lo / high

[Deleted]

He watches her as she speaks, the way her full mouth moulds words. She had a remarkable gift for putting her foot in it sometimes, something he rarely did, since he rarely said much at all. "She's too good for me is what you're saying," he says, deadpan. He had not thought himself to be the easily offended type, more someone who could handle the truth in its purest, most direct form. And yet somehow this comment hits him right in the gut. On paper he had everything going for him, but Athena knew better than anyone the differences between that and reality. His wealth, good looks and pedigree were very poor substitutes for the warmth and good humour of other men, and she was right, there were plenty of people in that room who had all of the above and then some. Athena being one of them. It feels less like she's defending Louisa and more like she's speaking from experience, though she's obviously intending to be kind. It smarts. "It's a lot more fun for you to do that, yeah. Obviously. But I give too much of a fuck to go trampling all over people for the sake of my own hedonism," he says, proving himself wrong about his inability to put his foot in his mouth. The words are sour on his sharp tongue. "I'm not narcissistic enough for that. If I'm honest, Athena, I don't think I'm ditsy enough to either."

[athena mccarthy]

She laughs in his face, "no, if I had meant that I would have said it." Julian is projecting and she looks at him like a patient mother. It was only a matter of time before the pot boiled over and created a mess. She checks off a list in her mind: insult career, check. Call names, check. Belittle, check. Julian has anger management issues and it makes that something that she wants from him go away. She craves Jack now. In areas that Julian was cold, he was warm and she wants to be in that coziness. She thinks of the buzzing in her hand and looks down to look at the text message. He's a mind reader, suggesting what she wants without her even having to say it. Why was she arguing against marriage. "You're right, you should get married to her. She's beautiful and seems to go with your flow, I'm sure you'll have a lifetime of happiness," she smiles, "seriously! I thought for a moment that it was wrong, but obviously that was foolish and my mind is changed."

[Deleted]

There wasn't a single feeling Julian hadn't felt being in Athena's presence today. First he had been pleased to see her, then he'd been jealous at the sight of her date. He felt a deep depression at seeing them mingle with their shared acquaintances, thinking of how awkward everyone else would find it, sure that everyone else could see right through his impassive mask. He felt nervous to see her go, and now he felt angry that she wasn't fixing his mistakes for him. It was a typical Julian outburst; quick, cruel, unjustified. He felt his blood cool as she refused to engage with him on his level, though this frustrated him too. He sighs for the millionth time. There were still nasty things swirling around his mind, wipe for the picking. He could call her a glorified prostitute, but that would seem a little ridiculous, given that up until a few weeks ago he was the one with a penchant for them. "I don't think you've got it in you to be happy for me. Even though you're the one who ended it all, you want me to sit around and pine after you forever.'

[athena mccarthy]

She narrows her eyes at him. Defeat. He sighs, but it's more a sigh of frustration than a sigh of relief. Athena rests her backend on the bannister and faces him squarely. They contrasted so much. Athena with her golden hair and skin, she always tried to remain optimistic and listen to reason. Julian pale and dark, a natural pessimist and stubborn as can be. It was no wonder they always ended up here with Julian pointing fingers and Athena where she was now, wondering how quickly Uber would get here if she ordered now. Her eyes flutter with annoyance. "I'm not making you do anything! If you want to sit around and throw darts at my face, that's fine.. whatever. I didn't ruin your life."

[Deleted]

Inside Louisa would be wringing her hands, smiling away questions of where her fiance was. Julian knew this was wrong and yet he still stood where he was, unable to tear himself away, refusing to leave things on such a bad note if he could help it. Which of course he could, though that was not to say that he would. The sun continued to beat down on them, on his exposed arms and her exposed legs, warming their skin and blurring imperfections. He remembered the feeling he'd had when Athena followed his brand spanking new Instagram account, how he had fretted internally about posting the picture of Louisa he had only just asked her to pose for. When he did only to be met by a fresh picture of Jack on his feed, he had felt a small rush-- maybe she felt the same way after all, maybe this was tit for tat. "You did ruin my life," he says flatly. He omitted the addition of 'many times' to that sentence, thinking of the break up, then the podcast, then the recent news that she had aborted his child all those years ago. She ruined his life as regularly as most people got haircuts. He waits a few seconds, mulling over what to say, trying to imagine what replies he might get and which he would hate the least. When he talks it's with less venom and a lot more frustration, exhaustion, even. "I invited you to be polite. Why did you come? Why did you have to use your plus one? I would never have come to your engagement party, much less with a date."

[athena mccarthy]

Athena tosses her head back and laughs rudely. "Oh come on. I left to live my life. What was I going to do? Stay? Have the kid I didn't want with the man I didn't want? Conceal my unhappiness?" She was seldom cruel, but what she says comes off as such. She's annoyed with him for putting his life on her, as if decisions she made she was a teenager had an effect on his twenty-eight year old life. "Pardon me. Not man, BOY." When he asks why she came, she rolls her eyes again. "Because you invited me and I showed up to be polite. Because we haven't be a we since ten years ago, so we no longer count for anything. My mom said it'd be nice to attend your arranged marriage. Because you shoved her in my face. He's my boyfriend, that plus one was for him. And you wouldn't bring a date because she'd probably be booked up that weekend."

[Deleted]

Her words hang in the air between them, though they echo, on repeat, in Julian's mind. The baby I didn't want with the man I didn't want. No matter what happened he knew he would remember those eleven words, the exact wording, the cadence, the look on her face as she said them. It was not like Athena to twist the knife, it was unlike her even to stick it in in the first place. But hearing it put so clearly, the irrefutable truth... Julian has been stood as still as a statue, colour drained from his cheeks. He feels as though he needs an inhaler. After what felt like an eternity of his just standing there looking at her, he clears his throat. "Hope you get home safe, thanks for coming. I'd better be getting back inside." His voice has slipped into the one he used for most encounters with other people, be them relatives or clients or even one of his very few friends. Monotone with a hint of forced politeness. He nods at her before heading back inside, trying to ignore his rising nausea and the sound of blood pumping hard in his ears.

[athena mccarthy]

It's a rush of adrenaline followed by an immediate rush of regret. "Jules," she starts, but it's too late. He's shutting her off and she has nothing left to say. She'd meant it, she'd meant practically every word. Simply, she hadn't wanted any of it and that's why she broke it off. But there were factors that went into it. They were kids and she had so many dreams and aspirations for life. Being stuck was her nightmare. Feeling faced with her decision, she feels seventeen and panicked with a boyfriend that wouldn't understand. She stands quietly for a few minutes, contemplating what she'd just said and whether she should call for her Uber. The look on Julian's face would haunt her the following weeks. Hurt. Her chest huffs and she makes her way back inside. She has no clear agenda, she has no idea how to undo the damage she just caused. But there's he is with Louisa and a wrinkled relative. "Hi," she delivers her usual smile to Louisa, "I'm sorry, I've been really rude. I'm Athena," her hand is a bit shakey as she reaches it our to meet the small girl's. She looks up to Julian, "I, uhm. I'm terrible. Honestly, such a bad person. I puked in my last Uber and I've been banned. Jules offered me a ride."

[Deleted]

With his mind racing and his heartbeat pounding, Julian returns to the bustling hall, immediately feeling the heat of eyes on him from all over the room. Clearly his absence had been noted, and it breaks his heart a little to see the relief on Louisa's face when he returns alone. Ignoring the smug expression on his mother's face as he passes her, he grabs a glass of whatever he can from a passing tray, beelining for Louisa and slipping an arm around her waist. He kisses her on the temple, forcing an almost convincing smile at whoever she was talking to. "Sorry, I probably stink of cigarettes. Hideous habit, I know, I know," he says, before leaning down to kiss Louisa's frail relative on both cheeks. "Thanks for coming, Marie. How long was the drive in the end?" It takes work for Julian to manage social niceties and for once he's grateful for the necessary effort, since it's distracting him from the blind desire to punch a wall. He's still talking when he feels Louisa stiffen in his arm, a sudden movement that makes him look up. A strange mix of dread and relief pass over him, too quickly to process, as a familiar blonde strides across the room. He can hear the whispers as Athena introduces herself, his breath caught in his throat as he figures out what she's doing. He glances up and sees Cassius staring straight at them, and for a split second he's tempted to say he's sure her dad can do it, he's kind of preoccupied... but then, wouldn't that confirm to everyone that something really was going on? As if it wasn't obvious. He resented her for making his private life public once more, though he saved the glaring for when they left the building. "I'll be back, fifteen minutes, tops," he says, kissing a crestfallen Louisa softly on the lips. It's a lot more PDA than he'd usually allow but it felt like the least he could do. "Come on," he says shortly to Athena, abandoning his glass and fishing his car keys out of his pocket. He shoots her a look as they leave the room, warning her not to so much as speak until they've left the building. Adrenaline is pumping through his body and he can't quite make sense of how he feels, though he definitely feels the intense sting of embarrassment. "You are a fucking joke," he spits as they walk to his Porsche. The silver gleams in the sunshine but he has no particular fondness for the flashy car. "Get in. You want to go for a drive, let's go for a drive."

[athena mccarthy]

Athena glances up to see the warry eyes of her father. They light up with curiosity but hold warning. When Cassius had spoken to her about Julian, it was a lot about how she felt. 'I just got an invitation to Julian Buchanan's engagement party.. Can you believe it? How are you holding up?' He'd texted her that a month ago. Athena wasn't as honest as she could have been, mostly because the idea and the feelings had been so confusing for her. Athena felt as though she wanted something, but she couldn't land on what she wanted. Which was worse than knowing or not feeling. When she told Cassius that she didn't know and that it was weird, he'd only squeezed her shoulder.. as if he'd had any idea, he'd had his love since high school and beyond. The blonde smiles and looks away politely when Julian shows affection towards the future Mrs. Buchanan. He's going to be raging and she'd not going to be prepared for it. "I'm really sorry for stealing him away, it was nice meeting you," Athena parts with a smile. Following slowly behind Julian's angry march, she falls back outside. A muted navy has taken over the sky and is joined by a dark chill. Athena rubs her arms a bit and ignores Julian's spasm. "Could you not drive like a maniac?" She's a little apprehensive to climb into the car and have her life in the hands of an angry Julian, but she opens the door and buckles in. "That was really cruel way of putting it, I'm very sorry," she peels off her heels and stretches her toes. "It's just true though, why don't you get it?"

[Deleted]

He ignores her plea to drive safely, tightening his grip on the steering wheel as the headlights light the way. He turns away from the Hills, driving in silence, his face stony. She stands by what she said though she apologises for the way she said it, but he's not listening. Bela Bartok's String Quartet No. 4 plays dramatically, picking up from where it had left off when he drove over here. Julian can't bring himself to so much as glance at Athena, though his initial hot anger dissipates to a cool depression as he drives. He's speeding but he's a good driver, neatly navigating the Los Angeles traffic that he knew so well. He's trying to push the thought of his abandoned fiancee out of his mind, feeling the pressure of mounting gossip every minute he's away. He wasn't fit for this, really-- the only lifestyle that suited him was that of a hermit, and now he couldn't remember why he'd ever turned away from that. Eventually he pulls into a storage facility. He punches in a code at the gate, finally pulling up outside a numbered unit. He gets out and fishes out the key, unlocking and pushing up the garage door. Inside is a handful of things left behind when he moved to New York; a motorbike, a plush, emerald green couch. On a shelf is a box and it's this that he pulls down, a thick sheet of dust over the lid. He puts it down on the couch. "Look," he says, pulling the lid off and throwing it over his shoulder. Inside is a shrine to their relationship. Every note she ever passed him in class, a t-shirt of his she used to sleep in that had smelled too much of her for him to bring back into use. There were polaroids and childhood friendship bracelets, gig tickets and scribbled spring break plans. Julian was the least sentimental person in the world; all his sentiment was poured into this box, his only weakness. He returns to the car, fishing around in the trunk for a second before returning with lighter fluid. Squeezing it over the box, the harsh smell of kerosene fills the space and he picks it up, dropping it on the concrete floor in front of her. "Here. Finish it once and for all, erase history," he says, lighting a match and holding it out for her.

[athena mccarthy]

"I said don't drive crazy," she grasps onto the door handle as Julian pushes the gas pedal. He's driving away from Jack's and onto the highway. She's listened to and watched too many shows about murder to know this isn't a good beginning. When he doesn't reply to her, she suspiciously looks in the back of the car, "you're not going to kill me, are you?" But he doesn't answer. Instead they're pulling into a shady storage facility. She raises an eyebrow at him, but he's not paying her attention. Instead he exits the car and unlocks one of the garage doors. He knows exactly where he's going and as she exits that car he pulls off a box and puts it on the couch. Look. She does. The years of memories that are inside the box make her stomach churn. She flicks through it for a moment, catching her face in a couple of polaroids - always the centre of attention. Embarrassing notes. His next move takes her by surprise. A chemical smell hits her nostril and then he lights a match. The match sits between her fingers and she contemplates his request. When the flame touches her skin she drops it on the box and just like that, Julian's shrine is a hot little bonfire. "I'm going to call my Uber."

[Deleted]

It's insane to be here with everyone so far away, stood in a room supposedly celebrating on his behalf. To all those who knew them as an item it would have been a familiar sight, the two of them leaving as soon as Athena gave the say so, Julian desperate to get out of any function at all and only making the effort to stay at her request. What didn't make sense about it was that they were no longer a couple, hadn't been for decades, and they both had different partners they should have been accompanying, be it by staying in his case or leaving in hers. He knew there would be numerous missed calls when he checked his phone, from all sorts of people, so he left it in the car.  Watching her as she shifts through the box, he searches her face for any sign of emotion and comes up empty handed. She drops the match on the collection like it's nothing, a move that twists his heart up in his chest, though he remains impassive. The heat from the box is impressive and annoyingly it casts a flattering glow on her face. "Go for it. I'm sure this goes without saying but you're uninvited from the wedding, and from any Buchanan function. I'll continue skipping the McCarthy ones." He lights another cigarette, sitting down on the couch and relaxing back into it. "Hope your car crashes."

[athena mccarthy]

She leaves the small fire and sits on the hood of his car. Cruel wasn't in Athena's nature. She was endearingly empathetic and often worried about how she wasn't making the world a better place. Dropping the match seemed like the only answer. Blind hate was better than confusion, and not lighting it up was like a promise she wasn't prepared to make. With her ride ordered, she sits with feet on the bumper and her chin on her knees; it was going to be a long ten minutes. Julian is scowling on the couch when she looks over at him. "It was healthier to light that shit on fire... I shouldn't have come, you're right," she wishes she had a joint to ease her nerves. "I mean, that's not history though. Those are just dumb little artifacts.. and I don't know what you want from me? You seem to expect things that you, of all people, should know I'm incapable of. I think you think I'm a different person. I thought you knew me the best, but you might actually know me the least."

[Deleted]

Julian felt hollow. The temptation to just stay here, maybe even to sleep here on this very couch, comes over him, and watching their shared life go up in flames makes him want to cry. He feels desperately depressed. He glances up at her as she sits on the hood of the car but makes no effort to tell her not to, not caring if she damaged the paintwork. He stays silent as ever, though when she looks over at him he's embarrassed by the fact he's already looking at her. He looks away, back to the burning box between them. Taking a drag, he listens carefully to what she's saying. He wants her to provoke him, so that he could at least feel purely angry, or purely upset. At the moment he's both, but he's also confused and guilty and above all else, lost. For a man who lived his life in absolutes it was a truly horrible sensation. "I realized that I don't know you at all the day you broke up with me, then I was convinced of that when I heard your first podcast. I don't know who the fuck you've become, but you seem to really love yourself, so at least you're happy with her. Get the fuck off my car, fuck off. Go wait at the entrance, they won't even be able to get in here."