lo / high

[athena mccarthy]

Athena's cheeks burn pink as a buzz settles into her system. The rings on her fingers tap against her Tom Collins as she presses it against her plush lips and drains it. She feels her phone buzz against her and plucks it from her purse. "Sorry for bailing early. I'll see you later?" Thena rolls her eyes at the message. She knows Jack can't help it and his kids come before her, but she resents him for leaving. Pettiness over comes her and she makes sure her read receipts are on, before chucking it back in her purse. She wasn't sure what she expected from this evening. Arriving in a dress that was too short for her long legs, Athena had been chatty and charming for most of the evening. But when Jack left, her energy drained and she began to feel introverted. As the sun began to set and honey poured over the sky, she didn't feel like flirting with her past and playing friendly with the pretty bushy browed girl who'd snatched her role. The blonde moved through the crowd as best as she could. She tried to become as much as a wallflower as she could, though her tanned figure against her yellow dress made her stand tall like a sunflower. Julian's mother's eyes lay on her and it makes her feel like bricks are sitting heavily on her shoulders. The weight doesn't seem to lift as she turns a corner and pushes open the front door. She fishes out her phone to request an Uber.

[Deleted]

All evening Julian's eyes had followed one person. Well, two. A couple. Despite barely nodding his hello to his former flame, Athena's presence in the room was stifling, distracting, and difficult-- and not just for him. As soon as she had entered the room he could see Louisa stealing glances at her, obviously assessing the shortness of her dress, the attractiveness of her date. He had religiously avoided mentioning her to his bride to be, but their social circle was small, and her parents were as acquainted with the McCarthys as his were. Rich people problems. The room was full of those rich people, all of them congratulating the couple, shaking his hand and kissing her cheek. All bar Athena. With Louisa distracted by her cousins begging to inspect her ring, Julian seizes the opportunity for a greedy look in Athena's direction. Suddenly she seems very much solo, and before he can quite realise it she's opening the door. "I'll be right back," he says to his fiancee, feeling no desire to clarify further.  Heading after her, he ignores the burning sensation of his mother's eyes on his retreating back. Sure enough, once he steps out into the sunshine he sees the telltale sign of a girl stood on a corner. Briefly he wondered if prostitutes minded how much Uber users must have invaded their workspace. "You know, it's customary to offer your congratulations at these things," he said cooly. She shone even brighter now that they were outside, her yellow dress reflecting the sun and making her look almost as though she were glowing. He felt drab in his tucked in white tee and tapered charcoal trousers. His too-white Nike Air Force 1s felt less comfortable all of a sudden. "Where's your plus one? Hope he won't abandon the wedding too, rural Vermont doesn't have the strongest Uber offering."

[athena mccarthy]

Athena's finger slides open her phone and she hovers on Jack's last message. Truthfully, she's never played mean girl as well as her cousin and she feels a guilty pang in her pit. "No issue, babe. I'm on my way, want to order in? <3" she sends off her text and sighs, the feeling of abandonment rolls off her shoulders but is replaced by the dread of seeing his screaching kids. Her glossy lips press together and her hand blocks the glare of the sun from her phone. A voice behind her makes her jump and her hand falls on the side of her breast. "You scared me!" she accuses and fixes a smile on her face, "it was hard to get your attention, I didn't want to compete.. I was going to text you though." She tucks a strand of golden hair behind her ear and straightens up. She feels colour drain from her face at the word wedding. "His.. uhm, his wife called. Almost ex-wife. Something with the kids," her slight body shrugs. "I think Vermont has horses, if my five year stint in equestrianism serves me, we'll be fine."

[Deleted]

He glances up at the road to see if there was the telltale sign of a slow approaching Prius, willing her not to have ordered it yet. They kept doing this, co-existing at events that one of them would always threaten to leave. If there was ever a time to let her go then Julian knew it would be this one, and yet, now that he was out here with her the idea of returning to that din without seemed unfathomably bleak. The corners of his lips twitch into a glimpse of a .smile as she jumps. "Sorry. You know I exist on stealth mode as much as possible." This was true. Despite his height and how physically imposing he could be, especially in the courtroom, he had spent much of his life trying to shrink into the background, where he would be more likely to be left alone. He often did this, appearing Batman-like with no warning sounds, just a sudden presence at your elbow.  As she talks he tilts an eyebrow, though he stays tellingly silent. Wife. It seemed insane that anyone their age could be married, nevermind divorced, and even proposing himself had not cured him of his weirdness around the subject. He laughs shortly at her comment, imagining her riding away on horseback. With her boyfriend. His stomach twists and he banishes the mental image. "I hope you don't take this as a criticism," he says, being careful to choose his words wisely. "But I never took you for the stepmother type. Or, at least not for another few decades."

[athena mccarthy]

Her weight shifts from one foot to another, her strappy high heels making her feet numb the longer she stands. She'd spent most of the evening floating between social groups, charming guests as she introduced Jack and filling them in on her parents' life events. Apart from the bride-to-be's side, she knew everyone by name as they flew in the same flock. She was good like that when Julian and her were together. Even in a short dress, she was a hit with her elders and made them feel memorable. But without her date, Athena felt charmless and lost her point. She'd become suddenly aware of the pain in her toes. The blonde takes an unusual offence to his remark. Her lack of maternal instinct is a sore spot. She's well aware of it and the wear it inflicts in her relationship. "Well, I never took you for the married type," she stiffens and looks up at orange sky peaking through the palm trees. "I'm sorry. She seems lovely, she's very pretty," she looks down at her phone, the rates are high and there's few drivers available. She wishes she had something to fidget with. "I'm not really good with the kids. They hate me. I think they're sticky... the boy dropped ice cream on me, the girl threw sand at me. And Jack says they're just little and think we're friends. But they think I'm a fembot."

[Deleted]

Julian steals a glimpse at his watch, wondering how long it would take for Louisa to notice his absence. It was obvious that his fiancée worked hard to maintain the appearance of indifference when it came to his sullenness, but that she struggled being with someone so solemn. He felt guilty when he saw her swallow back criticisms, when her sweetness and fear of confrontation stopped her from complaining about his absences, his lack of affection, his apparent disinterest in most facets of her life. It was the way she was raised, he supposed. Stern, quiet father, and a bashful, sweet natured mother. Some women wore their privilege like it was nothing, whilst those like his own mother weaponised it. Some were airily indifferent to it, like Athena, or maybe Tate. Then there were the Louisas of the world, who seemed to have so much but in reality paid for their wealth with a whole lot of forced social niceties. He was a decent man from a well bred stock— for her, that was enough. He reminded himself of this fact as he stood with Athena, forcing himself to remember that it was she who had let him go, and not the other way round. “A fair point. Mm, she is very sweet.” It didn’t feel like he was talking about his soon to be wife; more like he was referring to a polite waitress. As she speaks he feels an odd sense of relief. Had she taken to her newfound status as a mother figure, it would only have broken his heart over what could have been. “Kids can be cruel. I’ve no doubt you’re doing everything you can, just give it time.”

[athena mccarthy]

Her phone buzzes and she ignores it. Julian seems patient. His features are soft as he agrees with her about his sweet partner. She's spent a lot of energy disliking Louisa since she'd heard of her and now she wonders if she's better than she gave her credit for. Maybe she's given him a sense of calm, more than she had. They looked the part and maybe they were the part. The young girl was like Athena. She handled the crowd like a perfect princess. Though unlike Athena, she hadn't set her status on fire. She doubted Louisa's sexual fantasies ever left her mind, let alone blasted on a podcast. She nods, her feet shuffling to get comfort. Jack's kids saw right through her bullshit and rinsed her for it. She plays with the strings on her sleeves and shrugs, "yeah. Maybe." She's too ashamed to admit that she wants the kids out of the picture and she was like an evil stepmother. "You're probably missed though, you should head back to your party. I can't wait for the wedding, it should be fun."

[Deleted]

Even with the balm that was knowing she was struggling with it, the thought of Athena playing house stung. It was difficult for Julian to comprehend that she would willingly and even enthusiastically enter into a relationship with a father of two young kids. He was familiar enough with Jack, had been at similar parties and no doubt would have had plenty of friends in common with the man, had he many friends to begin with. He held no particular opinion of him other than that he could not understand what he brought to the table to balance out such an unbelievable burden. Julian assumed that his situation was obvious, that Athena would have received the invite and known immediately that he and Louisa had been thrust together by their parents, that it was only his apathy and her eagerness to please that kept them together. He had grown fond of her, was even charmed by her— but like hell would he have proposed without real coercion. But there’s something in Athena’s demeanour that makes him wonder if she had failed to see that. Maybe she was just so loved up she didn’t care, or was seeing the world through rose tinted glasses. He let’s out a short laugh, taking a step closer to her and lowering his voice. “Really? I mean really. You really think my wedding will be fun?” He paused, looking away from her, glancing over his shoulder. “Don’t you want to meet her? She’d love to meet you. She’s a big fan of the podcast.”

[athena mccarthy]

Julian moves a little closer and she smiles at the movement, characteristically grinning at her own words. "I'll help make it fun," she suggests. The idea of his wedding made her stomach twist and a lump grow wide in her stomach. Moments ago she'd been braver and imagined herself being there, just to spite the moment. Now that the idea is in the open, she's running through excuses for her absence and her imaginary itinerary has been locked away. She shakes her head at his offer, forking a hand through her glossy strands she let's her hair fall back to her nape. "Another time. I'm not my best self, I'm exhausted," she flicks her eyes back to her phone and looks at the time. Leaving a party before the sun was unlike her. She briefly wonders what people might think. His mother must be overjoyed that she won. "And starving. Who set the menu? God, I'd kill for some Zankou Chicken."

[Deleted]

It was an image that was beyond absurdity to Julian, who could not even begin to picture his wedding with Athena anywhere other than front and centre. As beautiful as Louisa undoubtedly was, he knew the radiant blonde would draw his eye from his blushing bride, a siren whose song he still struggled to resist. Worse still, the idea of her sat there with another man, bouncing his child on her knee. Maybe he'd have to call the whole thing off just to spare himself the sight. "You'll have to be on your very best behavior. My mom will put some sort of curse on you for all eternity if you get between her and her dream daughter-in-law." In truth he had not been the only one unable to resist comparisons between his ex and his current girlfriend, though Juliette Buchanan took a rather more harsh look at it. She couldn't resist commenting on Louisa's youth, her wholesome job, her manners. This too tempted him to call things off. She rakes a hand through her hair and she's all cheekbones and glossy, swishing locks. His heart hurts. To busy himself and also to furnish himself with some sort of excuse for leaving, he fishes out a box of cigarettes and takes a few moments to light one. "Louisa is staying at her parents' tonight," Julian says, the words tumbling out of his mouth completely of their own accord. "If you stay for the rest of the party I'll drive you home and get you any food you like en route. Please, just stay. It won't be too long." This is as close to begging as he has ever been in his life, though his tone is as impassive as always. He looks at her as he takes a drag, his eyes imploring. "Please," he repeats, hating how pathetic he sounds but hating the idea of her leaving more.

[athena mccarthy]

She rolls her eyes at mention of his mother. Athena used to be proper around his parents. Perfect little Athena, in her peplum dress and demure. Her pleases and thank yous and touching Julian underneath the dinner table. Juliette had appreciated Athena when she was playing fiction, which explained why she was so taken by the reality of Louisa. "That only makes me want to be bad." She watches as he retrieves a box of cigarettes and greedily steals one away from him. Pressing her lips around it, she leans into a flame and lets a trail of smoke fall from her mouth. She leans her head to one side and frowns. "Jack's in the Hills..." her frown deepens as she looks at him. She's confused by both how much and what he's saying. "Are you okay?"

[Deleted]

He's not sure what's come over him. Was this sunstroke? He felt clammy all of a sudden, and the idea of returning to that room full of people he mostly disliked had gone from being a mild inconvenience to an all out prospect of horror. He watches her as she lights her cigarette, watching her every move, wordlessly imploring her to save him from the fate he is only just now realising he's signed himself up for. He hadn't felt this out of his depth since they split up, when he had been so violently thrust out of his usual apathy that his whole personality momentarily changed. For weeks he allowed himself to be mothered by Juliette, who relished having her youngest regress.She would bring him food and stroke his forehead, he would actually indulge her in bouts of conversation, and conversation about his feelings at that. He had been mortified once he had started to recover, but right now, he could do with her coming outside and taking control. He's nodding as she mentions her boyfriend, trying to return to sanity. He nods a fraction too long. Taking a deep drag, he tears his eyes away from her and tries to pull himself together. "Are you okay?" He wants to laugh, he so obviously is not okay. "Is this stupid? Athena, am I fucking up my life?" Just as he asks the question he hears the door open behind him, making him freeze up. He knows it's her before he looks, but that doesn't make it any easier for him to turn and see Louisa stood there, with a justified look of concern on her face. "Julian?" He stands for a second, before awkwardly holding up the barely-there stub of the cigarette. "Just having a smoke, will be back in a second," he says, his usual monotone returning. He takes another drag and turns to Athena, before sensing that Louisa hasn't moved. "Lou, I said I'd be back in a minute," he said, his tone hardening. She looked at him for a few seconds longer, obviously weighing up her options. Eventually she smiled, nodding. "Of course. See you inside."

[athena mccarthy]

"Oh, Jules," she looks at him sadly, her dusty blues filling with empathy for him. She doesn't know how Julian landed himself in this situation. He was the most stubborn person she knew. He wasn't good with change and he didn't warm into plays easily. When Piper told her about Louisa, she was shocked and unconvinced. But now a few weeks later at their engagement party, Athena had fully bought into it. Until just about now, as she reads Julian's eyes and fishes for a refund. The front door creaks and she looks up to see a bronzed brunette, her sparkly eyes looking confused at the two of htem. Athena keeps to herself, looking away to the driveway as she puffs away at her cigarette. She listens as Julian's tone becomes stern and Louisa silky sweet voice returns. Obedient little thing. The door presses closed and there's a hollowness to the air. The wind softly breezes through the dry air and lifts Athena's dress gently. "I don't see it going well," she admits and looks back to him, "it's just not you. Big dumb parties with tiny bits of food, your parents being pleased with your choice of wife... Jack's kids don't even know what a fembot is, they need to meet her."

[Deleted]

Julian watches as Louisa retreats, wondering just what on earth could be going through the young woman's head. If he had tried to talk to Athena like that, dismissing her so he could talk to his ex, he'd have been castrated and rightfully so. He felt that immense guilt once more. It had not occurred to him that in damning himself he would be damning her too. Imagining them in a big old house in New York had been easy, as he'd only been seeing himself hiding in his office, saying little over meals, buying her extravagant gifts on special occasions to try and make up for his usual lack of effort. But what would that have really been like for her? He was used to settling, he had finally settled into this career, his family dynamic. It didn't seem fair to settle now, not when it would be dragging someone else down with him. As Athena speaks he nods slowly, though he gives her a slightly sharp look as she calls Louisa a fembot. "She's trying," he says, his already bad guilt worsening. He sighs heavily, feeling sick and confused. Athena knew him, knows him even, but she's hardly an unbiased judge, and in any case, she had already turned away from this life more effectively than he had. What was the point in becoming a corporate lawyer if he wasn't going to keep on selling out? Why did he have to assume that he would be a terrible husband, he would at least be faithful, reliable, a decent father. "Maybe I'd grow into it," he says, no doubt giving her whiplash. He drops the cigarette to the ground, crushing it underfoot. "It's all well and good to run away from everything while you're young, Thena, but one day you just don't have the energy to keep running."

[athena mccarthy]

She shakes her head at him, "and why is she doing it? No offense, but she could have her pick of the room and I know how good you are, but you took ages to warm up." Unexpectedly, his question had made her feel more panicked than anything else. She had a list of reasons why him marrying a woman he barely knew was an obviously bad path. But the feeling of guilt scratched at her chest and despite her clear list, she felt unjustified in protesting the uncoming events. Athena had given him up, so who was she to dictate his marriage. Maybe he did love her and she him, love isn't always clear in the public eye. Behind closed doors, he might shower Louisa in affection. But a sad jealousy puts that thought off. "Maybe you will," she tries to sound hopeful and empathetic, but being a cheerleader for Louisa takes effort. "I don't even know what do say to that. You sound like a little emo boy. It's not running away if you don't marry someone. There is no rulebook for your life. I know it might seem like it's easier to please everyone, but it's a lot more fun to ruffle some feathers and do what you want."