ruby joan:

[ruby anderson]

R U B Y
"what the fuck is wrong with you lately?"
"nothing?"

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND

[ruby anderson]

I DID SOMETHING BAD

The list of something bad goes as following. A list hidden in my notes to add in another mistake I'll undoubtedly make.  LIST: * Colton * Mirren *Professor Angelo * Everett The top two are the hardest for me to swallow. Mirren especially. That's a lie, combine them and my 'cold' heart burns. I broke a promise..no, a pact, we made when we were ten. She can never know. And I mean never.  I'm out with my friends just like a typical Saturday night. The stress of my chemistry course has soured my mood. Mya had to drag me out, throw a dress at me and force me to do my make up. Which I did a lousy job on, which wasn't normal for me. The Devil (Professor Angelo) was so far beneath my skin. We reviewed our quizzes in lecture. I've been getting better and understanding the material, there he can't fail me. I know it bothers him. That doesn't mean he can't do other things though, such as give me hardened glares. A dark hint to his gaze that's latched on me. I got an A on the last quiz because I've worked hard, it's my turn to be the one smirking at him. Angelo sees the smug look upon my lips and he releases our eye contact. He proceeds on with reviewing another quiz question and the correct answer. Everett isn't technically a mistake. That's why I have him crossed off. Honestly? He's really nice to talk to. I realize it's probably frowned upon to flirt, text and maybe even like your chemistry TA. I've been down this path before. But it's different. I'm not sure who I'm trying to convince here: myself, or someone looking in from the outside. I'm not though. He doesn't know those things about me. I hope never does. It did really hurt though when he insinuated that's how I felt about him. God if he only knew about Professor Angelo. He'd really think differently. That I was taking the easy way out in order to pass the class, instead of putting in hard work. His exact words, by the way. But I wasn't. We fought, argued and I was pretty offended. I've been pouting, him grumpy. I did bad things. See above list for reference, but that wasn't the end goal of wanting to be closer to him.  We're out at Loosie's, again. Mya swears we will go somewhere else next week. We pregamed the night at Jackson's apartment. Meaning we've done too many shots to remember. The vodka soda with lime that's in my hand has disappeared a few times and been replaced with another. I've lost count. But my body feels lose and warm. Dancing and screaming to every song the DJ played. "Ruby. I knew I'd see you here." His hoarse voice is in my right ear. His lips briefly touch the hair that's tucked behind that ear. I know who it belongs to and I'm suddenly no longer warm. Cold fills my body as I gulp down the last of my drink. "Come on and dance with me." My eyes widen and I search to find any of my friends. No one of them were near by. They were just here, right?  I spin around, facing Professor Angelo. We're close. This is the closest we've been in a very long time. He's so out of place, this wasn't meant to be his element and his age showed here. Heart pounding, I feel my legs start to carry me towards the exit. A large hand grabs my elbow, pulling me directly into his chest.  "No. Let me go." He doesn't let up on the grip, in fact it's tighter. "I will scream. And not in a good way, if you do not let go of me. Now." I replied through gritted teeth. Angelo gets the memo and takes a step back. That's my cue, time to escape and so I dash immediately towards the door. My sides hurt as I lean forward, catching my breath on the cold streets of New York City. "This is not fucking okay. I can't do this anymore." Pulling a hand through my blonde hair, I can feel the back of my neck dampened with sweat. Uber application is up and I'm waiting for the arrival of my driver. It's only 1:45AM. I take a shallow breath as I click on the contact. The only person who knows the truth of part of the reason I'm spiraling. A tear slips down my cheek. A car pulls up to the curb and I diligently check the license plate before opening the passenger side door. The call goes to voicemail. So Colt couldn't save me tonight. In the state that I'm in, silently crying in the back seat of the lift home, I decide not to leave a message. It would be a tragic mess if I did. Instead I fire off a text, knowing he'll see it in the morning. I'mok. Sorrrrry. I'm dropped off outside the school housing. I wipe my tears with the back of my hands. Not wanting a soul to see them pouring out of my eyes. The eye make up situation will be a dead give away, but if I can at least get the crying under control, it'll be better. I was alone again. None of the other girls had made their way home yet. I sit on the bathroom floor. It feels like hours. A towel underneath me as I slowly peel the black dress off of me. Standing up, I get a glimpse of myself. The girl in the mirror is a mess. Black circles of mascara underneath under her crystal blue eyes. Foundation wiped off in places, making it appear obvious she had a full coverage one on. Another tear trails down said face. You have no one, my reflection says in the mirror. She's right. I cry a little harder.   Breathe, Ruby. Breathe. Maybe it's time to uncover a few secrets. To let my guard down to the one person who's been there since the beginning. Well. Maybe just a few secrets. The one regarding Colt will go with me to the grave. Mirren needs to know what's going on with me. I just have to figure out have to tell her.

[ruby anderson]

SASHA'S POV. We always stare each other down at the dinner table. Blue intense eyes locked on my hazel ones. This particular time I have a calculated plan, it's all memorized and on a loop in my head as I twirl a spaghetti noodle. Once again thanking my makeshift family for dinner. She's so tricky, or so she thinks. As if I don't lurk through her belongings when she's out with her stupid trio, or doing other things. I knew the exact location of the diary that hides all of her sins and I would read it every chance that I had. Part of me wanders if she caught on, because the diary hasn't been in it's usual spot. No matter how hard I carefully tear apart her room, it's become lost to my eyes. I'm living at the Anderson's home full time, minus when I'm at Juilliard. I have a place on campus like every normal college student but feel obligated to come back to the Anderson's every weekend. None of my life would be possible without them. It gives me so much joy seeing the disappointed scowl on her face on the weekends she returns from NYU. Like she thought I would just disappear from their lives one day. It's not obvious to anyone but the two of us, this stare down. Or if it is everyone has learned not to say anything. She acts as though I don't exist and it always brings a smirk to my lips. Try all she might but, my teeth are sunk into her skin and they won't be unlatching anytime soon. Not with the connections and opportunities Mel has given me. It didn't always used to be this way. Or HAVE to be like this. If I remember correctly, she started it. In typical Ruby fashion, she threw a tantrum that I was the better dancer. That her mother wanted to give me more attention, so I kept pushing. My relationship with my own biological brother was like ours so it's easy to continue this act. So what if I'm the instigator in this situation. Miss Perfect deserves to be knocked down a few notches. Last summer I was barred from Dunmere, but without Ruby around I weaseled my way into an invitation. There was hesitancy written all over Mr. Anderson's face when Mel and I were discussing in the kitchen, his mouth opened a few times but I continued to lay on the compliments and gratitudes halting any sort of rebuff he could give. Especially not in front of Mel. From previous experience I knew that they would break the news to Ruby when I wasn't around, and where they had space from the any outbursts that would likely occur. Mel takes a call and excuses herself from the dining room table. Spencer was the first to leave, mumbling something about playing video games, Mr. Anderson was right behind him and so it was just the three of us until the phone rang. Mel was asking Ruby about her readiness for finals. There she was, saved by the ringing. It wasn't a secret that Ruby was retaking the class, I'd heard many arguments between the blonde and her parents (thin walls and also my nosey self loitering quietly in the hallway to hear every bit of their fight) about the first failed course. Apparently she'd been improving, heavily involved in study sessions and that thought alone made me laugh. The silence overtakes us, as Mel moves into the other room. First on my agenda takes place this evening when I'm between bites. "So I added Colton on instagram. He's really hot." "You don't even know him. Why would you add him?" The first words she's spoken to me this evening. "Please Ruby. We've talked a few times when he's dropped by the house with his family." "That's really weird of you. And also this isn't your house." A laugh escapes my lips as I wipe my mouth with napkin that was tucked on my lap, freeing it from any lingering red sauce. I'll ignore the house thing, this time. "Is he single?" "Last I heard, yes." I hear her answer this particular question in gritted teeth. Hm. What was all of that about? "I can't wait to talk to him more this summer." No response. "So you don't mind if I try to get to know him? You can't control everything, you know. I'm allowed to talk to him. And anyone, really." "It's really weird how obsessed you are with my life. You're never going to be me, you know that right?" "You sure about that?" My head points in the direction of my ballet bag that was in it's usual spot in their home. Her eyes follow, landing on the bag I have my eyes locked on. A redness creeps up on her neck. "Leave Colt and Mirren alone." She's out of the chair in two seconds, not even bothering to push the chair in. Her blonde hair whipped around her as she sped away from the table. There's more to the Colton situation. I know it, as I've clearly struck a nerve. She exits the room and stomps down the hallway, slamming the bedroom door.. I needed more information. The commotion causes Mel to peek into the dining room from the room she stepped into, to answer the call. She shakes her head. My second goal is to befriend Mirren. She seems like the friendly one out of the bunch. And last but not least on my agenda will be to find out whoever this Everett person is that she's been texting. I read the messages over her shoulder and see a slight smile approach her lips whenever she opens a text. A SUMMER OF DESTRUCTION, SOUNDS SWEET DOESN'T IT?

[ruby anderson]

1. we’re finally here at dunmere. i’ve been so incredibly happy. even on a slightly chilly day. we pulled up and the air alone takes a weight off of me??? i can’t explain it. it calms me and is my escape. me, spencer and sasha were all squeezed into the back seat, that couldn’t put me in a bad mood because i was headed to my safe place. thank god spencer volunteered to sit in the middle. mirren texted me and they’re on the way! colt won’t be here which sort of sucks we won’t all get to be together the first weekend back. i know sasha was reading my diary and so i’ve started writing it on my notes app. it’s safer this way. she thought she was so sneaky but i could tell. she’s staying in colt’s room and it infuriates me. again, close and ready to infiltrate more of my life. this summer i’m going to focus on myself and my friends. i’m going to act as i always do, like sasha doesn’t exist to me. but i won’t let her create relationships with my friends. she would only be doing it out of spite anyways. this summer i’m going to repair the wall i’ve put up with mirren. i miss our closeness. she doesn’t deserve it because of my own issues. i won't be revealing a certain secret though. now that i’m away from school and professor angelo, it’s obvious i do like everett. i was kind of sad to leave, only because of him. every other part of me was screaming and ready to leave because obviously it means dunmere. he’s so easy to talk to, a very good listener and i like kissing him a lot. he still wants to take me on a real date. part of me wondered if he would be happy to get rid of me? but he still wants to. i told him maybe in a few weeks he could come down to dunmere. i’ll have to get mirren’s advice on this. once he finds out about professor angelo he’s never going to look at me the same. so i hope he never does. and i wouldn’t blame him. it looks so bad. he’s going to think that i used him, which was not the case whatsoever. cross my heart and all my fingers and toes. and then there’s colton. i don’t even know what to say about this except he frustrates the absolute hell out of me. and confuses me at the same time. he told me he was sleeping with other people and honestly? that thought alone made me want to die on the inside. i just don’t know why. he’s not my boyfriend. so i acted like it didn’t even bother me. i basically told him to stay out of my business too. but that conversation has been nagging me since we’ve had it. he’s so paranoid i’m going to slip up and tell mirren. he can’t been seen in a bad eye towards her, i know that’s what it is. or maybe he even likes her too? she’s better than me in all aspects, so it would make sense. she’s perfect. i am sad he’s not going to be here this weekend. more than usual??? is it because i’ve been maybe been looking at his instagram more? it’s the muscles and the t-shirts. that’s what i keep telling myself. also wanted to ask who that girl was in his freaking post. but not my business. or maybe i’m just desperate to be fucked by him again. idk. it’s going to be so hard this summer. so many people around, mirren so close by, our moms, and sasha who’s out for my blood. i’ve created such a mess. sometimes i’m like was this all worth it? and then he kisses me and all those thoughts go out of my head. i even do whatever he tells me to and everyone knows that’s not me, but in the bedroom, i submit..and i like it.. i just am not sure what’s going on in my head. or why he makes me feel so fucking insecure around him. ok mirren’s here!! just heard her yell for me!! and i wanna stop thinking about colt for a while. maybe we can do a quick walk down the beach, always clears my head. until next time my trusted diary xoxo

[ruby anderson]

i seriously had the best time with mira. it felt like us against the world again. just us listening to cat’s cradle like we used too. the summer already together has been the best. like i said in my first entry from the summer i wanted to make things right between us. my favorite was when she was encouraging me to send that drunk text everett. the both of us just giggling as i tried to type with one eye closed, i was anything but sober but remember that clearly. colt can fuck right off. i ignored him and especially his little love affair the rest of the time. fuck him. why the hell is this bothering me? we’re not together. it’s always been just sex. we’ve been friends for the longest time. i hate having these intense feelings of jealousy when it comes to him. what’s going on with me? he makes me feel crazy. genuinely. that little stunt though? but it was just tasteless. as if he didn’t just have his tongue inside me and making me cum two nights ago. it probably didn’t even bother him to do that in front of me. i’m probably just some notch on his bed post. when i pulled out my phone to show mirren something i could feel his eyes staring at me. he’s being so obvious. and he’s always yelling at me to be careful. did i bother to look up after that? nope. cold shoulder. he only cares about mirren in this situation i think. at least it wasn’t sasha. i would die. literally. but this proves that he doesn’t even want me so i need to stop letting those thoughts sneak up on me, maybe we should stop having sex too? idk. i’m so conflicted because i love it. the way he makes me feel but maybe he deserves me keeping my body from him, not being as available. no matter how badly i want it. i texted everett about our date. i do miss him. it made me really giddy to hear from him. he’s going to come out next weekend i think and take me on a date. i hope he misses me too. until next time my trusted diary xoxo

[ruby anderson]

i’ve messed up. big time. i’ve done something that was not part of the plan. i like colton. more than a friend. i don’t know how it happened. but hit me as soon as everett introduced himself to colt. i watched in the kitchen as my two secret worlds collided. i hated it. everett is not much of a secret anymore though. part of me wanted colt to pay for making out with that girl in front of me. the sweetest revenge for telling me he was fucking other people while we were sleeping together. i also have really missed the attention from everett and honestly? kissing him too. he may be a bit nerdy (in the best way ok i mean that) but gosh he can kiss a girl. but suddenly i didn’t want colton to meet everett at all. i should’ve left him out of it. i feel so guilty. and i do like him. i just can’t stop thinking about colt. it’s probably because he’s so close by, right? it’ll go away once the summer stops. and maybe when we’re not constantly sneaking around. you know what’s funny though? our fighting seems to be minimal when it’s just the two of us. and if we do he just silences my arguments with his lips. i’m itching with guilt. i feel like i need to jump in the shower and scratch my arms until they're only red from being raw. maybe that would make me feel less horrible. colt’s right,  it's all my fault. i'm an awful person. what is going on in my head? colton’s direct words - he was just inside me the night before everett got here and there i was introducing him to everyone. as if that didn’t happen.  it is but it isn’t. no one can ever know. i'm also getting annoyed at how many times colton tells me to delete our messages. i am not an idiot. this is the biggest and craziest secret i’ve ever kept. minus this one. i think this one is even more insane. how could i catch feelings? he gives me such whiplash. and he’s a hypocrite. i heard the whispers of him and mrs. hayes. and his jessica always seems to be nearby. why does he make me feel these things? it’s frustrating. i wish i didn’t, it’s only made things more... complicated. the bonfire was a disaster. after a perfect date. setting the fire and stuff felt like such a waste. colt and everett went head to head for reasons i don’t understand and then mirren ran off the beach, crying. i tried to go check on her when we went to bed. the door was locked but i heard some sniffling. i texted her, messaging to see if she was okay. i know she's not. everett gave me a long hug, kissing me softly on the beach and it felt so nice. i apologized profusely. he slipped in a few embraces on the way to our respective bedrooms.. kissing me one last time in the dark hallway. he’s really so sweet. and I’m just not.. sometimes. was he regretting taking me on a date? after all of this? seeing a totally different side of me? i would be if roles were reversed. i imagine he's staring up at the ceiling in bed, thinking, what’s the matter with ruby and her friends? i’ve been laying in bed contemplating what i have to do. i also checked on the big dumb idiot. he shouldn’t have snapped at mira like that. if he has something to say he can take it out on me. not her. she doesn’t deserve it. i hope he begs for her forgiveness because he was such a dick. i love her so much i hate that i've been a horrendous best friend. it's not her, it's me. i've been trying to make up for it this summer. i cried when i laid my head down on my pillow. as quietly as i could with spencer sleeping six feet from me on the floor. i’m a mess. i don't know why. and i’ve wrecked everything. all because i kissed him last summer. and i haven’t wanted to stop. i think i’m going to have to ask everett to go home. it was in the back of my mind before colton even asked. the foundations of our house are crumbling and that seems more important. maybe we could go on another date when i got back to nyu, i don’t know. he’s probably never going to want to speak to me again after we talk, i feel it. i don’t even want to have an ounce of hope. i won't blame him at all. diary, you’re not going to even believe this but i actually texted mel. well, she started it but i didn't hold back. she asked if everything was ok after hearing the commotion from the beach drift into the house. and we talked a little bit. only over text. it was nice…she said “i support whatever you do ruby. but make sure everything is right with your friends. they’re your family too.” this is going to be so hard. also, why did sasha have to run off to colton’s place? did she think she was going to comfort him? gross. i hate that mental image. my heart dropped when he said she was over there. i was sure he fucked her. i don't think i would've handled that well. actually i know i wouldn't have.  well spencer is yelling at me to turn my phone off and go to bed. the light is blinding him or whatever. and he says i’m the exaggerating one. i hate sharing my room with him. goodnight and wish me luck until next time my trusted diary xoxo

[ruby anderson]

i’ve not been in the best mood this summer. which my friends would say is normal but it’s a little over the top. i’ll even be the first one to admit that. i think it’s because i like colton and i know i shouldn’t. one of those situations where i can only be upset with myself. and so i fake it, pretend like it’s not affecting me when really it is. so much. and do we still hook up? yep. as i said, i just pretend he doesn’t give me these earth scattering orgasms and that make me like him more. he was sitting next to our neighbor keleigh and i wanted to punch her in the face. he wasn’t even doing anything but speaking to her, i could just see the look on her face of how much she enjoyed talking with him. she nudged his shoulder and i felt my whole body tense up. i immediately needed to leave. i asked mirren to come back and make a drunk pizza with me. we burnt out mouths and sat on the deck talking. I opened up about sasha bothering me. she knew that because we've talked about it before, i just vented more. but i really wanted to tell her about my feelings for colt. i obviously did not. we still have our secret. is there something wrong with me? my emotions feel so heavy lately. i think i ask this three times a day, on top of me writing it in you, my trusted diary. maybe it’s sasha too. she keeps looking at me. as if she’s won something. colt told me that they didn’t even sleep together, another lie we orchestrated to keep our cover. so it can’t be the reason. i really want her to stop infiltrating my life. it really bothers me that she’s here, my mom favors her and she wants colt. i wonder if she’s tried to look up everett. i still feel very awkward about that whole…situation. speaking of cover, we almost got discovered. addie apparently saw us kissing. i took her shopping and we talked about it, smoothed it over. told her it was a dare and not to tell the moms because we could get in trouble. she promised to keep the secret, 300 dollars worth of drunk elephant later helped too. i have another confession: i’ve been sneaking off to dance again. i saved up some money and paid for some time alone in the studio. i ride my bike and pretend i'm out in town. i won’t tell mel and certainly won’t be letting sasha find out. can you imagine all of things she’ll say to me? and want to follow me to the studio. dancing is making me feel less ..tense. i can get all of my emotions out. mel thinks i should start therapy, i’ve thought about it. i just don’t want anyone to know. it makes me feel weak? i’m typing this from the train, heading to see my old roommate kitty in the city. feel like i need a break from dunmere. never thought i’d say that. it’s usually my safe place. i’m going to have fun, forget about my feelings and get drunk with a friend. i love the city and the options are endless. I hope this loosens me up, AND that i don’t have too much fomo thinking about mirren and colt, without me. ok well I’ve made it. i’ve double checked three times that i have my fake id, super afraid i forgot it! until next time my trusted diary xoxo

[ruby anderson]

mirren is right about a lot of things usually. honestly, has been since we were kids. the voice of reason. she was right about everything tonight. how i wanted to be the center of attention always, how i was more upset about the truth of sasha and colt instead of her finding out the biggest secret we've ever kept, and how i've been a terrible friend. but she wasn't right about me running away from the party, that i was seeking attention from those actions. i had to get out of there, my anxiety was making me sick to my stomach. you should've seen my hands as i paced the beach, shaking uncontrollably as i sobbed into my knees after sending my mom a text for sasha to leave and that i've messed up...everything. i didn't want anyone to follow me as my trickling downfall began. i hated to anyone to see me cry. she knew that. not everyone can be a cute crier like she is, the mascara remnants on my cheeks and swollen eyes looked god awful when i finally looked in the mirror.  i knew colt wouldn't follow me. why would he? as i said above, i didn't him want to. in that moment i wanted to scream in his face for fucking the one person i asked him not too. but he's not my boyfriend, you know? he can sleep with whoever he wants...that just hurts... a lot. more than i anticipated, the slap in the face distracted me from my true feelings. the guilt. which hit me all the sudden as i cried on the beach after dark even approached. i regret the way i reacted to that truth. i should've profusely apologized to mirren, tell her like colt did, it's not what she thinks. tried to salvage the friendship and explain to her this wasn't how she should've found. but once again, i ruined everything. i bet colton took after mirren. and i don't blame him.  i hope he did actually. he's probably thinking too, god there's ruby, so selfish as she always is, didn't even think of our FRIEND who's obviously upset. always thinking of her self. echoing the same words that mirren screamed at me. it was all so terrible. awful. and all about me. i'll save that friendship for him. take all the blame so he can keep mira. it hurts me to even think about all of that. but i will for him. i don't deserve mirren's friendship. and the two of us can have some space. she's not going to want to speak to me. who even knows if she ever will again. it's been a long time coming, our blow out. the way i've just ignored at nyu, put other people before our friendship, told her lies, kept secrets, huge ones from her. it didn't always used to be this way but that last year has been...different. an hour after i sent the text message to my mom, she asked me if i was okay. i responded no. i was hoping she didn't ask where i was and if we could talk. my dad came and found me on the beach. he looked like he was gearing up to yell at me, to tell me he'd been trying to call me for an hour to know where i was. searching for me down both sides of the beach until he spotted me. at this point i moved from the rock because it was hurting to sit on it, right down to the sand. the tears were halted, temporarily as i looked out at the ocean waves. my brand new, fun and sparkly green skirt could've potentially been ruined but i didn't care. dad took one look at me and shut his mouth, i couldn't help but start crying again. he sat down in the sand beside me and held me. telling me it would be okay, but i know he's wrong. the crying stopped a little while later and he asked me to tell him what happened. i made him promise not to tell my mom. and i wasn't going to tell him the real details of me and colton sleeping together? not a good idea. so i told that i kissed colt a few times, that i like him and mira found out from sasha blurting it out at the party. i don't think he believed me about the kissing thing, but he kept his mouth shut. listening to me and squeezing me. i told him that i wanted to go home first thing in the morning. he said he'd take me, but thought i should talk to my friends. dad also said that i should tell mom all of this when i was ready, she'd want to hear it and be there for me. i want too..i just am a little hurt by how my mom has treated me in the past. with sasha, with her attention on others. i texted mira. telling her how sorry i was. that i know she'd never forgive me but that i hope she would some day. i confessed to being a terrible friend, that i've told too many lies and i'm sorry that she was hurt in the process of this. i wanted to say so many other things about how i've not been myself this summer, or even the past year but i didn't want to make this moment about me. and that was hard not too. i accepted the responsibility, telling her that she shouldn't blame colton. and that i hope that they could work out their friendship. i didn't deserved forgiveness now, or her friendship. so i'd give her all the space she wanted. but she knew where to find me when she was ready. i couldn't wait to talk when she was. signing it with i love you, i'm sorry.  and then i texted colton. this particular one made my heart pound the entire time. i was anxious, nervous but thankful to i know i can delete a message and never have to look at it again. i said i was sorry for how i reacted, that my attitude has been extra the last two weeks and that i was sorry for that too. i reiterated what i said to mira, that i was taking the blame. i started it last year, after all. he was free to do whatever he wanted including sasha, he wasn't my boyfriend. it just hurt a lot because somewhere along the lines i've thought about him more than ever before. i couldn't stop thinking about him while i was drunk in the city, sending all those drunk texts because i missed him. that i liked his shaggy hair, his stupid white t-shirts, how he was constantly attached to a book and even the cigarette smoke that lingered on the sweatshirt i stole from him. i left the sweatshirt and the book part out. summarizing that he was driving me crazy because i can't get him out of my mind. i told him i was going back home and that i hope he gets his peace and quiet back from dunmere, sorry for disrupting it. and he didn't need to respond to my message. signing that one with i miss you, i'm sorry. i was insanely jealous about him and mirren, for no reason. i didn't include that, but i was jealous because i didn't want them to have ..more of a connection than he did with me. god, i am so messed up. i can see now that it's all just been me though. maybe it was all one sided, that i'm the one that caught feelings when i shouldn't have. i don't know. but i'm not sticking around to find out. i need to leave. i can't face him, or mira. say i'm a coward, or whatever. but i cant. now i can't fall asleep. i'm just sad and scared. what if i've ruined everything forever? dad said we can leave early in the morning, he wants to beat the traffic of others heading back into the city. i'm happy to slip away and say goodbye to dunmere for the summer. until next time my trusted diary xoxo

[ruby anderson]

"looks like your lies have really caught up to you." I felt like a zombie. Body tired, mind exhausted..from the impending doom in the pit of my stomach. Something that my usual list of distractions couldn't fight off. Friends, partying, class, studying, writing in my diary. Now all I thought about was the lies, the many webs each of them had created.. I was faking it how badly these actions (especially now they were becoming discovered) it was hurting me. Putting on a smile. Like I always did. Pretending that nothing was affecting me when the voice inside my head..SCREAMED. Dared me to feel, not to crash out like my therapist had warned. I tried to write in my diary but once flowing words were coming up blank. The feelings strategy we had practiced during my last session suddenly seemed ..unattainable. Just not there anymore. EVERYTHING. Was blowing up in my face. My best friends, my secret with Professor Angelo and Everett. The previous interaction with Mirren had left me irritated. Enraged. The sadness I felt previously for hurting her feelings, replaced with another emotion entirely. Why did she tell Everett? Why did she think that was any of her business to run off and tell him? All we did lately it seemed was betray one another. She'd been right about that..and it sucked. Our group chat had never been this..quiet before. Everett's final words replaying on a loop. I deserved them. The devil and angel arguing on my shoulders. Ruby, what did you expect? You were SO mean to him. Kicking him out your summer house? It was only time before he pieced everything together. The angel tried to reason while the devil spoke of reassurance. He wasn't your boyfriend. You didn't owe him anything. Molly (who I met last semester in my marketing class) had dragged me out tonight. Throwing around the promise of a good time, wanting to introduce me to a few of her guys friends. I wanted attention, needed it. Even if it wasn't from the person who I craved the most. I wanted to get drunk, let him escape my mind for a little while. We were frozen in time. Skating around a confession of actual feelings. It was still in the middle of us, even as we acted completely normal. Just ignoring an important detail. But I would forget about the parts of my life that could be considered "falling apart." My worries, concerns melted away as the clocked ticked on. As the drinks consumed did too. No longer slipping into my mind. "Looks like all your lies have really caught up to you." "Why were you begging me to break up with Matt, Colt?" "But I was right about you, wasn't I? Stuff you're willing to do for grades I guess." "And asking me so many questions about my sex life when we got high together?" "Obviously I begged her to leave Matt because he sucked. You know that right?" "I really hope you get help, Ruby." Spinning so far away as I was twirled around the dance floor. A pair of hands grabbing at my waist, pulling our bodies close. UNKNOWN: Did you think I would forget about you? Even with my new little quest I still think about you, Ruby. It vibrated on my wrist while I was out on the dance floor. Dancing, forgetting, having fun. The shots we'd done at Molly's apartment giving a good buzz, but nothing could prepare for that. A dreadful feeling creeping in, just as it had months ago when he'd found me on a similar dance floor. Another message incoming but I tapped the screen of my Apple Watch. Not allowing it to pop up with curious eyes everywhere. My body frozen, Molly bumping into me as a new song started up. Excusing myself to the bathroom to take a breath. Closing the bathroom stall to read what the professor had actually said. Feeling disgusted all over again. I knew what had to be done. What the next move was I had to make. A final straw. The one that broke through to my brain, to reveal the concern of this issue. One I couldn't handle on my own. It wouldn't stop with a distance. He still saw me as a target. Maybe Everett already reported it, I'm sure he felt some sort of obligation being my 'teacher' and all. But these messages? Proved he hadn't been informed of such allegations. Word not reaching his ears. It wasn't hard to make an appointment. After a few hours of talking myself out of it, I went with whatever was swirling in my gut. It was the right thing to do. Going online, asking for an appointment with a person I was very familiar with..felt so strange. I was trying to be as professional as I could. What was about to be said..needed to be said behind the door of her fancy office. Not on grounds I knew like the back of my hand. She could help me right? Not only a member of the faculty but as basically family? Maybe this wasn't a good idea? But I came with receipts. Texts, emails, anything that could incriminate the professor who wouldn't leave me alone. Compromising Professor Angelo also meant doing so to myself, exposing such behavior she'd never seen from me. I'd never been the Dean of Admissions office, or anywhere near this campus building actually. I enter the room, heart dropping. Scared, nervous, anxious for what would soon be spilling from my lips. She smiles big, at me. "Ruby, you could've texted me! You didn't have to make an appointment." I'm silent as I sit in the seat across from her desk. Glancing at the office, seeing a few pictures scattered amongst the decorations. I finally speak, "I know." Helena joins me in sitting, arms going up against the wooden desk, in front of her body. "Oh. This is serious, isn't it?" "Yes." Eyes softening at the crack my voices give. Tears fighting to form too.. "Please don't hate me, okay? Or tell my mom..." And so I spilled a big secret to Helena Bell.