. shotgun

[Deleted]

RILEY It’s pretty bad, but it still feels good to hear you say it. Alright. I go downstairs and my wife’s made me breakfast, one of those spreads you only see on TV with pancakes and bacon and huge bowls of fruit, you know? I sit down and she pours me coffee, and I start asking my kid if he’s done his homework. It’s you T, you’re the wife. Obviously.

[tara scott]

TARA How could that make you feel good? I genuinely do not understand what you get out of me admitting he’s biologically ours. Sounds like every day dream I ever had in my early 20s. What’s waking up like? Relief?

[Deleted]

RILEY When you deny it I feel like I'm going insane. It's a very you move though. Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I wanna die.

[tara scott]

TARA Do you at least understand why I have to? I hope you feel the latter more than relief, you asshole.

[Deleted]

RILEY I understand that you think that. It's Tara Alcott logic all over. You want me to be suicidal?!

[tara scott]

TARA You’re not thinking it completely through if you don’t think it’s proper logic, not just Tara logic. What good could possibly come from me putting the truth out there now? No, not actually. But I want you to wake up in your stupid hut in Bali one day from this dream, and realize that if you had played your cards just a little bit differently, you wouldn’t be waking up there alone. And then when you hop on your flight home, I want you to see a little boy on his dads’ shoulders and wish yours was coming home from a trip with you. I don’t want you to want to die, but I want you to regret choosing to walk away from us, not like you dodged a bullet. Every day, for the rest of your life.

[Deleted]

RILEY I half agree, no point now. There was a much better time to do it and it's passed. Your fear of being alone is still as sad as it's always been. Waking up alone is a) not something I do often, and b) something I wish I did do more often. It's so depressing that you'd rather wake up next to Tim than just be on your own. You're enough, you know that? You don't need to be in a relationship to be whole.

[tara scott]

TARA When was that better time? Was it when you completely disappeared for eight months? Or when you resurfaced state side but still chose not to acknowledge your child? No, it’s not like that this time. Although Tim and Theo have been sleeping in a fort in the living room all weekend, and you have no idea how much I’ve loved waking up with the bed to myself and no chubby little feet in my face. But no, you’re taking it too literally. Wake up by yourself or with your new little girlfriends from Rome to Cape Town .. fine, that’s fun. But what about when you’re on your deathbed and no one's holding your hand? Because your mom is going to go before you, dad too. Maybe you’ll have nieces and nephews but it’s not going to be the same.

[Deleted]

RILEY Before he was born. Tim loves you, he would have forgiven you and raised him as his own anyway. If he finds out now it'll be the fact you lied to him for so many years, you let him believe he really was his, that's what'll get him. It's sad, you could have still had everything you wanted without having to lie to those closest to you for the rest of your life. Simple. I'm going to die in a private jet crash with my twenty year old girlfriend, aged sixty. Looking forward to it actually.

[tara scott]

TARA I’ll give you that one, you’re right. I wish I had been thinking clearly then and realized that, but I didn’t know what to do, so I didn’t do anything and here I am. So that’s why him finding out at this point isn’t an option, I can deal with the choices I’ve made. You’ve got it all figured out. Good for you.

[Deleted]

RILEY Okay Tara, you're never the best at thinking things through so I'm gonna lay out for you the thoughts that kept me awake at night for those months I disappeared. 23andMe is one of the most popular Christmas presents of all time. At some point, Theo will do one. Might be when he's a teenager when Tim thinks it'll make a great project for the kids, or it might be when he's an adult, bought for him by an overeager fiancee. Through 23andMe, he'll find out that he's got a completely different mix of heritages to his siblings. That'll be weird, right? How strange that he's the odd one out in the whole family. But hey, those tests are just fun, right? Sure, except you know who else has done one? Me, because my brother got it for me for Christmas 2017. You know those tests tell you about your unknown relatives, right? You know there's an extremely high chance that I'll go on to have kids and they'll do the test too, proving conclusively that he has a load of relatives that his siblings don't? So, the question is what are you gonna tell him and Tim then?

[tara scott]

TARA ... that literally never even crossed my mind.

[Deleted]

RILEY Let's say he never has any interest in those tests, so you're safe there. What if it turns out I have some underlying condition that he could have inherited, how are you gonna convince him to get tested for it? What if I have a daughter and surprise! He's dating her! What if he needs some sort of donor match and you have to rule Tim out and ask me? I'd do it, just as a side note. But seriously, I spent 24 hours a day thinking these thoughts on repeat. For. Months. I mean, how shitty would I look? He's going to hate me.

[tara scott]

TARA How shitty would you look for walking away before he was even born, and having the nerve to call him yours without ever having met him? Yes, very shitty, he probably will hate you and I wouldn’t blame him for it. And you know what? Maybe he’ll hate me too, but at least I’ll have had years of trust built with him and I would hope he’d forgive me and see that I did what I thought was best for him. He deserves a father, not a sperm donor. I hope you’re a better one to the rest of the kids you plan on having.

[Deleted]

RILEY I think you need to seriously prepare for how much of a violation of his trust that is. You'd be much better off getting ahead of it when he's old enough to understand. Oh come on, it's not like I'm planning on having kids. But it's bound to happen eventually.