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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2014 23:49:02 GMT
In this dream I have, we're married.
I have it every night now, like a ritual, like my sleep tries to tell me how much I fucked up for allowing him to be lost. Because surely, it is my fault, this way that he treats me. Surely it is my fault that Atlas and Sara and whomever else he documents will always beat me out for queen of whatever mangled heart he has left. Yet, that heart, however decrepit and Grinch like has always been mine, and I would be lying if I didn't admit to being a sore loser. I love him in a way that will surely mean my undoing, if it hasn't yet. I love him in a way that has allowed this mask I finely hone to shake loose. They've started seeing through me, right through me, and I cannot get back the ground I've lost.
They are sharks, and they smell blood.
But this is supposed to be dealing with this problem I've got. I'm done rationalizing it, I'm done being my stereotype of every other girl-in-love-too-stupid-to-see-what's-really-going-on. He's just not that into you, my sickened mantra, a repetition that I refuse to believe and yet keep repeating to myself because I know it's healthier. It is the peas and carrots of this love life, this life with Jonny. Rather, without Jonny.
I keep having this dream, and it's fucking with me.
Perhaps it's the notion of having him, of having him be mine. Perhaps it's the idea that our time will finally come, where our families forget that we're tied by the bounds of their union and not ours. But we've always been tied, not because we want to be but because we must be. I was forced on him with Gwen, eating peppermint patties and drinking blue slushies in the parking lot of the 7-11, both of us tired of every movement she made with boarding school bros. Our tongues were stained then and the mixture of both flavors was contradictory rather than complimentary, but the mint was cold, and so was the drink and so we ate them anyway. I have loved him all my life, until the end of my days, and absolutely nothing and nobody could ever change that. Then again, I've always had a flare for the dramatics.
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