. don't stray

[Deleted]

Packing Lucas' things into boxes had been a surprisingly easy task, both because his ex girlfriend Rebecca had already piled them up by the door, and because he'd had a meagre amount of belongings to begin with. A measly three cardboard boxes now sat in the back of his car, filled almost entirely with books, but also with clothes and a glassware collection he'd compiled at Sunday markets over the few months they had been together. Balanced above the books were those ugly vintage wine glasses in garish colours, chipped and out of sync with Becca's perfect homewares, previously relegated to the back of her cupboards and much complained about. Seeing those last few years of his life reduced to such an insignificant haul made him feel sad; not because he desired more belongings, but because he desired more presence. Looking at it now, it was obvious that he had been a guest star in her life from the start, destined for a six episode arc at a push.  He would feel a whole lot worse about it now if he wasn't sat across from Judith at his favorite restaurant. An Italian family run place, it had surprised him how much he loved that they knew him by name, since he had so hated the over familiarity of the town in which he was born. Wanting to impress her, he had ordered all his favourites, which had turned out to be most of the menu. The table heaved with cacio e pepe, burrata, sage and butter ravioli, garlic bread, stewed calamari and a bottle of Chianti. With spaghetti sauce on his chin, he looks up from his plate, giving her a lopsided smile. "Sorry if this was the most awkward day ever for you. For what it's worth, I'm really grateful you came."

[Judith Haddock]

It was strange to have a look into a life she had no part of. Judith had stood as an observer, watching as Lucas' hands combed through his Boston treasures and accounted for the memories he had made. How funny to think of the Lucas who dated Rebecca, a woman who hadn't failed to make their presence feel like an intrusion on her beautiful life. As she picked up the final cardboard box and shimmied around Rebecca, there were three facts that stood out. Rebecca hated her. She found Lucas annoying. And somehow, her houseplants were really that lush and green. Which Jude had checked by pinching off a leaf. She wiped her plate with garlic bread and shoved it down her throat. Attempting to drown that pins-and-needles feeling with carbs, a tactic that seldom worked and usually left her feeling both bloated and nervous. Lucas was animated and she loved his form of resilience, the type that turned battle wounds into red sauce. "Awkward?" she drowns the garlic with wine and returns his smile forgivingly. "Have you noticed a common theme in your dating habits?" She pauses, "there's spaghetti blood on your..." she motions to his face with her hand, "all over there." She forks ravioli and taps the air with it, "they're all the worst," Judith dunks the pasta in her mouth, "and they all think I'm the worst? Me. The innocent sub-character."

[Deleted]

With such a dramatic age gap it had been easy for his relationship with Becca to feel not so dissimilar from his relationship with his mother, though she didn't let him get away with half as much. There were countless times he would be hanging out at the gallery she worked at and someone would assume he was some kind of intern, or even a waiter on the evenings he attended exhibition openings, and he would always see that flicker of shock, mortification or jealousy (depending on who was making that mistake) spread across their face, before they invariably said something along the lines of, "oh, I see." Stood over he and Judith with a face like thunder, he had felt like a teenager being made to tidy his room. He wasn't really sure why she was so furious. It was an inevitable ending, and she had another man. He quirks an eyebrow as she starts, bracing himself for what she's going to say, before blushing slightly. "Oh," he grins, wiping the linen napkin over his face and cringing inwardly when it's streaked red, "thanks." He laughs at what she says next, nodding. "I sure know how to pick 'em." Since dating Emmy Luke had taken 'being in a relationship' to mean 'being someone's project', a bad habit he was yet to break. He nods again, more enthusiastically this time. "Yeah, what's that about? I got it with Emmy but Becca hadn't even ever met you... it was definitely partially my mom's influence." He remembers another detail and it makes him want to roll his eyes, remembering all the snide comments Rebecca had made, as well as the arguments she had picked. "I was also with her when I wrote that poem about you, that really pissed her off. Don't know why. It's so high school, acting like boys and girls can't be friends. It's honestly pathetic."

[Judith Haddock]

Why her?, was something Judith had asked herself many times when Lucas had gotten caught up with Emmy. And it was something that came up again when she met Rebecca. She had found herself perplexed as she studied the older woman. Her clean lines and minimal furniture was tailored. She spoke sharply and was almost cruel. Immediate and obvious qualities that seemed to fight with who she thought Lucas was. The boy whose spoke so quickly his words fell into each other, who was a constant source of clever and silly remarks and fell in love with the character of mixmatched glassware. When she dug into the why and couldn't figure it out, she landed on the fact that there was something to be said about opposites. Judith is on edge about what Rebecca had said but trying to keep her cool. She was a bitch and that wasn't on Luke. So she literally tables it and shoves a pile of carbs down her throat. "I have a very easy to hate face," she squirts a little and tries to harden her plush features to no avail. She imagines Molly's face dropping when she meets Rebecca; she would have hated her immediately. "That must have been weird. Your mom and her." She finds her cheeks growing warm when he mentions the poem. A poem which she very quickly stopped reading once she realized who it was about. "Seriously. Haven't they seen Sixteen Candles?"

[Deleted]

The poem was undoubtedly his best work to date, one he had won awards for and had published more than twice as much as any other. It had also been one that came easily to him. Ostensibly it was about the first falling of snow in a rural town, hardly the most original subject matter. But it was a poem pregnant with yearning, twelve lines that lay as heavily with regret as they did with longing. It was a poem that Huey had immediately loved, and it was a poem that had caused him to eschew his usual longform email response, usually brimming with constructive criticism, supplanting it for two simple lines: Loved every word. You should call her. He had replied asking if it was that obvious, a question that would soon be answered by Becca's fury as she poured over the draft later that night. "You're in love with a fourteen year old girl who doesn't even exist anymore."  That was far and away the worst thing she had ever said to him, and the words ring in his ears now. It wasn't the accusation that he was in love with Judith that stung, not when he'd heard that same claim all through high school. But Rebecca was right that the girl he knew was one relegated to history, forever changed not just by age, but by his neglect. "You really don't," he says honestly, watching as she squints. Maybe she hadn't changed too much. Warmed by that, he laughs again, raising his eyebrows. "Oh yeah. She hated her, but she was furious with me." He takes a moment to chew, slowing his movements as he mulls over the conversation, trying to decide if he wants to ask what's on his mind. He decides that he does. "Did you ever think that I had a crush on you? Then or now."

[Judith Haddock]

The poem had taken her. Huey had printed it off and mailed it to her in New York. Just a note in a plain white envelope with no context, but she knew it was Lucas' immediately. He had a way of glueing her eyes to the page and capturing her attention. She supposed she set it down because of the fearful lump that grew in her throat. It was too real and too far away, a story that was ages old and that she had repeated in her head too many times. The poem though, was a side of the story she never knew. It was a scary unknown that while sitting in her New York apartment with her boring boyfriend, she prefered not to open up. Judith presses her lips into a dorky smile. Her soft features easily molded emotions, but held such innocence that it made it difficult to express feelings other than love and saddness. She laughs at the idea of Molly meeting a woman closer to her age than her son's, "poor old Molly, I don't know how she's still hopeful." She looks up at him, his hair messy from his own hands and the light catching gold flecks in his eyes. "Then or now?" she puts down her fork and leans back a bit. "It's weird how my parents told me I could have anything I wanted and that felt really easy. Remember when I thought I could have a unicorn? I thought if I just mowed enough lawns, I would have made enough money for one," she feels the pins and needles of nerves vibrating through her body. "With you? I don't know. I had a really big crush on you when we were about fourteen, but that felt impossible. More impossible than a unicorn," Judith frowns and shakes her head, "no, I was too insecure to think you had a crush on me then. Now? I don't know what your deal is."

[Deleted]

A sucker for pretentious French films, Lucas had always been struck by how much Jude looked like she belonged in one. As a gawky teen she could have been a compelling minor character, but as a woman, leading lady charisma oozed from her every pore. Her tousled hair, those doe eyes... looking at her as she looked up from her plate, he could see the frame of the movie, rain hammering down in the window behind her as she smiled at him with wine stained lips. Though he denied it, he had of course noticed her glow up, but it was only now that he was seeing how truly breathtaking she was. "She's got her hopes pretty high up there today." He had to hand it to his mother, she had been right that Judith would blossom, inside and out. Not for the first time, he's wishing he had taken his parents' advice a little more seriously. He swills the wine in his glass, his eyes fixed on the swirling liquid though he's listening so intently to her reply that he's holding his breath. But it's easy to laugh, and he meets her eye again, nodding. Of course he remembered that. Judith had always been a believer, especially when it came to things she wanted to believe in. She had believed in Father Christmas longer than their peers, and even once her brothers had let the cat out of the bag, Luke would still catch her eye wandering to the fireplace come Christmas Eve. He loved that about her. He's surprised by her confession and makes no effort to pretend not to be. "Really? When I was at my peak awkwardness?" It's hard to process, especially when she's sitting there looking like a baby Brigitte Bardot. He pauses. He wasn't used to a woman who'd speak honestly, directly, just saying what she thought. Not since.. well, since she had been his best friend, once upon a time. "Me neither," he admits. "I spent so long wishing you were in my life that I don't know how to react to it now you're here."

[Judith Haddock]

The unicorn believing Judith had fallen for Lucas shortly before he got together with Emmy. A betrayal that felt even more cutting given the fact that she was going through puberty and had total heart eyes for her best friend. Whens she thought about it now, the betrayal was such a devestation because of her crush on him; her hurt made her act out and cut him off completely. As they sat there now, it seemed silly that she carried such a chip on her shoulder for as long as she did. Her fourteen year old heartbreak turned into an accidental ten year stint. "Oh god," she rolls her eyes, a common reaction to whenever their parents fawned over the two of them. She watches as wine spills and bleeds into a puddle across the wooden table. Her parents had instilled her with confidence in so many ways, but she'd always struggled in this area of her life. "I think it was the summer you decided to grow your hair really long," She shoves garlic bread in her mouth, "also peak hormone." Judith takes a look at him. He'd grown up so much, but as still the same Lucas. "I didn't talk to you for so long and I think that was a mistake."

[Deleted]

It was hard to untangle one thread from another. He had forgotten that he felt this same way way back when, full of love for his best friend, nostalgic for their childhood even when he had still been a child. He remembered how his hormones had kicked in and he had found it suddenly impossible to ignore the fact that his friend was also a girl, a girl with full lips who had always smelled like cherries and had the longest limbs he'd ever seen. She would brush against him going to her locker and he'd have a rush of hormonal desire so strong he almost kissed her there and then. But it was hard to know where his hormonal urges ended and his love began, and he had been so blindsided by it all that when Emmy showed up it had been easy to fixate on her. For all her drama Emmy was easy, and he had been a coward. Now he can't tell where his relief ends and his interest begins. All he knows is that he wants to be around Judith, and that when he's not, he's thinking about when he will be, about what he can update her on. He runs a hand through his hair as she talks about it, his unruly curls taking on a life of their own. "A phase," he says, trying to give her an out. He downs the rest of his wine, replenishing their glasses. Her final sentence breaks a tension he hadn't been aware was there. Relief floods through him, his deep seated fear that this reconciliation would be fleeting finally starting to ease. "I love you so much," he says, the words spilling out of his mouth without him trying to catch them. "Being a dick to you was the worst mistake of my life."

[Judith Haddock]

Hormones were a good cop out for what she had felt. It would have been so much easier if they hadn't grown up best friends, or if their parents weren't so insistant in them. She'd see him with Emmy and try see herself opposite him. What would they have been like? But Emmy was a portal to high school fame Judith never could have matched. Emmy with her long tan legs, perfect skin and general prom queen-ness. Then Judith. Sulky with her paintbrushes, textured with acne and no friends. There were so many levels. As an adult, she could see why her parents thought the two of them were well matched. Both waist deep in wonder and drowning in imagination. She watches him push his dark hair back, "the hair? It doesn't seem like it." She twirls the wine in her fingers, holding it to her face and looking at him through the smudged glass. He word vomits behind the glass and she has to repeat what he's said in her head before setting the glass down. "You just ate three servings of pasta. You love pasta." Judith feels an odd sense of calm. Maybe it was the change of environment that made things seem easier. The only thing familiar to her was the face across the table. "Big mistake. Big. Huge." she quotes Julia Roberts and takes a sip of wine. "I'll always love you," she repeats back to him, taking a wrecking ball to the Conneticut sized wall she's built around herself. "I think they just wired us this way. Like when we were babies we had brain surgeries and they put a little bit of my brain in you and vice versa."

[Deleted]

There was an alternate universe out there where his scruffy fourteen year old self had kissed her, and they had started down a road together against the world, outcasts with no interest whatsoever in what Emmy Ramsay and Will Henderson did with their time. It was impossible to say where that road would have taken them, but now that he's here, he doesn't feel like he's lost quite so much. He feels an ease he only ever felt in the presence of one other person, and that person happened to be her dad. Though all four parents were convinced of their suitability, it was Huey who really understood, who could see that they were products of each other, not childhood friends who just happened to have similar hobbies. Lucas feels like they're the only people in the room, possibly the universe. But he is well on his way to being drunk. "Yeah, the hair," he grins, his eyes just about visible through the mop of dark curls. "I do love pasta, and I love this place, and I love Boston.  I also love being free from Becca and Emmy and my mom hasn't texted me in four hours, which is a record, I love that." He gestures for another bottle of wine, forgetting entirely about driving though he has yet to settle on an alternative plan. "But I love you Judith Haddock, I love that brain of yours." His grin widens as she speaks and it's true, nothing has ever felt so true. "See? Perfectly put. You're me, but better, and a lot nicer to look at."

[Judith Haddock]

She snorts laughter. One thing among many that she enjoyed about Luke was that he had an abundance of enthusiasm. Rarely angry, always understanding and soft, it was his animation that could pull her out from the a deep saddness. The men close to her were big softies. In touch with and outward with their emotions. She never realized it was so special until she began to date. Her past boyfriend would turn his back and mumble about not wanting to talk feelings, while she yearned for deep chats. Judith's cheeks burn red from the wine. "I love all of that. Huey hasn't stopped. Look," she digs in her purse and pulls out his phone, slidding it across to him. "You love my brain because it's yours," she finishes her wine and looks at him with total astonishment. "You don't think that. That's totally impossible. Look at YOU," she points at him, "fucking picture perfect. You're the guy girls put on their ceiling, so they can fall asleep looking at you. Girls read your poetry and die of romance. You're literally breathtaking!"

[Deleted]

Lucas can't get the stupid grin to budge from his face as he glances at her phone screen, the number displaying how many texts her father had sent going up even as he's looking at it. "We should Facetime him later." He wants to see Huey's face at the sight of them together, tipsy and starry eyed with each other. "Actually, let me take a picture of you, it'll make him so happy," he says, brandishing his phone and gesturing for her to pose, "I took him here last time he visited me, he'll know the place." Sometimes he felt sorry for his own dad, who loved him dearly but was just too analytical to ever get him the way that her dad did. But Huey had done a lot to help Don to understand over the years, including a spate of poetry lessons that had filled him with a newfound enthusiasm for his son's work. Just another thing Luke was infinitely grateful to Huey for, on a list that started with 'Judith' in big capital letters.  Hearing her say something about herself is his stirs something in him that he hasn't felt before. Before he can interrogate the feeling she's complimenting him and he shrinks from it, shaking his head and laughing as his cheeks burn. "I'm just a guy! You live in New York, you can't set foot on the subway without seeing a million guys who look just like me," he insists, and he means it. He laughs again, his cheeks still tinged pink. A fresh bottle of wine arrives and he thanks the waiter for it. "I'm cutting you off, you're losing all sense," he says, reaching across the table to put his hand over her glass. Leaning forward he lowers his voice conspiratorially, as if he was about to let her in on a big secret. "Girls actually hate the whole poetry thing. I wrote a poem for this one girl and it did really well, but she didn't even bother to read it. Can you believe that?"

[Judith Haddock]

Judith laughs hysterically and shakes her head, "no, we should NOT." Huey would absolutely lose his mind if he saw them like this. She would come home and he'd be there with a priest, readying them their nuptials. She holds a piece of garlic bread in one hand and a wine glass in the other, closing her eyes to beam toothily at the camera. She wouldn't hear the end of this. This would be printed and put into her mother's 'Lucas and Judith' photo album of memories and shared among parents. Molly would be giving her engagement ring to Lucas to give to hers. This was the beginning of the end. "Just a guy?" She cries, trying to guard her wine to no avail. "New York guys are boring. Model, model, model, buff influencer, boy living on a mattress on the ground, model," she yawns dramatically. He comes so close she can smell his shampoo. The freckles on the brim of his nose faded from the winter months and the gold dust in his eyes sparkle from the wine. "I found it scary. The moment I knew it was me, I didn't want to know. You were too far away," her brow furrows as she speaks, "I'll read it when I get home."

[Deleted]

Being physically away from their families was definitely helping them to loosen up. Working in the cafe together had thawed the ice, but the full plane of glass that made up the storefront made the whole place feel like a stage, and it took next to nothing to make tongues wag. The one time he had dared to touch her, standing behind her and guiding her hand as he pushed her to expand her latte art horizons, Emmy just so happened to be walking past the window on her way from the station. From then he had kept his distance, knowing that if it wasn't the prying eyes of his parents, it would be the one woman rumour machine that was Emmy Ramsay. He snaps the picture, taking a second to look at it before he sent it off to his idol. "God you're cute."  He snorts, removing his hand from his glass to gesture at her. "Yes, exactly! They're models, they're built like gladiators, I'm just some skinny guy from Connecticut. Who also happened to sleep on a mattress on the ground until my ancient girlfriend made me move into her place." He sloshes more wine into her glass, leaning back, considering what she's said. "I guess it was a lot. But don't read it, at least not then. Save it for the next time you're mad at me so you can read it and know that I didn't mean to upset you, not then, not ever."