. millie

[Deleted]

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE. I'm not blind. I concur, as I sit stirring my vodka, with sprite and splash of grenadine. I'm not some mousy girl, which is what I know they are all thinking as I'm on the bar stool next to Pat. He's vibrant. Full of energy while I'm quiet. I would preferred to observe than feel more comfortable. It's always how I've been. The anxiety tearing me apart, from the inside. He's ventured from my side a few times to greet various people, friends and even her. She smiles at me, but it doesn't meet her features fully like it does when she sees Pat or the others in the bar. "Hi Millie," we've not spoken many words, though I'm so curious. To get to know her, the supposed best friend of Pat's. I've tried my best to be friendly but even the kindest of person would agree that it's awkward.  I don't get to say anything else besides a reciprocated hi, before she's tugged away. Tucked in the back corner of Bodega. With a man,  who has the most chiseled face I've ever seen in my entire life. She enters the room and I feel his attention move along with her. Following every bit, until she's barely visible with the dimmed lightly in the bar keeping her booth and the man inside of it with her, a secret. Maybe I was naive in thinking that he meant it when he said, "I do still want to see you," when I'm sat mere centimeters from him and he's unable to keep his eyes off a beautiful girl. I'm not usually a jealous type - but she makes it easy. We're opposites. She thrives in his environment where I'm lucky to be here, our schedules briefly mingling. My early morning bakery, his late night bar. It could be a disaster, but I was making sacrifices because I really liked him. An anxious bug crept upon on my skin, though. That whispered to me I'm not good enough, that she's perfect. What did I bring to him, this relationship, or whatever we were?  Pat excuses himself, making more rounds. I wasn't phased by any of this behavior, knowing what nights at Bodega consisted of. Just happy to see him, and spend the sparing time we often were allotted. Luiz talks to me, throwing a few jokes about the drink orders he's received tonight. Subtly gesturing to the older women who insist on drinking the most ridiculous kinds of alcohol. The straw is in between my lips as I'm smiling as he perfects their orders. I'm laughing and glancing around, before the smile is halted on my lips. There was Pat and Stassi, mere inches apart. A typical stance they found themselves, if maybe others weren't looking upon them. My heart pounds harder in my chest as they proceed with their conversation, it appearing to be innocent. Just in each other's faces. My drink comes to finish as I'm watching, Luiz asking if I'd like another as my straw sounds a slurp. I agree to just one more. I'm losing him. Or maybe, he's losing me. It's nearly two in the morning when I feign being tired. Though I know I'm going to spend the next hour or two thinking about every interaction from this evening. Looking up at my ceiling and wondering again, was I enough? He kisses me one more time before I make my exit, knowing my alarm would go off sooner than I'd like. Even though my employee was covering the early shift, opening the store and getting it all situated, still a responsibility fell on me. I kiss him again and feel his amazing smile fall onto his lips as we finishing kissing. I'm into the cab, waving bye and letting him sneak one more kiss before the door finally closes. With a promise that I'll text once I'm inside my apartment. I bring a finger to my lips, they're buzzing from the contact but I feel a sadness in my heart.  No matter what he says, I know I'm not the only one he cares so much about.