feel bad, but it really kind of ruined the whole experience for me. I was so, so miserable without you. I tried so hard to keep busy and get you off my mind, I had poor Tim design and build and redesign and build the nursery three times.. and all I would hear is "the stress is bad for the baby" "he's feeling what you're feeling" "get it together" type of stuff from my family, so I tried my best, but I missed you practically to death.

[tara scott]

TARA It went away once he was born.

[Deleted]

RILEY You were engaged, you had everything you wanted. The ring, the baby, the house... I was a bartender, T.

[tara scott]

TARA I know. It took him being born for me to realize that. It's weird, the second he was born it just didn't matter what I wanted.