miniature mouth.

[Deleted]

I reach for my phone every morning out of habit, despite there being nobody on the other end. No goodnight texts, nor good morning ones. There are no emails aside from my mother. There are no missed calls. There is only Percy's silence and I can barely stand not to care about it. It's my fault. It's always been my fault. I never took him seriously because I didn't think I had to. Surprisingly enough, he didn't stick around. It made me realize later that he loved me more than whatever fame I brought him, more than whatever clients I recommended. I thought I could throw him curve ball after curve ball and see if he'd dodge them, but he ended up having more self respect than I ever had for him or myself. I envy it a little, his ability to hold his head high and be talented at something. He's never been exploited, or harassed or hated for who he his, except by me. I am the worst girlfriend there ever was, blowing him off, ignoring his calls, posting pictures on a social media account read by 6 million people making a mockery of our relationship. It never mattered that I had genuine feelings. It never mattered that I look back on every picture he ever took of me and I of him with love. None of that matters now because I let Percy De Vane walk out of my life. It began with Nate. Actually, it began earlier than that, with my necessity for attention. First it was enough to be the subject of Percy's lens, then the whole world, but I wanted something selfish. I wanted infamy. I wanted to make money for my family, more money than my sister (though now that I think about it, that's going to be nearly impossible, and yet another lesson that I am still learning). I wanted my own clothing line and Victoria Beckham bags and Kate Somerville Goat Milk Moisturizer. I can remember every single list I ever made, detailing everything I ever wanted to buy. However, I could never remember Percy. I could never remember what it was like to make him happy. It had been so long since that last happened. My nineteenth birthday was a disaster. I was drunk, in love with Percy to the point that it drove me away. I had worked hard never to feel those things for him, but he made it impossible, with his puppy dog eyes and the way the hair on the back of his neck curled when he slept. I used to lay on top of his back, my cheek pressed into his skin while he talked to me through the pillow. He made me laugh with his muffled voice, saying nonsensical things that I could never understand. He always used to turn the volume down on soccer when he watched it and let me sleep, letting it play on mute even though I am the heaviest sleeper known to man. I should never have kissed my best friend's older brother. I should have never allowed it to air on television. I should have told him that I loved him and I should have cried when he left. I have so many regrets when it comes to him. I never mean to laugh, or be malicious. He makes me nervous in all the best ways, but he also makes me conscious of my flaws in ways that I have never been aware of, in ways that not even five years of reality TV could elicit from my belly. I'd love to blame it all on my parent's choice to air our lives for the rest of the world to see on Thursdays at 9pm, but I could have taken it all back at any moment. I could have respected him. I decided to act like this out of a distinct, irrational fear. Percy De Vane is the only boy I've ever loved, the only boy I ever will love. If I'm lucky, one day he'll forgive me but until then I'll remain bitter and unwanted until the very end.