lo / high

[athena mccarthy]

She sighs and shakes her head, "you haven't even made an effort to know me. You're so in love with teenage Athena." She doesn't know what to say, she wishes she could open him up and rewire his stubbornness. She nods at his request, and kicks her feet off the hood. "Okay," she shrugs, shoes and purse in hand she makes the walk across the cold pavement to the entrance. The long blonde sits in the grass with her phone in hand. Her phone buzzes to tell her that her ride has cancelled and frustrated at everything, she chucks it across the lawn. Looking over her shoulder, she can see that the light of Julian's cigarette had gone out. She pulls out her wallet and sifts through it, trying to find a crumbly joint that she knows she's hidden in case of emergency. She finds it between old receipts and when she lights it, it tastes vintage.

[Deleted]

He mulls over what she's saying, and there's some truth to it. It's not just that he is in love with teenage Athena, he also misses teenage Julian. He misses rebelling against his parents and refusing to conform to their expectations. He misses how easy things were between them, whether they were skipping school or passing notes. It had been well remarked upon that he was a different person when he was with her, and somewhere between those heady teenage days and now they had lost their way. He had always put it down to the pregnancy, but if he was honest with himself, things had started to slip long before. He had started to buckle under the weight of his parents' expectations, he had freaked out after they left school. It's with a cold horror that he realises it was he who changed, not her. Watching her slink off, Julian's guilt morphs into something bigger than himself, so big he feels it'll crush him. He stomps out what's left of the fire in the box, bits of paper singed and crisp but legible. He swears under his breath, before finally making himself leave, following her and being greeted by the familiar scent of weed. He stands above her, sighing before he speaks. "I'm an asshole. I'm sorry."

[athena mccarthy]

Athena feels her body slow and everything soften. The evening had taken such a traumatic turn for the two of them. From little jabs on the internet to Julian handing her a match and her dropping said match into a box of them. She has this guilt in the pit of her stomach and a nagging feeling that she's behaved like a total asshole. Pent up frustration that had piled up over the years had just exploded and she'd left pieces of shrapnel everywhere. Heavy eyes look up to see Julian, who is apologizing for being an asshole while she's been the asshole all along. She holds the shriveling joint up to him, "I could have been nicer." Deep in the grass she can see the blue light of her phone shining and vibrating. "I don't think we can coexist. We should ignore each other from now on."

[Deleted]

He takes the joint gratefully, inhaling deeply. The smoke fills his lungs and he's immediately soothed, though the scent will cling to him and he knows there will be even more rumours circulating when he finally returned. For once he didn't care. He felt embarrassed by his own sulky behaviour, for being so childish and punishing her for something that happened so many years ago now. It was pathetic, really. Athena had nothing to do with his marriage-- he couldn't keep holding her responsible for his own bad decision making. "I had it coming," he said, holding out his hand for her to take. What she says next pains him and unusually for him, he lets it show. "I think we can. I'll stop being such a huge pussy... I'll marry Louisa, I'll stop blaming you for everything." He pulls her up to her feet. Now that they're close he can smell her perfume mixing with the scent of weed, a nostalgic combination that knocks some of the air out of his lungs. "Is your Uber on its way? I can give you that ride."

[athena mccarthy]

Something in the air has changed. The tension has dissipated between them and the air has cooled. But that could be the weed making her ignorant of the aggressive pile she'd just created. Though the tension gone, she's still filled with an immense sadness. She feels as though she wants to cry and that if she'd let her guard down, her eyes would brim with tears and she'd just become a sobbing mess. A frown fixes itself on her face and she takes his hand, only to fall back against the chainlink fence when she's on her feet. "You should only do it if it's something you want," she doesn't want to accuse him of not wanting to be married, but she makes sure her tone is suggestive of it. "They cancelled. But it's okay. I think I like how quiet it is here, I'm gonna hang out for a bit. You get back to your party. We can talk in a while. "

[Deleted]

The fence clinks as she falls back against it and he wonders what they must look like to anyone walking past. Young lovers fooling around? Trespassers, maybe? It's a still night and a little chilly, though he doesn't have a jacket to offer her. He's softened in the past few minutes, though there's still a dull ache in his chest as he tries to forget some of the things that have been said.  He doesn't let go of her hand. It's soft and smooth in his, dwarfed. "Louisa's a nice girl," he says softly, resigning himself to his fate and not feeling as panicked by the prospect. He shakes his head as she tries to shoo him away. "Do you know how guilty I'd feel if I drove you out here to the middle of nowhere and abandoned you? It's alright though, we can both stay a while if you want. We don't even have to talk."

[athena mccarthy]

She lets her hand be held, smiling at him when he mentions that Louisa's nice. "You've said. What else is she?" She takes another drag and holds it to her lungs before turning away from him to let fumes fall from her lips. She's still shaken with how the past half hour has went. It feels almost surreal that he's come back to hold her hand and tell her he's sorry. She's sure they've done this in the past. Especially at the end, she was always taking off and he would soon run after her. Everything feels like a hazy dream. "I have pepper spray and a knife. Really, I can handle myself," she doesn't fight it though and gives a sure nod, "okay." Slipping her hand from his, Athena slides down the fence and back to the ground. "You can finish this," she waves her hand up at him.

[Deleted]

The smoke plumes around them, curling from her full lips. He had come back in to her parents' Christmas party smelling like weed, and Juliette had berated him in sharp, hostile French for the next hour. It was hard to imagine how badly she would react to him returning to his own engagement party reeking of the stuff, having left with his ex girlfriend. Maybe he'd stop off and get changed on the way back. He thinks about her question, examining Louisa in his mind. "She's really hot," he adds with a grin. Was being hot and nice enough? Weirdly it felt like it was, but then this was a man who hadn't dated anyone for years. He misses her hand as soon as it's gone, though he uses his free hand to take the joint back. He doesn't want to sit on the ground, knowing that grass stains would be just another clue that he hadn't simply fulfilled the role of Uber driver... but then he was going to get changed anyway, wasn't he? He sits down opposite her, taking a drag and holding the smoke for a few seconds before exhaling slowly. Her long, golden legs are so close to him and he's desperate to reach out and touch them, but he forces himself to resist. "We'll have to wait for my head to clear a bit before I can drive."

[athena mccarthy]

Her lips ease into a smile, "she really is, you did well for yourself." The words should be painful to say, but oddly enough, they're not. Hot and nice didn't have significant weight in a relationship. She'd learnt from short term relationships and flings, that looks weren't good enough. While good looking men had been something she'd focused her early twenties on, now that she was edging on 27 she was turning her eye towards something else. Jack checked off everything on her list and his looks were a bonus. Unfortunately, she'd mistook fatherhood for a form of maturity. Where Jack was mature, him being a father was more of an issue than she realized. "Mhm," she's watching the road. Cars pass them, with curious drivers taking eyes off the road to look at back at her on the grassy slope. Her legs tuck into her chest and she's careful to position the fabric of her dress so that she's not flashing anyone. She rests her cheek on her knees and looks at Julian. "I don't think I'm happy."

[Deleted]

It was easy to compliment Louisa's looks around Athena, and it was not something he did with any malice. Commenting on someone's good looks around Athena McCarthy was like complimenting someone's tennis skills to Serena Williams, the comparison just didn't stack up. He took some pride in her comment on him doing well for himself, falling prey to that very male ego driven desire to have a partner more attractive than oneself. Of course, looks should not have been such a dominant part of what he was looking for in a wife, but then Julian had become shallow, having given up hope of finding anyone more substantial a long time ago. It also helped that he had compared himself to Jack and decided that he was the better looking one. Better than him in every respect, actually, as far as he was concerned. That is, except for in the girlfriend department. He feels sick with guilt for having had this thought but he can't help it, he feels possessive of her in a way he had never felt about any other girl. It's an effort to drag his eyes away from her, but he forces himself to focus on the passing cars. As she speaks he snaps back to look at her, feeling a rare pang of empathy. "No?" he asks softly. He dares to run a hand over her back, giving her a little tug, encouraging her to move in closer. With his arm around her, he leans his head on top of hers. "Me neither. We're such brats, aren't we? Try as we might to deny it, we get given everything and we're still not satisfied."

[athena mccarthy]

Athena moves into him, her body becoming lax just as her lips become loose. She feels the warmth of him as he leans his head against hers and it's a comforting compared to what he says. With privilege came guilt. The opportunities she's been gifted mean that for her unhappiness shouldn't exist. It's frustrating that she's made to feel too privileged to have bad days. And thinking this, makes her feel all the more guilty because her struggles are nothing compared to most. She smiles though, trying to be lighthearted. "It's silly to think that there's a checklist for unhappiness. I don't know if I'm unsatisfied.. I'm just, I don't know. I feel like I'm forgetting something all the time," she huffs, "I have my keys, I have my phone, I changed my underwear, I switched off the oven, I watered my plants. What did I forget?"

[Deleted]

As she leans into him his heart swells in his chest. Athena was the only person to have ever had this effect on him and it's hard to digest, the fact that even now, after all these years, small amounts of contact can reduce him to the nervous teen he once was. He listens to her as she speaks, nodding though he didn't feel quite the same way. "Sounds like early onset Alzheimer's," he says, trying to keep his smile from his voice.  What was he felt that was different? There was nothing in the world that Julian enjoyed less than talking about his feelings, fuck, even thinking about them felt like a big ask. But if not now, when? Clearly this was all getting to him, if his little outburst earlier was anything to go by. How long could he go on pretending things were okay, when would the next blow up be and how much deeper in would he be by then? He imagined Louisa saying she was pregnant and the idea made him cold with fear. "I guess I'm just waiting for everything to feel right. I've done everything anyone's asked of me, have done for years now, and I keep expecting it to feel like I did the right thing." He sighs. "It never does."

[athena mccarthy]

Now that the sun has pulled under the horizon and navy has taken over the sky, a chill sets into the air. Athena moves even closer, so that her bare legs touch his dress pants and her torso fits into his. A selfishly made move, she can feel warmth radiate from his body and onto hers. She laughs a little at his joke, "I just feel naked." Her heart hurts listening to him speak. She'd always felt so free. But unlike his parents, hers held little expectation, they'd only wanted her to be happy. She'd done what she wanted and what felt right, they supported her through every step and mis-step. The Buchanan's household was run like a dictatorship. When they were together, Athena had always encouraged Julian to see the colours of the world. But years later, she could see that they'd kept him in greyscale. "Maybe you didn't do the right thing. Maybe the right thing isn't what they want," she reaches for his hand and gives it a little squeeze, "you need to do something for you. Taste the rainbow.. like Skittles, you know?"

[Deleted]

She scoots in closer to him and he has to take a second to adjust to it. Once he has, he picks her legs up and lifts them on top of his, so they're as huddled together as it's possible to be. Her legs are smooth and soft under his touch and he's grateful to Los Angeles, since in New York she'd be riddled with goosebumps and they wouldn't have been afforded this opportunity for skin on skin contact. Not that skin on skin contact with his former flame was even something he should be craving, though craving it he was. He grips his hand and it's more comforting than he could have imagined. His relationship with Athena wasn't just a standout because she was such an extraordinary person, but because it had been over his formative years, at a time when he was just figuring himself out. He had always been a closed off, disinterested person, but with Athena he had an intimacy that he had with literally no one else, and it was in her company that he finally felt like he could stop pretending, even if it was only for a little while. He laughs a little as she mentions Skittles. "You back on that bullshit?" he says with a grin, since it was something she'd said to him a million times. He squeezed her hand back. "I really miss you. All the time."