. shotgun

[tara scott]

TARA Sounds about right. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually think you went about it all right. I just feel like had you stuck to law school and moved right into that you’d always think there was something missing, now if anything you’ve got a lot out of your system and can always go back to the drawing board. No, not working right now. I’m kind of back to the drawing board myself, right now’s alright because it’s best that I’m home with Theo, and childcare would cost more than I’d bring in. But I know in the blink of an eye he’ll be off to school and I’m going to need to have something figured out. It’s a buyers market right now! Where are you thinking? It’s just a bigger pain in the ass when we have to play the send it back game, I’m not keeping it. I appreciate the efforts but I promise you it does more harm than good.

[Deleted]

RILEY Maybe you’re right. Maybe being a bigshot lawyer would have been sick, though. You’ll have another by then, I think you’ve got a while yet. Right here, well, Faubourg Marigny. Was gonna rent but my uncle might help me out with a down payment. Yeah I know, why’d you think I do it?

[tara scott]

TARA You’re so good at arguing, you would have been such a good lawyer. You’ve always been smart enough, but you’re also one of those annoyingly relentless people who just tire the other party out. It’s not too late, you know! Yea, I still want to figure it out though. I get what you were always saying a bit now. I don’t want to be one of those moms that suddenly has zero sense of self and is totally miserable when her kids leave the nest. Oh, nice. God I wish your mom was ok enough to hear this, she’d be losing it right now. I thought maybe you thought if you did something financially for him, you’d be less of a dick for taking off. But of course you actually just want to be more of a dick. Tim’s suspicious.

[Deleted]

RILEY Can you imagine how badly I'd take losing cases though? Thanks so much, I'll put 'relentless' on all my future job applications. ... Am I dreaming? I never for a second thought you'd agree with that, I for sure thought you'd be a full on Mombie by now. Even when they've gone off to college you'll still be a wife, wasn't that all you wanted? But wait til I can tell her I've made an offer! Don't think she'd believe it would actually happen otherwise. I'm kidding, I do want to contribute. But that's a nice bonus. God I hate him.

[tara scott]

TARA I can, it wouldn’t be pretty! Lots of self-deprecating, even more alcohol. I don’t think you’d lose often, but it would take a toll. Not just relentless, annoying too! Haha, noo. I’m serious. Even now I miss my own life a bit. I feel bad saying that, but I do. Yea it was, and in a way it still is. But you can’t just be a wife and a mom, that’s like saying “oh I just want to be a daughter and a friend!” you can be all of those things and still do more with yourself. Good point, I can’t wait for the day I hear her tell me this. I really, really don’t want you to. And please don’t now. We’re already stuck in the house together and I can’t just hop in my car with Theo and take off for a bit. It’s a war, every time, and I’m sure that’s fun for you to hear but it’s not fun for me to deal with.

[tara scott]

TARA Sidenote. Go look at how cute my son is today.

[Deleted]

RILEY I've actually been sober for the last ten months. Can I be honest? I'm gonna assume you'll say yes and be honest: that's because Tim isn't right for you. I know, I told you that!!! For real though, I'm glad you agree. You're too smart to be that boring. Fine. I'll stop for a minute, but only because they look at all your outgoings when you're getting a mortgage and I can't really explain i too easily. Will start again with interest after once it's approved. God, fuck, a mortgage. Who am I. Yea I know, already liked and saved it.

[tara scott]

TARA Sober of what? Your drugs of choice? Because you just said you were drinking. Thanks for that! What does being right for someone really look like though? I know you did, and I thought you were a heartless dick! But I get it now. Look at us, we both figured a thing or two out! That’s all I can ask for now, thank you. We’ll go back to it once you’re all set up. You big grown up. Theo and I were actually supposed to be visiting your mom first week of June, did you know that? I learned that if you just let him wear what he wants he stops screaming. I'm a pushover in motherhood too.

[Deleted]

RILEY Ah shit, I wanted to see if you'd believe it but I couldn't even commit for a minute. Not like that, not like settling. Which is what you're obviously doing. I don't like this, go back to disagreeing with me. We can work something out in writing, he doesn't have to know. It just doesn't feel right me not contributing anything. Can even put in writing that I can't breathe a word of it. No, I didn't know that, I had mostly fallen out of contact with my mom. If you want to visit I can make sure I'm out. You're not a pushover Tara, far from. Did Harper call you one?

[tara scott]

TARA Nooo, nothing gets past me. The way I look at it is you can find someone you’re wildly compatible with, or you can find someone who makes your heart sing. I think it’s rare that you find both in one. Tell me how you see it. Ok fine, I disagree. I dunno, Ri. I need to think about it. Your money is hardly a contribution and I’ve got the rest figured out, so it still just feels wrong and kind of pisses me off. Maybe I’m wrong, but it feels like you think transferring the money makes up (even in a small way) for walking away. I’d think it came from a better place if you cared to know him, but you don’t. So do you get how this just comes off as an easy wash of your hands? I know, she was pretty badly hurting, despite how angry she’s been with you. Flights have been canceled for now, so no worries just yet. Ummm, Harper, you, Dr. Rose. Anyone and everyone?

[Deleted]

RILEY I don't know, I don't have a lot of experience in that area. Alright, let me explain how I see it. Obviously in my household Rhea got the most attention, because she needed it, I'm not mad at my parents for that. But it made me feel irrelevant sometimes, like my needs came after her's. And the way I see it, one day Theo is gonna know that Tim isn't his biological dad. And that's gonna suck for him, because he'll most likely have siblings who are his, and he's gonna wonder why him. He's gonna think I'm a deadbeat and he'll be right about that, but I don't want him to think I didn't give a shit at all, like his existence was so irrelevant to me that I could just forget about it. Again, not for me, but because I know what that feels like. So there's the money I'm sending you (and I'll up it, promise) but there's also a separate savings account that I've set up, that maybe he can use for college, if he wants. And I've also started this whole ancestry project, I'm compiling as much info about my family as I can so that if he ever does want to know, he can know where he came from. I don't want him to feel in some way incomplete just because I was a selfish asshole. Of course, this is all just if he wants to know. If he doesn't give a shit or never finds out then that's fine, better, even.

[tara scott]

TARA You have loads more experience than I do. How many made your heart sing? How many was it just easy with? That hurt to read. I know it’s not my fault, but I am sorry you ever felt that way. And that’s the last thing I’d ever want for him. I think the solution I found somewhere in there is that maybe it’s a better idea not to try for more. Right? At least that way I know for absolutely sure he won’t have to go through that. Relentless, and don’t forget annoying. But also somewhat sweet that you’re putting together a family tree for him. I’m not agreeing to anything right now, I need to think about it.

[Deleted]

RILEY 1. It's fine, really, my parents are the best. As you know! No, I don't think that's the solution. Siblings are great, they'll be there for him in ways that'll make it worth it. He'll still have to go through it, but you'll have given him everything, it doesn't have to be that traumatic. I just don't want him to think I just forgot about him for however many years. I want him to be able to go through your Instagram and see that I liked every picture of him, because I do think about him, all the time. But sure, whatever you want. I'm sorry I ever called you a pushover, I really don't think you are.

[tara scott]

TARA Exactly. I don’t see myself finding it with anyone else, for the record. So you make do, or settle, whatever you want to call it. But still! These are just the little things that in the moment I don’t think our parents realized, so I like to keep them in my back pocket and try not to forget. Only children are ok, so long as you make sure they don’t grow up thinking the world revolves around them. Can I tell you something? Come on Riley, you’re smarter than this. You can’t think that liking his pictures would really make him feel better should this all come out one day. Seriously, put yourself in his shoes. Would you really feel any better knowing that your actual father liked your pictures on the internet, but never once made an attempt to meet you? To know you? This is fucking Instagram, it’s a ♥ on a photo, whoopdy do?!

[Deleted]

RILEY I'm not gonna. It's you or nothing. You shouldn't worry so much, you were born to be a mom. Always, what is it? You don't get it. I'm not trying to father him, he's got a dad. You've made it pretty clear to me that you want us kept apart, you don't want him to know, so what else can I do? It's not a single gesture, it's all of them together that I hope means something to him, though I admit it's not a lot. What do you want me to do, teach him how to ride a bike? Play baseball with him? Not sure Tim would agree to it.