. lost in yesterday

[jada carson]

Jada raises those signature brows and laughs. Jada's guarded around Finn. She's had a hard time letting loose around him this past year. She thinks far too much and that's always been an issue since she was little. Her thoughts got in the way of her making a move. Alcohol had made it easier and drugs had turned it off completely. Her legs are on his, but they're stiff. Like she's retracting any physical commitment. Mhm, she turns to the television to watch Joe Exotic in his sequin tiger striped blazer. She'd never understand the appeal of a nineteen year old. Young and pretty, definitely. But what similarities? What do you talk about with her, Leo DiCap? I just want to know.

[Deleted]

It feels like a bad impression of the warm, louche life they once shared. A waxwork scene, stiff and without warmth. The children add that when they're around, the most binding form of glue there was. When it was just the two of them it had the air of the uncanny valley, living together in the house they had spent years living together as a couple, only they weren't now. He oscillated wildly between joy and depression, but then he, like many who misguidedly used alcohol as a crutch, was a depressive by nature. And these days, everyone probably felt pretty off. But he wanted her to be normal, and that was never going to happen if they kept talking about Molly. He watched her watch the TV, only tearing his eyes away when she asked him a question. "Sienna used to ask that about you." It wasn't fair. As he'd gotten older the gap between himself and his younger counterparts had widened, becoming less and less appropriate with less and less common ground. He sighed, finishing his beer and letting his head rest back on the couch. Staring at the ceiling lights, blinded by them, he decided to be honest. "We don't talk that much. We fuck, she asks me to cast her in things, I make up excuses as to why I can't, she sulks, I say maybe I can, maybe, then we fuck again. Rinse and repeat."

[jada carson]

Jada shifts and folds one of her legs under the other. She had a difficult time trusting Finn. Although his choices weren't really her business anymore, they made him look dishonest. An almost forty year old dating a nineteen year old was slimy and said a lot about one's character. Him mentioning Sienna only highlighted the habit. She made the choice not to remark. That sounds fun, she hides her face with her drink and retracts both her legs from his to tuck them under her bum. She had been that girl. She'd been so hungry for a little bit of the spotlight. These past few years that part of her had shut down. I know it's the end of the world.. but that just means the highway is empty. I'm starving.

[Deleted]

Finn feels deeply uncomfortable. Being with Molly had distracted him from the inappropriateness of it all, her bubbly personality and desperation for his attention making it feel more natural than it was. He wasn't a stupid man, he knew this was a transactional thing, so why did he do it? That was harder to explain. When he had strayed with Jada it was because he was itching for youthful adventure and she was full of it, brimming over with it. It had been a physical thing at first, mostly, but there had been something about her that made him fall hard. Under the frivolity Finn was a deeply anxious person, and Jada had quietened that. Sure, the drugs had helped, but Jada had a balming quality that he had looked for in every woman since and never found. The conversation is too real for him, making him confront truths he didn't particularly want to contend with just now. That deep running anxiety was bubbling up to the surface, making his skin feel hot and his throat constrict. His legs feel cold without hers. He's about to tell her the truth, that he keeps trying to recreate what they had but that it never happens, it just makes him miss her all the more. But then she changes the subject and whilst his chest eases, so does his resolve. "I'm pretty tired, y'know," he says, forcing a yawn. "Might have to nap myself. I'll eat later, if anything's left," he smiles, almost naturally, alluding to Oliver's tenacious appetite. He gets to his feet. "Help yourself to whatever, obviously."

[jada carson]

She can feel the disappointment in the air. What little energy there was has been sucked from the room and had left it hollow. Her throat swells and she feels sad about it. For some reason she had thought that children would heal heartbreak. And although they had brought so much joy, they'd made this so much harder. Hey, come on, she reaches up for his arm and pulls at it. Settle down, you know this couch is the best for a nap, she reaches for the remote control and turns down the volume of the television. I wasn't judging you, she pulls a fluffy blanket over her legs and offers him a corner of it. I was just curious.

[Deleted]

He stands and looks at her for a moment. It was a scenario he never could have foreseen, the two of them being stuck here like this. He tried to work out the best course of action. Beating a hasty retreat had seemed like the best option, and the one he was most likely to take in normal life. Less confrontational, he liked to process things on his own, to work through his emotions and come back once he'd decided what to do. It was a quality that had infuriated Sienna, who wanted answers quickly, who wanted to work on everything collaboratively. It did have the side effect of making things drag on, and he did worry that that's exactly what would happen if he did choose to slope off now. But he didn't want to sit and pretend that everything was fine. Hating that he had to face up to this, he knew that he did, and so he sat back down on the couch. "Do you have a problem with me seeing Molly?" he asks directly, turning the TV off altogether. "I don't let her hang out with the kids, she hasn't even met them apart from the one time I picked Amelia up from your mom's. We're obviously not a serious thing, I don't intend on having her be their stepmom."

[jada carson]

She'd totally forgotten that her name was Molly. Molly was frumpy, Molly wasn't a dog. She wasn't an Amazonian supermodel. Jada rolls her eyes and rests her head on the back of the sofa. I just said otherwise, she's annoyed when he switches off the TV. So much so that she grabs the remote and switches it back on. It's your life and your choices. The moment they start effecting me and the kids, I'll let you know, she finishes her drink and turns her head to the screen. I don't care.

[Deleted]

"Yeah, and I didn't believe you then either." It feels unnatural to talk like this, and adrenaline courses through him at this most slight of confrontations. He was very much a 'let's ignore this problem until it resolves itself' kind of guy, and he was already regretting getting into this. As she turns the TV back on he feels a petty urge to turn it off again, to assert dominance over his house. He would have done so if it weren't for the fact they were stuck here for the foreseeable and he didn't think he could stand there being that much tension between them come tomorrow morning. "Cool. Then next time, don't be curious," he says, pettily imitating her voice on the last word before going up to get another beer. "Mind your fucking business."

[jada carson]

Please don't swear at me, she pushes herself further from him. If you act like a douche, I'll leave. Jada was stern but quiet. Her kids waking up to their parent's fighting was a nightmare. Imagine all the trauma tagged along with that - they'd be forever alone. But this was it. All that tension was flowing out. Do you want me to leave? You can have some one on one time with your laptop. Catch up on work?

[Deleted]

A part of him yearns for her to leave. He wants to play Xbox, stalk Molly's OnlyFans, Facetime Savannah. But as soon as he thinks about it actually happening he starts to feel sick, the tension that hangs between them depleting his happiness like it was Target's supply of toilet roll. "No, don't leave," he says finally, not quite able to apologize but ready to work his way up to it. It irked him that she'd ask about his private life if she didn't care at all-- no, it just irked him that she didn't care. The episode ends and seamlessly slips into another one, carnage unfolding before them. He stays silent and watches the TV without saying anything for a while. More than anything he wants to go for a walk, but that seems unwise. "Are you seeing anyone?"

[jada carson]

She thinks able to comfort of her home. The colourful walls, the rich wood textures, her massive plant family - god, she opened they wouldn't die. Here she felt like she was walking on eggshells. She just couldn't get comfortable enough. It would be cruel to leave though. To split Finn from the kids wouldn't be fair for any of them. Ollie already cried about wanting his dad during the week, he definitely couldn't cope for months. She sits in quiet, watching as a tiger rips someone's arm off and Joe puts on an EMT jacket to declare his business would never recover. She loves the extreme drama of it. When Finn asks if she's seeing anyone, Jada mocks, mind your own business. Then answering, no, I have an eight month old and a two year old. Nobody has that on their lists of interests. Honestly though, I have everything I want. I'm not looking for more.

[Deleted]

He wants to point out that she started it, but he lets the words go unsaid. As she says that she's not seeing anyone he nods knowingly, having seen the same thing play out when he'd left Sienna with Savannah. The stigma around single mothers was significant, but it still surprised him when normal, earthly things impacted someone like Jada, who was so ethereal and so completely not the norm. "Well. You know I can babysit whenever." He opens his phone to check on Amelia again, the sight of her softening any lingering resentment he felt. Suddenly they're disturbed by the bell, that signature Amazon Ring tone echoing out through the house. He goes to get the food, coming back and dumping it on the coffee table. He fishes out a container and takes a bite of a taco, though he's lost his appetite. "I'm gonna go nap."

[jada carson]

Jada nods at his offering, Definitely. Thank you. The bell chimes and Finn disappears, only to reappear with a brown paper bag. She nods, accepting the fact that he's walking away from the awkward discussion that lingers. She lays her head down on the couch and brings the soft blanket over her body. Her stomach has replaced hungry with anxiety and she lays there watching men with tigers. Not much later she's woken by a little body snuggling into her. She doesn't know at what point she fell asleep, but Netflix is asking her if she's still there. Hi, she grabs Oliver and holds him into her. He nuzzles into her shoulder. Her sweet boy was back. Are you hungry? she feels him nod. There's nachos in that bag. You want some? he murmurs yes and she reaches into the bag and pulls the container onto her lap.

[Deleted]

An uneasy feeling has settled into Finn's stomach. As happy as having his family around him had made him, the whole situation was providing an undercurrent of anxiety for him. He was worried about his dad getting sick, he was worried about the impact on the kids, he was worried about his ever-mounting workload, he was worried about the economic impact, he was worried about his brother's business, he was worried about how worried he was. The friction between him and Jada had not only added to this but turned it up a notch, making it difficult for him to pretend everything was okay. After checking on Amelia, he steps into his bathroom and opens up the cabinet for a Valium. Popping it, he splashes his face with cold water, trying to focus on his breathing. He knows he won't sleep but he lies on his bed anyway, the Sonos softly playing Orville Peck as he waited for himself to calm down. After a little while he drifts slightly, and when he awakes he feels a little better. Collecting the rousing baby, he returns downstairs, managing a smile at the two of them on the couch. "Try to chew your food, Ollie," he says, ruffling his hair as he settles on the couch opposite.

[jada carson]

The world felt like it was falling apart and everywhere they turned, they were reminded of it. Jada couldn't go on her phone without being reminded that if you went outside, you could kill somebody. If it weren't her lifeline to her family, she'd have thrown her phone in the pool days ago. She was managing to stay positive about it. She'd thrown herself into a new norm and tried to make that transition as easy as possible for her little family. But the more that time that past, the more uncertainty loomed over her. Crunchy chip noises fill the room as Jada and Ollie go in on their nachos. Both sit cross legged on the sofa, the blanket draped over their laps. What do you wanna watch? she turns on the Disney+ app and he points toward the screen. Monster, she clicks and Monsters Inc. They're content for few minutes until Finn comes in, telling Ollie off. She makes a mental note to bring that up later, to try talk a little more positively. Hi sleepy one, she reaches and brushes her thumb across Amelia's cheek. What should we do for you, huh? Puree a taco?