. regret me

[lily mccarthy]

Lily contemplates being honest, weighing the multiple answers she could offer with varying degrees of sensitivity. But this was Zac, and this was them, and secrets had become far and few between. "Honestly, I cried myself to sleep a couple nights in a row, which really does tire you out. Got anti-anxiety medication, drank sleep tea. Now there's just these silly little phone calls I have to deal with." Her smile betrays her, hand coming up to push back the hair that had fallen in her face, tucking it into the collar of her jacket. "Kidding. They're one of my favorite things." Her gaze dips lower, voice thick with honesty as she busies herself with what remains of her meal. The few times he hadn't answered in the beginning she was convinced he was cutting her off again, her own form of addiction as she waited for texts and calls that never came. Now she understood that sometimes, when he was able to get sleep, he did. "We can both get bottles, I think the fridge is installed - can't totally remember but we'll see," she continues, trying to imagine the kitchen and what appliances were already there. It felt kind of crazy to be going through those types of logistics but it came with growing up, and the spotlight had pushed her so quickly into adulthood, she almost couldn't look back. Just remember, and enjoy, holding his gaze and focusing her full attention on his answer. "Maybe, yeah. I feel like it's just...the attitude change, or the rash decisions that always kind of came and went. You were hard to predict...still kind of are, but in a different way." Her hand reaches back for his, back to subcontiously studying the grooves and tattoos of his skin that had felt so comforting over time. "I just feel like you're lighter now. Happier, healthier...do you feel that way?"

[isaac mcavoy]

"Oh Lils," he says, the image of her crying in her bed a knife twist to the stomach. He knows what she's been through though, having faced his own battles with anxiety for going on twenty years now. "Lexapro? Effexor? The side effects can be a bitch." How easy it had been to forget the side effects of those medications when he'd drowned them out with heroin. Recently he'd started back on Lexapro, though he found it worsened his insomnia and could make him nauseous. Still better than panic attacks. "You know my number works in daytime hours too? Like I said, I have all the time in the world, you can call me when you're waking up. So long as you don't wake up any earlier than, hm, let's say... 12pm?" He watches her as she eats. Even her movements seem more fluid, like her very limbs are lighter. A voice at the back of his head suggests that maybe, just maybe, she's happier because she's had time off from him, that he's an albatross around her neck and before long she'll realise that, too. He squashes it. "If not we'll just have to drink them all, would be a shame to let them go luekwarm." Soon his food is polished off, yet another Coke refill placed in front of him in time for him to quench his salt induced thirst. As she speaks his head swims with memories of his own erratic behavior, the constant disappointments and the lack of guilt at the time. Turned out all that guilt was just in the mail, ready and waiting for him as soon as he was sober enough to let it in. "I am sorry about that. I know I keep saying it, but I'm really, really sorry." Her hand finds his and it feels so delicate and soft. "Funny you should say that, I was about to say the exact same thing to you."

[lily mccarthy]

"It's ok, was kind of cathartic looking back." Painful, but a release that she'd probably needed for a long time. Whether it have been stress from the tour, trying to juggle her priorities, pressure from her label, navigating a breakup, withholding information from friends and family....everything had burst one night, and waking up the next morning had felt so much clearer, even with puffy eyes. "Lexapro - kind of gives me headaches here and there but nothing too bad so far. Weight gain too but I lost a lot on tour, so...I think it's healthy." She looks down as if to inspect, stilling when he offers that she can call anytime. "Bold offer. I don't know though, there's just something about those night time calls." We tell each other everything. "It's like, the most peaceful time. We can adjust the hours if you need your beauty sleep too, though. I feel like you've been passed out when I've called a few times recently." Lily pushes her plate away when she's finished, laughing at his suggestion. "No wasted bottles of Veuve at my home, rule number one. Shoes off at the front door, rule number two." It's a breath of fresh air to make her own decisions about something, having been guided in so many facets of her life. This home was hers, a glimmer of pride sat comfortably in her chest, surprisingly surging with his apologies. She knew he meant it, the victim of so many of his empty apologies in the past. It was an accomplishment to see the differences in him, to have seen him so far gone, and now, so incredibly present. "I know you are, and you always will be. Say it if you need to, but we do know you mean it." She emphasizes it with another squeeze to his hand, eyeing the jewelry that clicked against the table top. "New ring?" she asks, holding up his pointer finger. It's simple but bright, not one she'd seen before in his endless rotation. "Look at us," she starts soon after, shrugging her shoulders then letting them drop in dramatic fashion. "I feel better, yeah. It's been good...tough, but some good reflecting. I just put a lot of pressure on myself, so being able to offload a few things has given me time to focus on the things that really are important to me. I know it's so easy to say, but it's hard to ask for help. I'm working on it. So...will you help drive me to my new house?"

[isaac mcavoy]

Ah, Lexapro. Of course. "Me too, on all of the above." The weight gain had worked positively for him too, his addiction having left him gaunt. Looking at pictures from the time - and god, did the tabloid media ensure there were a lot of them - he can't believe how he looked, sallow skin pulled over bone, permanent dark shadows under his bloodshot eyes. Every time he looked in the mirror and saw an actual human version of himself looking back, it reaffirmed that he was on the right track. "They do hit different." Zac had taken to sitting out by his pool as they talked, chain smoking cigarettes and watching the LA lights twinkle as they poured their souls out to each other. As she mentions his sleeping through, he freezes, thinking of nights where his phone screen flashed with her photo and he had to fight every urge to answer, turning the phone over and hoping Hazel wouldn't stir. "You have no idea the regret I feel when I wake up and see a missed call, I fall asleep with the phone on my pillow half the time." There was certainly a novelty to the return of these late night calls, something he had been sure was a feature of the past. She warmly accepts his apologies and that too is novel, after so many years of him offering half-hearted versions that were understandably brushed off by their recipients. Even compared to six months before, she is trusting him so much more and it feels good.  "Perceptive," he says with a grin, avoiding saying much more. Lily was perceptive, something he knew because he always remembered that she was harder to lie to. Swallowing the lump in his throat, he reaches into his pocket to pull out his wallet, leaving some notes out on the table to cover the food and a generous tip. A genuine smile crosses his face. "That's the spirit. Of course I'll help you." He stands, holding his hand out for her to take. Before long they're out in the balmy evening air. "Want to take anything over now? Might cut down a journey before moving day."

[lily mccarthy]

With the diner left in their wake, Lily looks over her shoulder to take in the view she'd had for years now. What used to be new and bright was now familiar and steady, the changing factor being what had happened to her. The fame, the fights, the glory, the quiet...it all swirled in her memory, turning back forward with her shoulders set on moving on. "A wine opener, at the least," she murmurs, laced hands swinging between them. It's funny how she barely thinks twice about it now. "Ignore the mess," Lily prefaces, opening her door to a litany of half packed boxes and random checklists laying around, the split of things between her and Cleo. It had been an amicable decision to go their separate ways but it still felt awkward at times, another friendship she was trying to piece back together. She checks the labels on a few boxes in the kitchen, grabbing a small one she knew had what she needed and handing it to Zac. Another box with blankets is scooped up in her arms, motioning back to the door and following him to the garage. She laughs when her Bluetooth in his car automatically connects, scrolling through her playlists before Leon Bridges trickles through the speakers. "I already Postmated the stuff there, it's not too far. Crazily enough I've already memorized the directions."

[isaac mcavoy]

For the last few years now, this area of LA had been synonymous with Lily. The apartment in Koreatown had been the perfect place for her when she moved, bustling with other young people full of dreams, people for her to go to karaoke with, to party with, and perhaps most importantly, to share bills with. As they wander the streets, Isaac wonders if the area will ever lose its association for him, or if he'll still itch to speak to her every time he drives through. Naturally their hands find each other and its the kind of sweet gesture that usually fills him with warmth, though today it's tinged with guilt. Not that he lets go. "End of an era, huh? That karaoke bar will miss you." He's glad to find the apartment devoid of her roommate, another of his less proud indiscretions. "I would say take more, but even these might be a squeeze." The Porsche had not been the most practical of purchases, but that at least he didn't regret. Soon they're in the car, her music playing and her assurances filling his ears. "God, remember when you first moved to the city and you could barely cover a round of beers? Now look at you, Postmating Champagne. You've changed." He gives her knee a gentle squeeze to show he meant it endearingly. Before long they're on the road and he heads in the general direction of his own place at first, switching to her directions as she gives them. "Have you sussed out your neighbors yet? Bet they'll be famous."

[lily mccarthy]

"I'll have to make some guest appearances, enough of my money resides in that place." It's more final when someone else says it, releasing a breath she didn't know she was holding. This was good, all of it was good, but it unsettled something in her chest when the reality became apparent. Things really had changed - she was moving on, she was moving up. Whatever the true definition of that may be, highway signs blurring past the windows. Idly, she wonders how much time she's spent in this car, smile warm when his hand falls to her knee in reverie. She doesn't shift to move it, hand resting gently over his as instructions fall softly from her lips. "Hopefully in a good way," she slots in somewhere, gaze unfocused on the lights outside. Her mind's somewhere up in hills, flooded with sweet memories and the crazy way in which the pace of her life had shifted, then burst. It really could happen in an instant. Before she knows it they're pulling up to a nondescript wooden gate, Lily offering the code for him to type and grabbing the delivery bag set outside the gate before the house appears around the bend. Reddish woods stand stark among the wild greenery, big windows reflecting the moonlight that's steadily gaining on them. "Not yet, but one of them's very particular about the bamboo between our houses I've heard," Lily laughs, stepping out of the car with a box on one hip and their celebratory drinks in the other. "Welcome to the new Lily Oasis."

[isaac mcavoy]

As much as this is a big move for Lily, it's endearing how excited she is by it. She still had capacity to be excited by things, whether it was a new tour, new music, a new zip code. Years of fame and time spent in both New York and Los Angeles had left Zac more jaded, though he feels less so around her, her enthusiasm for life infectious. "Definitely a good way. You're levelling up." For once the LA traffic is kind to them, too late for commuters and too early for party-goers moving on to the next spot, so they make good time and they've arrived before they know it. He taps the code in, wondering if he'll end up memorising it and if so, by when. There's a sinking feeling at the bottom of his gut that's telling him it'll be a while, that is if he doesn't come clean with her soon, but once more he suppresses that voice. "She's gated!" Alongside pride, there's also a sense of relief that she'll be somewhere more secure. In truth, she was probably getting too famous to be where she was. The very karaoke bar he mentioned was constantly packed after their little duet went viral, and he'd be lying if he said he hadn't worried about some overzealous fan following her home one day. It'd be decidedly harder to manage here. As he steps out he lets out a low whistle, locking his car. "What an upgrade. Are you sure you want riffraff like me in a place like this?"

[lily mccarthy]

It had been love at first sight, seeing this place. Though slightly overgrown, the charm and quiet of the house had stuck out to her immediately, endeared by the preserved original features and bright, open floor plan. It had been even more wild that she could afford it, eyes widening at the price tag as it continued to grow with inspections, taxes, down payments. But this was now hers, a brilliant smile breaking through as she looked to him. "She's gated, indeed!" The privacy had been one of her favorite things too, still uneasy about the photos that seemed to continually appear of her when she least expected it. She tried not to look these days, hoping the fences and gates would provide just enough room for her to breathe. "Shut up, rockstar," Lily lofts back, pulling the tiny set of keys from her bag to unlock the front door. Reflections of the pool drift onto the ceiling from the moonlight, Lily flicking on the overhead lights as she passed through the sunken future living room to the kitchen, depositing her things on the marble countertop. "The last owner let me buy some of their furniture off them, some really cool mid-century pieces. A record player, too...that collection was one of the first things I transferred over, those little prized possessions. You can flick something on if you want." She pads back to that open room, taking in the space and the moonlight and the glass coffee table in the middle of the room with contented glee. Eventually she offers him the bottle of non-alcoholic champagne she'd received, clinking it against her own before loosening the cork. "I'm an idiot for thinking I needed a wine opener, but cheers. To new beginnings?"

[isaac mcavoy]

Now that he sees the place, he can acknowledge that he had a slight concern that it would be awful. Money changed people and more than anything it warped their tastes, as his own Porsche could attest, a spectacular upgrade from the beat up old Toyota he used to drive and his very first luxury purchase. But he should never have worried, not only did Lily have good taste but she had remained steadfast to herself through all her successes. She was like her brother that way. "It looks amazing, Lils. You must be over the moon." Taking it in, it really is so incredibly her that he's almost already forgotten her old place. Turning in a full circle, he laughs as he follows her to the kitchen. "Lily... this is kinda spooky. You sure this place wasn't literally made for you?" He takes her prompt and heads over to the record collection, flicking through. The previous owner shared her good taste. He plays it safe and pulls out Bob Dylan's Desire, Hurricane crackling into life and filling the echoing space. That too felt fitting. "Cheers to this. I'm so proud of you. Wait, here," he sets his glass down, coming up behind her to take the bottle from her hands. "Twist the bottle, not the cork." With his arms around her slight frame, he demonstrates, the cork coming out with a soft pop. "See?"

[lily mccarthy]

"I know, right? It feels like, fate, almost." An inevitable, as if she was destined to be here. Drawn to the space as she had been to music, to performance, to the rush on the stage and the thrill of hearing heartfelt lyrics shouted right back to her face. The pieces were slowly, surely, clicking into place, feeling so content in this moment. In her life, this very second, eyes flicking back to Zac in the emptiness of the room. In the swimming moonlight, surrounded by sparse furniture and stray boxes, he looked like home, too. Her head swims. Her breath shallows. Arms graze hers and send electricity tumbling through her veins, flames of proximity reigniting the kerosene of alcohol in her bloodstream. Close, so close.. The mantra that had stabilized her before sent her reeling instead, leaning back into his touch in trembling silence. Of wants, of needs, of shattering something she'd fought so hard to keep away from. To keep her distance from because it would be so much. But she wants it, suddenly. Too much. Lily tips the bottle to her lips, champagne crisp and clear on her tongue but mind a million miles away, studying their reflection in the shadows of the glass, the way they looked together. Letting the tethers of rationality snap one by one, seconds ticking by in the contented silence until she drinks once more. Breathes in, breathes out. Turns quickly in his grasp until they're face to face, close, so close, dark gaze wide and wanting as it searches his, drifts to his mouth, voice barely a whisper as she breathes. "Zac?"

[isaac mcavoy]

It's incredibly quiet, something he noticed about his place too. In her old apartment you could always hear the sounds of the city; sirens, music playing from bars, people shouting or laughing. It was true of New York too, no matter what price you paid. But here, the only sounds are Bob Dylan, the wind rustling in the wind outside and their breathing. It's their breathing that's deafening. Stood behind her, the smell of shampoo and perfume made his head swim.  Whilst she looks ahead, Zac closes his eyes, trying to shut it all out and think. As soon as they got out the car the situation had turned uncanny, a haze of her happiness and the happiness it inspired for her settling into them, the novelty of a new but somehow familiar space making them act out of turn. The Lily of six months ago would have moved to create space between them, but this Lily, she's staying where she is and he knows she can feel it.  "Lily..." he starts, but she turns to look at him and his voice dies in his throat. His heart is thumping hard in his chest, thumping so hard it feels like it hurts. Her eyes find his lips and every instance of temptation he'd experienced in his life seems tame compared to this. Alessia, Kendra, Athena.. he'd thought he was seduced then, but now he knows he was just weak. "Lils..." He repeats her name, though his voice is cracking with repressed need. "Don't."

[lily mccarthy]

"Don't." It's so loud. Lily swears it echoes around them, swears her heart stutters to a stop in her chest. But her gaze is still hazy at best, caught in the moment and the crackling proximity between them. He's giving her an out, right? Like last time, placating her doubts and nerves until she finally stopped shaking. But for once in her life she's letting go. Not weighing the consequences, or the fragility of their friendship or the fights they'd just laid aside. "I want this." She wanted it. Wanted him, midnight conversations and hushed doubts and the deep, cautious blues of his eyes. Dark curls tumble forward as she tips their heads together, free hand steadying herself on the slope of his shoulder. "I know..." her voice betrays her, trembling and smoked out, room blurry and spinning because it's just them. This moment, here, now, acting on her impossibility. "I know what I said before, but I want this. I want you."

[isaac mcavoy]

From the record player Hurricane slips to Isis, and Zac tries to focus on the music, tries in vain to gain some semblance of control over himself. This isn't what he planned for this evening, though it was a scenario that had played out in his head a thousand times before, and it's hard to believe that it's actually happening for real. Just to check, where his hands are still behind her on the counter, he digs his nails into his palm, hard. Yep, real. Then she says the words he had dreamt of hearing. His eyes find hers and he can see her clarity, her desire. The air feels electric around them. "I want this too." When he speaks his voice is pained, and he wonders if she can see in his eyes that there's a block, that he's withholding though he desperately doesn't want to. She rests against him and their heads meet, instinctively his hands finding the small of her back and holding her against him. A thousand thoughts swim around his head. On the one shoulder, a devil whispers that he could just press on. Could even break up with his girlfriend tomorrow, no harm, no foul. But the angel on his other shoulder reminds him of his habits and how hard they were to break. More importantly, how much it took to convince Lily that his bad habits were truly behind him. With the coin burning a hole in his pocket, he sighs heavily, going against every urge his body is screaming at him. "I want you more than I've ever wanted anything, and I mean anything." A deep breath, a final push towards honesty. "But not like this."

[lily mccarthy]

It's funny, standing on the edge of a cliff. Silent, almost frozen in time, breath anchoring her to the earth and his body and the connection that had flickered, then sparked, then burned. His touch on her waist is a live wire, nose shifting to brush his even as her gaze buzzes between them, sensing something. You're hard to read when you want to be, she'd told him once, and even when he echoes her, his words fall wrong. Lily's heart twists suddenly, sharp dread icing her system. Oh god. Lily's shoulders tremble before she hears it, eyes fluttering closed because she can't bear to look at him as he turns her down. The bottle almost falls from her palm as she shuts down, silently shifting to place it back on the counter, the echoing click like a gunshot as her body flinches at its impact. "Fuck," is all she can manage to whisper, unable to understand as she stays trapped in the cage of his arms, gentle palms falling over her eyes. Not like this? They're happy, it's been a year, they're single. They're alone and wanting and desperate, Lily all but waiting for the tears to fall. Whether of embarrassment, of terror or sadness, she'd be unable to discern. Instead her brows pull, hands coming down before nodding her head. Trying to avoid staring at the destruction she'd caused in front of her. "Ok. I'm sorry, ok."